[Long Text] We're on a break. or have we broken up? What do I do next?

[Bastor]

Hey guys,

So me and my GF (ex-GF?) have been together for almost a year.

We've had our ups and downs as any relationship - and she's been a bit of a d!ck to me at times in retrospect - after talking to a friend I discovered that a major red flag is that when something wasn't going her way or she was unhappy - instead of looking to talk to me and communicate - she would turn tail and run off angry, usually playing the victim.

The dynamic got to a place where in her mind I'm always someone who needs to work on himself and manage his life better while she lacked any sort of introspection on her flaws - which is admittedly as much my fault as it is hers.

Still - we had a lot of issue-less good months together but recently things went off the rocker.

So for a bit of a timeline - we went from:

1. Looking for a house together, to

2. "You need to solve some issues you have before we take this step" (aimed at me regarding the house) and "I feel as though thinks will get worse the more you get promoted at work" (I had just gotten promoted to a lead position) - here she feels as though I'm not proactive enough in our relationship. Now in some aspects - I am not. But this feels like something to solve together as a couple. Instead she asked me to reach out to a psychiatrist for advice - which I initially thought was fine but a female friend of mind who I confided in said that this is crazy - she should be there for us to work through our relationship issues as a couple rather than abdicate to me having to deal with them - given this perspective I absolutely agree

3. "We need a break until you fix your issues or a break up - it's up to you" - this had me wtf? Not going to lie my initial reaction was very desperate and pleading (huge mistake imo). Highlights from that communication were "Yeah you were there for me but is that all..." and that I don't face relationship problems proactively or head-on - for the sake of objectivity the last one is a fair assessment.

She also said that she doesn't feel the same about me (think that's a big flag) and that the only person who can solve my own issues is myself.

The discussion ended with "We take a rest (break) or we end it - it's up to you" (as the first paragraph of this point stated)

4. I read up a lot on breaks and saw that it is good to actually agree to it and essentially ghost her and work on myself but also ensure boundaries are in place.

Called her up and told her that a break is 4-5 weeks, we should pause our communication (something she was unhappy about) and asked if she is going to be seeing other people.

She said that "I'm not going to be looking for any type of contacts" - whatever this weird, convoluted speak means but also reminded me that she is still my friend before anything else and that she's there for me (which seems like a way to appease her guilty conscience?)

5. I stopped contacting her at this point and she wrote to remind me that I might ask my therapist about memory exercises because sometimes I tend to forget things? In retrospect - who the hell doesn't forget things? I honestly should have erupted on her at this point but kept my cool, sent a thumbs up and continues with my life.

6. She sent a meme after 2 days of no contact - I'm guessing she has started missing me - I replied shortly we exchanged some funny videos and pictures (I think I should have not done that but anyway) and that was about it.

7. Talked a bit about work-related stuff and some things that make us happy but nothing in-depth. Gave me advice on how to fill out employee feedback, she said she couldn't find a specific pet product she needed so I (like the dumbo that I am) said that I'll check next time I'm at the pet store for cat food.

8. No contact for two days - I did go to the pet store and they had what she needed, got some along with my usual shopping, messaged her a photo of the box she said "Awesome, where did they have them?" I pretty much told her the store. Then she asked me how my grandma is doing (she's fine, Covid couldn't keep her down btw) and we've had some short "Sup" type conversations the past few days (yeah I admit these are a mistake)

9.This Monday I told her that I'm in a good place, I've been taking care of myself I've been healing, talking to people, eating right - e.g. turning my life around. I feel good and progressing I identified some issues I have in relationships and I told her that I'm good and that she can take all the time she needs to think about the relationship and come to a decision about it.

In response I got:
"Detach yourself from the relationship - therapy is there to help you grow"

"I don't want to smell a relationship from miles away right now regardless of with who"

"I have nothing to think about - I've thought about things as they were happening"

 

Then she shifted the topic wildly to a personal project of hers and she expressed happiness in being able to find some people in need to gift old but good furniture to.

I got things back on topic, told her that I'm sorry if I've hurt her and pushed her out of wanting relationships.

She pretty much said that nothing is my fault, she has no ill feelings towards me and I'm the only person who she's "detached" (keep in mind I'm translating here so this word could be interpreted as a break, detachment or breakup) from without bad blood.

She said that as soon as she realized I have psychological blocks and have to walk the same path she has to fix them - decided that I don't have 10 years for the self-therapy she has done on herself and thought the psychiatrist is a perfect idea for me and she is sad that at the time she didn't involve one early in her issues.

 

Also told me that until I "level up" it's probably best to not see each other as it would be two steps forward - three steps back.

 

This was Monday - I have decided to stop all communication with her and let her miss me (should have done that from the start honestly, as it was obvious she was curious and checking in)

 

Now if you actually read through this - I'd be pretty amazed and grateful.

My question now is - do you folks think this relationship is over? I get super weird vibes from her - she doesn't want a relationship, she want me to grow on my own though before we see each other.

Obviously I wouldn't be asking if I didn't still have love for her but I'm SUPER confused by her now.

- Is she just testing someone else and lying to me?

- Does she have some personal struggles she's locking me out of and turning the blame to me (she has been known to do this - become reclusive and hide away when having issues rather than leaning on me)

- Is it just jealous friends telling her she deserves better?

- Is she just afraid of commitment? Because to an extent - it looks like that.

 

I don't know where to go with this - my current plan is to keep getting ripped as hell, doing what brings me joy and not contacting her so she starts missing me.

You guys think this makes sense?

The weird part is that we still have stuff at each others places, keys, etc. - I don't understand if we're broken up.

Should I ask her to come get her stuff and just be the bad guy to break up?

Respect the 4-5 weeks I gave and let her think about what she's missing out on?

Ask her mom if there is something bigger in the picture causing these issues (e.g. health problems somewhere or some family issues?)

[Wiseman2]

RUN👟👟

Only 12 months dating and this much hostility, psychobabble and crazy plans?

You dodged a bullet. It seems more like you can't stand each other than "ups and downs".

[ExpatInItaly]

Forget this woman. 

She's too  much work. A good, healthy relationship doesn't look like this.