Communication difficulties

[elaine567]

Seems to me he had a nice life out in the sticks, but maybe got a bit lonely so wanted a woman to fit into what he wanted.
Boy Mommy, long distance, busy mum and disabled, fitted the job.
She can't drive so he went to get her when he wanted at the weekend. Nice little arrangement, BUT then BoyMommy started getting more serious.
No way he wants to move into town, no way he wants to live with someone, no way does he want to ramp it all up, maybe no way he wants a  LT gf if he was  honest...
So he shuts down a bit, refuses to discuss, applies the brakes..., denies the existence of BoyMommy as it was never serious in his eyes...
I am not sure if he is a commitmentphobe or not, he may just be a guy set in his ways in a relationship he never really saw had any future...

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me he had a nice life out in the sticks, but maybe got a bit lonely so wanted a woman to fit into what he wanted.
Boy Mommy, long distance, busy mum and disabled, fitted the job.
She can't drive so he went to get her when he wanted at the weekend. Nice little arrangement, BUT then BoyMommy started getting more serious.
No way he wants to move into town, no way he wants to live with someone, no way does he want to ramp it all up, maybe no way he wants a  LT gf if he was  honest...
So he shuts down a bit, refuses to discuss, applies the brakes..., denies the existence of BoyMommy as it was never serious in his eyes...
I am not sure if he is a commitmentphobe or not, he may just be a guy set in his ways in a relationship he never really saw had any future...

This^^ makes very good sense imo too. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Yep. It sounds like the most likely scenario. I don’t jump to commitmentphobia as the most likely cause. I’ve seen too many women hang around hang in and try to work through a guys “fears” of committing, when really all it took was another woman or situation that they were into for it to work. And also men who have tried to work me through my “fears”.  No, I’m not fearful. I’m cautious.I am not saying there are not true commitmentphobes. I just think people more often have a fear of committing to the wrong thing/situation which is completely rational and in our nature to make the decisions that make the most sense in our lives. And it doesn’t make sense for boymommy to commit to someone giving her marginal effort/communication.  I don’t think you guys can work this one out, boymommy..I am really sorry. Sometimes relationships just reach an end point. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

It's all speculation, different possibilities.

Bottom line, guy doesn't wish to commit.  Whether it's a fear, phobia or lack of desire, does not matter. 

All that's important is he does not want to commit, that's all the information boymommy needs to know.  

Good luck bmommy with whatever decision you choose to make.  xo

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

May I ask how you met?  Was it on line, a dating app?  If so, did he reach out first knowing you live a distance away?  When did you tell him about your disability?

The women he had short term relationships with, were they local?

Apologies for all the questions!  Just trying to gain some insight. 

With commitment fears, please know there is nothing you can do.

In fact, the harder you try to fix or accommodate or try to work out, the greater the fear and the further he will distance.  

I am very familiar with commitment fears.  Read books, articles, studies.  It's something I have struggled with (NOT this severe) and something one of my older brothers still struggles with (more severe).

Edit:  Two weeks not contacting you while IN the relationship would be a dealbreaker for most people.  Not acceptable BM.  

You give such awesome advice to others, I'm curious why you did (accepted two weeks NC).

Gawd, you deserve SO much better.  

An online dating site for people who have HSV-2 (which is actually hard for me to say here but probably important info as to why we ended up in a LDR). You see the people on that site are few and far between to begin with..given we live in a small area in our state there are even less people in our towns. Yes he reached out first. He met people previously on the site who lived further away from me..the difference was they could drive and I can't. I told him about my disability when he came to my town for our first date. I had told people in the past prior to the first date (about my disability) and they cancelled the date..so basically I got the idea that telling people prior to meeting me scared them off and I needed to tell them in person. So I started telling people on first date. 

To clear up confusion, I think you may have misunderstood an earlier post. We never went 2 weeks NC and I would never accept that in any relationship hands down. We talk every day it's just a different mode of communication then it used to be. The first 2 years of our relationship we used to keep in contact via text, phone calls, email. Now he never calls and I never talk to him on the phone unless I call him. But he texts me everyday and sometimes emails. But daily we keep in contact via text and never go a day without doing that. However he is a bad texter and I initiate most of the text conversations and keep them going. He at times initiates but I do more. If I try to talk to him about this he argues and asks why it matters who texts whom. I see that point but it never USED to matter, HE used to WANT to talk to me without it feeling like pulling teeth. That's the main difference now. 

The fact that we both have HSV has a lot to do with us both hanging on to this relationship I'm sure. We have less options for dating. He has had it for 20 years, I contracted it right before I met him. I don't know what it would be like dating someone without it but he said he hated it and would never date anyone without it again. I never want another LDR ever again but fear going back on that site and not being able to find anyone local. Do you see my conflict here? 

Edited November 28, 2020 by boymommy

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me he had a nice life out in the sticks, but maybe got a bit lonely so wanted a woman to fit into what he wanted.
Boy Mommy, long distance, busy mum and disabled, fitted the job.
She can't drive so he went to get her when he wanted at the weekend. Nice little arrangement, BUT then BoyMommy started getting more serious.
No way he wants to move into town, no way he wants to live with someone, no way does he want to ramp it all up, maybe no way he wants a  LT gf if he was  honest...
So he shuts down a bit, refuses to discuss, applies the brakes..., denies the existence of BoyMommy as it was never serious in his eyes...
I am not sure if he is a commitmentphobe or not, he may just be a guy set in his ways in a relationship he never really saw had any future...

I don't know..when we first met he said he was looking for a LTR. He actually asked ME about marriage on the first date. I was quite surprised. I don't think he is a commitphobe..if anything he is cautious and has a fear of committing to the wrong person. I may not be the right person he wants to commit too but due to the fact that we both have less options for dating due to HSV he is trying to make it work until he can decide if I would be the right person. So in essense, yes he is biding his time or stringing me along a bit until he can figure out what he wants. Writing all this out and given all the wonderful well thought out responses it is his own indecision thats causing the miscommunication issues between us? Maybe

Edited November 28, 2020 by boymommy

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yep. It sounds like the most likely scenario. I don’t jump to commitmentphobia as the most likely cause. I’ve seen too many women hang around hang in and try to work through a guys “fears” of committing, when really all it took was another woman or situation that they were into for it to work. And also men who have tried to work me through my “fears”.  No, I’m not fearful. I’m cautious.I am not saying there are not true commitmentphobes. I just think people more often have a fear of committing to the wrong thing/situation which is completely rational and in our nature to make the decisions that make the most sense in our lives. And it doesn’t make sense for boymommy to commit to someone giving her marginal effort/communication.  I don’t think you guys can work this one out, boymommy..I am really sorry. Sometimes relationships just reach an end point. 

I agree with you. Heck I have a fear of committing to the wrong person too! Look who I married. Yikes. I am sure he's got the same fears in his head. I have a lot to take on given my disability and my young (er) kids when his are older. I totally get that! I guess what I keep going back to is that he knew all this when we met and he STILL forged ahead. It got to be too much over time perhaps? I honestly have no clue. I know it's been harder to maintain any kind of relationship with anyone (friendships or otherwise) since I lost my driver's license because most people just don't want a very one sided type relationship. I can be as independent as possible obviously but nothing is going to replace the freedom to get in the car when you want. It requires a certain type of person who is very kind, generous. and selfless to be friends with/date someone who permanently cant drive. Most people are not like that. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by boymommy

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have a close friend who married someone with HSV-2. She doesn't have it, he does. I kind of think there are plenty of people out there in R's who have it and their partner doesn't. But, who knows?

I don't think I'd take the treatment he's giving you whether I had HSV or not. I'd rather be single than to be treated like that.

I do think in the distant past there was a time when I'd be where you are, though, in that I believe you're processing leaving him. It would take me time and processing through discussion to break the R off, I believe, just as it seems it's taking you time and processing to do so.

Edited November 28, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, boymommy said:

He used to call every day we weren't together. Then it was 3 times a week. Then two. Then once. Then it would be every other week he'd call. Then nothing at all. It's like sort of a slow fade out of the phone calls. I questioned him and he had a mirad of excuses (limited phone plan, no web cam capability, ect) 

Thanks for sharing more info boymommy, it's often difficult sharing sensitive issues with strangers, but absolutely no judgment from me and I'm sure others. ((Hugs)).

I recently started doing so myself; I'm typically so guarded so it feels good to share!   I never felt judged by anyone.  

The bolded above is where I got the 2 weeks NC from.  Thnx for clarifying.

I think you shouid do what's right and best for you.  And I can understand how making that drive every weekend can be somewhat burdensome.  

You've got a great head on your shoulders, if this relationship is making you happy then no judgement from me.

Be happy! 

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

11 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I have a close friend who married someone with HSV-2. She doesn't have it, he does. I kind of think there are plenty of people out there in R's who have it and their partner doesn't. But, who knows?

I don't think I'd take the treatment he's giving you whether I had HSV or not. I'd rather be single than to be treated like that.

I do think in the distant past there was a time when I'd be where you are, though, in that I believe you're processing leaving him. It would take me time and processing through discussion to break the R off, I believe, just as it seems it's taking you time and processing to do so.

Thank you. I know there are people who would accept me who did not have it. I have male friends who have dated people with HSV-2 in the past and they never contracted it. They said they would do it again in a heartbeat and never have an issue with it. I also don't have the same insecuries my boyfriend seems to about dating someone without it where he fears giving it to someone or it being held against him. I know it's a common thing nowadays and it doesn't define who I am, similar to my disability. 

I believe I could find the right person who could be accepting of my unique circumstances and you are correct that I am processing leaving the relationship. What makes it harder is that I believe my boyfriend will not leave me, it's basically up to me to leave despite the fact that his disinterest is uneven. Seems unfair to me. If someone doesn't want to be together then they should leave, not pass the buck like that. 

[boymommy]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks for sharing more info boymommy, it's often difficult sharing sensitive issues with strangers, but absolutely no judgment from me and I'm sure others. ((Hugs)).

I just started doing so myself; I'm typically so guarded so it feels good to share!  

The bolded above is where I got the 2 weeks NC from.  Thnx for clarifying.

I think you shouid do what's right and best for you.  And I can understand how making that drive every weekend can seem burdensome.  

You've got a great head on your shoulders, if this relationship is making you happy then no judgement from me.

Be happy! 

Thank you. I can understand his point of view for sure. I have tried to help him as a I said (before I realized he was giving less) but nothing was really successful. I mean it's not that he doesn't make me happy, it's just that a lot of the treatment that I get at times and all these problems that I mentioned are very concerning. As I referenced in your other thread, the fact that I feel like I can't really openly talk to him very well (an issue that was very apparent with my ex husband) is my biggest concern. I hate that so much because I feel like you HAVE to be able to talk to the person you are with in an open and honest way! But he's only happy when I keep things light and breezy and go with the flow and dont express any concerns basically about anything. Essentially just keep the peace. 

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, boymommy said:

 

I believe I could find the right person who could be accepting of my unique circumstances 

Completely agree!!!plenty of them 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Just from reading your posts and responses to other posts, boymommy,  you sound wonderful to me. If you decide to break up with him I believe he's going to have a tough time finding someone as lovely as you are and I pretty much think he must know it. How could he not see it?

Also, I understand what it's like not to be able to drive. I went through a time when I wasn't able to and it was a very difficult road to travel, pun intended. It seemed there was no end in sight but thankfully I got through it and drive wherever I need to go now. During that time, though, I found out a friend who is a very normal lady couldn't drive and also heard of several more from friends who knew of my situation.  The friend who couldn't drive also had her boyfriend take her places. I believe she could drive around town but not on the interstate.

Is there any chance you could overcome your driving issue?

Also, I know an adult who is a dwarf who drives. Not saying that, or anything physical, is your issue just pointing out that there are many driving challenges out there and wondering if yours is something you believe may be able to be dealt with. You don't need to explain and I don't want to be nosy or pushy. Just having had this issue and thinking I was stuck for life with it, then being able to have it solved, was such a victory for me!

 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, boymommy said:

In other words a covert narcissist. I am familiar too although I have mostly been in relationships with more overt types like my ex husband. They basically made it known I was the issue and they weren't real suttle about it. My boyfriend is real sly/suttle about it 

He sure sounds like the folks who operate that way. And the sad thing is, because he's subtle about it, it can take longer to see his behavior for what it is. 

 

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I know me too, but if he HE made first contact (which we don't know yet), he knew this going in. So to change his mind now, just after boymommy broaches the topic of a more serious commitment?

And to stonewall thereafter whenever BM tries to discuss?  

Why not just end it if he thinks the distance is to much? 

Yeah.

[Miss Spider]

Y’all think he is a narcissist? I mean, it is possible……

[Wiseman2]

What, exactly are the topics you want to discuss with him?

It seems more like you are the one who is reticent to discuss anything based on your past. 

Perhaps you are the one programed to not rock the boat.

Do you know what exactly you want to talk about? Have you approached the subject?

If it's about who likes texting,etc, well you've already gone over all of this.

It seems like you have general malaise about the relationship but don't want to let go because it's not bad, but it's not great either.

Make a list of what you want and need and how closely this relationship approximates that.

Do not show it to him as a "this is how you need to change" list, but rather as a tool for reflection if you want to continue.

Edited November 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, boymommy said:

So in essense, yes he is biding his time or stringing me along a bit until he can figure out what he wants. 

I agree, with a sight modification. He has already figured out what he wants. But you're still "useful" to him. So he's not going to end things just yet. But if he meets another woman and he can monkeybranch to a new relationship, he'll probably be gone.

5 hours ago, boymommy said:

What makes it harder is that I believe my boyfriend will not leave me, it's basically up to me to leave despite the fact that his disinterest is uneven. Seems unfair to me. If someone doesn't want to be together then they should leave, not pass the buck like that. 

It's possible that he'd just ghost you and you'd have to figure out that you'd been dumped after some time.

I agree that it's unfair when someone starts playing manipulative games instead of just ending the relationship. But once you figure out that that's what he's doing, it becomes possible for you to take control of the situation and end things. And that's a good thing.

[Acacia98]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Y’all think he is a narcissist? I mean, it is possible……

It's possible. But I prefer to just describe the person's behavior and avoid focusing on the label because the label could be wrong or could trigger resistance in the people concerned.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Y’all think he is a narcissist? 

No. Everyone only becomes a narcissist when they are an ex

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Just from reading your posts and responses to other posts, boymommy,  you sound wonderful to me. If you decide to break up with him I believe he's going to have a tough time finding someone as lovely as you are and I pretty much think he must know it. How could he not see it?

Also, I understand what it's like not to be able to drive. I went through a time when I wasn't able to and it was a very difficult road to travel, pun intended. It seemed there was no end in sight but thankfully I got through it and drive wherever I need to go now. During that time, though, I found out a friend who is a very normal lady couldn't drive and also heard of several more from friends who knew of my situation.  The friend who couldn't drive also had her boyfriend take her places. I believe she could drive around town but not on the interstate.

Is there any chance you could overcome your driving issue?

Also, I know an adult who is a dwarf who drives. Not saying that, or anything physical, is your issue just pointing out that there are many driving challenges out there and wondering if yours is something you believe may be able to be dealt with. You don't need to explain and I don't want to be nosy or pushy. Just having had this issue and thinking I was stuck for life with it, then being able to have it solved, was such a victory for me!

 

Thank you! I'm sure he sees it which is why he is remaining in a relationship with someone who can't drive despite the distance. The driving issue is tough you see I have Epilepsy with uncontrolled seizures. It's not safe for me to drive. I had a period of control when I was younger and I used to drive but 4 years ago the state revoked my driver's license when my seizures got too bad. You have to go a period of 6 months seizure free in my state and I obviously cant' do that. I can't go more than a week usually. Doctor's have tried med adjustments and everything. I guess something changed after my sons were born. I have to wait for advances in medical technology at this point. The loss of my license is what contributed to my divorce. My ex husband hated me being dependent on him for driving as well. 

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, boymommy said:

An online dating site for people who have HSV-2

Big huggss!

I carry hsv-2 as well. I've learn I had it about 8-9 years ago. I have never dated in the hsv-2 pool. I have always used regular websites and dated negative men. It has rarely been a problem for the men I dated. You'd be surprised how it's not viewed as the plague anymore. You have to take antiviral though if you date someone negative. 

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Big huggss!

I carry hsv-2 as well. I've learn I had it about 8-9 years ago. I have never dated in the hsv-2 pool. I have always used regular websites and dated negative men. It has rarely been a problem for the men I dated. You'd be surprised how it's not viewed as the plague anymore. You have to take antiviral though if you date someone negative. 

Aww thank you for sharing this! I actually already take them as maintenance despite my boyfriend already having it. When I first found out I had outbreak on top of outbreak so I went on them to slow them down. It helped a lot. I rarely get them now, maybe like once a year if that! 

[Gaeta]

Nice to hear it's under control. As you age you will probably turn asymptomatic, I am. I take valtrex as a shedding protection for my partner. Early November they published a study about a vaccine that eliminates hsv2 at 90% and eliminates shedding. You may be able to enjoy it in your life time. When it does come out I'll be retired from having sex probably  

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What, exactly are the topics you want to discuss with him?

It seems more like you are the one who is reticent to discuss anything based on your past. 

Perhaps you are the one programed to not rock the boat.

Do you know what exactly you want to talk about? Have you approached the subject?

If it's about who likes texting,etc, well you've already gone over all of this.

It seems like you have general malaise about the relationship but don't want to let go because it's not bad, but it's not great either.

Make a list of what you want and need and how closely this relationship approximates that.

Do not show it to him as a "this is how you need to change" list, but rather as a tool for reflection if you want to continue.

The topics that I like to discuss are probably more serious ones then he likes talk about..although ironically when I am not in a chatty type mood he starts talking to me in a more serious way. Its a curious thing. I suppose we have a push/pull dynamic going on. Ideally though I'd like him to be receptive to me all the time and for us to get out of that type of dynamic. 

I may have a fear of his reactions which is different then a fear of discussions. This is probably due to my past for sure and the abuse from past relationships. I may think I am going to get abused again and his negative reactions probably confirm my worst fears, so to speak. I want to talk about our relationship and the future and just life in general...I think he wants to talk about these things too but just when he feels like talking about it and when it's convient for him. To me thats less of a partership and more of wanting things on his terms which projects a little self serving/selfishness. Like unless it suits his needs at that given time then it doesn't make a difference what I need. 

I agree that the relationship at this point has strong points and we have lots of fun together..but ideally I get to these points where I am ready for something more serious then being a weekend girlfriend to have sex with and spend holidays with and avoid serious/future discussions. I think that's more where I have been at for quite some time. I probably flip back and forth because it's strange being in a serious relationship but having it be more like a fling at the same time and not having it go anywhere. Feelings like high school. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Y’all think he is a narcissist? I mean, it is possible……

Anything is possible.   But having watched a legal program, ironically just last night, tracking the behavior of a true narcissist, I'm not quite seeing it.  Course I'm only hearing what boymommy is choosing to share, she may know more pointing to that diagnosis.

What I see is a guy who is set in ways, enjoys his lifestyle and at least for now prefers the status quo. 

Combined with boymommy's vocally expressing her desire for more (which is OK especially after 3 years), which may to HIM, feel like pushing, he is pushing back resulting in some rather hurtful behavior towards boymommy.  Stonewalling etc, which may feel like narcissism but isn't.

Re fear of committing to the wrong person, everyone I know, including myself, has a fear of committing to the wrong person, it's a natural fear!  

But that fear does not prevent most people, emotionally healthy people without a ton of other fears, from committing.  

It's when that fear actually prevents someone from committing, finding lame excuses not to commit, extreme push/pull and other unhealthy behaviors, when it becomes an "issue." 

Sometines the "right" person can turn into the "wrong" person as time progresses.  And you break up.  But that doesn't necessarily mean you chose the "wrong" person.  

They were right, then wrong.  That's all.  JMO.

 

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields