My Fiance Thinks I'm Too Thin!

[Alpacalia]

Your fiancé is not technically wrong if it comes from a place of medical concern.

5 feet 6 inches 110 pounds is underweight (a BMI of 17.8)

[HiCrunchy]

Nah ur fine.

I'm a bit shorter than you (5"2) and weigh 105 pounds now, but I want to get back to around 90-95 because that is where I look my best in terms of weight, tho I've been as high as 115. I was told I'll look too skinny, but with the way I carry my weight it just what looks best, especially with me not being blessed with big boobs....cries in A cups~

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think it is more socially acceptable for people to call people too skinny because they’re like “wow, you need to eat more. How I pity you”  ...Because yay eating disorders, metabolic disorders, and other physical and mental disorders that contribute to weight issues don’t exist, right. Personally, I find eating to be very laborious at times. When I am consumed something else, eating is a chore. I sometimes forget to eat for a full day with no problem. It’s a conscious effort I must make to maintain weight. 
 

Yo, totally agree. Sometimes I get tired of chewing and the feeling of being really full is kinda nauseating for me personally. I normally just stop eating when the feeling of hunger goes away.... But its hard to find others that understand that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks Ruby. Fortunately I've been blessed with great cheekbones and a fuller round face so no I do not look gaunt.  And I still have fairly decent-sized breasts!   Lol

 

FWIW, my 21yo daughter is 5'7 and about 103 lbs.   Technically underweight, but she's always been skinny and has a tiny frame - there's only one brand who makes bras which fit her littel rib cage.  But she's healthy.  She eats well, has good skin colour and also has good sized breasts.  Size 0.   What I'm getting at is that someone who has a big frame may be unhealthy at her weight, but her super metabolism combined with a small frame means that there's absolutely nothing wrong with her.  

If you are happy at your weight, you have spare flesh (boobs), good colour, aren't gaunt and eat well - then be comfortable with who you are. 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Your fiancé is not technically wrong if it comes from a place of medical concern.

5 feet 6 inches 110 pounds is underweight (a BMI of 17.8)

BMI is highly inaccurate.   A guy with big muscles will show as obese.

[balletomane]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

BMI is highly inaccurate.   A guy with big muscles will show as obese.

But it's not just about BMI. Poppy has said she suffered from a severe eating disorder that nearly killed her. She has also shared that post-recovery she maintained a weight around 120lb (which suggests this may be her body's natural set point), that her recent weight loss was rapid, and that she bought a special scale to facilitate this (people with anorexia often obsess about knowing their weight to the last gram, body fat percentage, etc). A recent blood test showed low potassium, which can be an indicator of a seriously restricted calorie intake and other risky behaviours. Taken together, all these things are a cause for concern. Rapid weight loss in a recovered AN patient is a clinical indicator of risk on its own.

Eating disorders are widely misunderstood illnesses. They have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness. One in five anorexia sufferers will die - and of those who do, many won't look stereotypically sick. People with life-threatening AN often manage to hide it well. I think there is a real risk here that well-intentioned posters who don't have reliable knowledge of eating disorders will minimise the dangers, and I'm wondering if this was part of the reason Poppy posted the question - as a way to try and normalise symptoms and reassure herself that she's actually OK. Again, I can't say conclusively whether she is or she isn't, but I really hope that her doctor is aware of everything she's shared here.

Edited November 25, 2020 by balletomane

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with you, basil, that frame has a lot to do with it too. Some people are petite/thin framed, so despite height, they can still be healthy even at a lower weight.  I don’t think anyone can say what is healthy except for Poppy and a qualified professional who has examined her. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, balletomane said:

But it's not just about BMI. Poppy has said she suffered from a severe eating disorder that nearly killed her. She has also shared that post-recovery she maintained a weight around 120lb (which suggests this may be her body's natural set point), that her recent weight loss was rapid, and that she bought a special scale to facilitate this (people with anorexia often obsess about knowing their weight to the last gram, body fat percentage, etc). A recent blood test showed low potassium, which can be an indicator of a seriously restricted calorie intake and other risky behaviours. Taken together, all these things are a cause for concern. Rapid weight loss in a recovered AN patient is a clinical indicator of risk on its own.

Eating disorders are widely misunderstood illnesses. They have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness. One in five anorexia sufferers will die - and of those who do, many won't look stereotypically sick. People with life-threatening AN often manage to hide it well. I think there is a real risk here that well-intentioned posters who don't have reliable knowledge of eating disorders will minimise the dangers, and I'm wondering if this was part of the reason Poppy posted the question - as a way to try and normalise symptoms and reassure herself that she's actually OK. Again, I can't say conclusively whether she is or she isn't, but I really hope that her doctor is aware of everything she's shared here.

Thanks balletomane! I did not intend for this thread to become a health or psychiatric evaluation but since we are there, I will address. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, you appear to be more concerned than my own doctor!  She knows my history through prior medical records but was not my treating doctor 13-15 years ago when I struggled with AN.

Anyway, I s'pose all of what you wrote above, taken together, does sound alarming. But broken down it looks like this:  

The scale - my prior scale was old and inaccurate so bought a new digital one, I weigh myself once a day in the morn, not obsessively.  When I gain a pound or two, it's okay!  I don't freak out, it's fine!  

Rapid weight loss - I'm guilty of this, I recently lost 5 lbs in 3 days BUT not through starvation.  A healthy 700 calories a day.  I posted the diet plan on another thread a couple of days ago.  Balanced and healthy.   

I DO have a very small frame, so while I was 120 for a long time, I always wanted to be back down to 110. I consider this my "normal" weight.   A dancer's body (I used to dance pro).  A lot of pressure to be THIN in that industry which I think is why I developed AN in the first place, among other things.  

Low potassium - My blood test revealed level at 3.2.  A tad lower than the norm, 3.5 - 5.2.  Doctor said under 2.5 is major cause for concern, so I'm okay there, just gotta watch it.. Sodium level was normal, calcium, kidneys, all normal. 

The main reason I started this thread was to figure out how to balance my fiance's desire for me to gain against my desire to remain as is.  

He is a pro photographer and photographs lots of things, including sometimes beautiful women.  I feel a lot of pressure to be "perfect."  My own self-imposed pressure.  

I've always been this way even before him.  An obsessive need to be perfect.  Ever since a young girl in grammar school.  Perfect grades, I used to throw up before school every day.  No joke.

Even on LS, my posts, I laugh at myself sometimes as I go back to edit my posts, NOT always to add content but because I had a typo or a friggin comma was missing or something ridiculous, it's crazy how obsessive I am! 🤣

I'm still in therapy and figuring this all out, a lot to unravel.

Re my fiance, will talk to him tonight.  We are both so open, I would have addressed it last night but needed time to think about it.  And I am super happy I created this thread because y'all gave me plenty to think about and consider.  

Thank you all so much, I will update tomorrow after we talk. 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

BMI is highly inaccurate.   A guy with big muscles will show as obese.

I agree. It’s an oversimplified diagnostic method for assessing a person’s overall health but it's still used as a screening tool.

 

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Re my fiance, will talk to him tonight.  We are both so open, I would have addressed it last night but needed time to think about it.  And I am super happy I created this thread because y'all gave me plenty to think about and consider.  

Good-luck poppy!

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I agree. It’s an oversimplified diagnostic method for assessing a person’s overall health but it's still used as a screening tool. 

Yes, it's a generic screening tool.  But my response was aimed at poster who said she is underweight using nothing more than a BMI.   At best, those of us sitting at the other end of a screen can only suggest that she may be underweight and to see a doctor if she's concerned.

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I've always been this way even before him.  An obsessive need to be perfect.  Ever since a young girl in grammar school. 

I relate to the perfectionism, to an extent. 

I finally learned that nothing's perfect - perfection is an illusion. For me it was freeing to understand this. I still aim high, but embrace natural human error. 

[Wiseman2]

Just be yourself. If you're already with your fiance, then you both need to accept each other as you are. 

Be together but maintain your own identies. It's unclear why your size, eating habits,etc. are any of his business.

Don't make it his business. It's between you, your doctors and therapists.

[Crazelnut]

700 calories!? Rapid weight loss, severely restricted intake, daily weighing, self-imposed need to look perfect, multiple people telling you that you're too thin ... Sorry, poppy, but you still have a problem. I recognize it all -- been there, done that. Please get help.

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

700 calories!? Rapid weight loss, severely restricted intake, daily weighing, self-imposed need to look perfect, multiple people telling you that you're too thin ... Sorry, poppy, but you still have a problem. I recognize it all -- been there, done that. Please get help.

Yes I am, thanks.  I'm in therapy, thought I mentioned.  

Fiance and I talked last night.   Yes he's quite concerned; he knows my history.  Knows I've been under lots of stress lately, especially my job. 

With covid, there have been layoffs, I am literally the only one running the show.  Juggling 3 different job roles!  

Anyway, it was an emotional talk but a good one. 😂

Thanks again for all your support.  You guys the best. 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

Meditation really helps. Even 5 minutes here and there. Be good to yourself and do whatever you can to alleviate stress. These are trying times - gotta stay strong (((hug)))

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Meditation really helps. Even 5 minutes here and there. Be good to yourself and do whatever you can to alleviate stress. These are trying times - gotta stay strong (((hug)))

Thanks so much Ruby!  I do Yoga which helps, perhaps I will try meditation as well.  That and more sex? ☺️

 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Libby1]

On 11/25/2020 at 6:14 PM, poppyfields said:

Hi guys, this is a spinoff of the thread created by a woman who asked her boyfriend if she's fat, but with a different twist.  My fiance' thinks I'm too skinny. 🙄  I did not ask, we got to talking about a related topic and he mentioned it.

So a bit of context, I've always had  body image issues since a young girl.  I've suffered and recovered from a pretty severe eating disorder that nearly killed me.  

After recovery, for years, I maintained a weight between 105-110 lbs, my height is 5'6".  Size 0-2 U.S.

I felt great at this weight, I loved my body!   My bra size was 34B. 😳

Fast forward, I gained which brought me to 117-125 lbs.  Which is average for 5'6" but I'd rather be back to between 108-110 lbs. 

When I met my now fiance, I was 120 lbs.  He always had a preference for  larger "full-figured" women but I went up to a C cup so he liked that!   Lol

I still preferred myself at the lesser weight though.  

Fast forward to now.  I am back down to 110 lbs, and I am super happy about this!

But my fiance told me last night, he thinks I am too thin and encouraged me (gently) to gain to at least where I was when we met -  120 lbs.    

 

I'm sorry to hear your earlier life was plagued by a serious eating disorder.  A friend of mine died from anorexia.  It's a terrible, sad and complex condition.  Whenever she was at a healthy weight (after a spell as an in patient - she was in and out of hospital throughout her life) she was absolutely beautiful, but by the time she died the extreme weight loss made her look as if she was 80 years old.  She wasn't even out of her thirties.

Since you've been treated for anorexia, you'll already know that 110 pounds at 5 ft 6" falls into the medically underweight category.  Obviously plenty of people out there function quite easily, on a day to day basis, at medically underweight levels - and certain professions (fashion, the arts...) push for women to be medically underweight, which doesn't help when it comes to tackling eating disordered thinking and behaviour in our society.

120 pounds is still a pretty low weight for your height.  .While you might talk about skinny shaming, it isn't necessarily a case of people wanting to shame women of that weight so much as it's about being acquainted with reality.  That reality being that 120 pounds would be a pretty difficult weight for most women of 5 ft 6" to maintain without featuring some behaviour that professionals in the relevant field would regard as eating disordered.  Lots of women do, of course, have some degree of eating disordered behaviour - given the social pressure on young girls to be very slim.  In your case, you have a history where an eating disorder almost killed you.  Now you've started a thread which is likely to attract other women who are particularly vulnerable to eating disorders.  What begins as a superficially supportive "why do people shame us for being slim?" conversation can very easily trigger those competitive urges that result in people secretly thinking "if she's 110 pounds, then I want to be 105 pounds" and so on.

A lot of people will have known somebody who has had a very serious eating disorder, and those people will be well acquainted with the eating disordered/pro-ana subtext these apparently innocent "why do people shame me for being slim" discussions often have.  You wouldn't, presumably, want some impressionable 13 year old of a perfectly healthy weight reading this thread and thinking "does this mean I need to lose 20 pounds", would you?

[poppyfields]

Thanks Libby.  Of course I don't want to send the wrong message to young girls.  And I would not encourage anorexia on anyone. 

However, it's all so subjective.   I am healthy, I exercise, eat healthy, and other than a slightly below normal potassium reading, my blood readings were all within normal range.  

Posted earlier, as have others, I have a small frame.   So 110-120 US pounds is my "normal."  On a woman with larger frame, it would not be.  

My doctor confirmed this.  

The issue right now is why my weight is suddenly becoming an issue for me.  I admit, I dropped the 10 pounds extremely fast.  700 cals a day.  Healthy meals with veg and protein, but very little caloric content.  

Since "recovering" from AN, it's been an off and on struggle due to stresses and such. 

My fiance is concerned about this too because at the rate I'm currently going, I could easily fall back to my previous unhealthy ways, and become unhealthy again.  Get too low.   Below my normal.

So this is what my fiance and I discussed last night and what I am focusing on now and will address with my therapist next week.  I'm on it!  

Thanks again for chiming in!  

[Libby1]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The issue right now is why my weight is suddenly becoming an issue for me.  I admit, I dropped the 10 pounds extremely fast.  700 cals a day.  Healthy meals with veg and protein, but very little caloric content.  

 

Yeah.  It's the sort of diet a lot of women might follow on a short term basis, without suffering ill effects...but of course, your historic struggles with anorexia make it a riskier venture.  I'm glad you'll be meeting with your therapist in order to monitor it and prevent it from triggering something more extreme.

My friend used to point out all sorts of behaviours I had which she said an eating disorders unit would class as "eating disordered".  Stuff that perfectly respectable mainstream magazines advocate as diet tips.  Eating food from a smaller plate to kid your body that you're eating more than you are, drinking lots of water etc.  My eyes were opened by the rules surrounding mealtimes that the unit would impose on in patients.  Sometimes I'd think "come on...surely that can't be a good idea?"  In particular, the insistence on feeding patients high fat foods, not allowing anything that was advertised as "low calorie" (diet drinks, etc).  I felt like it created a power struggle...but I was only seeing it from the perspective of being friends with one particular patient who was highly resistant to treatment.  Most of the patients in there wanted to get better, and that's where the rules made sense in terms of training people away from thinking obsessively about calorie intake.

 

[Libby1]

On 11/25/2020 at 7:58 PM, ShyViolet said:

If it's not about his preference at all, if it's a genuine concern for her health, then he should have said that.  But he said he "likes the way it looks" better.  Which instills the idea that she needs to be a certain weight in order to be ATTRACTIVE, in order to look good to HIM, a very damaging and unhelpful idea for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder.  

This is such a good point.  I think poppyfield's boyfriend probably has very good intentions and is trying to be helpful when he tells her that he finds her more attractive at a higher weight - but encouraging somebody in poppyfield's position to focus on any particular weight goal, whether higher or lower, enables an unhealthy relationship with the bathroom scales when the best thing she could do would be to chuck those scales out altogether.  I mentioned before that complaints about being thin-shamed can develop into somewhat pro-ana discussions, but I suppose the other side of it is that telling people with an eating disorder that they're too thin enables and encourages that preoccupation with weight and body shape. 

Somebody with an eating disorder might have attained a medically ideal weight for their height and body type, and might be receiving all sorts of congratulations for "getting well" from people who have no idea that actually, that person is continuing to wreck their body by purging in secret in order to maintain their revised version of what their ideal weight is.  If the mind is still preoccupied with what the scales say, and how many calories they consumed today, how many calories they burned etc, then physical signs that tell the casual observer "all's well with this person now" could be very misleading.  

Poppy, I'm glad you and your boyfriend are discussing this...and that hopefully as a result of your discussions he's learning that as well intentioned as his comments are, your mental wellbeing should be more of a focus than the issue of whether you should put on 10 pounds...and that he'll help you more by avoiding too much focus on things like weight and physical appearance.  I'm tentative about saying this, since I'm no expert, but I should think that if you were 110 pounds but not spending time thinking about scales, calories etc, even if that's a bit underweight you're probably still in a healthier place than you are when you're focusing on and thinking very rigidly about diet, food and weight related matters.  It is, after all, fundamentally a mental health condition - though obviously it can manifest in ways that are seriously detrimental to your physical health.  I don't think anybody could seriously deny, however, that no matter how nutritious and well balanced you made it, your recent very low calorie crash diet is not a healthy path for somebody with your medical history to take.

Edited November 26, 2020 by Libby1

[poppyfields]

Thank you Libby but I hope you will continue reading the thread because what ShyViolet posted, the post you quoted, has been refuted, that is not what my fiance said at all.  

To clarify he never said I look "better" nor did he say he "found me more attractive" at 120.

These are things ShyViolet and perhaps you inferred not what he said. 

He simply said he'd prefer for me to gain a few, back to where I was when we met.  He made a point to tell me he finds me beautiful and very attracted to me.  This was all posted in the thread.  

I dont mean to sound so defensive but when things I've posted are misinterpreted or taken out of context, I prefer to speak up to set the record straight.  

Anyway as I said, we talked last night and I understand why he said it and continuing with my therapy.  

It's all good, thanks!  

[poppyfields]

On 11/25/2020 at 10:44 AM, poppyfields said:

Knowing I'm healthy would satisfy my brothers, but with my fiance, I think it's more related to looks and while he said he thinks I'm beautiful and attracted, apparently he liked me better when I was 10-15 heavier. 😳

Libby, I read back through my posts and I did say this^ (bolded).  That was MY take on what he said, my interpretation, not what he said nor after speaking last night what he meant. 

I understand how that might be construed though.  

Gotta run, it's a holiday here!   Thanks again!