sm99 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 Every now and then she has a go at me because I've not introduced her to my parents. I tell her how pleased I am that she is now ready to meet them and try to take the heat out of her mood. Instead of it turning into a discussion about when we can all meet, she has a go at me for not having already introduced them. It doesn't matter how much I try to move the conversation to arrange a meeting, or to try to affirm her right to keep things as they are, she just uses it as an excuse for an argument. She always ends the argument by saying that now she doesn't want to meet them any more, and it's all my fault, and follows it up with a firm "the subject is now closed" and a big cold shoulder! She refuses to outright say if she really wants to meet them soon or not, but has given strong hints in both directions. I've told her I would love for her to meet them, but that I'm also happy to keep things as they are if she doesn't feel ready (we're 1.5years LDR, age-gap, different race/religion; and at the same time get on very well - talk every day she regularly tells me I'm "the one", things generally going very well otherwise). This problem comes back every month or so framed in exactly the same aggresive negative way. What to do? What do you think she is really saying?
smackie9 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 1.5 years is a long time to not introduce your SO to your parents. 1 2
Miss Spider Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 So, why haven’t you introduced her to your parents? 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 14 minutes ago, sm99 said: we're 1.5years LDR, age-gap, different race/religion How is it Long Distance? School/work? How did you meet? How often do you visit each other? Have you met her family/friends? Why won't you introduce her to your parents, you seem to keep looking for ways to sidestep the situation. LDRs are very difficult and she may be wondering if this is going anywhere.
boymommy Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 Sounds like neither of you are being real direct about what it is you actually want. You are sending conflicting messages, as is she. I suggest you take some time and decide if you are ready to introduce her to your parents. Then you go back to her and tell her your decision and ask her if this is what she wants. Ask in a very direct manner. No phrasing in a very confusing optional type question, but flat out say "I want you to meet my parents. Is this what you want as well? I can set up a meeting at such and such a time." Now if the issue is that you keep giving yourself some passive aggressive type "out plan" by saying that she "really doesn't have to meet them if she isn't ready" well that indicates the problem lies in your own indecision but you are passing the buck onto her...when in reality the issue is you my friend! Step up your game and quit confusing the poor girl. Not that she is innocent because her behavior is problematic too. She has to quit with the mixed messages too and stop backtracking off what she wants. You guys are both too afraid to say what you want out of fear of conflict or whatever so you do this weird cycle. Try breaking the cycle!
trident_2020 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) I bet she's the one that brings up the topic once a month. Seems like she really wants to meet your parents but since you haven't been receptive to the idea she's sulking about it. Edited November 25, 2020 by trident_2020
Author sm99 Posted November 25, 2020 Author Posted November 25, 2020 I'll try to answer all the questions at once - We got together on holiday, and partly because of the pandemic, partly because it is a very long distance have met up 4 times since. I will be moving there in 6 months. I have been to her city 3 times, but she has been unable to come here because of covid restrictions. She never introduced me to friends while I was there, Covid made it difficult but it was not impossible to meet any of them. I have talked briefly to a couple of her friends on zoom (but introduced as a friend, not BF). We have 2 common (not particularly close) friends, in third cities, from our holiday when we first met, but she has resisted my request for me to tell them about us. She tells me she likes to keep private things private and has no intention of updating FB/etc. I know this sounds like she might be playing me, but we have been exclusive for a long time, things feel right, and I have many many good reasons to believe her when she expresses her feelings for me, and that she respects our relationship (I trust her). On a number of ocassions she has been quite vocal about not being ready to meet my parents, and stated she wants me to meet her mum before she will meet my folks (she "tested" me by arranging a couple of meetings with her mum, both of which I happily did my part with, but she then said she was just joking on both ocassions). All of which is why I have been hesitant to push the topic, but on the other hand I get the pattern of behaviour described in my original post, which shows she also feels I should have introduced her! It's good to hear all your answers, thank you! There seems to be a concensus in your reading of the situation and your prescription, so - I think I will tell her that she is meeting my parents via zoom the next time we are together, no if's or buts! (and will make the offer to Zoom call her mum first) I suspect she will put up a short fight, sulk for being pushed into it, then grudgingly comply, then be very happy (I hope so anyway!). Further input most welcome! 1
Crazelnut Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) This is a mess. She sounds immature and yes, it sounds like she's playing you. Good luck. Edited November 25, 2020 by Crazelnut 2
snowboy91 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 In contrast, I'm frustrated for you! So she doesn't want your mutual friends to know about your relationship, and has said repeatedly that she doesn't feel ready to meet your parents, then pays you out for not introducing her to them. The distance probably isn't helping, but she isn't able to communicate to you what she wants all that clearly. I wouldn't be surprised if she herself doesn't even know what she wants. As blunt as it is, I'd be tempted to call her out on it ("you've said many times you're not ready to meet my parents then you have a go at me for not doing so. Are you ready or not?")
Miss Spider Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, sm99 said: I'll try to answer all the questions at once - We got together on holiday, and partly because of the pandemic, partly because it is a very long distance have met up 4 times since. I will be moving there in 6 months. I have been to her city 3 times, but she has been unable to come here because of covid restrictions. She never introduced me to friends while I was there, Covid made it difficult but it was not impossible to meet any of them. I have talked briefly to a couple of her friends on zoom (but introduced as a friend, not BF). We have 2 common (not particularly close) friends, in third cities, from our holiday when we first met, but she has resisted my request for me to tell them about us. She tells me she likes to keep private things private and has no intention of updating FB/etc. I know this sounds like she might be playing me, but we have been exclusive for a long time, things feel right, and I have many many good reasons to believe her when she expresses her feelings for me, and that she respects our relationship (I trust her). On a number of ocassions she has been quite vocal about not being ready to meet my parents, and stated she wants me to meet her mum before she will meet my folks (she "tested" me by arranging a couple of meetings with her mum, both of which I happily did my part with, but she then said she was just joking on both ocassions). All of which is why I have been hesitant to push the topic, but on the other hand I get the pattern of behaviour described in my original post, which shows she also feels I should have introduced her! It's good to hear all your answers, thank you! There seems to be a concensus in your reading of the situation and your prescription, so - I think I will tell her that she is meeting my parents via zoom the next time we are together, no if's or buts! (and will make the offer to Zoom call her mum first) I suspect she will put up a short fight, sulk for being pushed into it, then grudgingly comply, then be very happy (I hope so anyway!). Further input most welcome! So, you have not met her family either. It sounds to me like she’s playing you a bit OP. Having done this to my fair share of men, I know the game quite well. I did not want them to meet my parents , so this is what I would do: I would say “ hey I should meet your parents after you meet mine.” It became problematic after they introduced me to their parents. When they started to get a little impatient with meeting mine, I would say “hey how about we shoot for next weekend to have you meet them”. I’d make sure those plans ‘fell through’. After those plans fell through, a little while we go on and I do it again. Buying time. It was always just on the horizon, but never actually happened. It seems like she’s hiding you, one foot out the door, and then twisting it to put it on you . I tip my hat to her. She is a seasoned vet. Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, sm99 said: We got together on holiday, have met up 4 times since .I will be moving there in 6 months What is the nature of your move there? Work? Studies? How long will you live there? Why bother discussing meeting families if there are practical impossibilities? You mentioned cultural, religious,etc. differences. Is dating her taboo in your culture or is dating you taboo in her culture? It seems you both want to keep your relationship secret. Why is that? And why are you both dancing around that with rhetorical devices? Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Edited November 26, 2020 by Wiseman2
Fletch Lives Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 (edited) You have a long distance relationship and she is picking fights with you about this (and goodness knows what else)? Instead of being worried about meeting the Flockers, maybe you should wonder if you have the right woman. Edited November 26, 2020 by Fletch Lives
BrianK Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 In some cultures the parents are not very happy to learn their kid is dating a different race or religion. I dealt with this a few years ago and it was a nightmare, I was basically her secret boyfriend and meeting her parents was never on the table, pretty sure she was looking for a more "parent friendly" boyfriend the whole time too. If its not real stop wasting each others time. 1
Calmandfocused Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 5 hours ago, BrianK said: In some cultures the parents are not very happy to learn their kid is dating a different race or religion. I dealt with this a few years ago and it was a nightmare, I was basically her secret boyfriend and meeting her parents was never on the table, pretty sure she was looking for a more "parent friendly" boyfriend the whole time too. If its not real stop wasting each others time. Yep, this happened to me too Brian. My (abusive) ex kept me as a “dirty little secret” for our entire relationship. His family didn’t even know of my existence. I even had to sit in the car when we went to his local supermarket. According to him, dating me would be seen by his family as a dishonour and a disgrace. Ridiculous! I’d never do this again. 1 1
ShyViolet Posted November 27, 2020 Posted November 27, 2020 You've only met HER in person four times, and you're moving there in 6 months? She introduced you to her friends as "a friend" and she doesn't want to tell people in her life about you? There are a lot of red flags here. 1
scooby-philly Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 Agree with every other poster. I was in a ldr...2hr drive...with an age gap and she was still studying. I foolishly fell for her lies for almost 2 hrs before she ran away for no reason. Anyone who wants you in their life and is proud of you wants to show you off. Even if she has some sort of emotional or psychological issue or barrier that's ok her to fix. Draw a line in the sand and leave if she doesn't follow through on a plan. 1
scooby-philly Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 I'll add a bit to my post. From a psychological standpoint people can either put too much, not enough, or just the right amount of emphasis on relationship markers like this one. Even with an ldr....at 1.5 years that's too long to go...especially if there's been false promises made and games played. Not too mention if there's no concrete plans for what happens when you move to her city....then you've got a fake relationship on your hands. Look...there's a million different reasons why she might be the way she is. But as I said...if she wants something real and honest she's got to be the one to break her own issues and confront her own problems. You can't do it for her. People can spend their whole lives waiting for love, affection, permission, or approval from their parents. Whatever her story...it doesn't matter. Either she's damaged goods or you don't fit what she thinks her parents expect for her. In either case move on to someone who values you, doesn't play games, cherishes you and is mature and healthy enough to live life the way they want to and not be a slave to their psychological issues.
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