My boyfriend said I am fat

[boymommy]

I dont think it was nice of him to call you fat...BUT questions of this nature are problematic all around. You were looking for him to validate you. Why? I am not blaming you but often when we ask others for validation then get a negative response instead it reinforces the concept of ALREADY not feeling attractive/worthy/good enough. I can imagine your feelings about his impotence led to that question..like your weight is somehow the reason he cant get it up. But in reality it could be much more complex then that. 
 

Instead of asking HIM for validation, try validating yourself. Do YOU feel you are fat? Or are you happy with your body type? Do you embrace your curves? If so then thats all you need to know! You can tell your boyfriend his comments was hurtful but take responsibility for searching for external validation that you really didnt need. 

[Trail Blazer]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I wouldn't worry about this rude oaf's opinions or listen to any similar rubbish about diet/fitness tips etc.

The problem here is not your weight, it's being with someone critical.

It's time to ditch this clown. Focus instead on your friends, family, your child, your work, more effective co-parenting,etc.

Take care of both your physical and mental health. Forget nasty remarks. 

Make the best of the holidays for you and your child. Stop dating men who are insensitive morons.

Ditch him because she asked a question she already knew the answer to, yet expected him to lie to about placate her?  Remember, she asked him!  He didn't offer an unsolicited opinion which he could have otherwise kept to himself.

Sorry, but I couldn't disagree with you more.  Perhaps there's more to this guy that I don't know about?  However, I've only read one of OP's threads and based on this one, it certainly doesn't warrant such drastic actions as what you're suggesting.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

  Remember, she asked him 

So? Everyone knows that the "does this make me look fat?" question is a  loaded nightmare 

But, mature astute people already realize that it's a rhetorical question. 

It's an insecure and indirect way of seeking reassurance.

People who fail at relationships most have no tact.

They lack emotional intelligence and think being nasty when given the opportunity is "being honest".

However an opinion is subjective and has nothing to do with "truth".

Some people are just not brought up well. They were never taught to use diplomacy or consider the feelings of others.

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

I am wondering how this differs from a woman asking her boyfriend, after she dyes her hair brunette from blonde, if he likes it?  Or would he prefer she go back to her natural color, blonde?  

Let's say he prefers her as a blonde, should he withhold that?  Lie and tell her he prefers her now as a brunette?  Even though it's a lie?

I don't think so.  Why?  If we cannot share our personal preferences, especially when asked, without our partner becoming "devastated," then what's the point?

Do relationships require us to coddle our partners?  Walk on eggshells with regard to what we "should" or "should not" say or disclose?   Especially when asked but even when they do not? 

I dont think so!  It's dishonest, and fosters distrust.  It's cold, fake.  

I realize weight is an extremely sensitive topic, I created a thread myself in the opposite direction, being too thin. 

Did I become devastated? No.  Did I freak out?  No.  What I did was create a thread, received some invaluable insight, and talked with my fiance last night.  

Communicate.  Openly and honestly.  Resolve and move forward.

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So? Everyone knows that the "does this make me look fat?" question is a  loaded nightmare 

But, mature astute people already realize that it's a rhetorical question. 

It's an insecure and indirect way of seeking reassurance.

People who fail at relationships most have no tact.

They lack emotional intelligence and think being nasty when given the opportunity is "being honest".

However an opinion is subjective and has nothing to do with "truth".

Some people are just not brought up well. They were never taught to use diplomacy or consider the feelings of others.

 

This. 

It is not a choice between truth and lies, it is a matter of how you express yourself.   He could easily have conveyed we could all lose some weight and yet reinforce how he finds her attractive.  Now if that last part isn't true he needs to just exit and shouldn't be nasty to get her to break up with him.  I can't get over this BF has ED issues, does he really want brutal honesty?

[Miss Spider]

No.. you should not ask this question to people. Usually, it puts them in uncomfortable position because they must blatantly lie. A person with tact will lie. It’s a bit different than asking about hair color because hair color, because it doesn’t bare the social stigma that being overweight does in addition to be easily changeable. 

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am wondering how this differs from a woman asking her boyfriend, after she dyes her hair brunette from blonde, if he likes it?  Or would he prefer she go back to her natural color, blonde?  

Let's say he prefers her as a blonde, should he withhold that?  Lie and tell her he prefers her now as a brunette?  Even though it's a lie?

I don't think so.  Why?  If we cannot share our personal preferences, especially when asked, without our partner becoming "devastated," then what's the point?

Do relationships require us to coddle our partners?  Walk on eggshells with regard to what we "should" or "should not" say or disclose?   Especially when asked but even when they do not? 

....

It's not about the extremes, there is a lot of ground between walking on eggshells and nasty honesty.  Between those who are so sensitive any response is a trigger and those who need no assurance about anything.

Frankly to me, half the reason we form relationships is to have a person in our lives that we can seek safely seek assurance from, from time to time.

The key with these subjective things, is to convey that in a positive way not some objective truth kind of way.  It also relies on knowing your partner (again emotional intelligence).

On hair, first if a particular color is more than just a preference but needed for you to get off, then yeah  that is going to be a hard question to answer honestly.  Or not really of one is willing to admit one's extreme preference.

Hair color change to a non-preferred color?  Easy to answer really.  Knowing this is really question of do you think I look good this way, if one has some objectivity, that is easy to answer.  First though, ask what they think about it.  One can talk about the positive things the hair color brings (if you can't do an atheistic then can always mention someone with the same hair color she finds attractive), ask what they are concerned about, etc.   Even if it is not your cup of tea, can say I like you no matter the hair color, so used to your hair being color X, and I like color X, but this color Y, kind of cool, maybe it will be my new favorite, even if it is not you still are.  Of course I wonder what it looks like in candle light, wink....

If a guy can't honestly say that then he is way too locked into such a trivial and easily changed thing as hair color.  I'd say to him to get a grip, and have to friends who have come to me with similar questions.  The conversation is about so much more than just his hair color preference.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

No.. you should not ask this question to people. Usually, it puts them in uncomfortable position because they must blatantly lie. A person with tact will lie. It’s a bit different than asking about hair color because hair color, because it doesn’t bare the social stigma that being overweight does in addition to be easily changeable. 

I agree with you ss, not asking about weight. And my example being poor due to stigma and easily being able  change hair color.   My bad.  

Just tossing things out to consider and discuss. 

For me, I prefer truth even when it might hurt a bit.   But I'm weird so don't go by me.

[Miss Spider]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with you ss, not asking about weight. And my example being poor due to stigma and easily being able  change hair color.   My bad.  

Just tossing things out to consider and discuss. 

For me, I prefer truth even when it might hurt a bit.   But I'm weird so don't go by me.

I am the same way, Poppy. I value truth above all else, so it is valuable to me,  even if it hurts. I get that a lot of people ask questions in order to “fish” for compliments or have someone confirm/deny their beliefs and it’s not really a question at all. I think this is undermines the truth, so I don’t like it. Also, having been in a position where the truth is a very apparent, and I know that it is probably quite obvious I am lying, I have felt very uncomfortable answering.  I do think that ideally her bf should have used much more tact and answered the “right” way. Anyway, looks like OP is gone now . 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

For me, I prefer truth even when it might hurt a bit.   But I'm weird so don't go by me.

I think the same thing! If you don't want to hear a truthful answer then in my book don't ask a question. But in most cases people are asking for reassurance purposes, not because they want to hear the cold and hard truth out of people. I for one value people being truthful (even if it's not what I want to hear) then an indirect answer or beating around the bush. 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I am the same way, Poppy. I value truth above all else, so it is valuable to me,  even if it hurts. I get that a lot of people ask questions in order to “fish” for compliments or have someone confirm/deny their beliefs and it’s not really a question at all. I think this is undermines the truth, so I don’t like it. Also, having been in a position where the truth is a very apparent, and I know that it is probably quite obvious I am lying, I have felt very uncomfortable answering.  I do think that ideally her bf should have used much more tact and answered the “right” way. Anyway, looks like OP is gone now . 

100% agree he could have been more tactful, assuming his response to her question was just "yes." 

Seems odd he would respond that bluntly but who knows.

He may have been more tactful while still being truthful, but when people are so sensitive and insecure, what someone says and what they hear are two different things.  As per usual, we are only hearing her side, her interpretation.

I'd ask OP to clarify exactly what his response was but you're right, she's gone.  

Hope you're okay OP, we'd love to hear back from you if you're so inclined.  xo

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[dangerous]

On 11/24/2020 at 2:06 PM, SumGuy said:

He is a cad.  He is trying to blame his problem on you.   If you really to heavy for him to find you attractive why in the world did he date you to begin with?

Objectively, depending on height, size 16-18 can be far from fat and even far from overweight.   Certainly not extremely fat or obese.  Had to look up example on-line of size16-18, sure may be "overweight" by modern model standards, but doesn't mean you can't be plenty sexy.   If you look at ancient art, size 16-18 was goddess level.  Plenty of men who are all about the bass  

I don't think it is overreacting to be hurt by this or be upset.   He is being an a**h*le.   You can give it back to him, what does it matter your weight, it's not like his limp d*ck could do anything about it if you weighed less.  This man is living in a glass house and throwing stones.

WTF? Whatever sympathies, we may have for the OP, the fact remains she ASKED him directly is she fat? By her own admission, she is. He answered honestly. Why is he a cad?

If she asked, am I tall, am I 20 years old, am I a nurse, do I have green eyes, am I black/ Caucasian/ Hispanic, do I have a spot on my nose? If it's true, why wouldn't you answer YES?

Why would or should he lie? To save her feelings? Clearly she was already unhappy about being fat, open to being hurt by asking the question. Sorry to be so blunt but why would someone ask a question like that if you don't like the answer? Asking for trouble. 

PS: Just saw Poppyfields post above, and she's said exactly the same thing, albeit more tactfully than I lol

Edited November 26, 2020 by dangerous

[Miss Spider]

Why would he or should he lie? To spare someone’s feelings and not damage their relationship.  It’s referred to as  a “white lie” and people do it all the time. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I think the same thing! If you don't want to hear a truthful answer then in my book don't ask a question. But in most cases people are asking for reassurance purposes, not because they want to hear the cold and hard truth out of people. I for one value people being truthful (even if it's not what I want to hear) then an indirect answer or beating around the bush. 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around the notion of lying when asked to spare feelings.  

I mean when someone knows they're overweight, and how could they not know, and then asks their partner the question "do you think I'm fat"? and their partner lies and responds "no you're not" or the like, how can that person not know their partner is lying? 

I'm not understanding that.  I mean again, he/she knows they're overweight!  

If reassurance is what they're after, why not ask "I know I've gained some, but do you still think I'm beautiful"?  

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, dangerous said:

WTF? Whatever sympathies, we may have for the OP, the fact remains she ASKED him directly is she fat? By her own admission, she is. He answered honestly. Why is he a cad?

If she asked, am I tall, am I 20 years old, am I a nurse, do I have green eyes, am I black/ Caucasian/ Hispanic, do I have a spot on my nose? If it's true, why wouldn't you answer YES?

Why would or should he lie? To save her feelings? Clearly she was already unhappy about being fat, open to being hurt by asking the question. Sorry to be so blunt but why would someone ask a question like that if you don't like the answer? Asking for trouble. 

Ohhhh I can see both sides. When women ask this question it's a trick. Men aren't supposed to SAY they are fat. They are supposed to say "no honey you look absolutely beautiful and I love you exactly the way you are!" You know like they do in a Disney movie. Buuuttt is real life like this. No unfortunately not. If a woman asks a question like this, not all men are going to have the "street smarts" or "relationship smarts" to understand girl code and what a woman actually WANTS to hear vs the question she's asking. Catch-22. 

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm trying to wrap my brain around the notion of lying when asked to spare feelings.  

I mean when someone knows they're overweight, and how could they not know, and then asks their partner the question "do you think I'm fat"? and your partner lies and responds "no you're not" or the like, how can that person not know their partner is lying? 

I'm not understanding that.  I mean again, he/she knows they're overweight!  

If reassurance is what they're after, why not ask "I know I've gained some, but do you still think I'm beautiful"?  

 

Well, OP said that she doesn’t feel like she’s fat. She said that she considers herself “curvy”. I know a lot of women that I would consider overweight that consider themselves as such. Also, the word ‘fat’ is much more loaded than overweight. But like you said, without knowing the exact words that were used in the conversation it is really hard to say

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dangerous]

Question: "Am I fat?"

Option 1: Noooo, you are not, you are very slim"

Option 2: No you are perfect. In fact lets ensure that our whole family, including young children all follow your example, and we eat lots of cr*p, and we will be a matching family.

Option 3: yes you are fat, but I love you anyway.

Which is the better answer?

[Wiseman2]

It's hard to imagine having successful interpersonal relationships whether professionally or personally while running through a china shop like a bull.

 

[dangerous]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well, OP said that she doesn’t feel like she’s fat. She said that she considers herself “curvy”. I know a lot of women that I would consider overweight that consider themselves as such. Also, the word ‘fat’ is much more loaded than overweight (or any other synonym, besides hambeast or something. ) But like you said, without knowing the exact words that were used in the conversation it is really hard to say

Curvy is a word that a lot of FAT women use, it is a sad fact.

Almost every woman who is fat, is not happy, despite what she says.

 

[Ellener]

What do you think now you've seen all these opinions @Alwayscats?

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well, OP said that she doesn’t feel like she’s fat. She said that she considers herself “curvy”. I know a lot of women that I would consider overweight that consider themselves as such. Also, the word “fat” is much more loaded than overweight or any other synonym besides hambeast or something. However,  like you said. without knowing the exact words that were used in the conversation it is really hard to say

She wrote in her initial post, "I am fat, but not extremely, I consider myself curvy."  Or something like that, I do recall her starting things out with "I am fat."

Jmo but anyone even considering asking this question to their partner, or to anyone, knows on some level they are fat.  Or they feel fat.

If they did not, there would be no need to ask the question in the first place.  Again JMO.

[Miss Spider]

False dilemma. A number of options are better. “No, you look fine” “No, you’re thick the way I like them ” “No, you have curves”  “No, you’re look perfect to me the way you are. Your health is what is important to me.” “Or just even a simple “No”

Are people seriously this unrefined in the art of a white lie? If I had a dime for every one of them I’ve had to tell that has saved my relationships with friends, family, and coworkers

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She wrote in her initial post, "I am fat, but not extremely, I consider myself curvy."  Or something like that, I do recall her starting things out with "I am fat."

Jmo but anyone even considering asking this question to their partner, or to anyone, knows on some level they are fat.  Or they feel fat.

If they did not, there would be no need to ask the question in the first place.  Again JMO.

Oh OK. You are right. I missed that. Yes, they asked this question to see if their partner agrees with them if they are that way or if they just consider them thick/curvy  is my guess. Opie seems to have had previous insecurities about this related to his sexual attraction to her. I could be wrong though, because I did not read the thread. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

Tact, it is called tact.

tact
skill and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.

It is a necessary social skill which some seem to be lacking in.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, dangerous said:

Question: "Am I fat?"

Option 1: Noooo, you are not, you are very slim"

Option 2: No you are perfect. In fact lets ensure that our whole family, including young children all follow your example, and we eat lots of cr*p, and we will be a matching family.

Option 3: yes you are fat, but I love you anyway.

Which is the better answer?

Option 4:  Yes you could stand to lose a few, but you are beautiful to me and I love you. 

Even if that was said, what do you think the fat person will hear and focus on?

The part where he said he still finds her beautiful or the part where he said he loves her?

No, they will focus on the part where he said "yes you could stand to lose a few."   

And start a thread "my boyfriend said I'm fat and I'm devastated"!

That's how it typically goes down when someone is insecure and unhappy.  

PS:  Fat can still be beautiful.  That is why I encourage asking (when seeking reassurance) "I know I've gained a few, but am I still beautiful in your eyes? 

A better alternative imo.

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields