Communication difficulties

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, boymommy said:

 The driving issue is tough you see I have Epilepsy with uncontrolled seizures. It's not safe for me to drive. 

Oh boymommy, I'm so sorry!  ((HUGS)).  And thank you for sharing.    

Given this new info, I can understand why, when you find a man who is able to accept this and take on the risk (which is huge), along with other limitations (not being able to drive), you are reluctant to let him go. 

I have new advice.  Give it more time. Hold back on the "talks" for now and enjoy.  Research finding ways to get yourself to his, like what Gaeta suggested earlier, it's not fair that he should do all the driving. 

It's not black and white.  It took my brother 10 years to marry his now wife and they are extremely happy!  Have always been hapoy actually.  

Follow your own intuition and do what's best and right for you.  xoxo

 

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Anything is possible.   But having watched a legal program, ironically just last night, tracking the behavior of a true narcissist, I'm not quite seeing it.  Course I'm only hearing what boymommy is choosing to share, she may know more pointing to that diagnosis.

What I see is a guy who is set in ways, enjoys his lifestyle and at least for now prefers the status quo. 

Combined with boymommy's vocally expressing her desire for more (which is OK especially after 3 years), which may to HIM, feel like pushing, he is pushing back resulting in some rather hurtful behavior towards boymommy.  Stonewalling etc, which may feel like narcissism but isn't.

Re fear of committing to the wrong person, everyone I know, including myself, has a fear of committing to the wrong person, it's a natural fear!  

But that fear does not prevent most people, emotionally healthy people without a ton of other fears, from committing.  

It's when that fear actually prevents someone from committing, finding lame excuses not to commit, extreme push/pull and other unhealthy behaviors, when it becomes an "issue." 

Sometines the "right" person can turn into the "wrong" person as time progresses.  And you break up.  But that doesn't necessarily mean you chose the "wrong" person.  

They were right, then wrong.  That's all.  JMO.

 

 

I agree with you. Not sure he is a narcissist but rather he displays “narcissist-like” tendencies or behavior that looks similar. 

I actually tried backing off (from last year when he said he wasnt ready for marriage) and tried just going with the flow as to not put any pressure on him. Not a whole lot changed in the whole year and in fact I figured out he had started giving me less! Not what I expected. Thats when I tried talking to him again and its been clear his opinion on things hasnt changed..although a tad less wishy washy and vague. But still no clear cut answers on what he wants. 

[boymommy]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh boymommy, I'm so sorry!  ((HUGS)).  And thank you for sharing.    

Given this new info, I can understand why, when you find a man who is able to accept this and take on the risk (which is huge), along with other limitations (not being able to drive), you are reluctant to let him go. 

I have new advice.  Give it more time. Hold back on the "talks" for now and enjoy.  Research finding ways to get yourself to his, like what Gaeta suggested earlier, it's not fair that he should do all the driving. 

It's not black and white.  It took my brother 10 years to marry his now wife and they are extremely happy!  Have always been hapoy actually.  

Follow your own intuition and do what's best and right for you.  xoxo

 

 

I totally get this. I think my challenge is I have an issue with continuing to invest myself in a relationship with little info from the other person that they are going to commit in the end. Obviously there are no guarantees but talking about it would indicate the person has a vested interest in a future. Avoiding those talks sends a strong message its not what he wants. 

So I feel terribly uncomfortable continuing to invest without knowing if we are on the same page so to speak. Because look what happened..I just invested another year in him and nothing changed. Imagine 3,4,5 more years. I obviously think there is more to a relationship THEN just marriage...a man isnt just a ring and marriage certificate. But I probably look at everything as an investment of risk vs reward. Because marriage is a dealbreaker so what relationship investment has the best chance of being rewarding. 

[poppyfields]

I understand.  A lot to think about.   

Bottom line, if the relationship provides comfort and joy, and enhances your life - stay.

If it provides discomfort, anxiety, unhappiness - leave. 

Weigh those two things.  Which one wins?  

Again, do what is best and right for you!   Be happy boymommy.  You have one life, no sense spending it with a man who causes this much angst.  But your call on that.  

[Gaeta]

On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you need a marriage? 

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you need a marriage? 

10...but to clarify thats more while actually in a relationship. If I am single I usually feel very independent and great. For whatever reason I am more traditional and feel that you date to find a husband. How can you find out if this person is someone you are compatible for marriage with if they operate on a more “moment to moment” mentality and refuse to discuss any marriage related issues? My boyfriend’s slant is “l probably wont ever talk about marriage until I would propose.” 

This was also my ex husband’s..he refused to talk about anything marriage related until after we were married really! Thats a huge problem obviously and why I think I have an issue with my boyfriend doing it. How do you know unless you talk about it beforehand. Just hope you get lucky and you are compatible? Lol

[Gaeta]

I remember asking you in one of your previous thread what marriage will bring you? It will not protect you against cheating, abuse or abandonnement. You've been married before you know it won't make a man commit more. You had a wedding already it's not like it's taking away your little girl's dream of walking in a church dressed in white. And lastly marriage is not a proof of love. If it's legal protection you need then a visit to a notary will solve his fear of losing his assets. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, boymommy said:

10...

I think I would bet a sizeable sum on this guy not wanting to marry you.
He doesn't want to move home, he is not showing you off as his gf, he doesn't want to discuss anything future orientated and he is on the slow fade.
I think what you have at the moment is as good as it gets with this guy...
if anyone is stringing anyone along, it is you stringing yourself along...
Sorry to say.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I remember asking you in one of your previous thread what marriage will bring you? It will not protect you against cheating, abuse or abandonnement. You've been married before you know it won't make a man commit more. You had a wedding already it's not like it's taking away your little girl's dream of walking in a church dressed in white. And lastly marriage is not a proof of love. If it's legal protection you need then a visit to a notary will solve his fear of losing his assets. 

All these things are true BUT on the other side and never in a zillion years would I have believed I'd be saying this (even during my two prior engagements), there are benefits to marriage at least from my perspective.

Tax benefits 

Healthcare benefits 

Making healthcare decisions for your spouse if/when they cannot.

Becoming a family!  I'll be taking my fiance's last name so he will literally be my family.  

Just to name a few.  

So @boymommyI understand the need. Never thought I would but do now.

I guess what you need to do is determine if your boyfriend is simply a really slow mover, or if there's a fear, or a general lack of desire or something else.  

Talk to him.  Create a safe emotional environment for him to open up to you.   Get to the bottom of his thinking and behaviour and respond accordingly.  Don't accept BS lame responses.  Truth!  

If it means ending the relationship, so be.

Good luck and keep us posted!  

 

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Talk to him.  Create a safe emotional environment for him to open up to you.   Get to the bottom of his thinking and behaviour and respond accordingly.  Don't accept BS lame responses.  Truth!  

If it means ending the relationship, so be.

Bolded - what I mean by that is let him know that no matter what his feelings, you would never judge, shame or punish. 

If me, I would straight out ask him if he has a fear of marriage, or a fear of commitment and if so, why?  What does he fear?  Talk about it!  

OR, if it's a lack of desire -  for marriage in general or marriage with you.  Be brave and don't be afraid to find this out, it's important.

No accusations, you are simply asking the questions. Knowledge is power.  Again do not accept lame BS answers, remain strong. 

I have never understood why some people are so afraid to ask the hard questions.  Communicate about such important topics like marriage, future, infidelity, monogamy etc.

Communicating about such things builds intimacy and trust. Which I'm sorry to say @boymommy seems to be lacking in your relationship with this man. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

boymommy it sounds like you are in a one-sided relationship with your boyfriend of 3 years. His interest level has waned and he sabotaged couples therapy citing gender as the reason (which was just an 'excuse' he used to avoid being held responsible for his non-commitment to you and the relationship). I don't know why you want to continue to throw away your time and energy at someone who is still long distance, whose interest in your has wanted (he doesn't tell you he loves you, he denies you are his girlfriend of 3 years while out in public together).

What good does this connection bring to you exactly?

[Acacia98]

On 11/28/2020 at 2:28 PM, boymommy said:

Thank you! I'm sure he sees it which is why he is remaining in a relationship with someone who can't drive despite the distance. The driving issue is tough you see I have Epilepsy with uncontrolled seizures. It's not safe for me to drive. I had a period of control when I was younger and I used to drive but 4 years ago the state revoked my driver's license when my seizures got too bad. You have to go a period of 6 months seizure free in my state and I obviously cant' do that. I can't go more than a week usually. Doctor's have tried med adjustments and everything. I guess something changed after my sons were born. I have to wait for advances in medical technology at this point. The loss of my license is what contributed to my divorce. My ex husband hated me being dependent on him for driving as well. 

I'm sorry @boymommy. You have a lot to deal with. I hope you have loving and understanding friends and family around you. If you do, I am glad for you. If there are also support groups in the area that you can link up with, that would be great.

Some people really aren't wired to be supportive of others in the long-term. It's unfortunate to have to find out when you're vulnerable and need their help/support. 

The driving thing: there really are guys out there who wouldn't make a big deal about it. A reasonable guy would be glad to do it when he could. And when it was inconvenient or downright impossible, he would be happy to help you set up safe alternative transportation arrangements. For the right guy, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. It would be a challenge that you needed to put your heads together to solve. And he wouldn't make you feel bad about needing to lean on him. Presumably, there would be other times when he needed your help or support and you would give it to him without reservation. In a reciprocal relationship, that's how it works out. 

My concern is far bigger than the driving issue, though: Driving is not the most difficult thing one will ever have to do for someone in a loving relationship. So if someone's balking at driving you from point A to point B, what happens if you have a series of seizures when visiting him? What happens if you suffer bereavement? What happens if you are pregnant with his child? What happens if you lose your job? Even if you didn't get seizures, even if you were able to drive, there would still be some way in which you were vulnerable. You would eventually find yourself in a situation where you would need to lean on the guy. The same would be true for the guy: one day he'd need to lean on you.

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

The same would be true for the guy: one day he'd need to lean on you.

Maybe that is one of his real concerns as regards future commitment. 
Should he need it, he will not probably be able to lean on Boymommy, in the same way he could lean on an able bodied, healthier, fitter person.
 

[Miss Spider]

That’s a hurtful thing to suggest. I’m sure boymommy has a lot of support to offer in a relationship. No one knows why he won’t commit, but if he thinks anything like that, it’s no big loss 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

Hi guys..I'm slow to respond with the holidays and all! Thank you for taking the time to help with this. It's very stressful indeed. All these great responses I will try to sum up what I can here. 

As far as a fear of dependency..I really don't know if that's in his realm of issues but it could be. He suffered childhood abuse and as a result became a very independent man and basically feels like he only has himself to rely on. He pushes people away who try to get close to him (mainly in a relationship) but this being said he has pushed himself out of his comfort zone and tried to rely on me to do things for him despite this being difficult. He asks me to schedule things for his house (like I make arrangements for home repairs and do the research on this) and things like that. He told me the times he has committed himself to a relationship in the past he's gotten burned so he has a complex that commitment could be a problem. He ex gf who gave him HSV-2 20 yrs ago pushed him into living together..then cheated on him and he contracted it from her. His ex wife gave him an ultimatum to get married. She was emotionally abusive, demanding, rude, arrogant, and tried to control the amount of time he spent with his son. He ended up divorcing her. So I think he has this idea that commitment is bad..but in reality I think he commits to the wrong people when they push him into it (against his better judgement) and then it crashes and burns and he's left feeling deflated. I don't want to push him into a comittment BUT dislike the idea of feeling strung along with wishy washy answers too. This is my conflict.

I suspect he may be a slow mover due to the fact that he is introverted. I myself am more of a medium mover in a relationship. Not fast, not slow. I think a good point to talk/think about engagement is around 2-3 yrs but moreso around 3 yrs. Obviously I started thinking about it last year but I am more ready this year to really think about it. But he seems to have a different pace. It's weird because he is not saying yes or not per say, just that 3 years from now when his son is in college he feels like if we are together then why not get married? Basically his slant is that the longer we are together the greatest chance of that happening. This was a more recent conversation that we had. He told me he feels stressed because I dont seem to like his answers. This is true but I guess I am insecure or a little confused as to how anyone can't know what they want with someone after 3 yrs together. That blows my mind. 

I stay in this relationship because quite honestly I don't want to throw in the towel too soon if in fact he's just an introvert and needs to move slower in relationship and didn't in fact lose interest but it's all my questions and "faster pacing" that is adding pressure and tension to him and essentially making him pull away from me. Not blaming myself but I just figure that perhaps there is a way to remedy this and work through it because I do see glimpses of the man I fell in love with when I back off and let him be. These times are wonderful and amazing. So perhaps the dynamic can be worked through?

Edited November 29, 2020 by boymommy

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe that is one of his real concerns as regards future commitment. 
Should he need it, he will not probably be able to lean on Boymommy, in the same way he could lean on an able bodied, healthier, fitter person.
 

Of course he could lean on me. I don't think this is the issue, and he has said this is the case (that I can do everything he can except drive).  Despite having Epilepsy and uncontrolled seizures the only thing this impairs is driving. I can do pretty much everything anyone else can do. I work out regularly, mow my own lawn (not a riding mower though), do my own housework, ect. I can do anything he can do, except drive. My seizures actually aren't the type where you would fall down, they are more like absense seizures where you just stare off into space. But it effects driving because obviously you can't be unaware of what you are doing while driving a car. I lost my license because I actually had a car accident while having a seizure and told the cop I had Epilepsy. My kids were in the backseat too but thankfully it was a fender bender and nobody was hurt. I basically just can't operate anything that has its own motor. Like I can ride a bike because I have the ability to control that if I have a seizure. But if it has it's own motor I cant stop it if I am having a seizure. 

Edited November 29, 2020 by boymommy

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, boymommy said:

I stay in this relationship because quite honestly I don't want to throw in the towel too soon if in fact he's just an introvert and needs to move slower in relationship and didn't in fact lose interest but it's all my questions and "faster pacing" that is adding pressure and tension to him and essentially making him pull away from me. Not blaming myself but I just figure that perhaps there is a way to remedy this and work through it because I do see glimpses of the man I fell in love with when I back off and let him be. These times are wonderful and amazing. So perhaps the dynamic can be worked through?

I guess the question you could ask yourself is how long you are willing to wait and see. One more year? Three years? Once you've answered that question, you do just that. You wait and see. And you have to take full responsibility for making that choice. He's not the one forcing you to hang around. It's you choosing to do so.

If, at the end of that time, he wants to get married/move in together, congratulations. And if he's still ambivalent, you move on.

[boymommy]

44 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I guess the question you could ask yourself is how long you are willing to wait and see. One more year? Three years? Once you've answered that question, you do just that. You wait and see. And you have to take full responsibility for making that choice. He's not the one forcing you to hang around. It's you choosing to do so.

If, at the end of that time, he wants to get married/move in together, congratulations. And if he's still ambivalent, you move on.

Thank you. This is probably where I am at. Trying to figure out how much more time to invest without feeling like an idiot if he continues to drag his feet about committing. I was thinking in my head earlier today that I may invest 6 more months and if he is not at least TALKING about marriage or initiating those conversations himself then I think I should consider moving on. Or at the very least he has to be talking about an end game (like moving to me and be initiating those conversations). Since he was the one to initiate convos of that nature in the beginning (or first year) of our relationship and was very up front about our relationship, I would think he would want to do it again if that's what he wants. 

I think it will just get to the point where I keep investing and the pace may be too slow and then it may be harder to walk away the longer I spend (heck it already is!) That is what is concerning.

[Timshel]

Boymommy, you are in the field of psychology, correct? I thought I read one of your posts that you are a therapist, perhaps I am not correct. Whenever the words narcissist, commitment phobe, introvert...etc start getting thrown about in an attempt to explain/diminish what is essentially unacceptable behavior within a relationship...

You seem to have both feet on the ground and there isn't anything unusual with an otherwise objective person being blinded by being too close.

The answer will become apparent; in the meantime, best wishes, we are officially in the holiday season with quite a bit on every person's plate.  Best to you and your family.

[boymommy]

2 hours ago, Timshel said:

Boymommy, you are in the field of psychology, correct? I thought I read one of your posts that you are a therapist, perhaps I am not correct. Whenever the words narcissist, commitment phobe, introvert...etc start getting thrown about in an attempt to explain/diminish what is essentially unacceptable behavior within a relationship...

You seem to have both feet on the ground and there isn't anything unusual with an otherwise objective person being blinded by being too close.

The answer will become apparent; in the meantime, best wishes, we are officially in the holiday season with quite a bit on every person's plate.  Best to you and your family.

Yes I am a therapist. I actually know he is introverted but I did not label him as narcissistic, or commitment phobic, just to clarify. But I also don't think being more of an introverted personality is an excuse for unacceptable behavior either...

We have been talking a lot and are making progress. I don't think I'll ever be someone who is quick to walk away from someone in a relationship, even during tougher times. But that doesn't mean I don't have the capability of walking away if need be. I have done it before and would do it again. I do have my limits. 

Thank you all very much for the advice, it has been quite helpful and very eye opening to get this all out in the open. I thank everyone for taking the time to post. I think if I am meant to stay in this relationship we will work things out and do it together. If I am not then that's the path I will take. But I do have faith that whatever happens it will be a healthy decision for myself. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by boymommy

[Gaeta]

I think if you remove marriage out of the equation he will bounce back. 

I would drop the marriage if it meant the man l love returns to me. It's him that will keep you warm and loved, not the marriage certificate.

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I think if you remove marriage out of the equation he will bounce back. 

I would drop the marriage if it meant the man l love returns to me. It's him that will keep you warm and loved, not the marriage certificate.

I understand what you are saying. I don't feel like I could take marriage out of the equation because I deserve marriage AND a man who loves me. Never will I believe I have to sacrifice one for the other and I can't have one without the other. I will never stop believing in the institution of marriage. I believe I WILL find both marriage and a man who loves me and not have to settle. 

Besides the do not think the issue is marriage..it's something within him. Really nothing to do with marriage or with me. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by boymommy

[Allupinnit]

I firmly believe in marriage as well.  Never again will I live with a man unmarried nor will I spend years in a relationship that isn't progressing.

I lived with a man for three years before he proposed and he broke up with me three months before the wedding for someone else.  He was married to her and expecting a baby within a year.  Wasted my childbearing years on that relationship.  

Now I'm happily married and the things we're able to do and build together is incredible.  

[boymommy]

6 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I firmly believe in marriage as well.  Never again will I live with a man unmarried nor will I spend years in a relationship that isn't progressing.

I lived with a man for three years before he proposed and he broke up with me three months before the wedding for someone else.  He was married to her and expecting a baby within a year.  Wasted my childbearing years on that relationship.  

Now I'm happily married and the things we're able to do and build together is incredible.  

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I probably have the same fear. Not childbearing because I already have my kids, but I am still young enough (37) that I kind of want to have a family again while I am still young and my kids are still young. So I think ultimately I won't be afraid to walk away if the result of the talks we have been having do not yield any progress because I do value myself and know I deserve love and marriage again. What's said is that it just may not be with my boyfriend. 

I'm glad you found love and marriage again! Good for you and thanks for sharing. Very helpful

[elaine567]

How old is he?