Ex reached out after 2.5 months no contact

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl is going to break your heart again. 

 

[Yosemite]

If the genders were reversed, it would be very clear to you what's happening here. She called you last minute to come over for sex on Thanksgiving night and then basically tells you to leave after having sex that night. She comes over tonight, you have sex again, and then she leaves.

You're being used for sex and to help her get through the holidays without feeling lonely. She also wants to have someone around to support her through her parent's separation.

If you don't believe that's true, then stop having sex with her...don't have sex with her for at least a month. If she keeps calling and setting up dates even when you're not having sex, then it's possible she could genuinely want you back.

I just think it's extremely unlikely that she'll still want to be with you after the holidays are over and after she's processed her parent's separation. She basically told you that you're her second choice/back up...she broke up with you to date some other guy; it didn't work out with him so she called you. If she meets someone else who she has good chemistry with, you'll find yourself dumped again.

Her dad is making sexual comments about her...that is so creepy and weird. It's hard to believe that that all just started out of the blue, it could've been going on for a while...so it's possible that she's an incest victim.

You really should walk away.

[schlumpy]

Block out some time in the future for recovery.

[dangerous]

OP, I have lived a similar scenario. A couple of reassurances for you:

The problems are with her. Recognise this, if and when this all ends (99% likely this will end badly, I am afraid) it is not because of what you did. 

Don't get too hung up about your ED, its understandable, your emotions are being F'ed with. 

What happened to me, and I hope this helps you, if it does all end badly, is that after the first "soulmate" relationship and break-up, we got back together for a period of around a month. During that time, she was up and down with her intensity: "I love you" then "Give me space" and so on. Believe me this was pretty intense, whole weekends of blissful passion and then distance. As the weeks went on I began to feel stronger in myself, until I got so fed up with the push and pull that I concluded "We are done". And we were.

Footnote: but then she came back again a month later, and head-f***ed me, it took all my strength not to be sucked down into the void of depression, and I cut off her sorry as*. Blocked, no FB, nothing. Four years later now and not a word.

Tread VERY carefully OP.

Edited November 29, 2020 by dangerous

[poppyfields]

I have a different take.  Her comforting you, holding you, rubbing your back suggesting y'all start over and take it slow was quite sensitive  imo.

Since you were having difficulty "performing" it was obvious you were anxious and over-thinking, so that was the best response imo.

It actually did allow you to calm down and have sex, did it not?  Ok you didn't finish but you were able to perform.  

One of the beautiful things about human beings is having the freedom to change our minds, flexibility and being open to changing nuances. Versus rigidity and black and white thinking.

Timing was bad first time round, she had just broken up with her ex.

Months pass, she's had a chance to process, began thinking about you, missing you, and reached out 

She does not sound like a woman stringing you along imo.  Actually when you wrote you broke down and poured your heart out, I cringed. My first thought was "oh god, kiss of death." Lol

But then I read how she responded - holding you, comforting you, suggesting you take it slow and start over, which imo IS the best thing to do, I thought "wow, this girl really does care."

My advice?  Try to get out of your head.  Exercise, do yoga, it increases endorphins which have a calming effect. 

Start over.  Take it slow.  Take the risk.  Whether it works out in the end or not, you learn and grow.

Good luck and keep us posted.  

Edited November 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Commongoal123]

On 11/27/2020 at 3:04 PM, JC90 said:

Once again, why use me for that? Why not use a random guy? Or one of the guys (I'm sure) she dated/hooked up with in the past couple months? Why reach out to me after 2.5 months no contact just for hooking up?

 

Because she knows she can manipulate you.

[JC90]

23 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I have a different take.  Her comforting you, holding you, rubbing your back suggesting y'all start over and take it slow was quite sensitive  imo.

Since you were having difficulty "performing" it was obvious you were anxious and over-thinking, so that was the best response imo.

It actually did allow you to calm down and have sex, did it not?  Ok you didn't finish but you were able to perform.  

One of the beautiful things about human beings is having the freedom to change our minds, flexibility and being open to changing nuances. Versus rigidity and black and white thinking.

Timing was bad first time round, she had just broken up with her ex.

Months pass, she's had a chance to process, began thinking about you, missing you, and reached out 

She does not sound like a woman stringing you along imo.  Actually when you wrote you broke down and poured your heart out, I cringed. My first thought was "oh god, kiss of death." Lol

But then I read how she responded - holding you, comforting you, suggesting you take it slow and start over, which imo IS the best thing to do, I thought "wow, this girl really does care."

My advice?  Try to get out of your head.  Exercise, do yoga, it increases endorphins which have a calming effect. 

Start over.  Take it slow.  Take the risk.  Whether it works out in the end or not, you learn and grow.

Good luck and keep us posted.  

I guess we'll see what happens. If she doesn't cancel wed/sat and we can get a couple "normal" and just plain good dates in (without emotional BS) I think it COULD be alright.

I hit her up yesterday in the afternoon just saying "feel like going for a run in a bit?" Because I was about to go for one, and before the breakup we used to run together 1-2 times a week. She responded saying she couldn't because she was hanging with her mom that afternoon, but "wished she could have". I just said all good and told her to have fun. She replied saying thanks, then, for some reason, chose to continue the conversation and asked if I had been running a lot. We talked a bit throughout the day with like 1+ hour breaks in between responses. Also wasn't planning on hitting her up again until Wednesday, but I posted a snap story of me at a beach in Hawaii, and ~a half hour later she saw it and sent me a message saying "cutie :)". I just responded saying "that makes two of us ;)". Seems like she's trying to get/keep my attention? We'll see what happens next.

[boymommy]

7 minutes ago, JC90 said:

I guess we'll see what happens. If she doesn't cancel wed/sat and we can get a couple "normal" and just plain good dates in (without emotional BS) I think it COULD be alright.

I hit her up yesterday in the afternoon just saying "feel like going for a run in a bit?" Because I was about to go for one, and before the breakup we used to run together 1-2 times a week. She responded saying she couldn't because she was hanging with her mom that afternoon, but "wished she could have". I just said all good and told her to have fun. She replied saying thanks, then, for some reason, chose to continue the conversation and asked if I had been running a lot. We talked a bit throughout the day with like 1+ hour breaks in between responses. Also wasn't planning on hitting her up again until Wednesday, but I posted a snap story of me at a beach in Hawaii, and ~a half hour later she saw it and sent me a message saying "cutie :)". I just responded saying "that makes two of us ;)". Seems like she's trying to get/keep my attention? We'll see what happens next.

Well...what you could do is keep asking her out on an actual "date" and see what happens. Or ask her to do something that is non-sexual. If she keeps rejecting those invitations and wants to see you in primarily hookup/sexual scenarios,  you probably have your answer what she is looking for out of the relationship. I dont think it's unusual to make small talk or act interested in someone you have a casual relationship with. I had fwb relationships prior to meeting my boyfriend and they would text me and talk to me and generate conversation but made it clear they didn't want any type of committment or relationship. A lot of people (I would think especially women) like to at least have some vested interest or conversation in the person they are currently sleeping with. Even if there is no formal committment or any deeper emotions there. I understand though because I too was confused by guys wanting to talk to me/text with me, but not wanting a relationship. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by boymommy

[JC90]

On 11/30/2020 at 12:05 PM, boymommy said:

Well...what you could do is keep asking her out on an actual "date" and see what happens. Or ask her to do something that is non-sexual. If she keeps rejecting those invitations and wants to see you in primarily hookup/sexual scenarios,  you probably have your answer what she is looking for out of the relationship. I dont think it's unusual to make small talk or act interested in someone you have a casual relationship with. I had fwb relationships prior to meeting my boyfriend and they would text me and talk to me and generate conversation but made it clear they didn't want any type of committment or relationship. A lot of people (I would think especially women) like to at least have some vested interest or conversation in the person they are currently sleeping with. Even if there is no formal committment or any deeper emotions there. I understand though because I too was confused by guys wanting to talk to me/text with me, but not wanting a relationship. 

It's funny you said this, because we hungout tonight, watched a movie cuddled up on her couch, and had some dinner. When I started kissing her and she could tell I was getting "into it" she stopped me and said, "you know, I was serious about what I said the other night. I do want to take it slow. It helps me connect emotionally more," and she asked me if I was okay with that. I said I was. And we actually did not have sex tonight, but it was a very nice night and without all the emotional mess like the previous time we saw each other. We're supposed to see each other again Saturday, workout together, have dinner out, then a fire at my place.

[Highndry]

On 11/27/2020 at 12:04 PM, JC90 said:

Once again, why use me for that? Why not use a random guy? Or one of the guys (I'm sure) she dated/hooked up with in the past couple months? Why reach out to me after 2.5 months no contact just for hooking up?

How do you know you're the only one? You don't.

[kismetkismet]

She's lonely and stressed and wants a no strings attached FWB. 

If her situation had changed and she wanted to pursue a relationship with you, she would have told you. Since she didn't say anything, she's assuming that you're ok with hanging out with her DESPITE the fact that she doesn't want anything serious with you. You're a 'safe' hook up for her since she's already told you that she's not ready for a relationship. 

If you're not interested in having a FWB situation with this girl, you need to have another direct conversation about that. 

Edited December 3, 2020 by kismetkismet

[JC90]

4 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

She's lonely and stressed and wants a no strings attached FWB. 

If her situation had changed and she wanted to pursue a relationship with you, she would have told you. Since she didn't say anything, she's assuming that you're ok with hanging out with her DESPITE the fact that she doesn't want anything serious with you. You're a 'safe' hook up for her since she's already told you that she's not ready for a relationship. 

If you're not interested in having a FWB situation with this girl, you need to have another direct conversation about that. 

I posted updates since the op.

[JC90]

UPDATE

So we spent most of the day together. Met at 2pm and went to the gym for a workout, then I went to her place and we hungout for an hour, then we went to dinner, and afterwards one of her girlfriends met up with us and we all had a drink. Then I drove us back to her place and as I was looking for a parking spot she said "actually you don't have to park. I have to wake up early to hangout with my nephew tomorrow so I need to go to bed/you can just drop me off" (something like that). I mean, fair enough I guess. Her usual bedtime is 9pm and it was like 10:15, so I get it. Still struck me weird/kinda cold for some reason. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. But it's obvious she's now  serious about "taking it slow". I ended up parking and walking her to her door and giving her a kiss goodnight. Overall it was a good time, lot of laughs, and we scheduled to hangout again tuesday (just watch a movie and have dinner at her place).

 I might just be overthinking, but things feel weird to me. I just can't really tell where she's at. Like she's hard to read. And part of me thinks I should be seeing other people, but a different part of me feels like it would be cheating (it wouldn't because we're not exclusive as far as I know, but I get that same "guilty" feeling when talking to other women). And I'm not sure how to play this with the whole "taking it slow" thing. If it legitimately helps her connect emotionally I'm cool with it for a little while, but like, should I push for sex or just totally wait for her to initiate? I'm not even sure where to go at this point.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, JC90 said:

should I push for sex or just totally wait for her to initiate? I'm not even sure where to go at this point.

Don't push for sex. If you feel her pace doesn't match yours, pull back a bit.

[Miss Spider]

You have have moved from sex buddy to emotional support buddy. That’s not really a graduation for anyone, but particularly an ex-boyfriend. I guess my question is why does she want to “take it slow” now, when you guys have already dated? Because that doesn’t sound like “taking it slow” so much as it sounds like “going in reverse“, low interest, and  also a very convenient way to string you along. More importantly, I guess my question is why you’re OK with this

Edited December 6, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[JC90]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

You have have moved from sex buddy to emotional support buddy. That’s not really a graduation for anyone, but particularly an ex-boyfriend. I guess my question is why does she want to “take it slow” now, when you guys have already dated? Because that doesn’t sound like “taking it slow” so much as it sounds like “going in reverse“, low interest, and  also a very convenient way to string you along. More importantly, I guess my question is why you’re OK with this

So what do you propose I do? Because I'm in too deep to leave. Tell her we need to be having sex, go along with her "take it slow" things, see other women?

It's very relationshippy when we're together. I just don't know what she's thinking, where she is emotionally, and how long she wants to play the "take it slow" thing.

Edited December 6, 2020 by JC90

[elaine567]

Since the Night of the Deep Emotions nothing has happened has it? It is all pretty platonic and friendzone stuff.
Even tonight her friend came along for drinks, and your ex then dismissed you at the door with a kiss...
All designed to keep you at arm's length
I guess she got it all off her chest on that night and now you are hangout buddies.

You are safe and familiar and you love her.
Nothing better than having a "friend" who is in love with you and has your back...
Taking it slow is nonsense in this context.

[JC90]

Well I took the advice in here and have started talking to other girls seriously. As in actually trying to set up dates. Believe it or not I hooked up with someone tonight. And to be honest, it made me feel (a little bit) better. I was very attracted to her and it was a lot of fun.

On another note, when I hangout with the ex tuesday I'm going to ask her if she thinks/expects that we're exclusive at this point or not. I'm almost 100% sure she's going to say she "likes where we're at"/"wants to take everything slow" or some other similar total BS signifying that she doesn't want to be exclusive, but this way I can know for sure and won't feel bad at all about seeing other women. Also tempted to tell her the "taking it slow" thing is making me feel like we're going backwards rather than forwards, and that it feels like we're closer to platonic friends than BF/GF at this point, which I obviously don't want. I'm fine with taking it a little slow for a little while if she truly thinks it helps her build a connection, but with 4 months of history and us both being very sexual people it feels bizarre. Like if she doesn't desire to have sex with me, then why are we even "dating"?

I'm also not going to set up a subsequent date on tuesday and I'm going to see if she reaches out/what she does.

[spiritedaway2003]

My take: What a messy headspace you are in. You are very insecure due to past history and afraid of getting hurt. Newsflash: To be vulnerable with someone IS to risk getting hurt. That is the price you pay for love - nothing less. Obviously, most people would place their heart into someone they trust. It is a good question whether your ex is that right person. 

When I read  her “taking it slow”, I read it as getting to know you better as a person, instead of jumping into sex at every meet.  This isn’t unreasonable. 

I‘d also challenge you on your claim that you are as in love with her as you say you are. When you are truly “ in love” with someone, you won’t be okay with a hookup with someone new. Maybe you were in love, but you have now since put an arms distance to current development.  It’s fair given past hurts but I’d also say that you risk hurting her now because you no longer care or have built up a huge wall.  You are constantly second guessing what you should or shouldn’t do.  You are emotionally unstable around her.  You need to figure out what’s going on with you.

Initially, my advice is to suggest taking it slow and seeing how it goes. In light of latest updates, there may have been too much damage done already.  It may be healthier for the two of you to leave each other alone, especially since you are aware of the issues and other red flags she has to deal with.

Edited December 7, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[JC90]

16 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

My take: What a messy headspace you are in. You are very insecure due to past history and afraid of getting hurt. Newsflash: To be vulnerable with someone IS to risk getting hurt. That is the price you pay for love - nothing less. Obviously, most people would place their heart into someone they trust. It is a good question whether your ex is that right person. 

When I read  her “taking it slow”, I read it as getting to know you better as a person, instead of jumping into sex at every meet.  This isn’t unreasonable. 

I‘d also challenge you on your claim that you are as in love with her as you say you are. When you are truly “ in love” with someone, you won’t be okay with a hookup with someone new. Maybe you were in love, but you have now since put an arms distance to current development.  It’s fair given past hurts but I’d also say that you risk hurting her now because you no longer care or have built up a huge wall.  You are constantly second guessing what you should or shouldn’t do.  You are emotionally unstable around her.  You need to figure out what’s going on with you.

Initially, my advice is to suggest taking it slow and seeing how it goes. In light of latest updates, there may have been too much damage done already.  It may be healthier for the two of you to leave each other alone, especially since you are aware of the issues and other red flags she has to deal with.

I have very deep feelings for her, but I'm angry. She used me once and I feel like she might be using me again. I don't want to waste my time "waiting" for her and not seeing other women if she's possibly talking to/seeing other guys and isn't even taking me seriously. Truth be told I DO want to be with her and be exclusive with her, but I have no clue where her mind is. And the reason I was able to hookup with someone else is because literally EVERYONE--you all, people on another forum, and my friends/family have all said I should see other women. I mean, imagine I just wait for her and it turns out she's using me? I'll be left broken and with nothing. If she wants to be exclusive I'd love that, but I have a feeling it won't be the case.

[Yosemite]

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

I have very deep feelings for her, but I'm angry. She used me once and I feel like she might be using me again.

The only person you should be angry with is yourself. She's not holding you hostage, you can take responsibility for your life and leave any time you want. 

How did she use you the first time? To rebound from her ex? 

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

And the reason I was able to hookup with someone else is because literally EVERYONE--you all, people on another forum, and my friends/family have all said I should see other women. 

Yes, see other women, did anyone really tell you to keep seeing her? I think probably most people meant see other women and forget about your ex.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, JC90 said:

Believe it or not I hooked up with someone tonight

Ok so what you feel for your ex is not love.
It seems  based on anger and even revenge, so just walk away. You are not meant to be together.
You are likely still the "rebound" in her mind and the ease with which you slept with someone else, means this is unlikely to work.
It seems to be more about sex on your side than love.
Stop messing with each other and move on.

3 hours ago, JC90 said:

And the reason I was able to hookup with someone else is because literally EVERYONE--you all, people on another forum, and my friends/family have all said I should see other women.

I highly doubt anyone was suggesting you have a ONS... That was a very mature and rational solution to the problem... SMH.
So if EVERYONE told you to rob a bank, jump off a bridge, or give all your money to a homeless charity... would you do it? 

it was only 4 months and then she dumped you, hardly the love story of the century.
Let it go.

[JC90]

7 hours ago, Yosemite said:

The only person you should be angry with is yourself. She's not holding you hostage, you can take responsibility for your life and leave any time you want. 

How did she use you the first time? To rebound from her ex? 

Yes, see other women, did anyone really tell you to keep seeing her? I think probably most people meant see other women and forget about your ex.

She is, actually. She knows I'm in love with her and knows she has me by the balls.  It's obvious. And yes, she used me as a rebound and might very well be using me again.

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ok so what you feel for your ex is not love.
It seems  based on anger and even revenge, so just walk away. You are not meant to be together.
You are likely still the "rebound" in her mind and the ease with which you slept with someone else, means this is unlikely to work.
It seems to be more about sex on your side than love.
Stop messing with each other and move on.

I highly doubt anyone was suggesting you have a ONS... That was a very mature and rational solution to the problem... SMH.
So if EVERYONE told you to rob a bank, jump off a bridge, or give all your money to a homeless charity... would you do it? 

it was only 4 months and then she dumped you, hardly the love story of the century.
Let it go.

What I feel is unrequited love. What I feel for her is not about sex at all, which is why I agreed to "take it slow" with her. And it's funny, because several previous posters just explained how is makes no sense for us to take it slow with 4 months of history and that not having sex is going backwards. And well, we're not exclusive, and who knows what other guys she's talking to, so I think it is indeed pretty rational to seek out other women and do things to protect myself. If she were to bring up exclusivity I'd 100% go for it. But that hasn't happened and I doubt it will. The more I think about it, the less and less guilty I feel about seeing other women while seeing her. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by JC90

[elaine567]

[Redacted]
You need to let it all go as I don't think her heart is in it and it is strange kind of love that sends you out to look for other women and sleep with them too...
I doubt she will be impressed by that kind of "love", exclusive or not exclusive....
"I love you soooo much but I just had to sleep with the first woman to cross my path..."
Call it a day and don't waste any more of her time or yours.
 

Edited December 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed Reference to Deleted Post

[JC90]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I did not tell you to go sleep with other women, while still pursuing her.
You need to let it all go as I don't think her heart is in it and it is strange kind of love that sends you out to look for other women and sleep with them too...
I doubt she will be impressed by that kind of "love", exclusive or not exclusive....
"I love you soooo much but I just had to sleep with the first woman to cross my path..."
Call it a day and don't waste any more of her time or yours.
 

Her heart's probably not in it. That's why her hitting me up after 2.5 months no contact trying to date me again is really f*cked up. Like psychopath f*cked up. Which also probably means her intentions are simply to use me... Again. And now we're not even having sex  I mean this is comedic.