Communication difficulties

[boymommy]

Hey guys. The time has come to ask for advice here. I tried to navigate this myself and nothing is working. So here is the deal:

3 year relationship. Basically LDR where we see each other every weekend. It can be difficult due to my inability to drive (disabled) and both of us coming from very traumatic marriage/divorce situations. 

We are a great couple and are really happy. Just usual couple issues have come out that we work out very well. The main issue we have faced most recently is a lack of communication, but historically this has never been an issue for us! Something changed (perhaps it was me) because the past few months my ex husband has been increasingly abusive to me and I had to increase the amount of therapy I was in to deal with this. Well I feel like as a result of the increased therapy I noticed my boyfriend's lack of communication skills/deficits that I may not have noticed before..or minded before. We have been trying to deal with this and talk about it but the more I talk, the more overwhelmed and upset boyfriend gets. Any suggestions? I literally have tried EVERYTHING to help this situation and I am at a loss. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I feel like as a result of the increased therapy I noticed my boyfriend's lack of communication skills/deficits that I may not have noticed before..or minded before. 

You've known him 3 years. You can't fix or change him. Make sure therapy is for the former situation, and be careful not to let the past contaminate the present.

[boymommy]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've known him 3 years. You can't fix or change him. Make sure therapy is for the former situation, and be careful not to let the past contaminate the present.

Not trying to change the man.  Just work with him on a compromise because I love him. I don't want to leave the relationship. 

I attend therapy for my past trauma (this therapist is temporary though) and I work on healthier communication with my other therapist within my current relationship (stemming from my past issues but apply it to my present relationship.) Actually as my mindset got better from my past trauma that's when my previous relationship started having issues. Why that is I don't know. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by boymommy

[elaine567]

Neither your past relationship nor this new one stand up to the scrutiny of proper healthy communication.

11 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Actually as my mindset got better from my past trauma that's when my previous relationship started having issues. Why that is I don't know. 

Your previous relationship was based on who you were before you got better, it was based on a damaged you.
As you blossomed and saw things differently, you left him behind, he didn't like it.

Now you are doing the same thing, you start seeing the cracks, you try to convey that to your new bf but he doesn't want to see them, he prefers the way things are.

[smackie9]

Maybe you telling him to "do more" or questioning him about it, has triggered something he used to deal with in his past. Have to change your approach. Instead of saying "You need to contact me more, or why don't you talk to me more when we are apart?, etc" "Hey tomorrow would be a great time for me if you want to chat/catch up...have so much to tell you."  or  "call me tomorrow if you like, I will be home at around......"

[Miss Spider]

Something changed. Do you know if it was the lack of communication that changed or just your sensitivity to the lack that was already there? Or both.  Because I couldn’t quite work that out in 0P.. 
 

Not going to sugarcoat it. I have read tons of stories and a follow up to those stories. I have had numerous friends in relationships and watched their relationships go down with clinical detachment. I have discovered that in all these scenarios, when there is a big discrepancy with communication with one party or the other, there is also a big discrepancy with interest /investment in the relationship as well. Usually, are getting their emotional needs met somewhere else or they are just not as into it as the other person. Often it takes a long time for this to play out to its conclusion. It may just be something someone ignores for a long time and files away as “just their communication style/preference” . I have one friend whose boyfriend messages her basically on and off during the week. She is not really happy with this but she tolerates it. Right now nothing is really out of place. I anticipate that it will soon explode, and I will probably be in the splash zone once again. That’s a whole other story. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Something changed. Do you know if it was the lack of communication that changed or just your sensitivity to the lack that was already there? Or both.  Because I couldn’t quite work that out in 0P.. 
 

Not going to sugarcoat it. I have read tons of stories and a follow up to those stories. I have had numerous friends in relationships and watched their relationships go down with clinical detachment. I have discovered that in all these scenarios, when there is a big discrepancy with communication with one party or the other, there is also a big discrepancy with interest /investment in the relationship as well. Usually, are getting their emotional needs met somewhere else or they are just not as into it as the other person. Often it takes a long time for this to play out to its conclusion. It may just be something someone ignores for a long time and files away as “just their communication style/preference” . I have one friend whose boyfriend messages her basically on and off during the week. She is not really happy with this but she tolerates it. Right now nothing is really out of place. I anticipate that it will soon explode, and I will probably be in the splash zone once again. That’s a whole other story. 

Gosh I have yet to figure out what changed. I suspect my boyfriend lost interest over time but not enough to leave the relationship. He likes the companionship, great sex, having something to do on the weekends, ect. But he fire and passion he once felt really aren't there anymore. Examples would be he basically stopped calling and for the first year he called a lot. We used to email/text (but primarily email) to keep in touch but then he switched to texting. He is a TERRIBLE texter. I asked why he wanted to text and he said "because I like it." No, I hate texting with him. He is slow to respond and I have to initiate most of the conversation. Plus he flat out hates texting. But he likes emailing. I suggested several times we go back to emailing as primary means of communicating but it's like he's so resistant to this. So my thought is that he is trying to sabotage our relationship or give me less on purpose because he's no longer as into it? Perhaps. 

[Gaeta]

Does he have tendencies of being passive-aggressive? I see this as he's unhappy with something and you're not addressing it so he's slowly detaching himself. 

None of you would relocate? 3 years is long enough to know if you're in it for real or not. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, boymommy said:

. He likes the companionship, great sex, having something to do on the weekends, ect. But he fire and passion he once had.

Do you enjoy these things as well?

Perhaps in this case you need to determine if it's contented and comfortable..

Or if it's complacent and coasting. 

Certainly you can't expect the excitement of new dating to last forever.

Again it's important to separate the actions of your abusive ex and the uptick in that from your now dating situation.

How does your abusive ex have access to you if you deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps?

Do you have to share custody?

[boymommy]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Does he have tendencies of being passive-aggressive? I see this as he's unhappy with something and you're not addressing it so he's slowly detaching himself. 

None of you would relocate? 3 years is long enough to know if you're in it for real or not. 

Yes he does have these tendencies. We did have a good talk last night about all the things I posted about. He told me when I bought a house last year he was sad because he thought there was a possibility I would move to him (but we live in different school districts and he lives in a rural area not good for someone who can't drive) plus he had told me he wasn't ready for marriage. But more importantly then that when I talked to him about the possibilty of buying a house he never voiced any concern or told me this. He said he didn't want to influence my decision or stop me if this is what i wanted to do. This is the problem with someone not being very open with what they want in a relationship.

As far as relocation, he basically said if we talk about it then it will instill "false hope" that it will happen because it's still many years away due to his inability to move until his son completes high school. And he said talking about it is like a committment to him and he would feel like he had to follow through. I personally don't agree with that logic unless he just really doesn't see me in his future at all. I told him for me 3 years is long enough to know if you want a future and to talk about it but he may have a different idea. I agree just because you talk about it doesn't mean it will happen. He told me he is unsure about relocating..sometimes he thinks yes, sometimes no. Due to the fact that I live in a neighborhood and he hates neighbors. My neighborhood is very quiet though.

[boymommy]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you enjoy these things as well?

Perhaps in this case you need to determine if it's contented and comfortable..

Or if it's complacent and coasting. 

Certainly you can't expect the excitement of new dating to last forever.

Again it's important to separate the actions of your abusive ex and the uptick in that from your now dating situation.

How does your abusive ex have access to you if you deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps?

Do you have to share custody?

Yes, I do enjoy them. I know my boyfriend is way more laid back and go with the flow then I am..at least about a relationship. But in the beginning of our relationship he was not like that so perhaps thats what I keep referencing. He seemed very much like myself when I first met him. Really excited and romantic. But perhaps I am mistaking the honeymoon phase for what I thought was actually the real him. This is the real him. Or at the very least a side of him. I understand the new dating excitement doesn't last forever. The low key him comes out and I get a little bored I think. But is that because I am so used to guys who are abusive and over the top all the time? Perhaps. I know I don't have a great frame of reference to go on given my past. 

Anyway...I only communicate with my ex husband via email. I actually have his email address blocked as well and all his emails go to my spam folder but I check that regularly and then put them into a folder with his name on it before they get deleted. I do this so that in case he sends me an abusive controlling email I dont have to see it come in or read it, I can quick put it in the folder. Yes, we have to share custody it's court ordered. When he asked for the divorce he immediately set up a custody mediation right away. But I document everything and protect myself as best I can from him. We do parallel parenting (basically communicating ONLY when needed) and this works well. 

[Gaeta]

So you both have children in different school districts, and exs wanting access to their children, which is normal. I understand that, I have a teen and I would  not move her out of her school, at that age their friends is everything. I think you have to make the most with what you have. The routine is hard on couples, does your boyfriend enjoy weekends away just the 2 of you? did you travel together? do you have a circle of friends, family? I know with the covid that is all on stand by but how was it before? Would he be open to couples counseling?

 

[Ellener]

22 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I understand the new dating excitement doesn't last forever. The low key him comes out and I get a little bored I think. But is that because I am so used to guys who are abusive and over the top all the time?

I definitely miss the intensity and drama of my life from the past, in a way that puzzles me, because I also hated it! But if I ever find someone to settle down and just be comfortable with I'll take it! I don't mistake intensity and drama for passion or love now I'm older. 

What we look for we notice- the flaws or the good things. No relationship is perfect, it just needs to be good enough. And definitely non-abusive.

Your counselling is about you, don't let it spill out everywhere or use it to 'counsel' your boyfriend! As in

18 hours ago, boymommy said:

as a result of the increased therapy I noticed my boyfriend's lack of communication skills/deficits that I may not have noticed before..or minded before. We have been trying to deal with this and talk about it but the more I talk, the more overwhelmed and upset boyfriend gets.

Your boyfriend is happy with who he is, if he wanted to change he'd need to seek counselling or do it for himself; happiness with yourself- that's your goal in counselling. Not questioning or changing others.

 

 

[boymommy]

52 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So you both have children in different school districts, and exs wanting access to their children, which is normal. I understand that, I have a teen and I would  not move her out of her school, at that age their friends is everything. I think you have to make the most with what you have. The routine is hard on couples, does your boyfriend enjoy weekends away just the 2 of you? did you travel together? do you have a circle of friends, family? I know with the covid that is all on stand by but how was it before? Would he be open to couples counseling?

 

My boyfriend has a dog which puts a wrench in any weekend traveling. He doesn't really want to kennel her (she is 6 and never been to one) and for our week vacation that we take every year he usually has his adult daughter watch the dog. But I think he has at this point burned bridges with all his family members as the dog is a terrible house guest and gets really home sick. Plus he hates driving so him to just coming to get me seems like enough for him. Then him having to drive somewhere in addition probably would aggravate him. 

I have a lot of support in my life. I am part of a mom's club in which I am the treasurer of the club. I value this a lot! My family lives in another state but I am very close to them and we facetime and talk on the phone regularly. He is open to couple's counseling he said. 

[boymommy]

31 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I definitely miss the intensity and drama of my life from the past, in a way that puzzles me, because I also hated it! But if I ever find someone to settle down and just be comfortable with I'll take it! I don't mistake intensity and drama for passion or love now I'm older. 

What we look for we notice- the flaws or the good things. No relationship is perfect, it just needs to be good enough. And definitely non-abusive.

Your counselling is about you, don't let it spill out everywhere or use it to 'counsel' your boyfriend! As in

Your boyfriend is happy with who he is, if he wanted to change he'd need to seek counselling or do it for himself; happiness with yourself- that's your goal in counselling. Not questioning or changing others.

 

 

Thank you for your perspective. My counseling is about me. I think I have a complex that I missed the signs of marrying an abusive/incompatible man so I feel like I have very poor judgement in relationships. If I missed the signs and married someone like that then whats to stop me from doing it again? So I talk to me therapist about my relationship in hopes I can hone in on any warning signs that I may have missed because clearly I am just a good judge of that or just flat out ignore them. If that makes sense. There is a lot of self blame when you marry someone as abusive and controlling as my ex husband. It's like how could I not see what I was doing? I can't make that mistake again! Not that I think my current boyfriend is abusive, I don't. But I worry about marrying the wrong man again. It's about me, not him. 

I am not trying to change him. I love him the way he is. I am also happy with myself. With everything I have been through I am trying to determine if we are a good match but I feel like it's something you are or you arent. I have a fear of marrying the wrong person (again) but I gather he thinks the same thing you do by me talking to him..that I am trying to change him into what I want him to be. Which I may just be a little conflicted myself. 

[Ellener]

6 minutes ago, boymommy said:

There is a lot of self blame when you marry someone as abusive and controlling as my ex husband. It's like how could I not see what I was doing? I can't make that mistake again!

Oh I know. A psychiatrist once took me on one side and told me my ex was dangerous, had a personality disorder, and was trying to convince her I needed controlling! Did I listen? Not for a long time, until I'd actually been physically hurt. I've had a lot of short-term non-committed relationships since which were more about me working through my issues than the other person...then a long period of singledom.

8 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I may just be a little conflicted myself. 

Maybe you are just not ready for re-marriage yet? Enjoy what you have for now?

 

[Fletch Lives]

How many hours away are you two?

[Gaeta]

56 minutes ago, boymommy said:

My boyfriend has a dog which puts a wrench in any weekend traveling. He doesn't really want to kennel her (she is 6 and never been to one) and for our week vacation that we take every year he usually has his adult daughter watch the dog. But I think he has at this point burned bridges with all his family members as the dog is a terrible house guest and gets really home sick. Plus he hates driving so him to just coming to get me seems like enough for him. Then him having to drive somewhere in addition probably would aggravate him. 

There are solutions to this. 

I know all about having a dog that keeps you from going away. My dog is heading on 14 years old. He's an American Spaniel so very anxious if he's away from me or in another home. At first my adult daughter would come stay here to dogsit while we were gone on weekends, then she bought her house and has her own life I could not demand that of her anymore. So I spoke to my vet and he told me if I need to go away for a short period 2-3 days top it's better my dog stay in my home, a place he's familiar with, and have a professional come visit 3 times a day for a visit, feed, and play. Also for very anxious dogs there are medication they can take during your absence to ease the anxiety. So, that's what we did. We hired a dog sitting company, the lady came to visit and make friends with my dog first. We went away and all through the weekend she sent me text and pictures of her visits at home, their walks, and told me if he had eaten, if he was happy jolly etc. It's an amazing service! Sure you pay about $30 per visit, round it to $100 a day but the peace of mind is priceless! AND the good it does to your relationship is priceless. 

His dog is 6, probably will live to be 13-14, will you avoid going away for the next 8 years!

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, boymommy said:

My boyfriend has a dog which puts a wrench in any weekend traveling. He doesn't really want to kennel her. Then him having to drive somewhere in addition probably would aggravate him. 

 

Look for a dogsitter that will go to his house and walk the dog. Even better- my dogsitter takes my dog to her house when we're gone for several days, only charges $25 per overnite although she acknowledges I have the lower rate because I'm grandfathered in but whatever.

 

[poppyfields]

Hello boymommy, I was so disheartened to read this, I'm sorry. 

You've mentioned you have a disability several times on this forum and this thread.  Do you believe that may be a factor in this?  Why he's emotionally distancing or doesn't wish to discuss future?

Or do you believe he may have committment/avoidant issues?  Be aware avoidants and those with commitment fears love long distance relationships, they intentionally seek them out.  

Not saying he does, just things to consider as you sort this out. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

Good luck with trying to persuade a country dweller who hates neighbours to move into town... it ain't going to happen.
He knows that.

[boymommy]

40 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

How many hours away are you two?

Its about 43 miles/50 minutes. But on weekends he has his son he drives to my house, picks me up, then we drive back to his place. Then he drives me back Sunday. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Its about 43 miles/50 minutes. But on weekends he has his son he drives to my house, picks me up, then we drive back to his place. Then he drives me back Sunday. 

Get on one of those online group looking for paying lifts! Take away some of his travelling  burden. Maybe someone travels over that way every weekend and would be glad to take your 10 bucks! They may not drive you to his door but it would be much better for your bf to go pick you up at the local gas station than driving 1h30 twice a weekend.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think the problems here are matters of logistics or planning, sorry to say.

Your say your bf cuts you off when you try to have a discussion about issues in the relationship. That's full stop. End.

Things cannot work if someone doesn't even engage the other partner when the other partner raises a concern. Cannot work. Will not work. Should not work.

A couple has to be able to talk through difficult subjects. There is no alternative. We will have disagreements in the best of relationships. Not just disagreements, but clashes in lifestyle and sometimes values. If the couple cannot negotiate sanely through these conflicts, they're in trouble.

You really need to consider dumping this guy. And don't be so hard on yourself for repeating a pattern. It usually takes several attempts before we break a pattern, even a terrible pattern that intellectually we understand. Intellectually knowing we have a bad relationship pattern is not the same as being able, in real time, to be in relationship (or not) in a way that is healthy.

I was dumped by an ambivalent woman. And what did I do? I later dated and was dumped by another ambivalent woman. The lessons from the first experience, got into my brain. The lessons from the second experience, got to all parts of my body. 

The idea of dating someone who isn't clear they REALLY, deeply, want to date me ... now grosses me out. So don't worry about repeating a pattern. Recovering addicts have slips and still they can go sober. You will have slips. Now time to really audit this relationship in your mind, and think through how and where you missed this quality in bf earlier on. 

It may indeed be that you did nothing wrong. Sometimes we simply let "little" things slide--or give our partner the benefit of the doubt--and those little things then add up to a major problem. My suggestion: go back in your memory til times when you were working really hard to keep things going or to be flexible and understanding. Likely those were times you were running into a red flag, but you just didn't acknowledge it at the time.

Working really hard is often (and I know this is crazy) a sign that a relationship is unequal. The other partner is almost never working as hard. 

[Miss Spider]

21 hours ago, boymommy said:

Gosh I have yet to figure out what changed. I suspect my boyfriend lost interest over time but not enough to leave the relationship. He likes the companionship, great sex, having something to do on the weekends, ect. But he fire and passion he once felt really aren't there anymore. Examples would be he basically stopped calling and for the first year he called a lot. We used to email/text (but primarily email) to keep in touch but then he switched to texting. He is a TERRIBLE texter. I asked why he wanted to text and he said "because I like it." No, I hate texting with him. He is slow to respond and I have to initiate most of the conversation. Plus he flat out hates texting. But he likes emailing. I suggested several times we go back to emailing as primary means of communicating but it's like he's so resistant to this. So my thought is that he is trying to sabotage our relationship or give me less on purpose because he's no longer as into it? Perhaps. 

I’m sorry. Unfortunately, this seems to be a common MO for people, men in particular. They’ve lost interest but don’t want to be the ones to end it, so they kind of do their own thing and wait until things get so unacceptable for the other person that they have to force dump. He prefers to text, he’s a bad texter, he hates texting, he won’t email. Bottom line is that he will not communicate with you and communication is one of if not the most important parts of a relationship.