Communication difficulties

[boymommy]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How old is he?
 

47

[Acacia98]

8 minutes ago, boymommy said:

So I think ultimately I won't be afraid to walk away if the result of the talks we have been having do not yield any progress because I do value myself and know I deserve love and marriage again. 

I'm immensely happy to read this. Whatever happens, you will be okay.

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm immensely happy to read this. Whatever happens, you will be okay.

Well yeah, I mean I'm not just going to stay in a relationship that isn't working just to be with someone. I have done way too much work on myself for that! Admittedly I tend to stay in relationships past the expiration point, but I think it's more like if I think the other person still is willing to work on things. That's kind of where I am at right now. We are actually talking now and communicating our wants to each other a little better, whereas before the dynamic was: 

I would try talking to him, then he would stonewall, then I would get pissed off and bottle up/avoid talking him, then after a period of time just unleash my anger/anxiety on him because I couldn't take bottling up anymore, he would feel attacked and then further pull away...repeat cycle.

In therapy I learned I had to try to talk to him regardless of what I was getting back even if it was negative to begin with..but if I kept doing that eventually my anxiety would go down because I would no longer feel as though I was bottling things up and it would turn to a healthier way of voicing the concerns and he would be more receptive. I believe this is what is happening currently. After the initial backlash I received from him, I'm feeling better and less anxious about communicating with him. More willing to give him space when needed. 

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

It seems like my situation is kind of similar to yours, as you have shared your feedback with me in my post. I was wondering what kind of abusive/controlling relationship you had with your ex husband?

My ex-boyfriend was also very emotionally abusive and controlling and I was traumatized. He would demand all my time and attention and ended up controlling every life decision I made. I did not realize this was happening to me until it was too late and I was emotionally scarred and broken. This is because in the beginning, he was extremely passionate and intensely romantic. He showed lots of attention, always texting, calling, asking to see me, and showering me with gifts. Somehow as I got swept away by this, I think when I ended up being abused repeatedly, he eroded  a part of my self esteem. 

I originally had a secure attachment style before this ex, but now I think I developed anxious attachment.

When I first started dating my current boyfriend, I liked him because he was the polar opposite of my ex. He was chill and didn’t overwhelm me with contact or wanting to see me. But it did start bothering me bits by bit. Like does he really like me? Is he invested too little?

Funny you say this started bothering you more with your current man after you started therapy, because that is the exact same thing that happened to me. I got a therapist to deal with the past emotional abuse trauma and after a few sessions and exploring my past, I started getting very anxious about my current relationship. Maybe the therapy is bringing our old thoughts and feelings back from the psycho exes and we are feeling small again, starting to doubt everyone else. I knew something was wrong when I started comparing my new guy to my ex and what he did for me. 

I think we need to continue working on our therapy journey. Like maybe the current guys aren’t not interested or not caring. They are just not psycho abusive insecure jerks. Maybe they are only half invested or not into us, but we shouldn’t automatically assume that just because they are not as intensely communicative as our exes. Is your current man respectful of you? Does he criticize you or bring you down? Does he try to make life decisions for you? Is he loyal? If he is a decent person, maybe try to see How you feel when you are around him. Does he make you feel calm and happy or nervous and like walking on eggshells or neglected?

If he makes you feel loved, that is great but you should also be observant. If you feel like you need more, maybe that’s not right for you. We just need to recognize what our true “wants and needs” are. Don’t forget that the excessive showering of attention and communication turned into abuse. We just need to find out what a healthy amount of attention is for us.

At the end of the day, I think we should redirect focus back onto ourselves and regain that part of ourselves lost from past abuse. I think when we can heal emotionally and have more self love, other people’s intentions or investment shouldn’t bother us and we would be clearer about our wants and needs and make the right choices. 

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

It seems like my situation is kind of similar to yours, as you have shared your feedback with me in my post. I was wondering what kind of abusive/controlling relationship you had with your ex husband?

My ex-boyfriend was also very emotionally abusive and controlling and I was traumatized. He would demand all my time and attention and ended up controlling every life decision I made. I did not realize this was happening to me until it was too late and I was emotionally scarred and broken. This is because in the beginning, he was extremely passionate and intensely romantic. He showed lots of attention, always texting, calling, asking to see me, and showering me with gifts. Somehow as I got swept away by this, I think when I ended up being abused repeatedly, he eroded  a part of my self esteem. 

I originally had a secure attachment style before this ex, but now I think I developed anxious attachment.

When I first started dating my current boyfriend, I liked him because he was the polar opposite of my ex. He was chill and didn’t overwhelm me with contact or wanting to see me. But it did start bothering me bits by bit. Like does he really like me? Is he invested too little?

Funny you say this started bothering you more with your current man after you started therapy, because that is the exact same thing that happened to me. I got a therapist to deal with the past emotional abuse trauma and after a few sessions and exploring my past, I started getting very anxious about my current relationship. Maybe the therapy is bringing our old thoughts and feelings back from the psycho exes and we are feeling small again, starting to doubt everyone else. I knew something was wrong when I started comparing my new guy to my ex and what he did for me. 

I think we need to continue working on our therapy journey. Like maybe the current guys aren’t not interested or not caring. They are just not psycho abusive insecure jerks. Maybe they are only half invested or not into us, but we shouldn’t automatically assume that just because they are not as intensely communicative as our exes. Is your current man respectful of you? Does he criticize you or bring you down? Does he try to make life decisions for you? Is he loyal? If he is a decent person, maybe try to see How you feel when you are around him. Does he make you feel calm and happy or nervous and like walking on eggshells or neglected?

If he makes you feel loved, that is great but you should also be observant. If you feel like you need more, maybe that’s not right for you. We just need to recognize what our true “wants and needs” are. Don’t forget that the excessive showering of attention and communication turned into abuse. We just need to find out what a healthy amount of attention is for us.

At the end of the day, I think we should redirect focus back onto ourselves and regain that part of ourselves lost from past abuse. I think when we can heal emotionally and have more self love, other people’s intentions or investment shouldn’t bother us and we would be clearer about our wants and needs and make the right choices. 

Hi Pinkwater! Thanks so much for commenting. Your post inspired me to start my own thread because it was literally like reading about what was going on in my own life. So thank you so much for that! 

My ex husband: Oy he is the worst of the worst. A super controlling overt narcissist. Although obviously since I married him I didn't know any of this and when we were dating he didnt outwardly controlling or abusive. It seemed more like he had these really strange OCD type issues that I didn't understand (like once I spilled soda on his shirt accidentally, he shot me a look that could kill and ran upstairs immediately to change his shirt).  You'd think I murdered someone or something..I never saw anyone react to a spilled drink on their shirt like that. After we got married things got MUCH worse especially after we had kids. He became much more controlling, mean, nasty, put me down, I could never do anything right ever! Like you I was a very securely attached person when we were dating. During our marriage I became suicidal and ended up in the hospital a few times, I was that far gone. He blamed me for this of course and said I was a horrible mother for worrying my kids! I was so stupid and believed anything he said. It's like he had me brainwashed to believe anything he said about me. He turned my immediate family against me, my best friends in world he sabotaged. Then my Epilepsy got worse and my seizures increased and I lost my driver's license. He complained about having to drive me anywhere and said I should be super independent no matter what. My weight dropped and he complained about that. Then I gained weight, he complained about that. He was never ever satisfied. Finally after 2 yrs back and forth of repeated divorce threats (he would make all these indepth divorce plans, then take it back hrs later and say he was sorry and loved me..it was torture). Then one night I didn't get the boys to bed on HIS schedule and he again said he wanted a divorce because I was a horrible mom..but he didn't take it back. I have spent years in therapy recovering from him. I have to set such strong boundaries, keep his number blocked only email him basically to protect myself. He's a monster. 

My boyfriend at the beginning was not as over the top as I remember my ex husband being..I do remember the "super chill" part but he was really excited to be with me and seemed very interested in being a couple and wanting to spend lots of time together. Our second date lasted like 9 hrs and I remember him saying he didn't want to leave. But he never really pushed for MORE time from me like my ex husband did or try to increase the amount of time we spent together, other then longer dates that just naturally turned into that or phone calls that were just long. He never ASKED for more in other words. If it became more fine, but he never has indicated he has wanted to get more from me really.

 I have asked myself if I am just used to being controlled and when it's not there I look for more from a guy? Because I am just so used to having my mind controlled by someone? I have yet to figure it out. I agree that therapy may be sparking some of the doubt in our current relationships. Bringing up old feelings. I think I need to focus my therapy more on myself instead of talk about my relationship (which I do a lot). Possibly this will help! I want to move back to a more secure attachment again from an anxious one

Edited December 1, 2020 by boymommy

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

1 hour ago, boymommy said:

Hi Pinkwater! Thanks so much for commenting. Your post inspired me to start my own thread because it was literally like reading about what was going on in my own life. So thank you so much for that! 

My ex husband: Oy he is the worst of the worst. A super controlling overt narcissist. Although obviously since I married him I didn't know any of this and when we were dating he didnt outwardly controlling or abusive. It seemed more like he had these really strange OCD type issues that I didn't understand (like once I spilled soda on his shirt accidentally, he shot me a look that could kill and ran upstairs immediately to change his shirt).  You'd think I murdered someone or something..I never saw anyone react to a spilled drink on their shirt like that. After we got married things got MUCH worse especially after we had kids. He became much more controlling, mean, nasty, put me down, I could never do anything right ever! Like you I was a very securely attached person when we were dating. During our marriage I became suicidal and ended up in the hospital a few times, I was that far gone. He blamed me for this of course and said I was a horrible mother for worrying my kids! I was so stupid and believed anything he said. It's like he had me brainwashed to believe anything he said about me. He turned my immediate family against me, my best friends in world he sabotaged. Then my Epilepsy got worse and my seizures increased and I lost my driver's license. He complained about having to drive me anywhere and said I should be super independent no matter what. My weight dropped and he complained about that. Then I gained weight, he complained about that. He was never ever satisfied. Finally after 2 yrs back and forth of repeated divorce threats (he would make all these indepth divorce plans, then take it back hrs later and say he was sorry and loved me..it was torture). Then one night I didn't get the boys to bed on HIS schedule and he again said he wanted a divorce because I was a horrible mom..but he didn't take it back. I have spent years in therapy recovering from him. I have to set such strong boundaries, keep his number blocked only email him basically to protect myself. He's a monster. 

My boyfriend at the beginning was not as over the top as I remember my ex husband being..I do remember the "super chill" part but he was really excited to be with me and seemed very interested in being a couple and wanting to spend lots of time together. Our second date lasted like 9 hrs and I remember him saying he didn't want to leave. But he never really pushed for MORE time from me like my ex husband did or try to increase the amount of time we spent together, other then longer dates that just naturally turned into that or phone calls that were just long. He never ASKED for more in other words. If it became more fine, but he never has indicated he has wanted to get more from me really.

 I have asked myself if I am just used to being controlled and when it's not there I look for more from a guy? Because I am just so used to having my mind controlled by someone? I have yet to figure it out. I agree that therapy may be sparking some of the doubt in our current relationships. Bringing up old feelings. I think I need to focus my therapy more on myself instead of talk about my relationship (which I do a lot). Possibly this will help! I want to move back to a more secure attachment again from an anxious one

First of all, I am SO sorry such horrifying things happened to you with your ex husband. It really stung my heart to think that one  narcissist can do so much harm to a beautiful person. Based on what you said in your reply posts on this thread about your current relationship, it seems like you really did try a lot with your current boyfriend. I didn’t realize that there was so much backstory to it. 

I think first, you should realize that after that kind of marriage, you really deserve better! You deserve to be loved and appreciated. You need someone who understands your past pain and can give you reassurance when you need it and who can pick you up when you’re down. 

It seems like with your current boyfriend you’ve been dealing with the lack of communication for awhile and you have mentioned to him many times that you need more. You tried counseling and you even tried pulling back! And yet it seems like you still are not very happy with how he is treating you and that he is not really changing. He is also saying that he’s not ready for marriage and you feel like you’re in a part time relationship. Is a new marriage what you are looking for? I think you should think of what your ideal partner looks like and instead of trying to make someone fit into that mold, find someone who just IS that ideal.

I think you should be totally honest with your boyfriend that this has been bothering you for a long time and maybe even consider giving him an ultimatum and then don’t bring it up again. Keep some distance and show that you are serious. Don’t be his weekend girlfriend. spend time with other people you love and give attention to yourself and work on healing.

But I totally understand why it may be hard to let go of your current partner. I think victims of abuse like us have self doubt in our judgment of people. Like how do we know this person is not just someone who is less obsessive but actually care about us? Are they only half in and don’t really value us?

What is a HEALTHY and NORMAL amount of attention and contact/communication that is right for us? Those are the questions that are bothering me too right now.

Also, for me I have a different kind of past hurt as well - sort of the opposite of my abusive ex. It was when I was much younger with a guy who was passive aggressive, not very communicative, and stonewalling type. I had asked for more open communication but he kept being withdrawn and later I found out he was a lying drug addict.  That’s why for me, when someone seems like they are holding back or showing too little attention, I immediately think they might be hiding something. And now with the new trauma, if someone shows me too much attention, I think they are going to be abusive!

Which is why I seeked therapy. I believe we need to try to find the balance between watching out for red flags and being cautious but also not being dismissive and projecting our fears and judgment onto others. We also need to work on trusting ourselves more to make the right decision that’s best for us. We deserve to be with people who make us feel good, loved, and adored and who can be understanding and encouraging as we go through our healing process. If we are triggered and feeling anxious, maybe that kind of person is not the right person for us or we’re just not ready to be in a relationship yet and need to do some inner work.

I had a heart to heart with my current boyfriend about my needs and since this is a brand new relationship, I’ve decided to try and give it time to see if he steps up and also for me to try not to let my trauma and anxiety get in the way and see if we can meet halfway. If I continue to feel anxious, I think I’ll know that it isn’t right for me and let it go so that I can free myself from anxiety and continue working on healing.

 

[elaine567]

The problem I see with women who have been abused, is that they are just sooo grateful to have found a man who is not  abusive that they can jettison all their hopes and dreams in order to stay with and keep  a guy who is not abusive but who is actually not compatible.

They can persuade themselves that, they don't need attention, they don't need  holidays, they don't need care, they don't need to be prioritised, they don't need marriage as at least he doesn't shout at or hit her.
Boy Mommy here is selling herself short with this guy IMO.
Yes she has spent ages/years trying to talk to him, to get through to him, but if it was good, he wouldn't need all that work...
He is a grown up, he knows after dating for a while, women usually want to move things forward.
He refuses to do it because frankly he doesn't want to.
At 47 he is happy the way things are. He has had two prior bad relationships, why put himself through that again?
He has not found a woman he wants to marry. If he had he would be trying to lock her down asap.
Not trying to hide her in public...
He has got comfy in a cosy rut and has come up with very understandable excuses to make sure he stays there for the foreseeable.
This is really  no more than a weekend FWB arrangement and if that is all she wanted then fine but...

I guess if he wasn't HSV2 with self imposed, limited options, he would have already broken up with BoyMommy.
BoyMommy can wear herself out trying to make him into the man she really wants, but it is impossible.  

You can lead a horse to water... comes to mind.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered if you really want to marry someone so "laid back"and so against marriage/living together?

It's a tough call because you've invested 3 yrs in this and some parts are good.

Keep in mind when you choose "the opposite of my ex" you're making a rebound fear based decision.

You may finally be seeing that he's just a mediocre fit... and always has been.

[boymommy]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you considered if you really want to marry someone so "laid back"and so against marriage/living together?

It's a tough call because you've invested 3 yrs in this and some parts are good.

Keep in mind when you choose "the opposite of my ex" you're making a rebound fear based decision.

You may finally be seeing that he's just a mediocre fit... and always has been.

I've been asking myself this recently. I like the laid back part of his personality because after having someone up my butt for over a decade about everything under the sun it's nice to have someone whose..well you know..NOT! The freedom feels like I can actually breath finally. I have been trying to process my own issues that I could have with commitment or fears surrounding that. Before I met my boyfriend I kept meeting guys who did not want a relationship...only casual sex. I did a similar thing with them where I tried to convince them to have a relationship. When that failed I gave up and started looking for a guy who stated he wanted a relationship out of the gate. What is confusing for me is my boyfriend's ambivalence. He doesnt' say he doesn't want marriage. He says it's a possibly or its on the table but his actions speak otherwise. Seems like he is conflicted and that does not have to do with me, moreso to do with him. But really it's the same result as the guys I met prior to him who indicated they only wanted a casual relationship. For whatever reason I find men who have committment conflicts or don't want committment..whether that be because I developed an anxious attachment from my trauma so I am attracting more avoidant types to me or what. But I want to flip to a more secure base so I can find someone more secure. 

More recently what I started doing was not getting upset if my boyfriend takes a long time to respond to my text or trying to "figure out" why that is or what he was doing. Just minding my own business. I find that the act of him pulling away from me triggers something inside me to try to chase him (even if it's mentally chasing him by analyzing his actions) so I am trying to focus more on myself in those moments and less on what he is or isn't doing. This seems to be helping and I am feeling more secure with myself. I don't know if I will stay in this relationship but regardless I need to develop a more secure base so that if it doesn't work out or I decide to leave then I can sustain a healthier more committed relationship in the future. I know I don't want someone who is avoidant or has committment issues and really it just comes down to me. I can't keep passing the buck onto the people I date. I am doing the choosing too! 

I know a deserve a healthy committed marriage..but I might have conflicts about my own ability to maintain that after everything I have been through. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by boymommy

[Allupinnit]

I think honestly it just boils down to wanting the same things.  You want to be married and he is fine where he's at.  I think a lot of women settle for whatever the guy is bringing to the table because it's easier than trying to get over the guy and find one who DOES want the same things.  

I definitely do not think of my marriage as "just a piece of paper."  To me it means learning selflessness, commitment, security, and building a life together we otherwise wouldn't have as individuals.  My commitment to stay married is what has gotten me through some rough patches in our r'ship, the incentive to self-reflect on my own shortcomings, and yes of course we enjoy the perks that come along with being married and not just living together.  

I see a lot of people playing house, even where children are involved and I can't help but think it's counterfeit to the real thing.  It's so easy to just walk away, and I think that's a big part of the problem regarding the state of the nuclear family in this day and age (call me old-fashioned).  People don't WANT commitment.

 

[boymommy]

30 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I think honestly it just boils down to wanting the same things.  You want to be married and he is fine where he's at.  I think a lot of women settle for whatever the guy is bringing to the table because it's easier than trying to get over the guy and find one who DOES want the same things.  

 

This is a HUGE issue for me. I hate break ups and feeling miserable getting over a relationship. I know everyone hates break ups but I for one feel like someone died. I have such extreme emotions that I think I'll never feel like myself again. So I compromise and think that staying with a partner who ultimately isn't the right fit is better then putting myself through temporary emotional pain. This is something I am processing and trying to work on too. I do know that given the right scenerio though I WILL get out of a bad situation if needed. It's just usually more spontaneous and not pre-mediated when this happens. When I have broken up with partners in the past its been in the spur of the moment. Because usually I can't plan to knowingly bring all that pain on myself. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by boymommy

[Allupinnit]

@boymommy - I'm the same.  I fall apart and obsess following a breakup.  It totally sucks and I empathize with you.

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

@boymommy - I'm the same.  I fall apart and obsess following a breakup.  It totally sucks and I empathize with you.

Thanks! I actually broke up with my boyfriend last year over the marriage issue. I dont think I talked about that here  yet. It was SUCH a quick break up that it was more like a fight. Spur of the moment. He was given me vague answers like “well maybe in 5 years but not anytime soon..” or “I dont know, maybe someday I will but not sure yet...” After multiple debates I broke up with him when he drove me home. Very unplanned but I just had enough. 
 

We didnt talk for around a day, then I get an email from him (a super long way) saying he is feeling really vulnerable reaching out but he loves me and wants to give me what I want but doesnt know how. He would go to couple’s counseling, individual, ect. I agreed because I was so relieved and love him. In a way things have been better because he is more accountable. But the relationship isnt progressing. Or everytime it progresses then it stalls. Why I dont know..
 

 

 

[Allupinnit]

I'm sure he does love/miss you and doesn't like the thought of your not being in his life anymore.  He probably doesn't want to start over, either.  But yeah, hemming and hawing about maybe perhaps SOMEDAY getting married doesn't sound too promising.  I'm sorry.  

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, boymommy said:

Thanks! I actually broke up with my boyfriend last year over the marriage issue.

 He would go to couple’s counseling, individual, ect.

I am not sure why you insist on changing him. You've known for a long time he doesn't want to marry and you keep hoping he'll have a change of heart. He promised couple's counselling to get back with you but he didn't go at all. You are climbing the wrong three. This man loves you I am sure but if he's given an ultimatum he will bail. 

 

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, boymommy said:

What is confusing for me is my boyfriend's ambivalence. He doesnt' say he doesn't want marriage. He says it's a possibly or its on the table but his actions speak otherwise. 

@boymommy, when in doubt about what someone wants, always go with his/her actions.

21 hours ago, boymommy said:

During our marriage I became suicidal and ended up in the hospital a few times, I was that far gone. He blamed me for this of course and said I was a horrible mother for worrying my kids! I was so stupid and believed anything he said. It's like he had me brainwashed to believe anything he said about me. He turned my immediate family against me, my best friends in world he sabotaged. Then my Epilepsy got worse and my seizures increased and I lost my driver's license. He complained about having to drive me anywhere and said I should be super independent no matter what. My weight dropped and he complained about that. Then I gained weight, he complained about that. He was never ever satisfied. 

Damn. I'm sorry you went through this. And I'm glad you managed to get out. When I read this post, I found myself wondering what role the abuse may have played in the worsening of your seizures. Have you been able to repair your relationships with your immediate family and friends? 

[boymommy]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am not sure why you insist on changing him. You've known for a long time he doesn't want to marry and you keep hoping he'll have a change of heart. He promised couple's counselling to get back with you but he didn't go at all. You are climbing the wrong three. This man loves you I am sure but if he's given an ultimatum he will bail. 

 

Yes. I keep hoping he'll have a change of heart that's true. In my mind its not about me changing him..I just feel sad for being in this situation. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, boymommy said:

Yes. I keep hoping he'll have a change of heart that's true. In my mind its not about me changing him..I just feel sad for being in this situation. 

But as a therapist you know better than that. He is 10 years older than you. We don't change our minds when we're in our late 40s like he is. You are younger and still at the age of dreaming of marriage and happy ever after. You have a difference of values toward marriage, but you also are not at the same place in your respective lives. 

[boymommy]

13 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

@boymommy, when in doubt about what someone wants, always go with his/her actions.

Damn. I'm sorry you went through this. And I'm glad you managed to get out. When I read this post, I found myself wondering what role the abuse may have played in the worsening of your seizures. Have you been able to repair your relationships with your immediate family and friends? 

Yes, I understand this. I am upset/frustrated at the actions I will have to take next to have a healthy relationship/marriage. And yes, thankfully I have repaired all relationships with family and friends since my divorce. The best friend that I lost though, while we patched things up and got closure...we are more acquaintances now and don't really talk that much. Just to say "hi" every now and then. It will never ever be like it was. Which is so sad. But all my other friends and family I am great with! 

[boymommy]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But as a therapist you know better than that. He is 10 years older than you. We don't change our minds when we're in our late 40s like he is. You are younger and still at the age of dreaming of marriage and happy ever after. You have a difference of values toward marriage, but you also are not at the same place in your respective lives. 

Well he probably shouldn't have wanted to get back together then if that was the case I suppose. I'm not sure why did. People have used this therapist line on me before..I always say "if you were a therapist you'd know that there is a reason why doctor's don't practice medicine on themselves. It doesn't work very well!" It's a lot easier to see into someone else's life then it is to your own and apply your own skills to it. The picture is often a lot clearer. I am too bias in my own judgement because my emotions get in the way. So none of this applies frankly. If it was that easy to walk away (again) then I'd be doing it. Doesn't mean I won't because obviously I am perfectly capable of it. But I guess I need to be in that spur of the moment right place, right time. That hasn't happened yet. 

[Gaeta]

I 100% understand the difficulties to walk away from a man you love. 

Love is also compromise and I don't see you willing to meet him half way. How could you 2 meet in the middle? What is the primary reason you want to get married? Is it the financial protection? Being recognized legally in case of death? 

[boymommy]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I 100% understand the difficulties to walk away from a man you love. 

Love is also compromise and I don't see you willing to meet him half way. How could you 2 meet in the middle? What is the primary reason you want to get married? Is it the financial protection? Being recognized legally in case of death? 

I actually thought I did meet him halfway by buying a house. Before I bought the house I basically made it clear I was doing it as a way to give greater stability to my kids and ease up the pressure on him about marriage. Before we broke up we had talked about my marriage timeline and me moving to him but he was all over the place in those talks. It was so confusing. I didnt want to marry someone so ambivalent. 
 

I thought buying a house was a compromise because it would give him more time like he wanted. But he told me he was sad because he thought we were going to move there and we had talked about marriage. He had even asked his son how he felt. Again conflicting statements! 

Staying or living with someone unmarried is something I wont do as a compromise. No way! I want to get married not for legal or financial reasons but more for companionship and a deeper committment. A partner to go through life with. Some may not need marriage for that..thats fine for them. I do!!!

Edited December 2, 2020 by boymommy

[Gaeta]

The title of your thread is communication difficulties then as we read this thread we find your boyfriend *does communicate* with you, you just don't accept what he's saying. You put your hands on your ears and sing lalalalalala I want marriage.lalalala I want marriage. And that pushes him away. If you continue you will lose him so you might as well end it now and search for someone with the same values as you. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by Gaeta

[boymommy]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The title of your thread is communication difficulties then as we read this thread we find your boyfriend *does communicate* with you, you just don't accept what he's saying. You put your hands on your ears and sing lalalalalala I want marriage.lalalala I want marriage. And that pushes him away. If you continue you will lose him so you might as well end it now and search for someone with the same values as you. 

Well historically he has stonewalled when trying to have any serious discussion and HECK NO I don’t like what he is saying. He asked me on our first date if I wanted to get remarried. Obviously he wanted to know up front. Its just as much his responsiblity for pursuing a relationship with a woman wanting remarriage. I mean what did he think would happen? I’d just forget about it or change my mind like you are suggesting? Thats crap

All this you wrote above is carbon copy what he said. Only people against marriage think this way. People who think its a piece of paper or that marriage destroys relationship. No people do that. Its easier to blame a piece of paper then take responsiblity for something

I’m not pushing him away like you suggested. He was never all in to begin with. Huge difference

Edited December 2, 2020 by boymommy

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, boymommy said:

All this you wrote above is carbon copy what he said. Only people against marriage think this way. People who think its a piece of paper or that marriage destroys relationship. No people do that. Its easier to blame a piece of paper then take responsiblity for something

You don't know what I think of marriage,  I don't see the point of marrying because I come from a culture that don't marry and still we remain together a life time, have kids, acquire assets, retire together and get burried in the same lot. Where I am from if we marry it's actually against the law to take our husband's name. My mother  (73) does not have my father's name and it's normal to us. So, my view on marriage has nothing to do with your bf's bitter view of marriage.