Communication difficulties

[boymommy]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hello boymommy, I was so disheartened to read this, I'm sorry. 

You've mentioned you have a disability several times on this forum and this thread.  Do you believe that may be a factor in this?  Why he's emotionally distancing or doesn't wish to discuss future?

Or do you believe he may have committment/avoidant issues?  Be aware avoidants and those with commitment fears love long distance relationships, they intentionally seek them out.  

Not saying he does, just things to consider as you sort this out. 

Thank you. I believe his dislikes my disability in the way it makes the relationship more one sided to him and he likes equality. He doesn't like doing all the driving (but early on NEVER was an issue for him). As time went on and the issue of commitment (or a deeper commitment such as marriage/being a stepdad) became more and more of a possibility for him, he started using things he knew I couldn't do anything about (like my driving and my kids) as a way to keep his distance from me and the relationship. That's when I realized he had started giving me less..stopped calling, stopped saying I love you (he does say it back but only if I say it first..he just says he "cares about me") avoided calling me his girlfriend in public when obviously it was appropriate to do so (like he thinks I am obsessed with titles which I am not!) 

So yeah it's indicative of someone with an avoidant attachment style for sure..not my first rodeo with an avoidant 

[boymommy]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Get on one of those online group looking for paying lifts! Take away some of his travelling  burden. Maybe someone travels over that way every weekend and would be glad to take your 10 bucks! They may not drive you to his door but it would be much better for your bf to go pick you up at the local gas station than driving 1h30 twice a weekend.

Thanks. Ubers in our area are not very cost effective unfortunately, I guess because it's a small town. Just to go down the STREET is $7. To get anywhere close to his house would be in the neighborhood of $60-70. I have taken uber once or twice to his house but its just wwwwaaayyy to pricey for me. I do help him out by taking the disability shuttle (which is only $5) but due to my custody schedule and the fact that they operate Monday-Friday during daytime hours I can't usually take it to him unless I don't have my kids. Hence why (unfortunately) he is stuck with most of the responsibility. I help by getting him gas cards and stuff. But it doesn't help with the less driving. 

I actually offered him the opportunity to see each other less so he could drive less but he took that the wrong way and thought I wanted less time with him. Got super insecure and pissy and thought I wanted to break up with him! It was very weird. I explained to him I was trying to help HIM out. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by boymommy

[Miss Spider]

I think it is a problem a lot of LTRs  get into unless  there is an endgame in sight. It’s easy at first to sacrifice a lot when the butterflies are flapping their wings hard and the honeymoon stage is in full effect. But then time wears on, and it and people grow weary. The sacrifices that were once worth it seem almost too much. But I really do believe if the feelings are strong enough on both sides people will make it work. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think it is a problem a lot of LTRs  get into unless  there is an endgame in sight. It’s easy at first to sacrifice a lot when the butterflies are flapping their wings hard and the honeymoon stage is in full effect. But then time wears on, and it and people grow weary. The sacrifices that were once worth it seem almost too much. But I really do believe if the feelings are strong enough on both sides people will make it work. 

Yes I think that's where my head is at. I was in two previous LTR/LDR with a short distance (1.5 hrs apart). One was my ex husband. But it was different because both times we had an endgame in place from the start and knew what the expectations were. But the endgame was a more natural one. Nobody had to uproot their existing life for anyone else. My ex boyfriend transferred from community college to mine and I graduated from grad school and moved home to be with my ex school. Natural progression. This is so different because he's very resistant to formulating any endgame. 

[Gaeta]

Boymommy l was thinking more about the personal ads. There is a section where people travel back and forth and would take 1,2,3 passenger for a few dollars. It's everywhere even more in small town.

[boymommy]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Boymommy l was thinking more about the personal ads. There is a section where people travel back and forth and would take 1,2,3 passenger for a few dollars. It's everywhere even more in small town.

Ohhh okay I misunderstood. I thought you meant like uber/lyft. I will have to look into that! 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, boymommy said:

As time went on and the issue of commitment (or a deeper commitment such as marriage/being a stepdad) became more and more of a possibility for him, he started using things he knew I couldn't do anything about (like my driving and my kids) as a way to keep his distance from me and the relationship. That's when I realized he had started giving me less..stopped calling, stopped saying I love you (he does say it back but only if I say it first..he just says he "cares about me") avoided calling me his girlfriend in public when obviously it was appropriate to do so (like he thinks I am obsessed with titles which I am not!) 

boymommy, this^^ very much suggests serious commitment issues.  Every last word of it.

These are things imo no woman, or person should have to tolerate.  

I certainly would not nor would my response be to twist myself trying to find ways to accommodate him, like finding a uber or seeking people from the internet who drive back and forth.  

He KNEW the deal going in and accepted it until you brought up the topic of commitment, a deeper commitment.

Now, the same things he knew and accepted going in are no longer acceptable. And he's shuts you down, refusing to talk or even listen.  

I do not envision a hapoy ending here BM, I'm so sorry.  

 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

boymommy, please don't take offense to this, not my intention at all.

But your willingness to tolerate such treatment from him, finding ways to accommodate him, make things easier for him, is the type of mindset that gets you or any woman into relationships with men who have the propensity to abuse.  Emotionally, mentally.

I am all for compromise and even accommodating to a certain degree, but not with men who do a 180 when you mention commitment and shut you down when attempting to discuss. Stonewalling.  

That's like rewarding a man for his poor actions.  Not good. He won't respect you.   

You deserve better, you know that right? 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

32 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Thank you. I believe his dislikes my disability in the way it makes the relationship more one sided to him and he likes equality. He doesn't like doing all the driving (but early on NEVER was an issue for him). As time went on and the issue of commitment (or a deeper commitment such as marriage/being a stepdad) became more and more of a possibility for him, he started using things he knew I couldn't do anything about (like my driving and my kids) as a way to keep his distance from me and the relationship. That's when I realized he had started giving me less..stopped calling, stopped saying I love you (he does say it back but only if I say it first..he just says he "cares about me") avoided calling me his girlfriend in public when obviously it was appropriate to do so (like he thinks I am obsessed with titles which I am not!) 

This bit really disturbs me. He knows you have a disability but he resents the fact that you can't do what he does. Excuse the French, but that's pretty f***ed up. Please don't ever put yourself in a position where you are dependent on him. Because with his passive aggressive tendencies, the resentment of your disability could eventually turn into him leaving you stranded somewhere or something equally dangerous.

I think I can help you with the question of whether this is an abusive relationship. Consider these two points: 1. He's managed to convey to you that your having a disability, a fact that you have no control over, makes you not good enough in his eyes. 2. He doesn't like to acknowledge that you're together when you're in public; it's like he's ashamed of you.

As far as I'm concerned, your relationship has already crossed into emotional abuse territory. It's subtle in the sense that it's manipulative (he hurts you deliberately but hides behind excuses that seem to cover it up). But it's very much present.

[Acacia98]

45 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I actually offered him the opportunity to see each other less so he could drive less but he took that the wrong way and thought I wanted less time with him. Got super insecure and pissy and thought I wanted to break up with him! It was very weird. I explained to him I was trying to help HIM out. 

He thinks that you are "less than" him and should be grateful that he's willing to date you. So the possibility that you might want to end things with him is a huge blow to his ego. You're supposed to hang around until he's ready to dump you.

Sorry. But this particular dynamic he's treating you to is one I am very familiar with. So I can't sugarcoat my perspective. Your best bet is to let him pull away. If he communicates less, let him. If he ghosts you, let him. If you try to talk things through with him or to pick up the slack when he stops doing stuff, you will only tie yourself more firmly to him and it'll be harder to let go when he does end things.

[boymommy]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

He thinks that you are "less than" him and should be grateful that he's willing to date you. So the possibility that you might want to end things with him is a huge blow to his ego. You're supposed to hang around until he's ready to dump you.

Sorry. But this particular dynamic he's treating you to is one I am very familiar with. So I can't sugarcoat my perspective. Your best bet is to let him pull away. If he communicates less, let him. If he ghosts you, let him. If you try to talk things through with him or to pick up the slack when he stops doing stuff, you will only tie yourself more firmly to him and it'll be harder to let go when he does end things.

In other words a covert narcissist. I am familiar too although I have mostly been in relationships with more overt types like my ex husband. They basically made it known I was the issue and they weren't real suttle about it. My boyfriend is real sly/suttle about it 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sorry. But this particular dynamic he's treating you to is one I am very familiar with. So I can't sugarcoat my perspective. Your best bet is to let him pull away. If he communicates less, let him. If he ghosts you, let him. If you try to talk things through with him or to pick up the slack when he stops doing stuff, you will only tie yourself more firmly to him and it'll be harder to let go when he does end things.

This^ or you end things now, before he does, or forces you to with even more egregious behavior.

You do not need his permission boymommy.  Love is not enough to keep anyone in a relationship with a partner who treats them this disrespectfully and this poorly.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, boymommy said:

That's when I realized he had started giving me less..stopped calling, stopped saying I love you (he does say it back but only if I say it first..he just says he "cares about me") avoided calling me his girlfriend in public when obviously it was appropriate to do so (like he thinks I am obsessed with titles which I am not!) 

So yeah it's indicative of someone with an avoidant attachment style for sure..not my first rodeo with an avoidant 

This is sad. This is a lot to handle on top of  your disability and everything you need to work through related to that, AND the ex and his damage on you. Seems to me you need a kind man, one that feels protective of you and wants to enhance your life, not make it more difficult. How long ago he started giving you less? 

[boymommy]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

boymommy, please don't take offense to this, not my intention at all.

But your willingness to tolerate such treatment from him, finding ways to accommodate him, make things easier for him, is the type of mindset that gets you or any woman into relationships with men who have the propensity to abuse.  Emotionally, mentally.

I am all for compromise and even accommodating to a certain degree, but not with men who do a 180 when you mention commitment and shut you down when attempting to discuss. Stonewalling.  

That's like rewarding a man for his poor actions.  Not good. He won't respect you.   

You deserve better, you know that right? 

You are very sweet. I know all this. Actually I really just realized all this a few weeks ago when I started hijacking people's threads with my crap! lol Obviously I needed to talk but wasn't quite ready to start my own thread. I am ready now. I guess it just becomes real when you start talking about it with people. I have obviously been down this road with my ex husband. Its so hard and a very lonely place to be. But I am so different now. 

I know I deserve better. I have spent the past few weeks just sort of processing my feelings and trying to figure out if in fact I could be wrong somehow. Like this was all in my head. I know it's not though! 

[Miss Spider]

Agree with everyone. You deserve better, boy mommy! And I don’t think you should wait for him to drop off. I think that you should end it and find a good guy for you. A local man. 

[Gaeta]

A couple of threads ago you took an appointment for couples counseling, how did that go? Wasn't his fear of commitment addressed? 

[boymommy]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is sad. This is a lot to handle on top of  your disability and everything you need to work through related to that, AND the ex and his damage on you. Seems to me you need a kind man, one that feels protective of you and wants to enhance your life, not make it more difficult. How long ago he started giving you less? 

Yeah I read him the riot act when he was complaining about the driving and told him he better stop his biatching because he knew about it to begin with. I haven't heard much about it since then. He's been really good with it. Giving me less started maybe a year ago. I cant' really pinpoint exactly because it didn't happen all at once, that's why I didn't notice it until recently. He used to call every day we weren't together. Then it was 3 times a week. Then two. Then once. Then it would be every other week he'd call. Then nothing at all. It's like sort of a slow fade out of the phone calls. I questioned him and he had a mirad of excuses (limited phone plan, no web cam capability, ect) It's true he does not have unlimited call text or a web cam but he could get those things, he just doesn't. Or he says he will but no follow through

[boymommy]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

A couple of threads ago you took an appointment for couples counseling, how did that go? Wasn't his fear of commitment addressed? 

Oh yes we went to one session with a male counselor. He shut down and gave zero effort during the session. I was super pissed. He claimed it was due to the therapist being a male and his discomfort with that and he prefers a female. Fine I was ready to line up a female when he said he wanted to try individual because the male couples therapist said most of the issues were due to his committment issues (yep) and not myself. Boyfriend said it was too much to do both simultaneously. I agreed. He did actually get himself into individual counseling with a female therapist. Went for about 2 months and made progress actually! As much as you can make it 2 months. Then covid happened and his session got switched to teletherapy on the computer. Apparently there were technical issues or something so he said his therapist said to come back after covid? I don't quite get that because covid isn't ending. I have asked if he would be willing to seek out another therapist. No answer to that. 

[Gaeta]

Unfortunately I am seeing a pattern. You both met you were freshly out of relationships/marriage. He was outstanding with you for 1 year then he's been slacking for 2. That says a lot. I think he **cares** yes but the love has faded away. It's something we see a lot in men jumping from one relationship to another and not playing the field in between. 

I do not believe his therapist dropped him because of technical reasons and told him see you after covid. 

[boymommy]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Unfortunately I am seeing a pattern. You both met you were freshly out of relationships/marriage. He was outstanding with you for 1 year then he's been slacking for 2. That says a lot. I think he **cares** yes but the love has faded away. It's something we see a lot in men jumping from one relationship to another and not playing the field in between. 

I do not believe his therapist dropped him because of technical reasons and told him see you after covid. 

Well he had actually been single for quite some time before he met me. His divorce took 4 years to become final. They were seperated a long time. He dated women in the interim but they were all short term. I am the first LTR since his seperation/divorce. I met him about 6 months after my seperation and my divorce was final the month I met him. Basically the paperwork was just being drawn up at that point and everything was already settled. But yes we were both newly divorced when we met and the aftermath of that. 

I would agree with you in regards to the reasoning he gave about his therapist dropping him. It doesn't make sense. I am a therapist and its not something I would say. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by boymommy

[Gaeta]

Then I misunderstood the recently divorced. We women think men are as complicated as us, they're not. If they are interested they act interested. If he's down to calling you once during the week? then sees you on weekends but won't introduce you as his girlfriend, he's making you a friend with benefits. Does it feel like that?

[poppyfields]

May I ask how you met?  Was it on line, a dating app?  If so, did he reach out first knowing you live a distance away?  When did you tell him about your disability?

The women he had short term relationships with, were they local?

Apologies for all the questions!  Just trying to gain some insight. 

With commitment fears, please know there is nothing you can do.

In fact, the harder you try to fix or accommodate or try to work out, the greater the fear and the further he will distance.  

I am very familiar with commitment fears.  Read books, articles, studies.  It's something I have struggled with (NOT this severe) and something one of my older brothers still struggles with (more severe).

Edit:  Two weeks not contacting you while IN the relationship would be a dealbreaker for most people.  Not acceptable BM.  

You give such awesome advice to others, I'm curious why you did (accepted two weeks NC).

Gawd, you deserve SO much better.  

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I would be quite reluctant to commit to someone so far away too, especially if I knew I had to do most of the travel. And that is understandable. Not your fault at all. It could be just that he has doubts with the viability of the relationship in the long run. What is your discussion of long term goals? Or their plans to move closer or keep the status quo? Sorry if I missed it

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I would be quite reluctant to commit to someone so far away too, especially if I knew I had to do most of the travel. And that is understandable. Not your fault at all. It could be just that he has doubts with the viability of the relationship in the long run. What is your discussion of long term goals? Or their plans to move closer or keep the status quo? Sorry if I missed it

I know me too, but if he HE made first contact (which we don't know yet), he knew this going in. So to change his mind now, just after boymommy broaches the topic of a more serious commitment?

And to stonewall thereafter whenever BM tries to discuss?  

Why not just end it if he thinks the distance is to much? 

There's more going on here imo, below the surface, beyond simply not wanting to make the drive.  

Keep in mind, those with commitment fears can't make a commitment either way - to stay in the relationship or end it.

Both decisions cause extreme anxiety.  So they begin giving less and less (just like here), until the relationship basically dies of attrition and there is nothing left.

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I know me too, but if he HE made first contact (which we don't know yet), he knew this going in. So to change his mind now, just after boymommy broaches the topic of a more serious commitment?

And to stonewall thereafter whenever BM tries to discuss?  

There's more going on here imo, below the surface, beyond simply not wanting to make the drive.  

I understand ,yes. But when you are first meeting someone new,  the excitement is high.  Lust is a huge factor. There are other factors at play too that could have made the  drive  seem not that bad at first. Driving to someone a few hours starts out not that bad. But then as time wears on, more practical issues pop up in the relationship, novelty wears off, it can be a difficult decision to say you want to stay all in. I am just speaking as someone who has been in situations where at the beginning I was willing to compromise a lot more. As time went on, it wore on me. The compromises were not worth it anymore. And I certainly did not want to commit to having to do it indefinitely. The stonewalling probably comes because he is enjoying the other benefits when it’s convenient for him.  JMO 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes