Ex reached out after 2.5 months no contact

[UrbanCamo]

Am I the only one here not really seeing why OP is so worried and over analyzing? This girl dumped him, then after nearly 3 freaking months comes back... That's a long ass time. Seems obvious that she can't do/find better than him. If she could or did she wouldn't have reconnected with him. He is her best option and it's obvious she realized that. I mean I can't get into her head, but it seems like over that 3 month break she tried to date, didn't connect with anyone, then realized OP was her best bet/better then the other dudes and came crawling back

[flitzanu]

i'm not caught up to the end of the story, but time restraints, just want to reply.  i've had this very similar situation with an ex.  VERY SIMILAR.  she wanted slow, and to pretend we were just friends.  

well, that doesn't work very well when you're in love with her and she isn't acting the same.  you're going to act desperate or keep bringing up the dating convo and she will leave.

i don't suggest playing games...and would not suggest this lightly...but...i'd honestly propose that if you can find it in yourself to act aloof and disinterested, and DO NOT CHASE HER and do not be there every second she calls, then you'll find out if she wants something more than just something she knows versus finding a new person.  

although i'm with everyone else that this is a very very bad idea and i don't think her intentions are good, and don't think that she's looking to reconcile.  everything she has said (i read up to the halfway point) has been half promises and soft letdowns, none of it was "lets get back together" it was all just hints about what you wanted to hear.

tread lightly, and be aloof and distant.  make her work for this, don't just leap into her web.

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i'm not caught up to the end of the story, but time restraints, just want to reply.  i've had this very similar situation with an ex.  VERY SIMILAR.  she wanted slow, and to pretend we were just friends.  

well, that doesn't work very well when you're in love with her and she isn't acting the same.  you're going to act desperate or keep bringing up the dating convo and she will leave.

i don't suggest playing games...and would not suggest this lightly...but...i'd honestly propose that if you can find it in yourself to act aloof and disinterested, and DO NOT CHASE HER and do not be there every second she calls, then you'll find out if she wants something more than just something she knows versus finding a new person.  

although i'm with everyone else that this is a very very bad idea and i don't think her intentions are good, and don't think that she's looking to reconcile.  everything she has said (i read up to the halfway point) has been half promises and soft letdowns, none of it was "lets get back together" it was all just hints about what you wanted to hear.

tread lightly, and be aloof and distant.  make her work for this, don't just leap into her web.

Flitz, you’re awesome. Actually, this is the best advice possible. Your BEST bet at this point is dread game, OP.  Again, I don’t think you’re winning much of a prize, but if it’s what you want, make her feel like she doesn’t matter to you. Aloof and distant all the way. It doesn’t work for all women, but the ones that it does work for it is like a  moth to a flame

[UrbanCamo]

10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Flitz, you’re awesome. Actually, this is the best advice possible. Your BEST bet at this point is dread game, OP.  Again, I don’t think you’re winning much of a prize, but if it’s what you want, make her feel like she doesn’t matter to you. Aloof and distant all the way. It doesn’t work for all women, but the ones that it does work for it is like a  moth to a flame

Yeah I agree with this. Sounds like she might be the toxic type that actually enjoys games like this. I recommend you stop setting up dates with her and see what she does. See if she comes to you (she most likely will). I also recommend you start getting REALLY serious about seeing other women to take your mind off of her. I personally think you hooking up with someone last night was a good thing.

It's too bad you can't just flip a switch and turn your feelings for her off. Then you could REALLY have some fun with this. Wait for her to hit you up, then when she does and asks to hangout you say "ehh I don't think that's a good idea... I'm feeling really horny tonight and I don't want to take the chance of ruining our amazing friendship" or something.

Edited December 7, 2020 by UrbanCamo

[Yosemite]

6 hours ago, JC90 said:

She is, actually. She knows I'm in love with her and knows she has me by the balls.  It's obvious.

That's like blaming McDonald's for making you fat. Take responsibility for your decision to get back together with her. 

[Versacehottie]

18 hours ago, JC90 said:

I have very deep feelings for her, but I'm angry. She used me once and I feel like she might be using me again. I don't want to waste my time "waiting" for her and not seeing other women if she's possibly talking to/seeing other guys and isn't even taking me seriously. Truth be told I DO want to be with her and be exclusive with her, but I have no clue where her mind is. And the reason I was able to hookup with someone else is because literally EVERYONE--you all, people on another forum, and my friends/family have all said I should see other women. I mean, imagine I just wait for her and it turns out she's using me? I'll be left broken and with nothing. If she wants to be exclusive I'd love that, but I have a feeling it won't be the case.

Dont be angry and insecure, just date the other girls as well and take it slow.  Angry and insecure will cost you what you want, in general and especially in this case.  While I get that you are in a tough situation, but you've agreed to do it, so do it with confidence and a good attitude.  Not a bad attitude and low confidence that you think you are hiding--never works.

Part of the reason you would be feeling bad and insecure is that you feel like you have little control.  Change your mindset.  Dating other girls is a form of you controlling what happens in your life. Perhaps your second chance with her will not have you wanting to continue with her; maybe you will like one of the new girls better.  you need to NOT jump to the end, as in determining a conclusion you want, seeing yourself in a lacking position because you don't have it and sabotaging things along the way.  It's the opposite of confident and attractive.

Another note is if you have baggage from past relationships, deal with it so it doesn't' affect your current ones.  Sounds like that is part of it.  I'm just talking about your stuff because that is what you can work on and change.  Who knows exactly what she wants.  I feel like you effectively have a shot but you need to play it right and you are in danger of doing it wrong. You are playing it like you already lost and are super melancholy that she is not telling you "yay, let's get back together".  She said where she is at, that this is what she can give now.  If you ride that out well and in a skilled way you can influence the outcome.  Good luck 

[Watercolors]

On 11/29/2020 at 1:19 AM, JC90 said:

I don't disagree with you. I think she said that (taking it slow thing) because I couldn't perform that first time, then told her I was feeling "weird" about the situation, and then spilled my guts to her regarding how I really felt. In short, I think she said it to put me at ease and make me feel better/more comfortable.

Just curious... How do you think this should go if it were "healthy"? Like we just reconnected after 2.5 months of no contact--what SHOULD happen?

Well I think you already know the answer. You couldn't get an erection with her because she broke your heart and 2.5 months later, came back into your life because she's lonely and she thinks you can be the temporary band aid she needs for whatever she's running away from, and using you as her floatation device for. 

I will say, some couples do break up and its a clusterf*** when they transition to a second attempt. Sometimes that second attempt works, and sometimes it just verifies why the two people should be apart because some issues cannot be fixed where compatibility is concerned. And a healthy relationship boils down to 100% compatible. 

[Wiseman2]

You're both enjoying the hookups, so what's the problem?

She gets comfy with you like an old pair of worn in slippers and you get NSA sex.

If you don't want this, you'll have to forgo the easy sex-with-the-ex thing.

[JC90]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're both enjoying the hookups, so what's the problem?

She gets comfy with you like an old pair of worn in slippers and you get NSA sex.

If you don't want this, you'll have to forgo the easy sex-with-the-ex thing.

Except now we're not having sex because she wants to "take it slow." No idea what this means but it doesn't seem good or normal to me. She might have lost the desire to have sex with me at this point and could be in the process of friendzoning me for all I know. I guess there's a chance she is doing it for the legitimate purpose of building an emotional, non-sexual connection with me, but for some reason that seems doubtful.

[JC90]

Well she flaked out saying: "Hey I woke up this morning with a cough so I’m going to go get a Covid test later :/"

I just said: "Ouch. Hope you don't have it. Good luck"

It's whatever. I won't reach out to her. And I guess that means I'm totally free to set up dates with other women the rest of the week lol. I'm also going to post a shirtless selfie on my snap story tomorrow. It'll capture the attention of other girls in talking to as well as make her wonder why the hell I'd post something salacious when we're "dating" and she has me by the balls.

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by JC90

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

Except now we're not having sex because she wants to "take it slow." No idea what this means but it doesn't seem good or normal to me. She might have lost the desire to have sex with me at this point and could be in the process of friendzoning me for all I know. I guess there's a chance she is doing it for the legitimate purpose of building an emotional, non-sexual connection with me, but for some reason that seems doubtful.

have you ever genuinely thought about the fact that your cynical or insecure attitude was the reason she wasn't interested the first time around?  I'm not trying to blame you.  I just trying to say that youre overthinking things and imploding basically and wanting a different result.  But exactly the way you are acting is inherent in you probably in some way and it's possible why she didn't see continuing with you the first time.  I can see things from her point of view: there's stuff to like but his insecurity gets in the way; it's unattractive.   And then exactly what you are worried and insecure about comes true--the person leaves you.  You can't give AF if she does or doesn't.  Know your worth.  If you DON'T believe in your worth, how in the world do you expect anyone else to? And to convey that there is something worthy about you?  You might think you can hide it but insecurity usually oozes out somehow. I could go back through this thread and bold it in the wording of your posts because it was there from the beginning.  Not trying to make you feel bad. Just to realize that you have to address this internally.

[JC90]

19 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

have you ever genuinely thought about the fact that your cynical or insecure attitude was the reason she wasn't interested the first time around?  I'm not trying to blame you.  I just trying to say that youre overthinking things and imploding basically and wanting a different result.  But exactly the way you are acting is inherent in you probably in some way and it's possible why she didn't see continuing with you the first time.  I can see things from her point of view: there's stuff to like but his insecurity gets in the way; it's unattractive.   And then exactly what you are worried and insecure about comes true--the person leaves you.  You can't give AF if she does or doesn't.  Know your worth.  If you DON'T believe in your worth, how in the world do you expect anyone else to? And to convey that there is something worthy about you?  You might think you can hide it but insecurity usually oozes out somehow. I could go back through this thread and bold it in the wording of your posts because it was there from the beginning.  Not trying to make you feel bad. Just to realize that you have to address this internally.

Well firstly everyone in here has convinced me it's not normal. And it's... Not. 4 months history, two hookups to start, then "taking it slow"? Extremely bizarre and not what would happen in a normal, healthy dating scenario or relationship.

She actually broke it off the first time around because I was TOO interested. As in wanted a relationship and to give her the world. And she broke up with me via text. You know what they say... No good deed goes unpunished. Now I'm more and more being convinced that she's a straight up bad person.

Edited December 8, 2020 by JC90

[Acacia98]

11 minutes ago, JC90 said:

Well firstly everyone in here has convinced me it's not normal. And it's... Not. 4 months history, two hookups to start, then "taking it slow"? Extremely bizarre and not what would happen in a normal, healthy dating scenario or relationship.

She actually broke it off the first time around because I was TOO interested. As in wanted a relationship and to give her the world. And she broke up with me via text. You know what they say... No good deed goes unpunished. Now I'm more and more being convinced that she's a straight up bad person.

The wonder (to me) is that she treated you so shabbily the first time round and you left the door open, essentially allowing her to insert herself back into your life.

You asked in an earlier post why she sought you for sex after 2.5 months. I'm guessing you wanted to believe that it was because she had residual feelings for you. Maybe it was because you were available and accessible? Maybe you should have gotten angry enough to block her when she dumped you by text?

Now that you have come to the conclusion that she is a bad person, I hope you will take it upon yourself to protect yourself from being used by her. You have the capacity to end this "friendship" or whatever it is with her and to shut the door properly this time round: by blocking her. Please pay attention to and respect your own feelings. You were feeling "weird" when you got back together with her for good reason. Those were the alarm bells ringing, telling you to get the heck out of a dangerous situation. You weren't able to get an erection for the same reason. Listen to what your body is telling you: it's saying that proximity to this woman is not good for you.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

Well firstly everyone in here has convinced me it's not normal. And it's... Not. 4 months history, two hookups to start, then "taking it slow"? Extremely bizarre and not what would happen in a normal, healthy dating scenario or relationship.

She actually broke it off the first time around because I was TOO interested. As in wanted a relationship and to give her the world. And she broke up with me via text. You know what they say... No good deed goes unpunished. Now I'm more and more being convinced that she's a straight up bad person.

What's not normal about it?  

Your post above is just what i expected.  You acted too interested, fueled by your insecurity and need to lock her down--which drove her away.  She took you for granted because you guys are not balanced with each other, as in balanced trade.  But obviously she likes enough about you that with time and space (and perhaps need of ego boost and some sex) she reached back out.  Now here behind the scenes, you are doing EXACTLY what probably had her not interested in the first place.  

I wouldn't say she is a bad person--she may be/she may not be.  What I'm saying is your approach is not helping!  And you can't ignore it as a contributing factor.  Also btw, you can't harbor all these negative feelings and still want her--it's kind of possessive.  It's like you are trying to "obtain" her to externally deal with your feelings of worth.  or get her back to sooth your ego.  If you think she actually is a bad person, by no means would a person with healthy self-esteem try to date her.  I think you are conflicted because deep down you know there is some inputs on your end that could be better.  You are spinning, my friend.. You can't try to play it cool on the surface with her, while you have all this sh*t going on in your head.  So my recommendation is to find a way to stop having these thoughts fly around in your head.  If you come to the conclusion at any point that is based in fact not your overactive insecure brain, then of course, drop her--no reason to want someone like that in your life. Good luck

Edited December 8, 2020 by Versacehottie

[UrbanCamo]

3 hours ago, JC90 said:

Well she flaked out saying: "Hey I woke up this morning with a cough so I’m going to go get a Covid test later :/"

I just said: "Ouch. Hope you don't have it. Good luck"

It's whatever. I won't reach out to her. And I guess that means I'm totally free to set up dates with other women the rest of the week lol. I'm also going to post a shirtless selfie on my snap story tomorrow. It'll capture the attention of other girls in talking to as well as make her wonder why the hell I'd post something salacious when we're "dating" and she has me by the balls.

 

Good response to her cancellation. I think it's likely she'll reach out within a week as well. Possibly even within a few days to tell you she doesn't have it. When she does I'd recommend NOT trying to make plans. Only schedule something if she brings up hanging out first. Let her chase.

Also about posting the shirtless selfie... You might wanna wait a week to do it. It might not be necessary to play the jealousy card TOO hard yet. Instead, maybe post a pic this weekend with two glasses of wine on your coffee table and caption it like "perfect night" or something. Then she'll wonder who you're hanging with. Could be a platonic friend, could be your mom, could be a another girl. Who knows?

Edited December 8, 2020 by UrbanCamo

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, UrbanCamo said:

Good response to her cancellation. I think it's likely she'll reach out within a week as well. Possibly even within a few days to tell you she doesn't have it. When she does I'd recommend NOT trying to make plans. Only schedule something if she brings up hanging out first. Let her chase.

Also about posting the shirtless selfie... You might wanna wait a week to do it. It might not be necessary to play the jealousy card TOO hard yet.

Agreed with . With extreme emphasis on the bolded. To play the jealousy card, the woman has to care first. I don’t think she even cares enough at this point, so she’ll see right through it and be annoyed.. It might help to pull back so that she wonders why and the confusion ups her interest. I’ve heard/seen this work. But that is a real shot in the dark.

 

 Also, you need a paradigm shift. A complete rebirth. Like a phoenix out of the ashes. I noticed this with one guy I dated in the past. He was sooo good looking, had a great job, nice, smart. I’m like”Why are you single? and why are you dating me?”Didn’t take long to figure that one out. He was  sooooo needy. You could tell his world revolved around me and his sense of romance. There is very little that is less attractive in a man.  When I tried to break it off with him he did the waterworks as well. Work on yourself. You will notice much more success in dating outside of just hookups

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Some additional thoughts: 

Jealousy , preselection might work. But only if you are going to go full dread and can *convincingly* make her think you’ve lost interest in her and want another girl. She might up her interest then, but it won’t be interest in you so much as interest in quelling her ego and uncertainty. 
 

With the aforementioned ex, I did go back to him months later after breaking up. He was super confused and actually gave me a big, emotional  speech about it too. Anyway , I thought, you know, he is nice , cute, and I don’t dislike his companionship, so why not? 
 

While we were’ talking’, this other girl showed interest in him. This caused me to step up my game and Iock him down(again). However, as you may guess, this did not last long. Lost interest and broke up with him a few months down the road. It was very very bad and I’ve learned a lot from it. So this is not so much about my appalling behavior throughout that, but more to provide some insight 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[JC90]

Thanks for the responses. I'll take all this into account.

Also, her response to my, err, response was just "thanks".

[UrbanCamo]

 

31 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Some additional thoughts: 

Jealousy , preselection might work. But only if you are going to go full dread and can *convincingly* make her think you’ve lost interest in her and want another girl. She might up her interest then, but it won’t be interest in you so much as interest in quelling her ego and uncertainty. 
 

With the aforementioned ex, I did go back to him months later after breaking up. He was super confused and actually gave me a big, emotional  speech about it too. Anyway , I thought, you know, he is nice , cute, and I don’t dislike his companionship, so why not? 
 

While we were’ talking’, this other girl showed interest in him. This caused me to step up my game and Iock him down(again). However, as you may guess, this did not last long. Lost interest and broke up with him a few months down the road. It was very very bad and I’ve learned a lot from it. So this is not so much about my appalling behavior throughout that, but more to provide some insight 

Just curious... What did he do that was "needy"?

15 minutes ago, JC90 said:

Thanks for the responses. I'll take all this into account.

Also, her response to my, err, response was just "thanks".

Short and cold. Just as you'd expect from an emotionless zombie such as herself. I really don't think this "person" (yes in quotes because she barely qualifies from what you've told us) is even capable of romantic feelings dude. She probably has soooooo many problems that even Ted Bundy would think "I'll pass on this one".

[Versacehottie]

34 minutes ago, JC90 said:

Thanks for the responses. I'll take all this into account.

Also, her response to my, err, response was just "thanks".

Well, I'm glad^^^ I think it will help you for real.  Agree with the others that said don't post the shirtless selfie now, it's too transparent as an attention grab or attempt to make her jealous.  She needs to care more first and it's too close to her bailing on your date to not been totally seen through.  I think disappearing off the radar does the same trick.  People usually disappear off social media when they are having the beginning stages of good dating sooo it can have the same effect.

Ok about her response.  Two things:

1. she is not acting that interested.  While that doesn't make her a "bad person", it does make her someone that you probably shouldn't invest a lot into.  

2.The tone in her "thanks" could simply be a mirror or appropriate response to a guy that wants too much from her and is butthurt.  "Ouch" isn't the best response from a guy who supposedly is way into you.  It says that you don't believe her and are very disappointed that the date isn't happening.  See what I mean about what is going on in your head affecting the outcome of your interactions and your goals with her.  Both of you get on the defensive.  In reality no one is "winning or losing".  Maybe if you stop looking at it like that, you can get control of your emotions and put your real best in with her--IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT. Otherwise, it you are this salty, walk away.  If I knew a guy was this angry about me,  Iwouldnt' want to date him.  The game playing while STILL focused on me is HIGHLY unattractive.  I might not mind the pulling back in an effort to equalize things or create some distance as you both discussed but because you are going to live your life now based on what you both said, that you would be fine taking it slow.  It's a gamble she takes if you accept it and roll with it, which is pulling back and dating others WITHOUT trying to make her jealous like someone who is really butthurt over it.

Edited December 8, 2020 by Versacehottie

[JC90]

4 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Well, I'm glad^^^ I think it will help you for real.  Agree with the others that said don't post the shirtless selfie now, it's too transparent as an attention grab or attempt to make her jealous.  She needs to care more first and it's too close to her bailing on your date to not been totally seen through.  I think disappearing off the radar does the same trick.  People usually disappear off social media when they are having the beginning stages of good dating sooo it can have the same effect.

Ok about her response.  Two things:

1. she is not acting that interested.  While that doesn't make her a "bad person", it does make her someone that you probably shouldn't invest a lot into.  

2.The tone in her "thanks" could simply be a mirror or appropriate response to a guy that wants too much from her and is butthurt.  "Ouch" isn't the best response from a guy who supposedly is way into you.  It says that you don't believe her and are very disappointed that the date isn't happening.  See what I mean about what is going on in your head affecting the outcome of your interactions and your goals with her.  Both of you get on the defensive.  In reality no one is "winning or losing".  Maybe if you stop looking at it like that, you can get control of your emotions and put your real best in with her--IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT. Otherwise, it you are this salty, walk away.  If I knew a guy was this angry about me,  Iwouldnt' want to date him.  The game playing while STILL focused on me is HIGHLY unattractive.  I might not mind the pulling back in an effort to equalize things or create some distance as you both discussed but because you are going to live your life now based on what you both said, that you would be fine taking it slow.  It's a gamble she takes if you accept it and roll with it, which is pulling back and dating others WITHOUT trying to make her jealous like someone who is really butthurt over it.

That's exactly what I wanted her to think (bolded)--that her flaking didn't phase me and I didn't really care. But I actually said ouch because she said she woke up with a cough and has to get a covid test.

[JC90]

[Redacted]

I never allowed her to know it or any of the things I've said in these posts. I say she "knows it" because she knew/knows I had/have strong feelings for her (ever since the last time we dated), and has clearly been using that to her advantage.

Edited December 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed Reference to Deleted Post

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, UrbanCamo said:

 

Just curious... What did he do that was "needy"?

Short and cold. Just as you'd expect from an emotionless zombie such as herself. I really don't think this "person" (yes in quotes because she barely qualifies from what you've told us) is even capable of romantic feelings dude. She probably has soooooo many problems that even Ted Bundy would think "I'll pass on this one".

That’s a good question. I don’t know if I pinpoint particular things. There were a lot of them and they were pretty insignificant  in isolation, but when you put them together, it added up to just this sense of neediness. Felt like I had him wrapped around my finger from the first date. I knew that I had it in the bag, so there wasn’t really any chance for the spark to stay lit.. It was almost like could predict what he would say because it was always along the lines of “yes“ and “how high”. I knew he would most likely be there if I left and  came back . Emotionally ‘easy’ would be a better way to put it than needy i guess . I think it would be hard for him  to hide it. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, JC90 said:

I never allowed her to know it or any of the things I've said in these posts. I say she "knows it" because she knew/knows I had/have strong feelings for her (ever since the last time we dated), and has clearly been using that to her advantage.

Again why do you allow this?  You do have a choice here.  To take back your self-respect and walk, or continue to allow her to "use" you and frankly disrespect you, make a fool out of you (sorry but it's true).

If you have any chance of gaining back her respect and possibly reignite her attraction, you must walk away.

Dont do it as a "strategy" to get her back, do it for you cause it appears you have lost yourself and that is very sad. 

[Miss Spider]

It’s nearly impossible for some guys to do it once they get like this. Ive seen it happen on forums, with friends, and first hand experience. Once they are “in love” (actually just infatuation wherein they ignore any and all red flags presented to them)  it is pretty amazing what they will put up with and keep coming back for more. You can break up or ignore them and months later say hey and pick up where you left off. With people like this, you have to exercise your own moral judgment and not treat them badly because they do not have the boundaries to make sure that doesn’t happen themselves. This woman lacks those morals, clearly. 

 

It’s very sad, indeed. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes