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My boyfriend said I am fat

Alwayscats

By Alwayscats
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Alwayscats Member

Alwayscats

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I’m totally confused and hurt today.  I am fat but not extremely fat I would say I’m more curvy but I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was fat and he said yes :( I’m absolutely devastated.  From my previous post you have all seen that we struggle to have sex due to him being impotent (not being able to get hard) so obviously now he has said this I feel it’s all about my weight.  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry all on my own.  I am a size 16-18.  Do you all think I’m over reacting? 
 

Thanks in advance 

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Were you a size 16-18 when he met you? Sorry I did not read your other thread.

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)
40 minutes ago, Alwayscats said:

I’m totally confused and hurt today.  I am fat but not extremely fat I would say I’m more curvy but I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was fat and he said yes :( I’m absolutely devastated.  From my previous post you have all seen that we struggle to have sex due to him being impotent (not being able to get hard) so obviously now he has said this I feel it’s all about my weight.  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry all on my own.  I am a size 16-18.  Do you all think I’m over reacting? 
...

He is a cad.  He is trying to blame his problem on you.   If you really to heavy for him to find you attractive why in the world did he date you to begin with?

Objectively, depending on height, size 16-18 can be far from fat and even far from overweight.   Certainly not extremely fat or obese.  Had to look up example on-line of size16-18, sure may be "overweight" by modern model standards, but doesn't mean you can't be plenty sexy.   If you look at ancient art, size 16-18 was goddess level.  Plenty of men who are all about the bass :) 

I don't think it is overreacting to be hurt by this or be upset.   He is being an a**h*le.   You can give it back to him, what does it matter your weight, it's not like his limp d*ck could do anything about it if you weighed less.  This man is living in a glass house and throwing stones.

Edited by SumGuy
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Alwayscats Member

Alwayscats

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1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

He is a cad.  He is trying to blame his problem on you.   If you really to heavy for him to find you attractive why in the world did he date you to begin with?

Objectively, depending on height, size 16-18 can be far from fat and even far from overweight.   Certainly not extremely fat or obese.  Had to look up example on-line of size16-18, sure may be "overweight" by modern model standards, but doesn't mean you can't be plenty sexy.   If you look at ancient art, size 16-18 was goddess level.  Plenty of men who are all about the bass :) 

I don't think it is overreacting to be hurt by this or be upset.   He is being an a**h*le.   You can give it back to him, what does it matter your weight, it's not like his limp d*ck could do anything about it if you weighed less.

Thank you for this I really needed to hear this.  I’m 5ft 3 as well I forgot to put that in there. X 

 

 

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted

Unfortunately the word “fat” doesn’t have a strict definition. To some people it means overweight, while to others it might mean obese. Secondly, you asked his opinion, and he answered. He didn’t blame his impotence on you. 

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

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Posted (edited)

 

Ahhh, we know what ed is op , jezuz , but yeah from those sizes hmm, well here anyway , your a pretty big girl for example my gf is 8 to 10, 49kg ,  and that could most def' be the problem. Mind you , he probably won't tell you that he'll be damned if he does or talked about all over the internet if he doesn't . Some guys love heavy girls butttt , he's not one of them l'm afraid.  What else though do you say to her then if she;s way over weight and just not doing it for him, she be talking like this about him if he lets it go and be putting all kinds pressure bc there's no action, pretending it'll just go away is doom .

Edited by Chilli
Ellener Established Member

Ellener

Posted
Posted

I often buy size 16-18 clothes and I'm not overweight; I don't like clingy clothes. I'm 54 and it doesn't look good for me to be too thin nowadays either.

This is not about your boyfriend though, you must have been thinking about it to ask such a bold question, and frankly if someone called me 'fat' I'd just laugh or shrug it off, I'm happy with my body shape and size.

If you're not then work on it. You'll never be content with it unless you accept yourself and like yourself- as you are, or change.

Impotence is a separate issue I think. Diabetes, medication, enlarged prostate, depression are all known causes and he should maybe get checked out with a doctor. Lots of men seem to use Cialis/Viagra these days it's very common.

 

clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Alwayscats said:

I’m totally confused and hurt today.  I am fat but not extremely fat I would say I’m more curvy but I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was fat and he said yes :( I’m absolutely devastated.  From my previous post you have all seen that we struggle to have sex due to him being impotent (not being able to get hard) so obviously now he has said this I feel it’s all about my weight.  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry all on my own.  I am a size 16-18.  Do you all think I’m over reacting? 

Don't ask questions like this if you don't want to hear the answer.  You say yourself that you are fat, so why are you so devastated that he affirmed what you already know?  Did you want him to lie to you?  I'm sorry, but it's so confusing to me when women do this.  

  • Like 19
FMW Established Member

FMW

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It seems from your other posts you've only been together a few months, right?  So I assume there was no significant difference in your weight or appearance from when you met until now.  So it would seem he finds you attractive as you are, otherwise why would he have even started seeing you?

Saying yes, you're fat is kind of a clueless response for him to have made, but as has been mentioned, you did ask.  Maybe "fat" to him, as far as it might relate to you, is not necessarily a bad thing.  What was his attitude when he said it?  Did he say anything else - or did you?

Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

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OK.... I'm a little split on this... so please don't get upset.

Let me start with saying... I'm the kind of guy who likes a little meat on a woman.  I think a girl should be soft, and curvy.   But... I'm very blunt, and honest.  SO... I've told my current GF a few times... "Don't ask a question you don't want the REAL answer to."     So... if someone who is "Fat" asks... "Am I fat"... they will get an answer that may be hurtful to them. 

Because of that... I really need to ask you... if you know you are a little overweight... why did you ask a question you know the real answer to?  You are basically setting yourself up to be hurt... or lied to. 

With that said... I feel he may just be taking out his anger of his ED on you.

Regardless... I am sorry you feel hurt, and you should probably consider leaving your BF.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted

Sorry to hear this. He's insulting you. It's time to reconsider being with someone so rude/hurtful.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Never in my life have I ask anyone if I am fat. It is up to me to assess and answer that question about myself. Sorry but asking your BF if you are fat is an insecure way to get affirmation/attention. What you did with him, now you are coming here trying to get it from us. I think you need to get to the root of why you are doing this. Maybe do a check on your self worth, get out of your abusive situation. IMO you should not care what others think or care to know how you look...Be happy with yourself/who you are, and better things will happen in your life.

Edited by smackie9
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted (edited)

Not saying he should’ve said that, but why ask questions you don’t want an honest answer to. 

Edited by Shortskirtslonglashes
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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I'm the kind of guy who likes a little meat on a woman.  I think a girl should be soft, and curvy.  

Same here... I have dated some very thin women, but they were always hungry, thus they were moody/angry.  I'd rather have a happy chubby woman.

I don't consider size 16-18 to be fat... Curvy - yes, fat - no.

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gamon Established Member

gamon

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, clia said:

Don't ask questions like this if you don't want to hear the answer.  You say yourself that you are fat, so why are you so devastated that he affirmed what you already know?  Did you want him to lie to you?  I'm sorry, but it's so confusing to me when women do this.  

Quoted for truth. You asked, he answered. 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Alwayscats said:

I’m totally confused and hurt today.  I am fat but not extremely fat I would say I’m more curvy but I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was fat and he said yes

Would you have preferred he lie?  You said yourself you're fat and he agreed, not seeing the issue.

You asked him a question, but in your mind there was really only one "right" answer apparently.

For him to lie and say no you're not fat even though he thinks you are, and you yourself think you are.  

To answer your question, yes I think you are over-reacting big time.

Don't ask questions if you become devastated when not hearing the "right" answer.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

Going by your height and dress size, it sounds like you are overweight or maybe even obese. There are calculators online to help you determine this. 

People attach far too much emotion to their body weight. I get it - but it doesn't really get you anywhere. If you like, instead of thinking "I'm fat," you can think, "I have extra fat on my body." 

If you want to lose weight because you want to feel and look better and be healthier, it's not really that hard to do. 90% of it is mental/emotional. There are more tools and guidance online to help people lose weight now than ever before. You can find success stories of people of every age, from young adult to senior citizens, who lose tons of weight by applying focus and discipline. 

I myself have gradually lost 15 pounds during the pandemic through a conscious effort to eat lighter and work out a little more. The pandemic has been emotionally trying at times, but when it comes to my body, I feel happier and better than I have in a long time.

Now, about this boyfriend. I looked at your other threads, and this doesn't sound like a good relationship. Not texting you, pushing you away when you try to initiate sex, and many other things you describe indicate this guy either isn't into you or has deeper issues. There are plenty of men out there who are OK dating overweight/obese women - some men even like it and prefer it. So you don't have to lose weight to get a man.

If you want to lose weight for yourself because you'd feel better, you can do it. The best way to get started is to download the free MyFitnessPal app and start logging what you eat and any exercise you do every day. Most people when they start doing this are shocked by how much they're overeating. Gradually, you can make adjustments and the weight will start coming off. Feel free to PM me if you need tips or support.

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MrPlop Established Member

MrPlop

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Posted (edited)
  • Did you gain weight after you two started dating? (No? Then he met you like that, no complains) (Yes, then in his defense he met you like that and had certain expectations).
  • Is he fit or works out? (No? then you can't really ask without putting the effort yourself first) (Yes? then he'd prolly can't understand if he can work out why you can't).
  • Do you have any issue that prevent you from working out? (No? then go for it! Working out is an awesome anti-depressant) (Yes? seek medical help for your own benefit).

Ultimately there's two kinds of "fat"; the I want to look in better shape fat and the I'm clinically obese fat. If you want to look better and are willing to hit the gym it could be a fun couple thing to do early in the morning, and if things don't work out with this guy you'd still feel really accomplished. If you are having health issues due to obesity then really get into exercise for your own good.

Now when I say look "better" nobody is saying you have to be a size 6, it's about having that energy and determination to get up every day to exercise. And remember your bf criticism is fine, but if it turns into physiological abuse & shaming is not.

Edited by MrPlop
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Alvi Established Member

Alvi

Posted
Posted (edited)

Unless you gained a significant amount of weight since you met him, I don't see why he would have a problem with your weight. Obviously the two of you have met in person.  Obviously he liked what he saw, at least enough for you to become a couple. Don't think your weight is the reason for him "problems." Why date someone you don't find attractive?

Edited by Alvi
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted (edited)

I can think of several reasons just off the top of my head

Edited by Shortskirtslonglashes
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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Alwayscats said:

Thank you for this I really needed to hear this.  I’m 5ft 3 as well I forgot to put that in there. X 

So perfectly average US height.  There are plenty who will think you are fine, especially if fit/active.   Also, what is he offering exactly besides denigration? 

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, clia said:

Don't ask questions like this if you don't want to hear the answer.  You say yourself that you are fat, so why are you so devastated that he affirmed what you already know?  Did you want him to lie to you?  I'm sorry, but it's so confusing to me when women do this.  

Like when any friend asks you a question about something they may be sensitive about it's how you answer that makes a difference.  One can be supportive while also being truthful. 

It's basic emotional intelligence, or basic coaching intelligence.  Some players respond well to denigration and yelling, others a more calm and supportive approach is required to get the best performance.     

I suspect she wants honesty with affirmation, which is kind of a reasonable expectation from a boyfriend.  I'm certain he doesn't want her to be bluntly honest about his sexual performance, or lack thereof.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

5'3", size 16-18?  Sorry that is quite overweight. 

I just checked the numbers, average weight for 5'3" is between 106-135 lbs.

On average a 135 lb woman is a size 8-10.  

That said, I contend your boyfriend could have been more sensitive when answering.  

Something like "yes you could stand to lose a few but you are still beautiful to me" or something like that. 

Many people have gained during covid.  I know I have, around 5 lbs.  Not much.  It took me literally 3 days to lose.

Healthy breakfast - goat cheese omelette made with real egg substitute, half cup cottage cheese .

Lunch - salad with light Italian, quarter pita.

Dinner - hot dog (all beef) grilled, half cup of homemade baked beans.  Or two chicken thighs (with skin!) with the beans.  

Delish!  Lost 5 lbs in 3 days.  😂

Edited by poppyfields
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

5'3", size 16-18?  Sorry that is quite overweight. 

I just checked the numbers, average weight for 5'3" is between 106-135 lbs.

On average a 135 lb woman is a size 8-10.  

That said, I contend your boyfriend could have been more sensitive when answering.  

Something like "yes you could stand to lose a few but you are still beautiful to me" or something like that. 

Many people have gained during covid.  I know I have, around 5 lbs.  Not much.  It took me literally 3 days to lose.

Healthy breakfast - goat cheese omelette made with real egg substitute, half cup cottage cheese .

Lunch - salad with light Italian, quarter pita.

Dinner - hot dog (all beef) grilled, half cup of homemade baked beans.  Or two chicken thighs (with skin!) with the beans.  

Delish!  Lost 5 lbs in 3 days.  😂

Oh and drink LOTS of water, ten 8 ounce glasses a day, it really helps! 

Assuming you're looking to lose, you may not be!  Which is okay.  

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

If the OP is in the UK 16 -18 is US 12-14.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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