Is my boyfriend only half invested in me?

[boymommy]

17 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

Thanks for your input. How did you communicate your feelings your boyfriend and how did he try to come closer? Do you feel like his efforts are consistent and it makes you feel more connected?

I had a very real open discussion with him about where I was at and told him what I needed from him in a direct and honest way. It was scary to be that vulnerable after enduring such traumatic abuse from my ex husband (and in previous relationships as well) but I bit the bullet and did it. He was quite receptive and made efforts to remedy his behavior. Where I notice that I struggle is if he is not 100% perfect I can pick up on this in the drop of a hat and immediately have an issue with it. It puts a huge strain on us and I feel terrible because I feel like I am holding my boyfriend to an impossible standard and change doesn't happen instantaneously. I feel that my issue is that after being in such abusive relationships I have a very low tolerance for b.s. from men so anyone giving me less then 100% is unacceptable in my book. BUT I need to find a balance between "drill sergeant girlfriend" and holding my boyfriend accountable. I basically didn't know my boyfriend had dropped the ball over time so much that I fear that if I let him get away with an inch he'll take a mile, so to speak. 

This is a hard place to  be when you have trauma like us and are asking someone to make changes in a relationship. There is a lot of strain and fear and instability. So long story short, yes I feel more connected to him due to his efforts but he's not 100% perfect which admittedly freaks me out and does a number on me. Communicating this to him is not always successful as he seems to feel inadequeate as a result. 

[boymommy]

18 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

Thanks for sharing your story. When you communicated with him that you’d like for him to initiate, did he step up and change? Was that change consistent and he reaches out more now or do you still feel like you have to reach out first often?

As I said in my last post..he did step up and take the lead more often but at times when he is pre-occupied with work he has issues multi-tasking and forgets. This is where he is not 100% perfect in this area and I tend to get upset quickly when I have to reach out more often because I tend to get burned out..but not exactly because I am the one reaching out more it's because when I am talking to him I feel like our communication is breaking down and it's like talking to a brick wall during the times. He isn't being open or expressive and this is what I have a problem with (not so much that I am initiating more of the contact). So in reality its his lack of openness and expressness that is the issue moreso then me having to reach out more. When he keeps me in the loop and tells me whats going on with him I do way better...possibly because of my past trauma I have anxiety in this area and this helps me a lot. But when he reverts back to his closed off persona I get very freaked out very quickly and communication breaks down fast. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op, your story resonated with me. We share a similar relationship history,  although I’m quite a bit older than you. 
 

Like you, after a history of abusive relationships I “overcorrected” (as one poster quite adequately put it). I started to date men the complete opposite of my over controlling and obsessive exes. 
 

However a word of caution:  Different and opposite does not equal a perfect match for you. Just because this guy is different it doesn’t mean he’s right for you. 
 

A man who is interested will show healthy interest without being obsessive. This guy is not showing you healthy interest. He is showing disinterest which means he doesn’t see your value. He’s not enthusiastic about you, hence he feels no desire to protect you. 
 

Stop wasting your time with this man. It’s not going to progress any further and why would you want it to? Listen to how you feel and don’t be so preoccupied with the fact that he’s different. He isn’t right for you. End of story. 
 

 

 

[curlygirl40]

On 11/25/2020 at 10:06 PM, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

Thanks for your input.  I actually already brought this up with him before and said I think we should keep in touch/see each other more and that I don’t want  a part time relationship, but not much has changed. I’m also wondering, if he really is scared/insecure, shouldn’t he feel more secure now that I’m his girlfriend? Which is why I’m wondering if he really is just keeping me at bay because he doesn’t want to invest or like you said this is just how he is in relationships. I guess I need to re-evaluate.

I feel like you've done all you can and he's not responding.   I'm not agreeing that he could be insecure, afraid, etc. if you've had this conversation with him, you've tried to initiate more contact/get togethers, you're exclusive, etc.  and he's not stepping up then there's something else going on.   Likely low interest or this is just the type of relationship he wants.   People have different needs in relationships and maybe he just doesn't need more so he's trying to keep it where it is.   I feel like most people, if they really like someone and that someone says 'I need this or that, I'm feeling this or that...' they will step up and try to accommodate to not lose the relationship.  And he's not doing that, so that is a huge sign to me.   

[Fletch Lives]

Hmmm, there are some red flags here..........he takes days to respond to a text..........young people who only see each other once a week...I'd say he's kinda into you, but not that much.

[Whodatdog]

In every relationship there has to be a next step. What is the next step here? Or is he just satisfied with seeing you once in a while, texting now and again. It may work for him, but Im not seeing it work for you.