ExpatInItaly Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 3 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said: She was abused as a child, and is dealing with a PTSD, depression and various other issues, as well as more practical day-to-day issues. It's been tough for me too if I'm honest. I've done the best I can with lots of things, but this whole spirits thing I struggle with because I simply have never experienced anything like it. It sounds like her belief that spirits and demons are attacking her is a maladaptive coping mechanism. I say that as someone without any background in mental health sciences, to be clear. It simply seems obvious (to me) that her past trauma and her present belief system are intertwined. As for what you can do - not much, if she's not open to addressing it beyond accusing you of not being supportive. It's understandable that you're finding this difficult to deal with. You need to step back and ask yourself if you're prepared to stay involved with her long-term, as it sounds like a belief she holds very closely to her and is not really open to further conversation about it. Do you know if she'd discussed her beliefs about spirits assaulting her with her doctor? 1
ShyViolet Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 10 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said: Those suggesting gently suggesting she see a doctor/psych: 1) she already sees both fairly regularly and 2) me suggesting she do this on the back of her talking about ghosts etc would not be well received (she'd likely accuse me of not believing/supporting her or invalidating her experiences etc) OP, I am concerned that you are a bit of a doormat in this relationship. You haven't even felt confident enough to be honest with her and tell her that you don't believe in this stuff, or that it concerns you. You just walk on eggeshells and dance around it, pretending that it's ok. This woman might not be mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. Do you not think that you can do better than this? Do you have low self-esteem?
Calmandfocused Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 You have a right to be concerned. I am concerned for you. Im not concerned because she believes in this stuff. It’s the fact that she uses this to scapegoat and justify (what I consider to be) bad behaviour. That is very concerning! Sounds like she won’t ever take responsibility for her actions; she’ll blame everything she does on an “evil spirit” Just remember that you won’t ever be able to rationalise, compromise and negotiate with an “Evil spirit”. It will be used as an excuse for everything. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said: I feel I have tried to respect it for two years, as I said, I have even gone to classes with her. But given some of the more extreme things she says (sexually assaulted by spirits in the night), something doesn't seem right. OP, your gf's view of spirits controlling her is not something you WANT to be supportive of! GF gets cancer, or suffers a serious injury, yes, you want to be supportive and understanding. GF thinks spirits can take possession of her and blames these spirits for certain outbursts, no! Your gf is not meeting the first standard required for a good partnership: basic sanity and connection to reality. We want to be supportive of people with serious trauma. But until that trauma is healed enough that the person can stay in constant touch with reality, thinking of marrying them is flat-out self-destructive. Her current mental health won't be able to sustain her in a relationship. I had an ex with borderline personality. One of the most disastrous decisions I made was to minimize this behavior. I came in for a world of suffering. I didn't realize at the time that my job was to make sure my partner could function well. Nothing matters if you can't come to a strong certainty about your partner's ability to function. No matter how much I liked other parts of my ex's personality, untreated borderline personality stuff could only ruin a relationship--and her condition ripped our relationship apart. And it always had, almost from the start. YOU will be the one who suffers and is neglected. You will suffer the harm. Dude, google "boundaries." If you're willing to put up with this, what aren't you willing to put up with? Edited November 24, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 1
Watercolors Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 Mr Glasgow I see this as an issue of compatibility. Your girlfriend has a deeply rooted belief in the supernatural and believes that ghosts can sexually assault her. She’s already in therapy for her childhood abuse but clearly that has not addressed her need to transfer those traumas into her belief in ghosts continuing the abuse she experienced from people in her real life. Meanwhile, you don’t believe in the same things that your g/f does AND you have enabled her belief for the past 2 years, attending classes meanwhile silently you don’t believe any of it. You are being a doormat with her which enables her to overpower your relationship with her belief system, where you don’t get any say as to what your beliefs are. You are allowing your g/f to have all the power in this r/s and instead of setting clear boundaries with her, you’re simply passively enabling her to continue her belief. The only way out of your situation is to do one of two things: either set proper boundaries with her and COME CLEAN about your disbelief in the spirit world OR break up with her citing incompatibility over her spiritual beliefs. If you can’t stand up for yourself in this relationship with regards to having her respect your beliefs, then you should not be in a relationship. Because you should not give all your power away to the relationship partner. That is not a relationship. That is codependency. I really think you should just break up with her, and explore why you give away your power to your relationship partners so quickly. If what she believes bothers you, you owe it to yourself and the relationship to TELL HER. She’ll be mad but SO WHAT. She’s an adult. If she wants to stay with you, she has to respect your boundaries that you simply cannot stand her belief, that you think its tied to her childhood abuse, and that it makes you extremely uncomfortable. You will have to admit that you have been lying to her for the past 3 years about supporting her supernatural belief system, which will further undermine any shred of credibility that you had to begin with as her boyfriend. But you set yourself up for that, by silently enabling her while secretly not believing. You should know that by coming clean about lying to her and supporting her when you didn’t believe in any of it, will have consequences. She will lose trust in you, and that’s a normal response because you’ve been lying to her for 3 years now, about something that is super important to her. There is no way out of your situation that doesn’t include feelings of betrayal and feelings of resentment. Either come clean and tell her the truth, or break up with her if you can’t do that. 2
Millennial Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 If you like your women feminine, then you generally have to expect a bit of harmless spiritual stuff or whatever else. Wind her up about it and have fun.
Millennial Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 I only say to take it more light-hearted. There's a lot of fun involved if you do. Not everything has to be hardcore logic. Hardcore atheists are the worst to hang around with.
Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) On 11/23/2020 at 8:40 AM, Glasgowguy90 said: This being attacked by a spirit thing has happened a number of times. At one point she left her house and stayed in a car No, you do not have children with a woman that is not medicated properly for her mental illness. One day you'll come home to an empty house and she'll be hiding under a bridge with your baby or worse, she could start imagining her child is possessed and harm him/her. Edited November 24, 2020 by Gaeta 1 1
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