I feel I made a mistake breaking up with my ex, four years ago.

[ironpony]

I know it's a long time but she recently got married and it hit me really hard.  We were having problems so I decided to end it but it was very hard for me, since we almost got married ourselves.  I posted about it on here way back then, and in these threads:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/577101-wrong-jerk-ish-me-ask-my-girlfriend-pre-nup-if-we-got-married

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/544812-my-girlfriend-too-much-about-money

I guess I just feel I made a terrible mistake.  I know I can't rectify it now, but just wondering if I made a bad mistake, and cheated myself.  What do you think?  But thanks for any honest advice and input.  I really appreciate it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm sorry you're feeling you made a mistake, ironpony. But, I think the two of you were incompatible being as your views on how to spend money were so different. Money is a big issue in marriages. From what I've heard, it's often as big a deal or bigger than the issue of sex is.

[Commongoal123]

Regardless bud, the best thing you can do is learn from it, accept how things have panned out with this, move on, find peace with yourself, and live your life.

[Miss Spider]

I think it is normal to look back and wonder “what if”. Also, you are very removed from the problems you had emotionally back then with her. It’s easier to look at the relationship more fondly and have regret. Especially now, where are you see she is happily married. This is particularly the case if you are coming from a position where you don’t have a viable romantic interest or dealing with the scarcity. I think that feeling will fade when you meet someone you like. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Maldives]

Nah I just read your two stories trust me your better off. She seemed to have way high expectations of you and yet brang very little to the table herself I'm talking financially as well. Nothing wrong with you wanting a pre nup it's just a negotiation. you have more to lose if it doesn't work out then her so of course your going to be more for it and I would bet money on it she would be thinking the same way if it was the other way round. She reminded me of my ex wife and those terribly boring endless family gatherings. I hardly saw my own side and lost touch with friends. She comes across pushy and manipulative too. So no don't feel you blew it you just loved her more so then she did. God it made my blood boil reading about her character lol  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

If you think you blew the relationship over petty nonsense, then the only thing you can do is to learn from it and do better next time.

[trident_2020]

I read over your old threads.

No matter how much you liked her it NEVER would have worked. You were told that by countless posters over dozens of pages on 2 related threads and 4 years later you're asking the same questions.

Get over it. Get over her and move on with your life.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I took a quick look at your other threads, and I think you did the right thing moving on. She clearly wanted a more traditional provider type man, and you're not that, so there would have been no end to your disagreements.

I kind of know how you feel. I tend to look back at every relationship for quite a long time and wonder if I made the right decision in moving on. But what I always come back to is that I ended it for good reasons. I never end a relationship without giving it a lot of deep consideration, and I always try to resolve the issues in many different ways before I throw in the towel.

I try to let it go, wish any exes the best in their future endeavors, and focus on my own present and future.

[ironpony]

But maybe I was being wrong or an irresponsible provider and did not have a good attitude I feel now.  For example, one of the reasons why she was more dependant on money was because of her Dad's health problems.

The reason why I am having second thoughs, is because I found out about a year ago, she married a man she hardly new in person.  She flew to Beirut and married him and lives with him now.  But I am very concerned about her.  She leaves even though she was all worried about her Dad's health problem to go a a country, which no offense to Lebanese, is probably not the best place for a foriegner to come and marry into.

So I am really worried now and that's where all these what ifs are coming from now, for me.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's not your problem. You did the best you could at the time. Maybe her husband is wealthy and sends money back to her family and this is enough for her. She has her journey and you have yours.

[ironpony]

Well I guess the whole thing just makes me feel inadequate.  Was I not being enough of a man by not supporting her more do you think?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Well I guess the whole thing just makes me feel inadequate.

If you feel inadequate, what is stopping you from exploring careers/vocations that will earn a "living wage"??

You can't change what has happened in the past, but you can be more prepared for your future relationships.

[ironpony]

Nothing is stopping me from doing that I don't think.  I didn't think my job had anything to do with why I wasn't providing for my ex gf, but maybe it was my attitude, or so I thought?

[Ruby Slippers]

To what extent you want to be a provider as a man in relationships is up to you. I exclusively date men who are comfortable as providers. Women are wired to select for providers. Some women are OK pulling the weight financially, but most are not. According to research, about 80% of women have no interest in romantic relationships with men who earn and provide less financially than they do. 

I'm pretty sure that if I were a man, I'd make it a top priority to be financially strong and capable of handling the expenses of traditional courtship and so on. I'd also be very selective with whom I dated and how I spent my money. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Do you think that maybe I wasn't providing enough, or that maybe there were times when she wanted me to provide too much, and would change her story sometimes, if I didn't?  Or should I just have provided more?

[Happy Lemming]

@ironpony In my experience, if a woman can get a "bigger wallet", most will go for it. I can guarantee you this is the reason why your ex moved to Beirut and married that guy.  His wallet was probably much bigger than yours.

I've had it happen time and time again (to me).  It doesn't bother me one bit and I just move on to the next woman.  If the woman thinks she can do better, let her try.  I'm not going to work extra jobs or over spend my budget to attempt to keep her around.  Plenty of fish in the sea, NEXT!!

My present long term girlfriend has called me "cheap" so many times, I think its my middle name.  If a guy with more money came along and showed interest in her, she'd be gone in a flash.  Again, this doesn't bother me... fish got to swim, birds got to fly.

Let it go...

[Ruby Slippers]

I disagree that it's all about the wallet - maybe for some women, but not all. I've dated men with crazy money - but because the connection was lukewarm, I moved on. If money were my top priority, I'd have been a multi-millionaire by marriage long ago.

I think asking for a prenup was probably the straw that broke the camel's back. Unless the difference in wealth is dramatic (like $2 million+), most women aren't going to go for that. Dave Ramsey talks about this a lot on his radio show, advises men and women not to marry in those cases. Yes - men, too. There was a man who called in and said his girlfriend was a doctor who earned more than him and hence wanted a prenup. He said don't marry her, because she loves her money and status more than she loves you. I completely agree. Again, it's different if one is a millionaire and the other is not - but I'm pretty sure that's not the case here.

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Well I don't understand this whole thing about why people think prenups are more acceptable when it comes to rich people.  Rich people can afford to pay more allimony so therefore, they do not need prenups as much compared to people with less money, do they?  Therefore, why is a prenup insulting, if the person asking, does not have as much money to pay allimony with, compared to a rich person?

Also, did I make a mistake by saying I wanted a -prenup, and lost a good gf because of that mistake, or was my ex too much about money, or no?

Edited December 14, 2020 by ironpony

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Also, did I make a mistake by saying I wanted a -prenup, and lost a good gf because of that mistake...

Nope... she was after a bigger wallet and found one in Beirut...  end of story.

In my opinion, there is never a good reason to get married.  The man always loses and loses big.

Stay single and happy, my friend!!

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not going to get into a big discussion about prenups here. I do think a lot of women would be turned off enough by a guy asking for one that they'd just leave - myself included. (I'd make an exception for a very large disparity in assets - Dave Ramsey's guideline is $2 million+ difference, and that's mainly because extended family can sometimes get crazy when a lot of money enters the equation, and nobody wants that.) 

If you're more concerned about potential losses in marriage than looking forward to potential gains, I think you probably should avoid marriage. 

Edited December 14, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  And that is why I feel I may have had the wrong attitude.  But a couple of people told me tha the prenup was fair and it's not like I would get most of everything.  So even if I discuss a fair prenup with a person that is still not good and there should be no prenup at all, even if you discuss it with them to come up with something you both could agree on?

Edited December 14, 2020 by ironpony

[Happy Lemming]

Instead of worrying about a pre-nup, I think you should spend more time & energy thinking about what career/trade you can train for.

Your first priority should be to earn a "living wage", so you can move out of your parents' home and into an apartment or small house.

[ironpony]

Yes I should do that as well, I as just talking about my ex in this thread...

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Yes I should do that as well, I as just talking about my ex in this thread...

Yes, but the ultimate reason for her leaving was money related and the protection of assets through the use of a prenuptial agreement.

Without a "living wage" career what assets are you trying to protect with a prenuptial agreement??

[ironpony]

Just the assets I have so far.  Money I saved up.