My boyfriend said I am fat

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If the OP is in the UK 16 -18 is US 12-14.

Fair point. Do we know where she lives? 

I guess the bottom line is she sees herself as "fat" (her word) so maybe losing a few is something to consider.

[_lovelycat_]

I believe the OP wanted her bf to be honest answering her question. She got shocked and upset because she expected his honest answer to be something like "no, you are beautiful". Moreover, her expectation about what his honest answer would be was justified because he  must have asserted that he finds her attractive and lovable. Otherwise, they would not be dating. Attractive and lovable can go together with curvy but definitely not with fat. 

[_lovelycat_]

3 hours ago, Alvi said:

 Why date someone you don't find attractive?

 

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I can think of several reasons just off the top of my head

I will have to agree with Shortskirtslonglashes. The bf may be with the OP for a reason other than her attractiveness. That is why in his head he associates her appearance with a negative word fat. 

[_lovelycat_]

Although the OP said "I am fat", she said it during a moment of devastation. The same way as you may call yourself "stupid" when you have made a mistake. She consider herself to be curvy. 

[FMW]

Alwayscats asked if she was overreacting to her boyfriend's response to her question, not if we agreed she was fat, not asking for diet tips.

It sounds like she would feel better about herself if she lost weight, but whether to do that and how to do that was not her question.  

She didn't trick him into a relationship when she was thin and then gain a bunch of weight.  She has only known the guy a few months - if he doesn't like her size he should have left her alone.   

[stillafool]

When he answered that yes you are fat you could have asked if he likes you that way.  His answer probably would have been yes since you were that size when you two first started dating.

[trident_2020]

As per her other thread she suspects her boyfriend is struggling with the fact that she's overweight, which is probably why she asked him that in the first place.

 

[Libby1]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I suspect she wants honesty with affirmation, which is kind of a reasonable expectation from a boyfriend.  I'm certain he doesn't want her to be bluntly honest about his sexual performance, or lack thereof.

Exactly.  If people can't express their insecurities in an intimate relationship, where exactly can they express them?   It just doesn't seem like that difficult a task to respond to  a partner's insecurity about something with a little reassurance and diplomacy.  Some affirmation of how the person is looking, while acknowledging that losing a few pounds wouldn't hurt - and suggestions along the lines of "maybe we could both up our physical activity a bit, and motivate eachother."  I agree with you that it really doesn't seem unreasonable to hope for a partner to make a bit of effort in that respect.  God knows, life can be enough of a cut throat, "take no prisoners" jungle...without people feeling finding themselves confronted with hurtful and unsupportive "plain talking" at home when they're revealing themselves at their most vulnerable.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's my take: telling a woman she's "fat"--even in response to a question--can only result in disaster.

There is a toxic pressure on women about weight in our society (many societies) that is so destructive. I work with young people. The prevalence of eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia is ridiculously high, shockingly high. It's all part of the toxic pressure around weight. So guys would do quite well to NEVER say your gf is "fat." 

To flip things, the only equivalent question I can think of is if a guy asks his gf, "do you think I'm small?" If the woman answers "yes," that will only result in a crushing blow to the guy's ego, just like OP's bf's answer was a blow to her ego and esteem.

 

 

[Miss Spider]

20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Here's my take: telling a woman she's "fat"--even in response to a question--can only result in disaster.

There is a toxic pressure on women about weight in our society (many societies) that is so destructive. I work with young people. The prevalence of eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia is ridiculously high, shockingly high. It's all part of the toxic pressure around weight. So guys would do quite well to NEVER say your gf is "fat." 

To flip things, the only equivalent question I can think of is if a guy asks his gf, "do you think I'm small?" If the woman answers "yes," that will only result in a crushing blow to the guy's ego, just like OP's bf's answer was a blow to her ego and esteem.

 

 

Yea... He’s either trying to be mean or he just lacks emotional intelligence.  So many better ways to respond to that 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Something like "yes you could stand to lose a few but you are still beautiful to me" or something like that. 

I agree shortskirts.  Maybe something like this^^.

There's more to all this imo, something deeper.

[major_merrick]

Why, why, WHY do women ask questions they don't want an honest answer to?  And why do men answer those questions?  The FAT question is like putting a ticking bomb on your living room coffee table.  Nobody benefits from that!

There is no correct answer to that question.  Men who lie will get confronted.  Men who tell the truth will get scolded.  OP, you made a mistake.  Forgive your BF for his honesty and move on.  He's still with you, right?  And if you've been the same size all along, he likely finds you just as attractive as he did at first.  Based on your comments here, I think the biggest issue is not his view of you but your view of yourself.  You asked the question, indicating insecurity.  So take steps to fix it. 

If I don't eat right and stay active, I can go from "curvy" to "plump" pretty quickly.  Especially after 3 pregnancies.  I'd like to get back to my high school weight, but it isn't gonna happen in my mid-30's.  You make the changes you can, accept the things you can't do, and figure out how to tell the difference.  I've found that my looks matter a lot more to me than to my partners.  My GF#1 (on a 1-10 scale, she's a 15!) is way out of my league in terms of looks.  But having seen her porn stash....vids of me and pics of kinda chunky blondes that I'd rate between 5-6.  Everybody has their THING. 

Also, remember that being sexy is a lot about attitude/demeanor.  If you feel and act insecure, it comes out in bed and it makes your partner insecure.  Bad feedback loop.  Gotta have positive energy between the sheets.  I'm betting that your BF's issues are more about energy and security and less about looks.  And he may not like the way HE looks, so you might have something in common. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by major_merrick

[Lotsgoingon]

There are questions that people pose--like this one--that aren't real questions. It's like when I pass someone on the street and say, "how ya doing?" I'm not really caring about how they're doing. I'm simply saying hello.

Do you think I'm fat? is not a question about weight. It's really not a question at all. It's a request for a hug and some affirmation. 

Do you think I'm fat = I'm feeling critical of the way I look. I worry you don't think I'm attractive. Do you still like me?

Literally, if you hug the person and tell them that you think they look fine, and that they're wonderful, they will not keep pressing you to answer about their weight.

I once dated a woman who I had met a few years earlier, and by the time we met on a date, I hadn't seen her for a while. She had visibly aged during that time. By the time I reconnected with her, she had dark circles under her eyes that I didn't recall from before. Same applies to me btw. 

Guess what she asked me after we started dating?  Yep. "You hadn't seem me in a bit. When you saw me again, did I look older with thicker circles under my eyes?"

My answer: "no!" For the record, after that conversation, I think she just adjusted her makeup. I don't ever recall thinking about her dark circles again--not til right this moment.

 

 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I agree shortskirts.  Maybe something like this^^.

There's more to all this imo, something deeper.

Yes. If he had an issue with her weight, maybe that something he should’ve brought up at a totally separate time. And very, very gently (if at all). But I know someone on the spectrum who would call people fat and try to guess their age. He wasn’t trying to be mean. He just did not understand that it was not socially acceptable.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Here's my take: telling a woman she's "fat"--even in response to a question--can only result in disaster.

There is a toxic pressure on women about weight in our society (many societies) that is so destructive. I work with young people. The prevalence of eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia is ridiculously high, shockingly high. It's all part of the toxic pressure around weight. So guys would do quite well to NEVER say your gf is "fat." 

To flip things, the only equivalent question I can think of is if a guy asks his gf, "do you think I'm small?" If the woman answers "yes," that will only result in a crushing blow to the guy's ego, just like OP's bf's answer was a blow to her ego and esteem.

 

 

Once again, people shouldn't ask questions they don't want a truthful answer to.  In the case of OP, I have absolutely no idea why she'd ask such a question. 

If you are fat, you probably know it.  If you are a guy and small, you probably know it!  What good can come from asking the question and putting someone in an awkward spot?

Really, anyone asked a question along the lines of the examples above are left between a rock and a hard place.  What are your choices; lie to preserve feelings or tell the truth and crush them?

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Plenty of choices. You reassure the person if you like them.

They are NOT asking a question. They are asking for reassurance in an insecure way. And lots of us go through periods--or at least moments--of insecurity. 

It's the same rule here as say, right before a job interview. The person asks "how do I look?" If they have time to alter the look, you can make a suggestion. If they have no time to alter the look, the smart way to answer is to say "fine."  

All the person really wants is a little cheering as they head off to the interview. 

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Libby1]

17 hours ago, Alwayscats said:

I’m totally confused and hurt today.  I am fat but not extremely fat I would say I’m more curvy but I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was fat and he said yes  I’m absolutely devastated.  From my previous post you have all seen that we struggle to have sex due to him being impotent (not being able to get hard) so obviously now he has said this I feel it’s all about my weight.  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry all on my own.  I am a size 16-18.  Do you all think I’m over reacting? 
 

Thanks in advance 

Just to go back to this, I think your reaction is fairly natural - since his impotence is bound to be having a serious effect on your emotional wellbeing anyway.  It sounds as though there might be a nagging question in your head of "do you find me unattractive, and is this why you can't perform in bed?" which you can't quite bring yourself to ask.  Maybe asking "do you think I'm fat" is like dipping a tentative toe into dangerous waters.  Testing out whether it would be safe to have that very difficult and sensitive discussion with him.  He gave you an answer which, in my opinion, lets you know in no uncertain terms that no, it won't be safe to have that discussion with him.  And if I'm right about that, then I think your reaction is natural.

It's heartening that some of the male posters here have given responses indicating an understanding that what you were looking for with that question was, first and foremost, some reassurance.  It's maybe too tempting, at times, for men to fall into the trap of playing along with this "gee, I'm just a dumb guy who's being expected to read his woman's mind here" routine....which is sometimes just a very convenient way of avoiding difficult conversations.  After all, how can you have any sort of meaningful conversation about difficult, sensitive issues with somebody who's likely to respond in that way?  

This thread has become so much about your weight, with people speculating on whether you're a UK size 16 or a US size 16...as though your dress size is the real burning issue here.  Your description of yourself as curvy suggests to me that without your boyfriend and his impotency problem in the equation, you're probably happy and secure enough with the way you look.  If you do want to lose a few pounds and set your mind to it, well...that's not anything like the difficult and complicated task that addressing impotency is likely to be.  So I guess it's easier for people to focus on that.  However, it's potentially dangerous.  Once we start seeing our bodies, and a few extra pounds we carry on them, as the source of our problems...that can quite rapidly create a basis for an unhealthy relationship with our own bodies and with food.  Add an insecure man with an impotency problem (one who may well prove more than happy to pass the buck for that  distressing problem onto you) to the equation, and the risk factor increases quite dramatically.

I don't think your weight's the problem here.  Even if it were an issue, it would be relatively easy to resolve.  The two far more potentially difficult to resolve issues are a) his impotency, and b) the lack of communication.  On the face of it he gave you an honest answer to a question you didn't really want an answer to.  Various people are encouraging you to see it that way, but I think that lets your man off the hook.  I think he probably knows very well that you want to address this impotency problem, and I think he's probably going to block your efforts to initiate  a difficult conversation about an issue he's very sensitive to - even if that involves causing you emotional pain. 

There's honesty of the blunt, superficial ("yes, I think you're fat") variety which people applaud, but which really isn't bringing much of anything to the table.  Then there's the kind of honesty that's required to have a difficult, embarrassing, painful conversation about something like impotency.  My hunch is that your boyfriend's brand of honesty doesn't extend to doing that right now.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Libby1

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't ask questions if you aren't prepared to hear the response. 

Not the response you want to hear, delivered in the manner you deem appropriate - but the truth as the other person sees it. 

[Wiseman2]

I wouldn't worry about this rude oaf's opinions or listen to any similar rubbish about diet/fitness tips etc.

The problem here is not your weight, it's being with someone critical.

It's time to ditch this clown. Focus instead on your friends, family, your child, your work, more effective co-parenting,etc.

Take care of both your physical and mental health. Forget nasty remarks. 

Make the best of the holidays for you and your child. Stop dating men who are insensitive morons.

[balletomane]

OP, I agree that this is not a question you should be asking him. It's loaded. You already suspect that he has an issue with your weight, so if he'd said no, you're not fat, would you have even believed him? Or would you have just continued to worry? It would have been better to be truthful with him and say, "Sometimes I worry you aren't attracted to me because of my size." If you're going to ask for reassurance, you need to make it clear what the issue is - especially as even if he does perceive you as overweight, that doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. You're talking at cross purposes.

I once had a boyfriend who called me "plump" (I was 5"9' and a UK size 12/US 8 ) when I was fretting that a pair of new trousers didn't suit me. He framed it as reassurance - "You're not fat, you're just plump." I was startled he would say that given a.) I hadn't actually mentioned weight and b.) I was slim for my height. Then it dawned on me that this was actually about him. He really was on the plump side and he kept making comments to the effect that we had similar physiques, such as, "After Christmas we should go on a diet." In the end I broke up with him largely because of how his insecurities were affecting me. Trying to make someone else feel bad so that you can feel better is never acceptable. Is there a possibility that your boyfriend is doing this on some level? If he feels unattractive and insecure over his ED, he may subconsciously be finding ways to make you feel similar.

Edited November 25, 2020 by balletomane

[Libby1]

Where exactly does the OP say that she didn't want an answer to the question she asked her boyfriend?  She's said that she was devastated by the answer, but that's not the same as saying she didn't want an answer.

If a person suspects their partner is cheating on them, plucks up the courage to ask and gets an answer in the affirmative...they're going to be devastated.  Does that mean they didn't want an answer to their question?  No, it means that they've confirmed a suspicion they had about their partner and their relationship that severely undermines or altogether breaks their trust in their partner..and that will probably make them rethink the entire relationship.  If a person asks their partner "do you still find me attractive?" and the partner bluntly answers "no"...again, an answer that will likely cause devastation, but that doesn't mean it was wrong to ask.  We don't find out the things we need to know unless we ask questions. 

We might not like the answers.  We might be devastated by them...but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have asked them.  It doesn't mean we need to be berated for having asked them (especially not on a forum which is supposed to be about personal exploration, confronting interpersonal difficulties etc).  What it maybe means is that we need a bit of support and care from friends while we decide what to do with the information our question has elicited.

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Libby1

[Libby1]

4 minutes ago, balletomane said:

OP, I agree that this is not a question you should be asking him. It's loaded.

It's opened an upsetting can of worms, that's for sure.  But once the sting has passed, it might help her to make a decision about this guy.  I didn't realise, until I looked at the thread again, that this relationship hasn't been on the go for very long.  An impotent guy who bluntly responds "yes" when asked "do you think I'm fat" doesn't sound like the greatest of Christmas holiday companions.

[Ellener]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It's like when I pass someone on the street and say, "how ya doing?" I'm not really caring about how they're doing. I'm simply saying hello.

Then say hello!

At the end of the day @Alwayscats it's up to you to 'find the silver lining' in situations, even if they make you cry at first. This could be the motivation you need for example.

Hope you are feeling better.

 

[poppyfields]

 

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

They are NOT asking a question. They are asking for reassurance in an insecure way. And lots of us go through periods--or at least moments--of insecurity. 

I agree with Lots.  The OP wasn't so much asking a question as seeking reassurance.  In her initial post, she wrote "I am fat..." Then went on to say curvy, but the first comment is what's important.

She is insecure and needed reassurance from her bf he finds her beautiful.  

In a previous post, I proposed what he might have said to reassure her, but he didn't say that as far as we know.

In fact, we have NO idea what he actually said because the OP didn't tell us.  All she said was she asked him if he thought she was fat and he said yes.

I could be wrong but I highly doubt that is all he said.  It may possibly have been her interpretation of what he said.

For example, an insecure woman might interpret her boyfriend saying, "yes you could lose a few, but you're still beautiful to me" as OMG, my boyfriend thinks I'm FAT!

I've had friends who have done that, they can turn what was meant to be a positive comment, into a negative all because of their own insecurities.

The only right answer for the OP, would have been "no you are not fat, you are just right, perfect."  Which he could have said, even though that's not how he truly feels.

Would that have been better?  To lie?  I dont know, for me no.   I always prefer the truth no matter what, even if it hurts to hear, always, always.

To the poster who criticized those who brought up dress size and diet. 

I did not read where anyone made those things the main focus.  The posts were mixed with mentions about those things combined with opinions about her asking, and her boyfriend's response.

We are all here to help, that was the main focus.

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea... He’s either trying to be mean or he just lacks emotional intelligence.  So many better ways to respond to that 

Or he was tired of her asking him such questions all the time and said it out of frustration.