Miss Spider Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, IntBrowser said: actually right now I am seeking a intimate encounter to get my mind off of what just happened. So that $200 was the main purpose of that not dating. I postponed dating until 2021 actually i am seeking someone who is not my type to gain my confidence because Im so down That’s going to boost your confidence? Really? Well, whatever works for you. I do hope you seek treatment for your depression and can get back to dating with a healthy mindset Edited November 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
smackie9 Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 Her paying,....a free meal isn't wasting anyone's time, especially if it got you out of the house for an evening gee whiz! 2 1
carhill Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 OP, stuff happens, the more women you meet the more stories you can tell. Long before the internet I had such warped experiences that I made a choice to take an amount equal to what I spent on those strange dates and buy Exxon stock with the goal of it paying for a wedding ring one day. It took about 15 years of strange to get there but hey that's how life goes some times. IDK if this advice is helpful but today I see it as if it doesn't flow, let it go, no analysis, no second guesses, no second chances. If it feels off, regardless of whatever, no animus, simply move on. 1 1
Author IntBrowser Posted November 24, 2020 Author Posted November 24, 2020 18 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Her paying,....a free meal isn't wasting anyone's time, especially if it got you out of the house for an evening gee whiz! im used to a woman making herself unavailable when she doesnt feel a romantic spark. so this was something I never experienced before
Author IntBrowser Posted November 24, 2020 Author Posted November 24, 2020 50 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Why did you allow her to pay? The entire bill? Second date? I find that strange. because i thought she was interested and was going to pay for the next date
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, IntBrowser said: im used to a woman making herself unavailable when she doesnt feel a romantic spark. so this was something I never experienced before Don't know how old you are or how experienced and hope this doesn't sound preachy or condescending. But life is full of different experiences, many can be conflicting. Best to not try to figure it out, and simply roll with it. It's all a journey mate. Live, learn, grow, evolve. Embrace it, enjoy it. Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields 2
SumGuy Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 14 hours ago, IntBrowser said: ....So i decided to spend $200 tonight on 4 different dating memberships to see what can happen before the year is over because as of right now I have 0 options lol Good idea, keep out there Quote So I wont be going out as friends so her number is deleted. Bad idea, unless you are so busy going on a friend date just can't happen.. Even if she decides to friend zone you (no guarantee that is what her request was about at all) she still has friends. The best wingman is a wing-woman. 1
SumGuy Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: You thought because she paid she was very interested. Wrong. She paid as she was not feeling it and didn't want you to waste your money on her. Disagree. I've found it no indication whatsoever of how she is feeling. Had women pay who wanted to jump me, ones who felt it was just fair, ones who didn't want expectations, and ones like you say were not interested. Zero correlation between paying or not. 3
Mo_Do Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 41 minutes ago, carhill said: OP, stuff happens, the more women you meet the more stories you can tell. Long before the internet I had such warped experiences that I made a choice to take an amount equal to what I spent on those strange dates and buy Exxon stock with the goal of it paying for a wedding ring one day. It took about 15 years of strange to get there but hey that's how life goes some times. IDK if this advice is helpful but today I see it as if it doesn't flow, let it go, no analysis, no second guesses, no second chances. If it feels off, regardless of whatever, no animus, simply move on. This only comes from years of experience so you can't blame a younger dude for falling into traps, its all a learning experience. I can spot the red flags a mile away these days, I can tell by her messages and texting how she'll be in person and give up before even meeting. I can spot a rebounder within seconds etc. She did throw the dude a curve ball, agreeing to meet and paying, then asking to be friends - sounds like she was hot to trot but he screwed it up royally during the second date, texted too much or was needy. Learn from it OP.
SumGuy Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Why did you allow her to pay? The entire bill? Second date? I find that strange. I don't. I've had this situation, the reason given is I got the first one. Doesn't seem strange at all. Of course I do not date in the sea of those who think men paying is some natural gender role. 2
Author IntBrowser Posted November 24, 2020 Author Posted November 24, 2020 33 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Good idea, keep out there Bad idea, unless you are so busy going on a friend date just can't happen.. Even if she decides to friend zone you (no guarantee that is what her request was about at all) she still has friends. The best wingman is a wing-woman. if she calls and still wants to stay in contact I wont mind but I am not going out of my way to contact her like I did last week,
Author IntBrowser Posted November 24, 2020 Author Posted November 24, 2020 32 minutes ago, Mo_Do said: This only comes from years of experience so you can't blame a younger dude for falling into traps, its all a learning experience. I can spot the red flags a mile away these days, I can tell by her messages and texting how she'll be in person and give up before even meeting. I can spot a rebounder within seconds etc. She did throw the dude a curve ball, agreeing to meet and paying, then asking to be friends - sounds like she was hot to trot but he screwed it up royally during the second date, texted too much or was needy. Learn from it OP. hot to trot?
Lotsgoingon Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) Oh man, you thought her paying meant she was interested? OMG, just the absolute opposite is true. Anytime a woman insists on paying (not just lightly making a polite offer) it's a definite sign that she is not interested in me for romance. A woman paying is a way of keeping some distance, a way of disrupting the energy of traditional courtship. Some women think that if they accept a guy's treat they are indicating they are interested in the guy. And they then pay to not send that signal. Women who are interested --women who later on will split everything with the guy--usually don't have problem letting a guy pay on a first date or two. It's just a courtship ritual. Dude, some people go out on dates with people they're not sure about. Then they evaluate based on the meeting. That's what you need to be doing. Why do you assume this woman was worth going out with again? It's like you just assume you like her and that she's a good fit for you. But you don't know her. Most likely she was giving out friendship energy on the date when you met. You just missed it. BTW: with this woman paying, I can guarantee you that her energy was all friend-friendzone energy when she was with you. You want to learn to pick up on that. Guarantee you that she didn't flirt. Edited November 24, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 1
Mo_Do Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 5 hours ago, IntBrowser said: hot to trot? If you had a good 1st date, then she asked for the 2nd and to pay, then she wanted you bad - but reading your post again, that wasn't the case. Honestly looked like she wanted to pay you back a bit - was date 1 really pricey?
Author IntBrowser Posted November 25, 2020 Author Posted November 25, 2020 2 hours ago, Mo_Do said: If you had a good 1st date, then she asked for the 2nd and to pay, then she wanted you bad - but reading your post again, that wasn't the case. Honestly looked like she wanted to pay you back a bit - was date 1 really pricey? Not at all it was a sidewalk cafe lol
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) Did she offer to pay and you said yes right off the bat, or did the two of you back and forth about it and then you let her do it? Edited November 25, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease question mark instead of period
SolG Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, elaine567 said: You thought because she paid she was very interested. Wrong. She paid as she was not feeling it and didn't want you to waste your money on her. Yep. I will always pay under these circumstances. Sometimes a guy will look good on paper, but it just doesn't gel when you meet in the flesh. They may be a perfectly lovely person... but just not what I'm looking for. I think it's only fair as someone who can afford it to compensate them for their time by paying the bill, and wish them well. There's a lot of guys out there spending money on first dates that go nowhere. That's expensive over time. I'm happy to treat - who knows, maybe the next date they go on will be with 'Miss Right' for them and they can spend that extra cash on her and she'll appreciate it! Also gotta admit I'm somewhat motivated by a previous bad experience. Years ago I went on a date with a guy who pulled out all the stops. Silver service, French champagne, etc. I stupidly let him pay when he insisted, only to be incessantly abused until I blocked him when I politely declined a second date. His main bone of contention being his 'investment' in me. I don't want anyone investing in me, unless I'm invested in a potential relationship with them. Edited November 25, 2020 by SolG Word correction. 1
Mo_Do Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 Then you arent telling us the truth, sounds like she rejected you on the 1st date and you then agreed to be friends, so she went with it. Now you are questioning why.
salparadise Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 16 hours ago, SumGuy said: Disagree. I've found it no indication whatsoever of how she is feeling. Had women pay who wanted to jump me, ones who felt it was just fair, ones who didn't want expectations, and ones like you say were not interested. Zero correlation between paying or not. I don't. I've had this situation, the reason given is I got the first one. Doesn't seem strange at all. Of course I do not date in the sea of those who think men paying is some natural gender role. Same here. Obviously the perspectives here on LS run full circle (mostly traditionalists), but in all of the good relationships and dating experiences I've had the women offered to share costs, either splitting or alternating. In fact, if a woman sits there when the check comes and acts like free is her female birthright, I interpret it as a negative... it certainly does not indicate that she is "into me." It only means that she has an entitlement mentality, unevolved. The use of the word "friends" is not necessarily a death knell either, although it's never positive. I hate the ambiguation of the word as used in this context. Yes, it often means low interest... but I'd be happy to receive attention and waste your time by encouraging you to treat me like a girlfriend, while I hold you at arms-length and pursue other men who are better at peacocking and acting like narcissists. Then there are those for whom it means, "I don't intend to bed you on the first date, but maybe the third." For these it's more of a false modesty, feigning demure, kind of thing... so they can say that they intended to hold out, or whatever. As a man, either drop immediately or crank up the heat if you sense there's a spark. I had one recently who puled the friend crap, and when I told her no thanks- I'm out she came over two days later to get laid. What they say sometimes has no bearing on what they actually mean.
Fletch Lives Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 If any women want to buy me dinner, I'm game. I'm cheap like dat! 1
poppyfields Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) Hi Sal, just so I have this right, you invite a woman on a first date, say to dinner, and if she doesn't offer to pay her share, you deem her to be entitled and a negative? Of course once you begin dating, it becomes more balanced, but the first or second date? This surprises me. It's funny cause if a man invited me on first date and expected me to pay, I would be having some very negative feelings myself. It goes both ways I s'pose. That said, whenever I wasn't into him, I offered to pay. Most times, he declined and insisted on paying. Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields 1
salparadise Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hi Sal, just so I have this right, you invite a woman on a first date, say to dinner, and if she doesn't offer to pay her share, you deem her to be entitled and a negative? Of course once you begin dating, it becomes more balanced, but the first or second date? This surprises me. Yes, you got that right. I realize not everyone views it the same way, but... I mostly date progressive, educated women, and they invariably offer, at least. Sometimes I've gotten the feeling that they were a bit unsure and making the offer because they felt they should. Sometimes I've accepted readily, and other times I've said, "that's okay- allow me." And to that I've had some who allowed me to pay and others who insisted on splitting. My previous relationship began with a first date at an inexpensive restaurant, and when the check came I tried to waive her off, but she said, "no, I really prefer that we split it." She texted afterward and said she hoped we could do it again soon. After that we alternated but never kept score. This woman held a PhD and was quite progressive, which seems to be my type. So, if I go out with someone who doesn't even offer, just sits there like it's my obligation and her privilege based on nothing but gender... yea, I see that as a negative. I'm interested in a partner, not a dependent. But beyond that, I respect women realize you can't rationally have it both ways... acting like equality is important, except when the waiter brings the check. It also signals that they don't view dating and relationship as transactional, at least not in the literal sense. Why are you surprised? I'm surprised that you don't get this. 2
808Traveler Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 I had a similar thing happen to me once as well. It sounds like she is testing you. I would have responded with something like, it's ok my high adventure prowess has that affect sometimes. If she is testing you she'll play back
poppyfields Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) @Sal, lol, well I am educated, great career, and consider myself progressive and when a man invites me to dinner, first date, I've been told (by men) it's his pleasure to pay, he expects to pay, HE invited me after all. If I invited him, I would pay. If we continue to date, it becomes reciprocal. Different strokes, and if your approach works for you no judgment from me. To suggest that only educated progressive women think like you is way off the mark as far as I'm concerned I'm sure, in fact I know many uneducated women for whom the word "progressive" isn't even part of their vocabulary who think like you and would offer to pay when a man invites them out on first date. PS: I do get it Sal, was surprised as it relates to a first date when a man invites a woman out for the first time. That's all. Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Mrin Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) Meh it happens. Could be a lot of reasons. Maybe she met some other guy after your first date. Or maybe she was already dating another guy and it escalated physically and she's the sleep with one person at one time type. Or you might have said something on your second date that was a red flag to her and killed her romantic interest. Or maybe she was due to menstruate or had another feminine issue during the time date #3 was being considered and wanted to see you but also make sure sex was not on the table. It was date #3 after all. Edited November 25, 2020 by Mrin 1
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