Most 'successful' I've ever been yet sadder than ever (rant)

[TheEternalPessimist]

Hey everyone,

this is probably going to be a rant more than anything else, I'm not even really sure I'm looking for any proper advice.

I'm in my mid-20s closing in on 30, I have a B.A. and I speak 4 languages. About 2 years ago, I left the country I lived in for 20 years and moved to Europe where I studied in one country for a year and upon not being able to stay there afterwards I moved to another European country (the one I was born in but who's citizenship I don't have and won't have anytime soon). I moved because I hated the country I was living in before with my parents, hated the weather, had no friends, no job, no career perspective here, basically no reason to stay there and waste time.

Within 3 months of living where I live now, I found a job. It's an office job which goes in line with what I've studied. I got hired in January, worked at the office for about 7 weeks and then we were all sent home when the pandemic started last March. I work 40 hours a week and make about 32,000$ gross a year which is ok I guess although at times it really feels like nothing and it doesn't enable me to have a lot of savings which I need for long-term plans. I also pay a lot of income tax so really at the end of the day I'm only left with about 800$ of savings per month (that's if I don't have any unexpected spendings). That also limits my capacity to have any kind of fun trips because money gets spend quickly and easily especially you're not even a middle-income earner.

My job is more or less the only thing that's keeping me going, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have it or if I were to lose it, God forbid. My love life is a complete and utter disaster, I've never had a girlfriend and I'm still a virgin even though I'm fast approaching 30. I want to make it clear right away that it is definitely NOT by choice. At an age where most people around me are either in solid long-term relationships, thinking about getting married or making serious plans in order to get married soon, I'm light years behind all of that and have the experience of a 10 year old when it comes to any kind of intimacy and close contact with another human being. To give you an idea, one of my close friends living in a neighboring country is 21 years old, has a good citizenship, just recently started working, is in a steady relationship and is planning to get married in just a few months time. This is a good example of what I mean when I say I'm light years behind. Over the years and even going back to when I was still living with my parents, there isn't a strategy or a dating app I didn't try but to no avail. I got people involved who tried to help me but again to no avail. Now due to the pandemic, it's hard to meet anybody at the moment and the women from work I tried to befriend not even necessarily thinking about dating (most are older and have boyfriends) seemed very standoffish, passive-aggressive at times and overall rude to the point where it felt almost as if I was trying to send someone to the moon so it pissed me off. My friendships are also non-existent, due to recurrent bad experiences with "friends" over the years, I can't stand most people nowadays, I've lost almost all desire to socialize and I'm not really even looking to make friends so I'm not going to pretend that this bothers me the most. I have a 30 year old female roommate, we get along well but we're not friends and we don't talk much. Her boyfriend recently stayed over at our place for about 10 days and lectured me about my pathetic love life... He of course doesn't have those problems because like 100% of men around me he can get sex as he pleases essentially just by existing.

Besides all of this, I also have a huge weight problem. I'm heavily underweight, not to the point of anorexia thankfully but certainly not to a point where it's healthy for me neither. I weight about 117 lbs and I'm 5 ft 8 tall. Even my female cousin weights more than I do and she is 10 years younger than me.. I have tried different diets, seeked advice from my doctor and family members but again nothing changed for the better. No matter what I do or what I eat, I cannot seem to gain weight.

While I am thankful for my job, I do not plan to keep it or to stay in the country I live in now longer than necessary which unfortunately in my case means keeping the job I have now for another 4 years and staying in the country for at least 5 to 7 more years to get citizenship. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time and will waste a lot of time waiting for this despite working. One of the criterias for citizenship is to work at least for 5 straight years which to me sounds insane, almost undoable and puts a lot of pressure on me which I would rather do without.

There are other issues but the main ones are here, I’m just so tired of all of this and of feeling depressed, frustrated and pissed off at everything all the time. I have and am still considering seeing a psychologist but ultimately a psychologist won’t help me find a girlfriend, lose my virginity, get married, be happy again, gain some weight etc. Not to mention that part of my future plans include saving a lot of money (from the very weak salary that I have) and it’s money I cannot afford to give to a psychologist right now. 

As you can tell, my life is one big mess.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I’m just so tired of all of this and of feeling depressed, frustrated and pissed off at everything all the time. I have and am still considering seeing a psychologist but ultimately a psychologist won’t help me find a girlfriend, lose my virginity, get married, be happy again, gain some weight etc. Not to mention that part of my future plans include saving a lot of money (from the very weak salary that I have) and it’s money I cannot afford to give to a psychologist right now. 

Sorry you are feeling low. 

Maybe there is a support group can help? Online peer support?

I don't think it's helpful to compare yourself negatively to others, or criticise yourself. It's been a terrible year I know but things will get better again. 

Try to be positive, that's what attracts good people into our life I think. 

Don't worry too far into the future.

 

[Wiseman2]

Get to another doctor. Make sure you are thoroughly worked up for underlying medical problems.

As far as love life, virginity,etc, no a psychologist can't help with that.

First find out what the physical problems are and in the meantime address your eating and workout plan.

Dating/sex, etc. will only come when you feel better about yourself.

[Milly May June]

Hi there, your story breaks my heart. I understand this must be a very lonely existance. I would advise you to first and foremost try to connect with other people. Give friendship another go. That is a start. And making friends in Europe can be tricky (in some countires at least). Dont get discourraged. There are apps out there that connect people for friendships only. There are also online meet up communities when the time is right. 

What are you hobbies and interest outside work? Work is something that should keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back but it should not substitute a life. 

As for being underweight, see a specialist or a dietist. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

On 11/24/2020 at 4:08 AM, Ellener said:

Sorry you are feeling low. 

Maybe there is a support group can help? Online peer support?

I don't think it's helpful to compare yourself negatively to others, or criticise yourself. It's been a terrible year I know but things will get better again. 

Try to be positive, that's what attracts good people into our life I think. 

Don't worry too far into the future.

 

I have considered online peer support maybe, the thing is I don't know where exactly to look and what are my options.

Me criticising myself is based on a lifetime of failures and literally NEVER getting what I want, it has nothing to do with 2020 being a terrible year because of COVID-19. I already wasn't feeling well way before the pandemic and the pandemic didn't make it better or worse.

As for not worrying too far into the future, I have no choice. If I want to achieve my goals, I have to live without any failures, can't afford any slip-ups for at least the next 4-5 years and try to be happy in the meantime which I haven't been for at least 10 years now. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Hi there, your story breaks my heart. I understand this must be a very lonely existance. I would advise you to first and foremost try to connect with other people. Give friendship another go. That is a start. And making friends in Europe can be tricky (in some countires at least). Dont get discourraged. There are apps out there that connect people for friendships only. There are also online meet up communities when the time is right. 

What are you hobbies and interest outside work? Work is something that should keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back but it should not substitute a life. 

As for being underweight, see a specialist or a dietist. 

I'm not sure I'm ready just yet to give friendship another go. It frustrates me because I usually get along better with women than with men friend-wise but I am not looking to have any women friends anymore because at this point in my life it's freaking useless. I already have to deal with the ones I know behaving weirdly at times and being flaky. I don't know any apps to connect people for friendships only.

I don't have a whole lot of hobbies and interests outside of work, very few things stimulate or motivate me anymore.

I already saw several specialists, they said they couldn't do anything for me as oppose to if I was overweight. You can imagine how "attractive" being a pack of bones looks to the opposite gender..

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

If I want to achieve my goals, I have to live without any failures, can't afford any slip-ups

Is that realistic? 
I'm sorry you have been so unhappy.

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

It's almost virtually impossible which is also part of the problem. ^^

[elaine567]

On 11/24/2020 at 12:50 AM, TheEternalPessimist said:

While I am thankful for my job, I do not plan to keep it or to stay in the country I live in now longer than necessary which unfortunately in my case means keeping the job I have now for another 4 years and staying in the country for at least 5 to 7 more years to get citizenship.

Why are you on a long road to citizenship of a country, a country that you have no intention of living in?

[TheEternalPessimist]

49 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why are you on a long road to citizenship of a country, a country that you have no intention of living in?

Because it's the only country I can live in right now as a non-EU citizen and the long road to citizenship is the only way to get an EU citizenship which will then enable me to finally live in the country I want to live in. I have no other way and no other choice. As such, you can surely understand my deep frustration because I am wasting the best years of my life and a lot of time..

[Ellener]

5 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Because it's the only country I can live in right now as a non-EU citizen and the long road to citizenship is the only way to get an EU citizenship which will then enable me to finally live in the country I want to live in. I have no other way and no other choice. As such, you can surely understand my deep frustration because I am wasting the best years of my life and a lot of time..

nothing's ever really 'wasted' depending on how you are going to look at it.

I've hated my horrible 2020, but just had to calm down and find some positives to hold on to. But yes, you are frustrated, it's like jumping through hoops or not seeing a clear path forward. Yet.

"The best is yet to come' is a good attitude in life, too, even the amazing things of life soon become just a memory in the past- always look for the joy in the present and hope for the future- I think.

[Milly May June]

I think you need to change your perspective and instead of focusing on negative aspects find things you are grateful for. If you can not change your situation, change your attitude and take concrete steps to make your personal life better. Making connections with people and making friends is a first step. You appar to be stuck in a negative spiral and nothing will improve unless you choose to. You have gotten some good tips. The rest is up to you. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

37 minutes ago, Ellener said:

nothing's ever really 'wasted' depending on how you are going to look at it.

I've hated my horrible 2020, but just had to calm down and find some positives to hold on to. But yes, you are frustrated, it's like jumping through hoops or not seeing a clear path forward. Yet.

"The best is yet to come' is a good attitude in life, too, even the amazing things of life soon become just a memory in the past- always look for the joy in the present and hope for the future- I think.

When I have to wait until I'm about 34 years old to finally at the very least live where I want to live and pray to God immigration laws don't get even more strict in the meantime (chances are that's exactly what will happen in the light-years before I get the right citizenship), I consider that to be time wasted not being where I want to be and having to wait for years to get there, being unhappy etc.

2020 was horrible for everyone so I'm not going to pretend everyone but me has had a great year. With that being said, I literally never met anyone that has all these negative aspects in his life that I have.

"The best is yet to come" attitude has led me nowhere in life so far, I absolutely do not believe in it anymore.

[Ellener]

The years will pass whatever you do @TheEternalPessimist Find something good,something positive, something fulfilling, however small, in every day.

Look into 'mindfulness', focus on feeling okay in the present moment and stop worrying about the far-off future?

If you need to vent and be angry and express your frustration that's okay, but draw a line under it afterwards.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think a psychologist / counselor might be able to help with your issues, and it would be worthwhile to invest in a few sessions to see how it goes. You've fortunate to have a stable job and income, and having $800/month to save at your age isn't bad at all. You're doing better than a lot of people at your stage in life. None of your issues should stop you from working your way up the professional ladder continuously, which will help with finances and security.

I understand when times are hard it's easy to get stuck in a negative spiral - but you have to find ways to improve your outlook. Counting your many blessings every day is a good way to get more of them. Helping other people however you can can be uplifting. The holidays are a good time to volunteer or make a charitable contribution of some kind to a worthy organization.

In my younger days, I sometimes felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere. While I still march to my own beat, I realize now that I have a lot to offer my friends, family, and the larger world through simply listening, being supportive, helping people focus on and build a better future. We all have a place in the world and something meaningful to offer.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[TheEternalPessimist]

That's all cute and fun but what are my "many blessings"? Sure having a job is cool and all but chances are I won't even be able to keep it for years to come and it's literally the only thing that's keeping me going. I have a long road of waiting ahead of me. 

[Ruby Slippers]

In a global pandemic, a whole lot of people don't have a job at all right now, are stretched so thin they're waiting in hours-long lines at the food bank, wondering if they might be the next one to be evicted and thrown out on the streets. So I'd say you're quite fortunate to have a stable job and income.

[Milly May June]

So what is going to change in your life once you get this citezenship? Are you truly going to be happy moving to the new country or do you think you Will find still missing in your life? My point is that missery will follow you no matter where you go. Most of the time our unhappiness is the product of our own actions or the ability not to take actions, thinking that life is happening to us and we are just passangers in the vehicle. Its all in your mindset. You eithet get in the driver seat or at the very least look out the window and enjoy the scenary. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

In a global pandemic, a whole lot of people don't have a job at all right now, are stretched so thin they're waiting in hours-long lines at the food bank, wondering if they might be the next one to be evicted and thrown out on the streets. So I'd say you're quite fortunate to have a stable job and income.

Of course I am fortunate, my point was rather that that's pretty much the only thing to be fortunate about right now in my case. Also there is no guarantee I will necessarily be able to keep that job in the long-term (5 years at least) which concerns me deeply.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 hours ago, Milly May June said:

So what is going to change in your life once you get this citezenship? Are you truly going to be happy moving to the new country or do you think you Will find still missing in your life? My point is that missery will follow you no matter where you go. Most of the time our unhappiness is the product of our own actions or the ability not to take actions, thinking that life is happening to us and we are just passangers in the vehicle. Its all in your mindset. You eithet get in the driver seat or at the very least look out the window and enjoy the scenary. 

YES! Arguably happier than I've been in the past 10 years for sure. There will still be other things missing of course but hopefully for one I won't still be a virgin by than. 

[Milly May June]

Ok, what makes you sure all will be better when you move to a new country? Is it a language barrier where you are living now? Are you isolated (living in a remote area)? 

If you want things to improve start with grasping low hanging fruits. Join meet and greet circles. They arrange activities (now probably online). The app i recommended is called 'gofriendly'. Not sure if its available in your country. 

The life you want is not gonna fall in your lap. When living in a new country you have to put in more effort to make a life for yourself and meet new people. 

 

Edited November 30, 2020 by Milly May June

[Milly May June]

As for your physical appearance. I can tell you i used to be married to a handsome man. He could have been a model in a magazine. Unfortunetly his character and personality did not match his physical appearance hence the divorce. My current husband is bald, short and skinny and to me he is the most attractive man out there. Its not only the appearance. Its the whole package. What i am trying to say is that looks dont matter much if you dont have personality to match. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

8 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Ok, what makes you sure all will be better when you move to a new country? Is it a language barrier where you are living now? Are you isolated (living in a remote area)? 

If you want things to improve start with grasping low hanging fruits. Join meet and greet circles. They arrange activities (now probably online). The app i recommended is called 'gofriendly'. Not sure if its available in your country. 

The life you want is not gonna fall in your lap. When living in a new country you have to put in more effort to make a life for yourself and meet new people. 

 

Well for one there won't be the language barrier anymore. Living in a place where you don't understand most things and have no connection or attachment to the language is tough and disheartening just like it's depressing to know I will waste the best years of my life waiting for that citizenship and having to learn a language I don't care about.

As for meeting new people, I could care less about that right now. I've been hurt way too often and way too hard to have any real desire to make new friends right now.

 

8 hours ago, Milly May June said:

As for your physical appearance. I can tell you i used to be married to a handsome man. He could have been a model in a magazine. Unfortunetly his character and personality did not match his physical appearance hence the divorce. My current husband is bald, short and skinny and to me he is the most attractive man out there. Its not only the appearance. Its the whole package. What i am trying to say is that looks dont matter much if you dont have personality to match. 

While you are right, you know very well that women look at physical appearance first and foremost (men do too, I'm not going to be a hypocrite). Also women can get sex as they please while men only get sex when the women decide they will give them that hence why I'm in my situation. It's pathetic but it's the way life is..