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girlfriend [33F] believes in ghosts etc and I'm not sure how to respond.


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Posted

Been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years, living together for the past 2 or so. She is a little older than  me – 33, wheras I am 29. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster if I’m honest, but I do love her very much.

She believes strongly in a lot of paranormal things (ghosts basically). To give a flavour of this, here’s some things that she’s said/done over the years: She ‘senses’ bad energy in a seemingly benign room. She was ‘attacked’ by a ‘demon’ during the night. She was ‘sexually assaulted’ by an ‘entity’ during the night. After being a bit of an a**h*** to me for no apparent reason, she eventually said it was due to a spirit. This being attacked by a spirit thing has happened a number of times. At one point she left her house and stayed in a car (I wasn’t there at the time). She’s sought out exorcist-type people, paid psychics or for courses on being a psychic, and other relatively benign things like done ‘cleanses’ with various rituals. 

This is not an everyday thing, so I don’t want to give that impression. However, I simply do not believe in any of this stuff, at least not to nearly the same extent she does. I do try to be open-minded and supportive, and even went to one of her psychic classes. It’s obviously a difficult line to walk though, because I don’t want to tell her I flat out don’t believe in any of this or imply she’s making it up (which I suspect she would not take well) but I also don’t want to encourage it. So my approach thusfar, has been brushing it off gently– especially since it hasn’t happened all that often.

However, I’ve been thinking more about the future, and the possibility of eventually starting a family with this woman which has led me to considering issues like this a bit more. Is it wrong of me to be concerned about potentially having children subjected to this kindof behaviour/talk? Is this a major problem? Are my positive feelings for this person blinding me to the fact that this is a red flag? How should I handle this in the short term when she brings this stuff up?

She had a troubled, abusive childhood which the rational part of me suspects is the cause of this. Advice appreciated. Thanks. 

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Posted

It sounds like it could be schizotypal personality disorder. I want to add that just because you haven’t experienced what she has doesn’t mean it’s not real, to her it’s real, whether it can be scientifically proven or not.

 

I would say,

Talk to her about this without blaming and judging her, please don’t tell her you don’t believe her.

Consider therapy for her or for both of you. 

Decide if you can live with her and accept her for who she is

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Posted

Dealing with the paranormal is a lifestyle. I see complete incompatibility here. You are here because it's in your face almost daily am I right? I'd be gone.

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Posted

Her pursuit of this is over the top.  Having an interest in or hobby about the paranormal is one thing, but to swallow it whole is irrational.  I feel the same way about people who seriously believe in gods and religions and behave as if it's real - unless you can prove it beyond a doubt then I don't want to hear about it and wouldn't date you.  To me, it's all superstitious nonsense.

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Posted (edited)

I think you should gently  encourage her to seek evaluation by a medical doctor.  

Edited by poppyfields
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Posted
3 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

Is it wrong of me to be concerned about potentially having children subjected to this kindof behaviour/talk? Is this a major problem? Are my positive feelings for this person blinding me to the fact that this is a red flag? How should I handle this in the short term when she brings this stuff up?

Yes it is a major problem.  I would never be able to be with someone like this.... it sounds like borderline mental illness.  It's also troubling that you have danced around the subject for the entire time that you have been with her and you haven't even been able to be honest and tell her that you don't believe in it.  You should NOT bring children into this situation.  She's not likely to change.  As she gets older she will probably become more eccentric and this will get worse.  I don't know how you've managed to stay with someone like this for as long as you have.

Posted

I believe in the Paranormal. I lived in a house that had a lot of questionable stuff happening.

That being said, maybe you should, GENTLY point her towards a doctor just so she can get evaluated? An evaluation never hurts anyone.

Posted (edited)

Assaulted by a ghost? I agree with the first poster that she should see a psych. 
 

I wouldn’t date someone who put this much stock in paranormal. It demonstrates to me a break in reason. Though it would have taken a lot less than 3 years for me to figure that out. 
 

You’re in a tricky situation. That’s who she is. If you can’t tolerate it, you might have to end it 

 

 

Edited by Shortskirtslonglashes
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Posted (edited)

Do you know if there is any history of mental health issues or substance abuse? Is she visiting ayahuasca shamans , for example? 

Is she from a different culture where these beliefs are in line with some sort of spirituality? Are her friends family like this? 

Edited by Wiseman2
Posted

Are you wrong to consider this a problem? On the contrary, you would be wildly, recklessly foolish to not pay attention her experiences of spirits and so on.

Heads up: how did you put off thinking about this issue for two years? Surely she talked this way at 9 months or even 6 months.

You dang right this is a problem. Because you want to be with someone whose view of the world feels solid to you and makes you feel safe. People can marry across religions as long as the partners respect each other's religion (or the particular way the person practices it). 

Does her reference to spirits feel safe and fine to you? Doesn't sound like it. I happen to have some close friends who do shaman work and who journey to the inner world and that. But they blame a present behavior on a spirit. They deliberately go into a ritual in which they tap into various spiritual energies they see and feel. One of my friends actually does work with someone who sees spirits in the same way your gf does. My friend thinks this person has tons of unprocessed trauma. 

I actually think there might be some mental illness involved here. But be careful about figuring out the origins of her "problem" because that will get you fantasizing that she'll get help and "solve" this issue and all will be OK. Nope--she won't get help because she doesn't think there is a problem.

Blunt question: you really want to marry and have children with someone who is mean to the kids one day and then blames it on spirit possession? You OK with that? You want to be married to someone who pulls away emotionally from you and blames it on a spirit? Or who shirks on a marital promise and blames a spirit? The fundamental problem is she's not taking responsibility for her own life. And the deeper problem is: you don't really respect her view of the world. 

What has taken you so long to be alarmed by this issue? Sounds like you have a boundaries problem--a fear of facing uncomfortable  truths about a partner, a fear about disagreeing with a partner, a fear of rejecting the partner. Wake up, dude! This is a major problem. And yes, it's a problem worth breaking up about. Don't try to change her. Your stance will be something like, "I'm just not comfortable with your view of spirits directing your life and taking control of your moods and behavior." 

Let her find someone who IS comfortable with her view of spirit possession.  Pssss: you do know that all your friends and family will think you have mental illness for marrying this person. Trust me: you do not want to marry someone whose fundamental view of the world basically embarrasses you. You'll stop talking to friends about the marriage. You'll be in a weird defensive and insecure posture towards her. 

 

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Posted

I would note that most religious people have "paranormal" beliefs (of the specific variety dictated by their religion, or that they have come to conclusions about per their religion). So, essentially the VAST majority of people have what a true reductionist, "matter-only" viewpoint would hold as paranormal views.

Like paranormal beliefs, religion causes issues in many marriages. There are also plenty of marriages where partners get along just fine despite differences in their viewpoints, my own 20+ year relationship with my wife being among them.

I would also note that the "intensity" and specific nature of her beliefs are likely to shift at least somewhat (possibly quite drastically) over time. This could go either way, either more "toward" or retreating from the belief in spirits. It's unlikely IMO to change/go away completely.

There's nothing wrong with a psych examination, just keep in mind that many therapists are trained to "determine" a medical cause for beliefs like this rather than giving them the benefit of a doubt. There may also be the issue of whether the beliefs cause enough of an impact to be considered medically significant.

Overall, I think you simply need to figure out whether this is a deal-breaker for you for purposes of advancing the relationship to the next level (ie, possible marriage/family).

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Posted

I think you should "ghost" her!!

Seriously.... run, run away from this one.... run hard and run fast!!

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Posted

This is a departure from reason and you're unwittingly enabling it. You need to sit her down and explain that you're concerned for her, and she will either appreciate your concern and trust your judgement, or she will react with anger and attempt to turn it around so that you're the bad guy, (the more likely scenario). If she really believes that demons are driving some of her behaviour you need to get her the help she needs. 

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Posted
8 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

Is it wrong of me to be concerned about potentially having children subjected to this kindof behaviour/talk? Is this a major problem? Are my positive feelings for this person blinding me to the fact that this is a red flag? How should I handle this in the short term when she brings this stuff up?

No, yes, yes, and it's up to you. There is a wide range of beliefs between "maybe I believe in unusual energies in the universe" and "I'm being assaulted by ghosts". Given what you said about her abusive background, this could be part of how she's processing (or not processing) trauma -- she may be struggling to deal with real-world assaults and instead be compartmentalizing them into the realm of psychic forces. She needs substantial, sustained professional help to work through her past. It might change her spiritual beliefs, it might not. Only you can decide whether you want to stay with her while she gets help but she needs it.

I think this is a very dramatic incompatibility and if you ultimately decided to go your separate ways, you could simply say that you don't see a future together anymore. I would not bring up anything about her beliefs; like you said, that would probably just make things worse. Good luck and be kind.

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Posted

You could break up with her and if she presses for a reason say the devil made you do it.

 

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Posted

OK... I believe in "Ghosts", or at least another energy... but it doesn't rule my life.  Sounds like she is a little obsessed, and may be more than you want to deal with. 

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Posted

How's her mental health in general, OP

  • Author
Posted
12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you know if there is any history of mental health issues or substance abuse? Is she visiting ayahuasca shamans , for example? 

Is she from a different culture where these beliefs are in line with some sort of spirituality? Are her friends family like this? 

Her Mum has talked about this stuff before, but not to quite the same level. She was abused as a child and has a few mental health issues as a result from it - PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. Is seeing a therapist. I think it all might be linked, and it's been a lot for me to deal with to be honest 😐

Thanks.

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Posted
4 minutes ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

Her Mum has talked about this stuff before, but not to quite the same level. She was abused as a child and has a few mental health issues as a result from it - PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. Is seeing a therapist. I think it all might be linked, and it's been a lot for me to deal with to be honest 😐

Thanks.

Sorry to hear that. She may be a lovely lady in many ways. However this is not only an incompatibly, it may also represent too much instability for a lasting or happy future.

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Posted
11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Are you wrong to consider this a problem? On the contrary, you would be wildly, recklessly foolish to not pay attention her experiences of spirits and so on.

Heads up: how did you put off thinking about this issue for two years? Surely she talked this way at 9 months or even 6 months.

You dang right this is a problem. Because you want to be with someone whose view of the world feels solid to you and makes you feel safe. People can marry across religions as long as the partners respect each other's religion (or the particular way the person practices it). 

Does her reference to spirits feel safe and fine to you? Doesn't sound like it. I happen to have some close friends who do shaman work and who journey to the inner world and that. But they blame a present behavior on a spirit. They deliberately go into a ritual in which they tap into various spiritual energies they see and feel. One of my friends actually does work with someone who sees spirits in the same way your gf does. My friend thinks this person has tons of unprocessed trauma. 

I actually think there might be some mental illness involved here. But be careful about figuring out the origins of her "problem" because that will get you fantasizing that she'll get help and "solve" this issue and all will be OK. Nope--she won't get help because she doesn't think there is a problem.

Blunt question: you really want to marry and have children with someone who is mean to the kids one day and then blames it on spirit possession? You OK with that? You want to be married to someone who pulls away emotionally from you and blames it on a spirit? Or who shirks on a marital promise and blames a spirit? The fundamental problem is she's not taking responsibility for her own life. And the deeper problem is: you don't really respect her view of the world. 

What has taken you so long to be alarmed by this issue? Sounds like you have a boundaries problem--a fear of facing uncomfortable  truths about a partner, a fear about disagreeing with a partner, a fear of rejecting the partner. Wake up, dude! This is a major problem. And yes, it's a problem worth breaking up about. Don't try to change her. Your stance will be something like, "I'm just not comfortable with your view of spirits directing your life and taking control of your moods and behavior." 

Let her find someone who IS comfortable with her view of spirit possession.  Pssss: you do know that all your friends and family will think you have mental illness for marrying this person. Trust me: you do not want to marry someone whose fundamental view of the world basically embarrasses you. You'll stop talking to friends about the marriage. You'll be in a weird defensive and insecure posture towards her. 

 

"And the deeper problem is: you don't really respect her view of the world." Is the problem me not being supportive/open-minded then? You seem to be suggesting that the bigger problem here is me, which may be the case. I feel I have tried to respect it for two years, as I said, I have even gone to classes with her. But given some of the more extreme things she says (sexually assaulted by spirits in the night), something doesn't seem right. 

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How's her mental health in general, OP

Pretty bad the past few years to be honest. She was abused as a child, and is dealing with a PTSD, depression and various other issues, as well as more practical day-to-day issues. It's been tough for me too if I'm honest. I've done the best I can with lots of things, but this whole spirits thing I struggle with because I simply have never experienced anything like it. 

 

-----------------------------------------

Thanks all for the replies, very helpful. Too many to reply to individually. Those suggesting gently suggesting she see a doctor/psych: 1) she already sees both fairly regularly and 2) me suggesting she do this on the back of her talking about ghosts etc would not be well received (she'd likely accuse me of not believing/supporting her or invalidating her experiences etc)

Posted

OP,

I also believe in the supernatural but not in 'ghosts' as see-through entities. Some people I know have seen them.

If your GF claims to have been attacked by a ghost/demon/entity then she needs to see either a priest of a psychiatrist. She also needs to stop poking into this area as she can attract unwanted attention from the 'other side'.

Please think very carefully before you continue with this relationship as I can see it taking on a victim/saviour dynamic which could be very emotionally/psychologically/ spiritually draining for you.

Posted

Wiseman,

I see you are puzzled by my post - can I help?

Posted
7 minutes ago, LeoLady888 said:

I see you are puzzled by my post -

The GF is under the care of doctors and therapists for anxiety, depression and other mental health issues.

Posted

OK, yes, just saw that - can't edit it now.

My comment about a victim/saviour type relationship is still valid - I believe.

Posted (edited)

Believing in ghosts passively is one thing, I know a lot of people who say they believe in ghosts/spirits etc. and it ends there. They never claim to have seen any, it doesn't impact their lives, they're just open to the possibility. Your girlfriend's situation is different. 

I think we can take the debate of whether or not it's reasonable to believe in ghosts out of it. Though I personally have zero inclination towards this kind of thing, it's not impossible to form good relationships with people who do. You are clearly supportive of her beliefs and I don't think her believing in ghosts and spirits is the thing causing the problem for you two. I think the problem is the way she uses those beliefs to justify her behaviour towards you and seemingly to justify calling herself an assault victim. 

Assault is a traumatic experience, and making up an assault story is deeply offensive but also worrying behaviour. However, it's possible she really does believe she was assaulted/hallucinated it or was assaulted by a person and she uses the ghost stuff to help her process the trauma.

Edit: saw your second post, I'm terribly sorry for the things she's been through. I definitely wouldn't be surprised if the ghost thing is linked to the abuse she has suffered as a way to cope. Tread lightly, but do what you think is right. 

You mention her troubled childhood, so it wouldn't surprise me if all of this ghost stuff is a way for her to rationalise things she's been through. Regardless, the situation is extremely complex, concerning and if the help of a mental health professional is doing little to change her perspective or behaviour, I wouldn't expect anything to change. If you wouldn't be happy to bring children into the situation as it is now, you likely won't ever be. 

Additionally, she blamed being mean to you on spirit possession? Even if the content of the excuse wasn't so bizarre, the bottom line is "if I'm mean to you, it's not my fault, I'm blaming someone else". This isn't a healthy relationship strategy. If your partner is mean to you, which shouldn't be happening anyway, you at least deserve an apology and acknowledgement of harm caused. 

I know this must be really difficult for you as you clearly care for her very much, and it sounds like you've been really supportive. Only you can make the choice, but I don't feel obligated to stay out of care for her if the relationship isn't working for you. Long-term relationships, marriage or co-parenting are big commitments, so you need to be 100% about the person/people you choose. 

Edited by Atwood
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