Is my boyfriend only half invested in me?

November 25, 2020

I recently became exclusive with my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for about four months. I’m in my late 20s and he’s in his early 30s. I have a full time job in social work but he is in business school and is currently only taking classes and not working. My friends consider me to be more attractive than him. Some of them were surprised when they saw him in passing because he looked so different from the types of guys I usually date. He is definitely not my usual type but I am still attracted to him.

I must say I come from a history of dating guys who usually came on very strong in the beginning and ended up in crash and burn situations where they ended up becoming obsessive or controlling or emotionally abusive.

So when I first started dating my current boyfriend I liked that he was the polar opposite of my ex. This new guy was very calm, smart, and not aggressive. He also wasn’t coming on too strong and did not demand too much of my time or attention. We would see each other once a week, sometimes twice and he would text me once every few days. I liked that he was not obsessed over me and that he was taking time to get to know me. We also didn’t become physically intimate right away, it was about a month in before we slept together.

however, I started to feel that we weren’t really getting much closer emotionally. I really enjoyed our time together but we only met each other once a week on the weekends and we would spend one night together and spend half the day following. The rest of the week we barely keep in touch, just a text here and there and more to set up plans. In person, we do have good smart conversations and we have a lot of interests in common.

After we became exclusive, he told me he was still keeping in touch with his ex and that sometimes he’d be meeting a female friend but that nothing was going on and it’s platonic. I appreciated his honesty and understood that we all come with baggage at this age. But it did bother me a little bit. He also told me that in the past he used to be cautious and afraid of getting close in relationships because he thought his partners might not be attracted to him and was looking for better.

I feel close to him when we are together in person, but when we are apart, I feel disconnected from him. I opened up to him about this and he started sending a few extra texts but it still feels disengaged. When I tried initiating, he would reply but it would still take him days to reach out again. I feel like we are following a “schedule” of limited contact then see each other once a week. We do live a little far apart but I know he doesn’t have a busy work schedule or large social circle. He has been consistent with the weekly hangouts and always shows up, but I feel like I can’t reach out to him more outside of that because we have been following this routine for a while, so it feels weird to randomly call him. I also don’t want to pressure him to see him more. I’ve also never had to do that before with anyone in the past.

Another thing is, we usually Dutch pay most of the time. He does pay for things sometimes. I’m not cheap and I don’t mind paying, but sometimes when he doesn’t pay for me for something small like a cup of coffee I feel confused cause I’m used to guys who always pay for me. The other day I was confronted by some scary guys on the street but he didn’t do anything to step up and pull me away. My doubts started creeping in. My mother always tells me I should look for a man who is protective of me.

Am I just being paranoid because I’m still traumatized by my past relationships? I don’t want to be dismissive and look for trouble but I also don’t want to ignore any red flags. I’m so used to being with guys who always want to talk to me and see me all the time that I’m not sure what is a “normal” or healthy amount of investment and attention. I’m wondering if he’s trying not to be overwhelming to me to scare me off or whether he is just not prioritizing me enough.

Is it normal to see your SO just once a week and not keep in touch that much? Does he seem only half invested?

Edited November 25, 2020 by Pinkwaterlilies88

November 25, 2020

You are trying to find excuses to exit.

have you asked him on his perspective of events and why he didn’t protect you as you thought?

it’s not clear as to why only once a week? Schedule conflict? You live far apart?

November 25, 2020

Wow I kind of feel like I could have written this myself except I am 3 years into my relationship and we are older then you and both divorced with kids. He doe not contact any exes though other then his ex wife who he shares custody of though.

I have processed this situation I am in..I have concluded that it's not a guy who's "not into you" or not "invested in you." What we are both dealing with is a calmer more "beta" type guy who really doesn't like taking the lead in the relationship and defers that to the woman. It comes off as very lazy though and almost like a lack of effort or lack of investment in the relationship. However as you said they are very consistent and reliable and always show up no matter what which does NOT fit the profile of someone who shows a lack of effort or lack of investment.

I think he wants you to be the leader in the relationship and reach out to him. But thats terribly confusing because like you I have mostly had experiences where the guy is the leader not me so I look to him to do it and then I feel disconnected when we aren't talking. Most recently I have tried reaching out to him more. He is very receptive to this, however I find I get burned out very quickly so I have to watch how I take initiate at times and make sure I am taking time for myself. I also negotiated with my boyfriend for him to communicate with me when he feels he isn't interested in being as talkative or when he is busy...this is imperative because if he does want me to take the lead more often then he has to increase his communication.

I still find that the relationship works better for both of us when my boyfriend PRIMARILY leads the relationship but keeps me updated on any schedule changes or if he gets busy so that I know what is going on with him and we don't feel disconnected or miss each other. Basically so the relationship feels more reciprocal and I'm not the one doing all the work. I still don't know if this will actually work out given I like the guy to take the lead and I get burnt out so you'll have to think about if this is a task you want to take on and how you can manage it. Pros and cons for both for sure. The things I love about my boyfriend are that he is calm, sweet, and basically accomodates me a lot! It's amazing.

November 25, 2020

I am a firm believer that when guy is into you, you know. You won’t have any doubt about it. They show effort and want to be closer.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 25, 2020

2 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

He also told me that in the past he used to be cautious and afraid of getting close in relationships because he thought his partners might not be attracted to him and was looking for better.

I think he's pretty into you but is scared of getting too close. He also knows you're more attractive than him and doesn't sound like someone with a lot of self belief in this regard. He probably doesn't truly believe you are actually into him and that you're planning on dumping him at some point. Or that if he reaches out to you, that he will get rejected. As irrational as it sounds, there are men like this.

November 25, 2020

7 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

I think he's pretty into you but is scared of getting too close. He also knows you're more attractive than him and doesn't sound like someone with a lot of self belief in this regard. He probably doesn't truly believe you are actually into him and that you're planning on dumping him at some point. Or that if he reaches out to you, that he will get rejected. As irrational as it sounds, there are men like this.

Thanks for your viewpoint. What do you think is the best way to approach/respond to a man like this? Do I need to reassure him that I’m into him or just let him come at his own pace? Because even when I do try to show him or reach out, he still seems cautious or like he’s holding back.

November 25, 2020

18 minutes ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

Thanks for your viewpoint. What do you think is the best way to approach/respond to a man like this? Do I need to reassure him that I’m into him or just let him come at his own pace? Because even when I do try to show him or reach out, he still seems cautious or like he’s holding back.

hard to say, I think it sounds like it could be due time for just finding out what his perspective is on things first. depending on what he says, yeah, let him know that you're into him and that it would make you happy if he texted first. and then maybe respond to his texts with some extra enthusiasm to encourage him.

Edited November 25, 2020 by ccas93

November 25, 2020

7 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

So when I first started dating my current boyfriend I liked that he was the polar opposite of my ex.

he was still keeping in touch with his ex and that sometimes he’d be meeting a female friend

Sorry to hear that. Why is it long distance? Do either of you live with parents? Who supports him?

There's quite a few red flags for dating only 16 weeks.

You're comparing him to your exes and he's talking to his ex.

He's clearly not invested and keeping you at arms length. He's been pushing you away in words and actions.

It may be best to reflect if cutting your losses early on would be better than trying to force-fit things or fix or change him.

Unfortunately it seems like he is just not that into you.

November 25, 2020

8 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

He also told me that in the past he used to be cautious and afraid of getting close in relationships because he thought his partners might not be attracted to him and was looking for better.

When I first started seeing the guy I'm currently I was a bit intimated by his physical appearance because he is excellent physical shape but I am no longer concerned with it.

I wonder how much of an issue this has been for him in the past? Might be something to consider...

November 25, 2020

hmmmm a wide range of responses on this one. I would guess that whether anything is inherently "right" or "wrong" about what he is doing (or not doing) or whether it has meaning of how "into" you he is, that the real reason is that this is his way of connecting with a girlfriend. And it seems like it's not compatible with your way of expressing yourself with a boyfriend and what you need a boyfriend to do for you as far as expression and level of contact.

I'd give him a little leeway because he's in B-school which can be all encompassing but otherwise you two simply might be incompatible. Like it's good but not AMAZING. This is hard to decide if you should break it off with someone because there are less negative reasons to latch onto. But it can still be lackluster and unfulfilling. Could you imagine a lifetime with someone who essentially leaves you feeling like you are alone in a way?

BTW, I think that he talks to his ex or girl friends is a non-issue though admittedly with the lack of presence in your life it is possible. Honestly, it could be another girl altogether. I think that's sometimes something people overlook when they cry wolf about an ex gf when a lot of time worrying behavior is just as likely or more likely that it's some girl who might not be on your radar. Especially if he's been transparent about his ex gf and his girl friends. Not saying this about your guy, but liars often tell you truths about something truthful so they throw you off the track of something dishonest--which is what your gut can sometimes be reacting to. Just saying. I actually don't think this is going on based on what you have said so far. You might need to give more context if you feel there is a chance he is cheating or dating others.

I think that he is just a low effort guy in SOME ways--ways that are important to you (which I would agree with you on). Some people are just disconnected types of people and fine with it, like their alone time, which is hard if you are craving the closeness and connectedness that one expects in a relationship. I think you should give it a little more chance and even find a way to talk to him about it, and if it's not getting better in a month or two, move on--just because this will be unfulfilling to you. Good luck!

November 25, 2020

7 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I think he's pretty into you but is scared of getting too close. He also knows you're more attractive than him and doesn't sound like someone with a lot of self belief in this regard. He probably doesn't truly believe you are actually into him and that you're planning on dumping him at some point. Or that if he reaches out to you, that he will get rejected. As irrational as it sounds, there are men like this.

Yes this is my boyfriend’s issue for sure!

November 25, 2020

He's probably getting his emotional needs met by his ex so that's why he keeps talking to her. Then he talks to you a few times during the week, see's you on weekend for sex and that's all he needs. You aren't happy, you expressed to him what you want, he can't or won't do it, so you two aren't compatible. I agree with the poster who said if a man wants you he wants to be in contact both physically and emotionally. He's certainly protective. Why would those guys approach you on the street with your boyfriend there? Did they threaten you?

November 25, 2020

7 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

Thanks for your viewpoint. What do you think is the best way to approach/respond to a man like this? Do I need to reassure him that I’m into him or just let him come at his own pace? Because even when I do try to show him or reach out, he still seems cautious or like he’s holding back.

You can do that and yes it does help. In many ways my boyfriend has come closer and really wanted to work on not pushing me away or keeping me at arms length.

But some things don’t change and he is the way he is. I think he may always (potentially) hold someone at arms length and I dont know exactly if its something missing from our relationship or he does that in general..or a combo. I set an internal clock for myself given he is still very willing to work on things together. I am willing to walk away after that if things dont evolve. That would be my suggestion. Otherwise you may end up sacrificing yourself

November 25, 2020

Sounds like you are not a good match, not compatible.

I think you know that already. This relationship is going nowhere, he won't change and it won't get better. It's who he is.

It clearly makes you unhappy so better find someone who actually matches your expectations.

November 25, 2020

I don't see any actual "red flags" here. It sounds like you are looking for things to be wrong. You said that your past boyfriends were obsessive, controlling or emotionally abusive. Now you finally have a guy who is NOT that, and it feels strange to you, you are not used to it, and you are looking for there to be things wrong.

There's not enough evidence to assume that there's "something going on" between him and his ex... that is a bit paranoid.

November 25, 2020

He's not the one simple as that. I totally get it. I have dated guys that were great and all but they seem mediocre/boring/just ok. You want some intensity/connection/feel really desired, them being a man taking the lead, etc. This guy isn't cutting it. There is nothing wrong with you. My guess he's trying to do the players book by being somewhat aloof between dates, not putting you up on a pedestal. But he's missing his mark. He's not building sexual tension/desire....it's kinda half baked on the dates. After 4 months and it's like this? I wouldn't have waited this long to send him on his way.

November 25, 2020

12 hours ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

I recently became exclusive with my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for about four months. I’m in my late 20s and he’s in his early 30s. I have a full time job in social work but he is in business school and is currently only taking classes and not working. My friends consider me to be more attractive than him. Some of them were surprised when they saw him in passing because he looked so different from the types of guys I usually date. He is definitely not my usual type but I am still attracted to him.

I must say I come from a history of dating guys who usually came on very strong in the beginning and ended up in crash and burn situations where they ended up becoming obsessive or controlling or emotionally abusive.

So when I first started dating my current boyfriend I liked that he was the polar opposite of my ex. This new guy was very calm, smart, and not aggressive. He also wasn’t coming on too strong and did not demand too much of my time or attention. We would see each other once a week, sometimes twice and he would text me once every few days. I liked that he was not obsessed over me and that he was taking time to get to know me. We also didn’t become physically intimate right away, it was about a month in before we slept together.

however, I started to feel that we weren’t really getting much closer emotionally. I really enjoyed our time together but we only met each other once a week on the weekends and we would spend one night together and spend half the day following. The rest of the week we barely keep in touch, just a text here and there and more to set up plans. In person, we do have good smart conversations and we have a lot of interests in common.

After we became exclusive, he told me he was still keeping in touch with his ex and that sometimes he’d be meeting a female friend but that nothing was going on and it’s platonic. I appreciated his honesty and understood that we all come with baggage at this age. But it did bother me a little bit. He also told me that in the past he used to be cautious and afraid of getting close in relationships because he thought his partners might not be attracted to him and was looking for better.

I feel close to him when we are together in person, but when we are apart, I feel disconnected from him. I opened up to him about this and he started sending a few extra texts but it still feels disengaged. When I tried initiating, he would reply but it would still take him days to reach out again. I feel like we are following a “schedule” of limited contact then see each other once a week. We do live a little far apart but I know he doesn’t have a busy work schedule or large social circle. He has been consistent with the weekly hangouts and always shows up, but I feel like I can’t reach out to him more outside of that because we have been following this routine for a while, so it feels weird to randomly call him. I also don’t want to pressure him to see him more. I’ve also never had to do that before with anyone in the past.

Another thing is, we usually Dutch pay most of the time. He does pay for things sometimes. I’m not cheap and I don’t mind paying, but sometimes when he doesn’t pay for me for something small like a cup of coffee I feel confused cause I’m used to guys who always pay for me. The other day I was confronted by some scary guys on the street but he didn’t do anything to step up and pull me away. My doubts started creeping in. My mother always tells me I should look for a man who is protective of me.

Am I just being paranoid because I’m still traumatized by my past relationships? I don’t want to be dismissive and look for trouble but I also don’t want to ignore any red flags. I’m so used to being with guys who always want to talk to me and see me all the time that I’m not sure what is a “normal” or healthy amount of investment and attention. I’m wondering if he’s trying not to be overwhelming to me to scare me off or whether he is just not prioritizing me enough.

Is it normal to see your SO just once a week and not keep in touch that much? Does he seem only half invested?

It looks like he is half invested.

Especially since you said he also spends time on or with other women.

This is the best it's going to be for now. You have to decide if you're ok with it or find a partner who can give you what you need and is invested in you the same way

November 25, 2020

I think that it's one of two things. Either he's not invested/not as interested as you are, or this is just the way he wants the relationship. Overall, I think if he's happy with how things are going (whatever the reason) and you are not, then you aren't compatible. Not right or wrong, just different. You have to decide if it's o.k with you.

I personally don't think you can establish a close relationship, one that is going somewhere, if you're only seeing each other once a week and have limited contact aside from that one meeting. I think for things to progress, at the 4 month mark, you should be seeing each other more often. So maybe he doesn't want that.

So again, not that it's right or wrong, but if you're not happy with the pace, you do need to figure out what the issue is.

I think it's as simple as 'I'd like to spend more time together' and see what he says/does. If he's insecure, if he really likes you but is afraid, if his schedule is busy, whatever the reasons are, you can't get any clearer than that. So if he doesn't step up, then it's time to re-evaluate.

To me, the fact that you try to initiate mid week and he doesn't carry the conversation or doesn't use it as a sign that you'd like to be in more contact shows me it's not that he wants that also and is afraid like others have suggested.

Best of luck

November 25, 2020

16 hours ago, boymommy said:

Wow I kind of feel like I could have written this myself except I am 3 years into my relationship and we are older then you and both divorced with kids. He doe not contact any exes though other then his ex wife who he shares custody of though.

I have processed this situation I am in..I have concluded that it's not a guy who's "not into you" or not "invested in you." What we are both dealing with is a calmer more "beta" type guy who really doesn't like taking the lead in the relationship and defers that to the woman. It comes off as very lazy though and almost like a lack of effort or lack of investment in the relationship. However as you said they are very consistent and reliable and always show up no matter what which does NOT fit the profile of someone who shows a lack of effort or lack of investment.

I think he wants you to be the leader in the relationship and reach out to him. But thats terribly confusing because like you I have mostly had experiences where the guy is the leader not me so I look to him to do it and then I feel disconnected when we aren't talking. Most recently I have tried reaching out to him more. He is very receptive to this, however I find I get burned out very quickly so I have to watch how I take initiate at times and make sure I am taking time for myself. I also negotiated with my boyfriend for him to communicate with me when he feels he isn't interested in being as talkative or when he is busy...this is imperative because if he does want me to take the lead more often then he has to increase his communication.

I still find that the relationship works better for both of us when my boyfriend PRIMARILY leads the relationship but keeps me updated on any schedule changes or if he gets busy so that I know what is going on with him and we don't feel disconnected or miss each other. Basically so the relationship feels more reciprocal and I'm not the one doing all the work. I still don't know if this will actually work out given I like the guy to take the lead and I get burnt out so you'll have to think about if this is a task you want to take on and how you can manage it. Pros and cons for both for sure. The things I love about my boyfriend are that he is calm, sweet, and basically accomodates me a lot! It's amazing.

Thanks for sharing your story. When you communicated with him that you’d like for him to initiate, did he step up and change? Was that change consistent and he reaches out more now or do you still feel like you have to reach out first often?

November 25, 2020

8 hours ago, boymommy said:

You can do that and yes it does help. In many ways my boyfriend has come closer and really wanted to work on not pushing me away or keeping me at arms length.

But some things don’t change and he is the way he is. I think he may always (potentially) hold someone at arms length and I dont know exactly if its something missing from our relationship or he does that in general..or a combo. I set an internal clock for myself given he is still very willing to work on things together. I am willing to walk away after that if things dont evolve. That would be my suggestion. Otherwise you may end up sacrificing yourself

Thanks for your input. How did you communicate your feelings your boyfriend and how did he try to come closer? Do you feel like his efforts are consistent and it makes you feel more connected?

November 25, 2020

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't see any actual "red flags" here. It sounds like you are looking for things to be wrong. You said that your past boyfriends were obsessive, controlling or emotionally abusive. Now you finally have a guy who is NOT that, and it feels strange to you, you are not used to it, and you are looking for there to be things wrong.

There's not enough evidence to assume that there's "something going on" between him and his ex... that is a bit paranoid.

Thanks for your feedback. This is exactly why I’m hesitant. I know I come from that background so I don’t want to cut it short or overthink it, but at the same time I also get a feeling that his investment is low so wanted to get a second opinion on whether this level of communication/contact is normal or acceptable for some people.

November 26, 2020

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Why is it long distance? Do either of you live with parents? Who supports him?

There's quite a few red flags for dating only 16 weeks.

You're comparing him to your exes and he's talking to his ex.

He's clearly not invested and keeping you at arms length. He's been pushing you away in words and actions.

It may be best to reflect if cutting your losses early on would be better than trying to force-fit things or fix or change him.

Unfortunately it seems like he is just not that into you.

Thanks for your perspective. We are not long distance, we live in a big city and within standard commuting distance, maybe slightly out of the way but not too far. We don’t live with our parents. Our living situations are fine and he doesn’t have a busy schedule. Is it very clear/obvious that he’s pushing me away?

November 26, 2020

8 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

I think that it's one of two things. Either he's not invested/not as interested as you are, or this is just the way he wants the relationship. Overall, I think if he's happy with how things are going (whatever the reason) and you are not, then you aren't compatible. Not right or wrong, just different. You have to decide if it's o.k with you.

I personally don't think you can establish a close relationship, one that is going somewhere, if you're only seeing each other once a week and have limited contact aside from that one meeting. I think for things to progress, at the 4 month mark, you should be seeing each other more often. So maybe he doesn't want that.

So again, not that it's right or wrong, but if you're not happy with the pace, you do need to figure out what the issue is.

I think it's as simple as 'I'd like to spend more time together' and see what he says/does. If he's insecure, if he really likes you but is afraid, if his schedule is busy, whatever the reasons are, you can't get any clearer than that. So if he doesn't step up, then it's time to re-evaluate.

To me, the fact that you try to initiate mid week and he doesn't carry the conversation or doesn't use it as a sign that you'd like to be in more contact shows me it's not that he wants that also and is afraid like others have suggested.

Best of luck

Thanks for your input. I actually already brought this up with him before and said I think we should keep in touch/see each other more and that I don’t want a part time relationship, but not much has changed. I’m also wondering, if he really is scared/insecure, shouldn’t he feel more secure now that I’m his girlfriend? Which is why I’m wondering if he really is just keeping me at bay because he doesn’t want to invest or like you said this is just how he is in relationships. I guess I need to re-evaluate.

November 26, 2020

Unfortunately, I don't think he's an interested as you are, no.

You've already spoken to him about it and not much has changed. He doesn't seem scared or insecure - just not as enthusiastic as you are about the relationship. Do you happen to know how long ago and he and his split up, or how frequently they communicate?

November 26, 2020

The whole “he scared“ thing might protect someone’s ego, but that’s about all that it will accomplish. People putting effort for things that matter to them. He’s not. He doesn’t seem to care much . Scared or not, it’s not worth it

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

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