Ex reached out after 2.5 months no contact

[JC90]

Long story short, I was essentially a rebound and she dumped me after 4 months of dating, 3 months exclusive, because she wasn't over her ex of 2.5 years and "didn't have strong enough feelings for me" (she didn't get back with him, just didn't want to be with me apparently). Pretty much destroyed me at the time as I had fallen for her.

Well, 2.5 months later after no contact at all she texts me asking how I've been. I tell her I've been great. She asks me about my new place and I tell her it's awesome and I love it. We then set up a wine & fire night for Saturday to "break in" my fireplace because I haven't used it yet.

Today she texts me asking about my Thanksgiving, then asks if I want to hangout. I was home, done with my Thanksgiving celebration and free so I agreed to hangout. I get over there and she's in a nightgown and I immediately realize this is a booty call. We talk and start catching up and she tells me her parents just recently separated and she has stopped talking to her father. Red flag? I ask her what the situation is and she says "it's complicated" and doesn't want to talk about it. Facepalm. But whatever.

So I didn't even make a move on her. She snuggled up to me and was obviously trying to initiate sex, which happened. Afterward she cuddled on me for a couple minutes then said "I'm tired". LOL. Whatever, she gets up a 5-6am and I knew it was a booty call so I'm not THAT offended. I laughed and said "I guess that's my cue" and get up to get dressed. I get dressed and she says "see you saturday?", I tell her yep, we agree on a time, and that's that. Wanna know something else funny? We didn't kiss. Like on the lips. She never went for a kiss. No during the foreplay, not during sex, and not goodbye. Intimacy issues?

I also asked if she was "feeling better" (post sex). And told her what I meant was "back then" (as in when we dated/she broke up with me) it seemed like she had some "things to work out", and I asked if she had "worked them out" and "felt better". She said she did, but she honestly seems emotionally blunted/closed off and I can't tell if she was being honest.

This all strikes me as bizarre and I really am not sure what she "wants" from me, which worries me. I was in love with her and thought she was the one at some point, but now I feel very skeptical of her and am even wondering if she's lacking emotions/feelings/empathy or something.

Edited November 27, 2020 by JC90

[Wiseman2]

You both seem ok with post-breakup FWB. 

If you want a GF, well that didn't work out with her. If you want hookups/FWB, well you're both on board with that.

You've already agreed to another hookup, so what exactly is troubling you?

[BrianK]

Just keep your distance and let her do most of the initiating otherwise you'll scare her off again

[Yosemite]

She wants no-strings attached sex...I think that you're going to struggle to keep your heart out of this and probably going to be hurt all over again when she leaves you again. Proceed with caution. 

[Gaeta]

She is not done mourning her last relationship and now her parents are separating, she's probably lonely, needs company and a distraction and she thought of good old you. The no-kissing to me is a HUGE flag as to where she is emotionally. She's closed off. She's not there to open up her heart to you. 

[schlumpy]

If she's meeting you at the doorway in suggestive clothing then who else is she dressing up for?

You do have other options, right?

[ShyViolet]

Well I hope you are not holding out hope for getting back together or anything like that.  She had her chance to be with you the first time, and dumped you because she didn't have strong enough feelings for you. She won't magically develop feelings for you now.   It sounds like she is just lonely and using you for companionship right now.  That's all this is..... a FWB/hookup situation.  If you want to do that, then do it, but don't let yourself get hurt again.

[JC90]

If she's just lonely and only wants a hookup, couldn't she just go for any other number of dudes? Why contact me randomly after months just for that?

[smackie9]

It's pretty obvious she wanted some action...but no emotional connection. This all she is going to offer you, until she kicks you to the curb again.

[Miss Spider]

She sounds lonely and like she wanted some reliable D. Honestly, I think it is a bad idea for you to continue this unless you can just keep it casual and are OK with the temporary companionship and booty until she meets someone she really likes. She told you before, — She just is not that into you.
 

Sorry. 

[JC90]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

She sounds lonely and like she wanted some reliable D. Honestly, I think it is a bad idea for you to continue this unless you can just keep it casual and are OK with the temporary companionship and booty until she meets someone she really likes. She told you before, — She just is not that into you.
 

Sorry. 

Once again, why use me for that? Why not use a random guy? Or one of the guys (I'm sure) she dated/hooked up with in the past couple months? Why reach out to me after 2.5 months no contact just for hooking up?

In her defense (not that she deserves it), we started seeing each other IMMEDIATELY after her 2.5 year relationship ended. It's not surprising that she wasn't ready to jump into another one so soon, and after something that long ending I honestly believe she needed to be free for a while. She still shouldn't have used me though.

So you all believe there's absolutely no chance this girl has "changed", and contacted me because she legitimately missed me and is actually ready this time?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, JC90 said:

If she's just lonely and only wants a hookup, couldn't she just go for any other number of dudes? Why contact me randomly after months just for that?

Its easy and comfortable.

[Miss Spider]

13 minutes ago, JC90 said:

Once again, why use me for that? Why not use a random guy? Or one of the guys (I'm sure) she dated/hooked up with in the past couple months? Why reach out to me after 2.5 months no contact just for hooking up?

In her defense (not that she deserves it), we started seeing each other IMMEDIATELY after her 2.5 year relationship ended. It's not surprising that she wasn't ready to jump into another one so soon, and after something that long ending I honestly believe she needed to be free for a while. She still shouldn't have used me though.

So you all believe there's absolutely no chance this girl has "changed", and contacted me because she legitimately missed me and is actually ready this time?

Because it is easy and comfortable. I have done similar in the past with exes. 

I don’t think there is a chance. Nope. 

[Chilli]

 

Yeah , it's easy and at home'ish and she's still all over the shop and wants to feel you guys out more and yeah , you got the call thrown in. Doubt she's just all nice and cleared up about ex though in just 2 1/2 mths and her parents thing has been of course v upsetting too, and no it's not weird about her dad, it's her dad and they've separated , who know's what's happened in all that.

You could keep seeing her if you wanna try again, never know she might be ready now , or she thinks she is or she's  just lonely but if you really felt the way you've said then it's up to you if you wanna risk being hurt again as well if she isn't. You don't sound as deep as all that though so maybe go out a few times, see where she's really at now if your game.

 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Chilli

[schlumpy]

5 hours ago, JC90 said:

So you all believe there's absolutely no chance this girl has "changed", and contacted me because she legitimately missed me and is actually ready this time?

It's possible that she just wanted to find out if she had made a mistake years ago.

Does that sound likely?

 

[boymommy]

She doesn't just want a booty call, she wants sympathy sex too! Or perhaps she thought she had to manipulate you into sleeping with her by telling you her problems. Not sure. 

Anyway...if you are on the same page and just want post sex hook ups all is good. If you are looking for more of a relationship type thing with her I don't think that is what she is after. She just wants sex. This girl hurt you enough so you have to decide if you want to get sucked back into her web again or if you are just cool with a no strings attached booty caller. 

[boymommy]

7 hours ago, JC90 said:

Once again, why use me for that? Why not use a random guy? Or one of the guys (I'm sure) she dated/hooked up with in the past couple months? Why reach out to me after 2.5 months no contact just for hooking up?

In her defense (not that she deserves it), we started seeing each other IMMEDIATELY after her 2.5 year relationship ended. It's not surprising that she wasn't ready to jump into another one so soon, and after something that long ending I honestly believe she needed to be free for a while. She still shouldn't have used me though.

So you all believe there's absolutely no chance this girl has "changed", and contacted me because she legitimately missed me and is actually ready this time?

Because she knows you and probably likes having sex with you. If she had "changed" she wouldn't have arranged opportunities for a hook up. She would have wanted to talk things out and flat out told you she wanted another chance with you...then you would have taken her out on a date. If a girl misses a guy and legit wants another shot with him she doesn't ask skanky and show up in a nighty. She tries to talk to him and act like a girlfriend, not a hookup. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you hope to get back together?

Sex with the ex is like putting on those old comfortable slippers. No muss, no fuss.

"New random dudes" is too much hassle, you know that. That's why people hookup with exes.

[Miss Spider]

There is a explicit reason why people do not end up with their rebounds, generally. It’s because people don’t choose people for the right reasons for a rebound. She wasn’t with you because she liked you a lot. She was with you because you fit a certain purpose for her in a certain time of her life. Just like you are doing right now. And yes, it is very common for people to use their exes in this way

[dangerous]

OP, you seem to be avoiding the question that you must be asking yourself: What is it you want? NSA sex or to get back together as BF/GF. It sounds like its the latter, and as others have already said, she doesn't sound like a good bet, I'd say you're in for some heartbreak if you carry this on.

[JC90]

She literally just left. It was an... Interesting night to say the least. It went great and also terrible.

So the first hour everything was great. Drank wine, got a fire going in my fireplace, all was good. We sat in front of the fire at some point and talked. We DID talk a little about the breakup/what happened, and she told me she wasn't in the right place for a relationship at that point, and also said she contacted me because she had been thinking about me and (to sum it up) wanted to see how hanging out now would be and how things would go. So essentially telling me, in so many words, that she wanted to see where us dating would go now (at least that's how I heard it). I didn't even ask about this, but she also told me that she didn't really date except for one guy. No more detail was given about that person and I didn't ask. I figure it was a dating app hookup or they casually dated for a short period.

At some point she started touching me, we made out, very romantic, I got "excited," then she pushed me down and started kissing me down. For some reason I lost my "excitedness." I guess I got in my own head really bad or something. Then I said let's go to my bedroom, same thing, I just... Couldn't. I say I need a minute and go to the bathroom. I come out and she's back on the couch fully clothed (and obviously ready to leave). She asks me if everything is ok and I tell her I just feel "weird". She asks what I mean and I give it to her. All of it. I totally broke down. I pretty much told her how I was in love with her and how her dumping me destroyed me, that the last 2.5 months haven't been "great" as I initially told her, and that I still had strong feelings for her, etc, etc, etc. All the while she's hugging me, rubbing my back and comforting me. She then said "how about we start over, act like we never dated, and take it slow?" I just say "ok". She then suggests a date night for next Saturday where we make dinner and watch this movie she's been wanting to watch and I agree.

We then watched TV for a bit. At some point I say "we should go lay down" and we cuddle up on my bed. We start touching each other, I get excited again, she starts talking dirty and I reciprocate, she goes down on me and we end up having sex. Once again though, I can't finish before she gets worn out. I just can't stay out of my own head or something. I think I'm putting WAY too much pressure on myself because it's my ex and I'm still in love with her, and I feel this extreme pressure to "perform." Afterwards we do some cuddling and talk a little more. She opens up to me about what's going on with her parents separating. It was actually complicated. The father might be having an affair, and he also (from what she said) has made a lot of creepy, inappropriate comments about her and her friends (like sexual things). She cries when talking about this (like I did when I broke down earlier ha). I told her I understand that it's hard now, but also that everything WILL be ok.

She gets up, puts her clothes on at some point and goes to the bathroom. When she comes back to the bedroom she sits on my lap (I'm sitting on the bed) and cuddles up on me. I say to her "how about this... How about I take off work early Wednesday and we hangout? I'll come to your place. Then Saturday we can do dinner and the movie at my place." She agrees. I walk her to her car, give her a kiss goodnight, say "I'll see you Wednesday" and she leaves.

I truly, honestly believe we could have an amazing relationship, but my God... It's such a clusterf*ck right now and I can't even lie, I'm feeling pretty messed up. Emotions going crazy just like after the breakup. I was supposed to have a date tomorrow but I don't think I can follow through on it. All I can think about is getting to Wednesday and seeing her again, and also having a more "normal" date night to make up for the craziness of this one. I also have this ridiculous anxiety in my head of "oh my god what if she spontaneously cancels wednesday, says we shouldn't see each other, and rejects me again". I'm a f*cking mess. To be honest I was a mess before tonight but now my emotions are even crazier.

I feel like I have to see this through. I feel like I HAVE to see where this goes. Even if it means being crushed again. I'm still in love with this girl.

[Miss Spider]

Sometimes you only receive the closure you need if you follow it through and find out for yourself. Sounds like a sloppy mess. I hope it works out for you, nevertheless

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[JC90]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sometimes you only receive the closure you need if you follow it through and find out for yourself. Sounds like a sloppy mess. I hope it works out for you, nevertheless

At the moment I agree with you. If we can get a normal date night in without all this emotional stuff happening I think it'll be less of a sloppy mess. Seeing her tonight just brought back all the "love" feelings that I had before we broke up 2.5 months ago. I never totally lost them, but they were (very) slowly fading. Now I feel pretty much back at square one (i.e. totally in love with her), which is fine IF this actually goes well/works out. Big if, obviously. My main problem is that I'm so anxious and in my head that it's killing me. Even though we have dates set up for Wednesday and Saturday, I can't stop think about the worst case scenarios... "What if she decides she doesn't want to see me?" "Is she going to cancel between now and Wednesday?" "Is she going to change her mind?" Just like all this negative crap that I shouldn't even be thinking about. I should be happy we've reconnected and happy we have dates scheduled, right? But I'm the opposite... I feel totally insecure and like she might reject me again at any moment. It ridiculous. I need a freaking xanax.

[Miss Spider]

Well, your doubts are for a pretty good reason. I think it’s pretty obvious that she is just stringing you along. She sounds lonely, like she’s going through some serious stuff, and like she doesn’t have any better (safe) options right now. If she really liked you and you confessed all of your feelings to her do you think she would say “let’s just take it slow and act like we never dated before?“ Would you say that to someone that you had feelings for? Nothing about your relationship would warrant taking it slow. You guys are having sex, emotional meltdowns,  you guys have a history of four months behind you, but she wants to take it slow . You are playing yourself big-time. Seems like she has serious issues as well. Doesn’t sound worth it , but that’s not my call to make.I hope I’m wrong and hope that you can chill out so you guys can have fun on the date. 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[JC90]

26 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well, your doubts are for a pretty good reason. I think it’s pretty obvious that she is just stringing you along. She sounds lonely, like she’s going through some serious stuff, and like she doesn’t have any better (safe) options right now. If she really liked you and you confessed all of your feelings to her do you think she would say “let’s just take it slow and act like we never dated before?“ Would you say that to someone that you had feelings for? Nothing about your relationship would warrant taking it slow. You guys are having sex, emotional meltdowns,  you guys have a history of four months behind you, but she wants to take it slow . You are playing yourself big-time. Seems like she has serious issues as well. Doesn’t sound worth it , but that’s not my call to make.I hope I’m wrong and hope that you can chill out so you guys can have fun on the date. 

I don't disagree with you. I think she said that (taking it slow thing) because I couldn't perform that first time, then told her I was feeling "weird" about the situation, and then spilled my guts to her regarding how I really felt. In short, I think she said it to put me at ease and make me feel better/more comfortable.

Just curious... How do you think this should go if it were "healthy"? Like we just reconnected after 2.5 months of no contact--what SHOULD happen?

Edited November 29, 2020 by JC90