Going the distance

[mortensorchid]

A few days ago this guy on Facebook reached out to me.  Somehow we had been Facebook friends for a while, I don't know how we got connected.  He said he liked my updates as they are so funny.  I said thanks.  We got to chatting about things, he's 51, divorced no kids.  He said he would like to meet me soon.

Problem?  He lives about 100 miles away from me, it would be a 2 hour drive to see me.  I am not opposed to this but another part of me wonders why he would want to do this.  I wouldn't have him stay at my house by any means, he's a stranger.  And say he does come to meet me and I never hear from him again.  It would be like a typical internet date - you meet someone then never hear a word from them again - but to drive 2 hours to do that?  

What do others think of this? 

[alphamale]

If he wants to come and see you he needs to stay at a hotel ....tell him you’ll meet him in the lobby. If things go ok you can sleep with him but use protection.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

 

Problem?  He lives about 100 miles away from me, it would be a 2 hour drive to see me.  I am not opposed to this but another part of me wonders why he would want to do this.  I wouldn't have him stay at my house by any means, he's a stranger.  And say he does come to meet me and I never hear from him again.  It would be like a typical internet date - you meet someone then never hear a word from them again - but to drive 2 hours to do that?  

What do others think of this? 

I don't see the problem. A guy who lives 100 mi from you wants to meet you and spend time with you. The reason is because there is only one you! And he likes what he sees/reads on your FB page. What's so weird about that? I'd meet someone who lives 1000 miles from me and wanted to come meet me if I were interested in him. If he turned out to be the one, we'd figure out a way to make it work.

Yes, he'd need to stay in a hotel not at my place.

[central]

My very best dates were 8800 miles, 160 miles, and 100 miles away.  The farthest almost worked out, the next farthest is still a dear friend, and the mere 100 mile away prospect is my wife and we've been together 20 years.  Distance isn't a problem for the right person, and the right person provides all the motivation needed to overcome distance or any other obstacle.  So, you just need to find out if this is the right person for you, and vice versa.

[boymommy]

I think if you are okay it its fine and you seem to know what boundaries to set up. Keep him out of your place! I think the fact that he has no kids is better because more flexibility. I honestly think LDR are hard but as central said, if you do it with the right person it's WAY easier and better! Get your wants and needs out in the open up front and onto the table! If there is a possiblity it will turn into something that is super important! I think LDRs work better if you are both on same page. 

[ShyViolet]

It's always better to date locally.  What if he visits you and by some chance you and him really hit it off, and start dating?  Then it's a 2 hour drive every single time you see each other?  Do you really want to take that on?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

.Problem?  He lives about 100 miles away 

Problem? He's probably married looking for an out of town hookup.

Read the book :

The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette

Edited November 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Chilli]

 

lt's nothing if he really likes you. My gf flew across the world to meet me. As far as him not staying goes that's easy , just lay it on the line before he does come and explain. lf he truly likes you enough that won't matter he'll still want to come but if he's just after some fun then he probably won't bother and you have your answer ,

Edited November 28, 2020 by Chilli

[poppyfields]

mort, ask yourself why would a man who lives 100 miles away intentionally reach out to you, and not local women. 

There are distinct reasons for this, none good.  

Some are saying he really likes you and go for it, but how would he know he really likes you before ever reaching out to you? 

He is intentionally reaching out to a stranger, who lives 2 hours away. Why? 

When I did OLD, men who reached out on line and lived a distance away, auto delete, nothing good or positive will become of this. 

A man seeking a long term exclusive relationship reaches out to local women, women he can regularly spend time with, not women who live 100+ miles away.  

My experience which is plenty, men who intentionally reach out to non-local women on line are (1) married or in another relationship (2) seeking a one and done or occasional hookup (3) commitmentphobes and the distance guarantees limited time together and a quick and easy out.

If you choose to proceed, please do so with caution.  

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Maldives]

Well I was that guy because dates were far and few where I live but she bailed. We had set up a date but she didn't wanna go thru with it I wasn't planning on staying at her place at all as I have a friend close by to be honest I wouldn't stay at he's either. I just connected wth her really well and really liked her but it wasn't to be. I was prepared to drive there and back that night no issues but that's just me I can't speak for this guy or his motives 

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, it seems some have had experience with LD strangers being married or just wanting a hook up. Almost everyone I've dated since divorce has been LD and have had several marriage proposals from it. I have had at least one person LD contact me for nefarious reasons but since I vet everyone, long distance or local, that I date if I haven't known them I've been able to cull out the bad guys and stay physically and emotionally safe! I don't see why you can't do the same.

I'm in the beginnings of a LD (between 800-1000 mi away) relationship right now. The reason he (was a stranger but we didn't connect through a dating site) has contacted me is because of some unique qualities he believes I have that are attractive to him (not saying they'd be attractive to everyone but they suit him very well and are hard to find).  He also has unique qualities that are hard to find for me. "Your guy" has indicated that's the reason he's interested in you, too, the uniqueness being your particular sense of humor. He probably doesn't come across people with that quality very often and most likely almost never to find one that is single and he's attracted to.

For me, there are so few people I'd be interested in dating that to find someone locally would be the last thing on my list. Quality is more important to me than location.

If you decide to see him, go into it cautiously as one poster, I believe poppyfields, pointed out,  but with an open mind. If you're negative there's no point in meeting him bc people pick up on negativity and you'll shoot yourself in the foot then possibly be wondering what happened? Why no second phone call?

Good luck! Keep us posted!

Edited November 28, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm in the beginnings of a LD relationship right now. The reason he (was a stranger but we didn't connect through a dating site) has contacted me is because of some unique qualities he believes I have that are attractive to him, not saying they'd be attractive to everyone but they suit him very well and are hard to find). "Your guy" has indicated that's the reason he's interested in you, too.

We are all unique and, for me, there are so few people I'd be interested in dating that to find someone local would be the last thing on my list. Quality is more important to me than location.

Hi LivingWater.  Yes we all have different experiences and we learn from those experiences and also from reading and learning about others' experiences.  

I am not going to invalidate yours, I'm glad your experiences were more positive!

However, with respect to bolded, I am curious how your boyfriend knew how unique you were (to him), and possessed the attractive qualities he seeks, before contacting you, chatting with you, meeting you.

Did you meet on a chat or advice forum (like LS or similar) or some other site where you got to know each other first?  

LDRs can work out, most definitely.

But I'm struggling to understand how someone can discover how unique someone is, or that they have the qualities they seek, from seeing a pic on FB. 

Or with OLD, a pic and a profile.  

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[LivingWaterPlease]

Was going to edit to add, Be Safe! But it was too late.

Also, if you have no mutual FB friends with this guy, which may be the case and I missed reading it, then I would definitely be extra careful. Vet him before meeting him. If you have mutual FB friends with him and are fairly close with one or two of them, ask them about him.

[smackie9]

You don't know the connection? That would be the first thing I would ask...are you are?? How do you know me?

[boymommy]

I think men seek out LDR for a variety of reasons..it may be because there are limited options for dating in his area. He may not like the women who are in his are that he has met online so he is branching out? I know for myself I live in a small town/small area so this is an issue where I live. You can VERY easily get yourself into a LDR (an hr or more away) because options are limited locally or you dont click with anyone locally. Less people=less opportunities and chances for a connection unfortunately. 
 

I think if you like this man give it a shot BUT manage your expectations early on and if communication is not top notch from getgo then its harder for sure! I am living proof that spending years in a LDR can take its toll so BOTH people have to give it 100% for that to work. Very different then a local relationship

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Hi LivingWater.  Yes we all have different experiences and we learn from those experiences and also from reading and learning about others' experiences.  

I am not going to invalidate yours, and I'm glad your expectations were more positive!

However, with respect to bolded, I am curious how your boyfriend knew how unique you were (to him), and possessed the attractive qualities he seeks, before contacting you, chatting with you, meeting you.

Did you meet on a chat forum or some other site where you got to know each other first?  

LDRs can work out, most definitely.

But I'm struggling to understand how someone can discover how unique someone is, or that they have the qualities they seek, from seeing a pic on FB. 

Or with OLD, a pic and a profile.  

He had a relative who was a FB friend of mine that I knew well and messaged with. His relative, my friend, shared the messages ( a long thread) we exchanged, with him which included spiritual beliefs and aspects of my career and life. I have a unique (unusual) career and am quite devout in my beliefs as this guy is, too. There are aspects of his activities (avocation) that fascinate me and that I have wanted to become involved with for a long time, though they are very different than mine.

I do agree with you about being cautious, though!

I had met an attorney on a dating site from the opposite coast who visited me only twice, we never even held hands. After talking on the phone for a couple of years he proposed to me on Christmas Eve. He was a wonderful man but I had no chemistry with him. However, we really enjoyed talking together and I saw him through several serious relationships before he proposed to me. He was a true friend. Have had a couple other friendships develop.Another attorney I met through a dating site came and stayed in an apartment nearby to help me out when I became very sick. He was able to work from the apt for periods of time and would have come more had I wanted him to do so. There are some great guys out there but you just have to be picky. I'm not on dating sites (haven't been for a long time)  but when I was I would always include that I read the Bible daily and looking for someone who does the same. That weeded out lots of men who were looking for hookups. I wouldn't just write wanting a Christian or someone who attends church because it seemed too broad a definition to me.

[LivingWaterPlease]

PS to poppyfields. So the guy who read the FB messages of my friend and me saw my photos on FB and his relative had a couple photos of him that I was able to see. And there's plenty of my work online which is accessible to all which I assume he'd checked out, actually he'd become familiar with it a couple years ago before the relative shared our messages.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

He had a relative who was a FB friend of mine that I knew well and messaged with. His relative, my friend, shared the messages ( a long thread) we exchanged, with him which included spiritual beliefs and aspects of my career and life. I have a unique (unusual) career and am quite devout in my beliefs as this guy is, too. There are aspects of his activities (avocation) that fascinate me and that I have wanted to become involved with for a long time, though they are very different than mine.

I do agree with you about being cautious, though!

I had met an attorney on a dating site from the opposite coast who visited me only twice, we never even held hands. After talking on the phone for a couple of years he proposed to me on Christmas Eve. He was a wonderful man but I had no chemistry with him. However, we really enjoyed talking together and I saw him through several serious relationships before he proposed to me. He was a true friend. Have had a couple other friendships develop.Another attorney I met through a dating site came and stayed in an apartment nearby to help me out when I became very sick. He was able to work from the apt for periods of time and would have come more had I wanted him to do so. There are some great guys out there but you just have to be picky. I'm not on dating sites (haven't been for a long time)  but when I was I would always include that I read the Bible daily and looking for someone who does the same. That weeded out lots of men who were looking for hookups. I wouldn't just write wanting a Christian or someone who attends church because it seemed too broad a definition to me.

Thanks LW, makes sense.  But I think your experience is different from what most women experience when men reach out long distance.

For example, men who contacted me out of the blue long distance knew absolutely nothing about me.  They had a pic and very limited info on my profile.  

One thing they did have was my location, in most cases hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles from their location. 

No thank you.  

Now re mort's guy, I find this creepy af.  He claims they've been FB friends, but she didn't know about it? 

He has essentially been following her, stalking her, and found her updates funny?  Creepy! 

That would be an auto block for me, wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.  But course mort will do what she wants, what is best for her.

Good luck mort!  Keep us posted!  

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

I generally agree that local dating is far preferable. But in cases where there's a special connection and good, open communication established, I'd consider meeting a man who wanted to take me out and took all the right steps - such as providing transparency about who he is, getting his own place to stay, keeping it low-pressure, and so on.

I've never met a long-distance man I didn't know very well, but back in the day I did agree to meet up with someone I'd had an online connection with for years who built up to meeting over time. I did this on two different occasions, and both of them turned into devoted relationships where one of us moved to the other's city and we were seriously considering marriage. We didn't end up getting married, but had wonderful times, real love, and treasure those times. I kept in touch with both of them to some extent and the communications after romance were still very sweet, uplifting, and good.

Anything is possible. Just be smart, careful, and take your time. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks LW, makes sense.  But I think your experience is different from what most women experience when men reach out long distance.

For example, men who contacted me out of the blue long distance knew absolutely nothing about me.  They had a pic and very limited info on my profile.  

One thing they did have was my location, in most cases hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles from their location. 

No thank you.  

Now re mort's guy, I find this creepy af.  He claims they've been FB friends, but she didn't know about it? 

He has essentially been following her, stalking her, and found her updates funny?  Creepy! 

That would be an auto block for me, wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.  But course mort will do what she wants, what is best for her.

Good luck mort!  Keep us posted!  

 

It does sound as if you've had some rough experiences from LD contacts, poppy! So sorry!

I definitely wouldn't meet up with a stalker, for sure!

To mortenschild:

Above all staying safe is the most important thing! If this person is stalking  you, I'd not meet him. I missed that he was doing that.

Edited November 28, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Chilli]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

mort, ask yourself why would a man who lives 100 miles away intentionally reach out to you, and not local women. 

There are distinct reasons for this, none good.  

Some are saying he really likes you and go for it, but how would he know he really likes you before ever reaching out to you? 

He is intentionally reaching out to a stranger, who lives 2 hours away. Why? 

When I did OLD, men who reached out on line and lived a distance away, auto delete, nothing good or positive will become of this. 

A man seeking a long term exclusive relationship reaches out to local women, women he can regularly spend time with, not women who live 100+ miles away.  

My experience which is plenty, men who intentionally reach out to non-local women on line are (1) married or in another relationship (2) seeking a one and done or occasional hookup (3) commitmentphobes and the distance guarantees limited time together and a quick and easy out.

If you choose to proceed, please do so with caution.  

 

Ahhh, lazy men. We're still together , engaged. l'd like to think he saw something special and in that case 100miles is absolutely nothing, what wimp's scared of an hr or two if he saw something special, that's very hard to find ,never for many . Not sayin this guy does, there's nothing to go on but in my case hell yeah , an hr or two would've been luxury compared to what we travel. My bro and he's woman have been traveling 3 hrs each way 20yrs.

Back in the day l was on a date site a few mths , met someone 4hrs away , we seemed like we could've really had something and we were getting along better and better. Took a wk to get a chance to drive over she said ahh, just stay the night , points out with a chuckle ahhh, but that'll be on the couch you understand , right. l stayed a few days actually, on the couch . She was a real sweetheart buttttt, at the same time we knew once we'd met it just wasn't gonna be there but we got a long nice in a friend sense and had a really nice few days. 

But eh as l say , no idea with op's guy , just sayin.

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by Chilli

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, I wouldn’t date a guy that lived that far away. It would be different if we had really unusual circumstance linking us together, serendipity of some sort playing a part, or it was temporary.  But just a rando messaging you from 100 miles away? Why is he so desperate, first of all? What happened to all the options within 100 mi radius of him.? Also, I don’t care enough to travel that far and I do not want him to. I would feel a bit guilty if someone made that trip to me regularly and I sure as hll wouldn’t, so we’d rarely see each other at best. It’s just not practical. Next 

Edited November 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

23 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

What do others think of this? 

As others have pointed out to you in their posts, dating this guy who lives 2 hours away would be a huge waste of your time and energy for the reasons already mentioned.

Stick to local city limits dating. That has higher statistics of success for you, then investing in some guy who isn't even local.

If you decide to meet him for a first date in your city or his, either you or he has to stay in a hotel for safety sake. That's common sense.

You need to think over the long-term of a long-distance relationship. Do you have the money to travel to date him every weekend or every other weekend. Did you do a background check on him yet? There's no reason you shouldn't pay for a background check. People lie on OLD pretty much about everything. No reason to take what he tells you at face value, either.

I once met a guy who lived 8 hours away from me. He stayed at a hotel. While out on our first date at a bar, he got mad at me for talking about some guy friends, so he poured a pitcher of beer over my head that was on our table. Yes, that's right! I pretty much freaked out when he did that. Luckily, he stormed out of the bar and the wait staff asked if I was ok and did I need to call anyone. I was shaking, but took a cab home, called some friends to regale them, then blocked the freak from my OLD and cellphone and social media. You just don't know who you're really meeting from OLD. I have more horror stories like that one. I'll never do OLD again.

Don't waste your time dating long distance. Too many risks involved. At least locally, you have a higher chance of success for a myriad of reasons.

[Datergirl]

I've arranged my first date in two and a half years on Saturday. He lives an hour away and is driving to my city for dinner.

I would prefer to date men in my city but the options available aren't what I'm looking for in a relationship. 

I suppose an hour isn't all that much, but still it's the furthest distance I've considered so far. 

Someone I know was dating someone 3 hours away. She moved to his city and now they're married. So it can work out. 

[mortensorchid]

Well it's all about conflicting information isn't it?  Some people say yes, others say no.  He asked if I would want to meet this weekend, he wants to drive here.  I haven't given my answer on it yet.