boymommy Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 15 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Very true, and difficult to know. What I have witnessed and experienced in my own life is that when a man's general nature is to go slow, needing "space," it's the woman who allows him that space needing her own space and preferring a slower pace herself, who becomes the "right" woman. It doesn't appear that is the op. She needs more togetherness which is OK! They are incompatible in this regard, no right or wrong. Imo the best thing to do when encountering this is to part ways and find people more aligned with your own needs. Well that's true. Possibility OP should think about what pace she is comfortable with in a relationship. 1
Watercolors Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: A of people are using video chat or even text to replace the connection that was once only accomplished in person or over the phone. Even though you see him only a three times a week, is he also utilizing those forms of communication? At 10 months, I think it is a big red flag that he does not include her as his ‘family’. I think a man who saw a future with a woman would not put this statement out there like that just out of fear of putting her off alone. I have dated men who took it slow. Actually, took it slow with a lot of his previous partners. He had never been in a relationship before me. My dad also with my mom. However when men are finally do get there, they are willing to put in effort. If they aren’t, you are basically just a convenient extension in their life, not *the one*(not using this literally) But hey, if that works for you... Well, everyone has their own preference of how to pace a relationship. Maybe his preference is more rigid than the OP's preference for relationship pace. This is a pandemic and it effects everyone. You are not supposed to gather in large groups for holidays, graduations, weddings, birthdays. And, the people who defy that all get Covid anyway. If the OP wants to put her children's health at risk just so she can spend Christmas in-person with her boyfriend that's up to her. But I think she's foolish to suddenly demand that from him now. It comes across like an ultimatum. Either spend Christmas with her in person and blend their families, or its over. Not a good way to go. Ultimatums never work. I think the OP should wait, do video calls with her boyfriend and his children on Christmas like everyone is is doing, and then go back to their regular 3-day a week schedule. She can always bring up her wish to speed up the pace of their relationship with him the next time they are scheduled to see each other in person and then see what he wants to do.
Miss Spider Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Well, everyone has their own preference of how to pace a relationship. Maybe his preference is more rigid than the OP's preference for relationship pace. This is a pandemic and it effects everyone. You are not supposed to gather in large groups for holidays, graduations, weddings, birthdays. And, the people who defy that all get Covid anyway. If the OP wants to put her children's health at risk just so she can spend Christmas in-person with her boyfriend that's up to her. But I think she's foolish to suddenly demand that from him now. It comes across like an ultimatum. Either spend Christmas with her in person and blend their families, or its over. Not a good way to go. Ultimatums never work. I think the OP should wait, do video calls with her boyfriend and his children on Christmas like everyone is is doing, and then go back to their regular 3-day a week schedule. She can always bring up her wish to speed up the pace of their relationship with him the next time they are scheduled to see each other in person and then see what he wants to do. I agree that if she gives him an ultimatum right now it will not work. In order for ultimatums to work, one has to care enough. It doesn’t seem like he is there. If they both agreed to video chat, that is fine . However, I do not think it is a good sign at all that almost a year and he does not consider her close enough to spend the holidays in person, even with Covid. However, it falls in line with the rest of signs of his interest in this relationship. Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
boymommy Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Well, everyone has their own preference of how to pace a relationship. Maybe his preference is more rigid than the OP's preference for relationship pace. This is a pandemic and it effects everyone. You are not supposed to gather in large groups for holidays, graduations, weddings, birthdays. And, the people who defy that all get Covid anyway. If the OP wants to put her children's health at risk just so she can spend Christmas in-person with her boyfriend that's up to her. But I think she's foolish to suddenly demand that from him now. It comes across like an ultimatum. Either spend Christmas with her in person and blend their families, or its over. Not a good way to go. Ultimatums never work. I think the OP should wait, do video calls with her boyfriend and his children on Christmas like everyone is is doing, and then go back to their regular 3-day a week schedule. She can always bring up her wish to speed up the pace of their relationship with him the next time they are scheduled to see each other in person and then see what he wants to do. This is not really all that accurate because they have met each other's kids, so risk of exposure isn't the issue..being together for holidays is the issue. It's not unreasonable as a divorced parent to want to spend time with your boyfriend and his kids after almost a year together...covid or not. And no you arent going to get covid just from sitting around a Christmas tree together if you have already spent time together. C'mon now. Unless you are using covid as an excuse to avoid further advancing a relationship. Which is weird and dumb. Nobody on here suggested she give the man an ultimatum either or make unreasonable demands. Just examine what she WANTS in a relationship and see if they can reach a compromise. If not re-evaluate the relationship. Not everyone is doing video calls for Christmas. I am spending it with my boyfriend and his son and I am getting my two kids back on Christmas day (I have split custody on Christmas day with my ex husband as does my boyfriend with his ex wife). We aren't having the usual large family gathering, just us since we have already been around each other. Edited November 26, 2020 by boymommy 1 1
elaine567 Posted November 26, 2020 Posted November 26, 2020 On 11/24/2020 at 6:30 PM, Calmandfocused said: Something is going on here that you don’t know about ... yet. Either he’s got OCD and is meticulous about routine and order or there is something else ... Or more specifically; someone else! ^^^ this.OP, you need to find out what he is doing on the days he will not see you. You will not be the first woman to find out their man has another gf or wife or even another family elsewhere... Has he ever introduced you to his blood family? It is not the time spent that is necessarily the huge red flag, though it could be, it is the decidedly fixed nature of it. 1
CollinW Posted November 30, 2020 Posted November 30, 2020 On 11/26/2020 at 11:25 AM, boymommy said: I don't think she is running bulldozer over him but why are his needs less important then her's? The question isn't why are his needs less important but why does she think her needs more important than his kids needs, his income needs, and his mental needs.
boymommy Posted November 30, 2020 Posted November 30, 2020 2 hours ago, CollinW said: The question isn't why are his needs less important but why does she think her needs more important than his kids needs, his income needs, and his mental needs. Well again that really goes to compatibility. Some people don't think of it quite in that context..like wanting more time from their significant other is taking away from their families need's or that individual's needs. You could look at it on the flip side though too like he isn't making her a real high priority or a higher priority in his life and instead prioritizing his other needs in ahead of her. Maybe she has a different idea of her relationship priorities. Seems to me she is an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant. This is what predominantly makes up older dating pools because secure attachment styles are already in relationships. Avoidants and anxious people are the ones who usually find each other. That's what I meant when I said it comes down to compatibility. I don't think there really is a right or wrong here. Some people move slower in relationships, others move faster. At this point OP has to figure out whether to adjust to his pace or find someone whose pace she is more in line with her's.
CollinW Posted November 30, 2020 Posted November 30, 2020 4 hours ago, boymommy said: Some people don't think of it quite in that context..like wanting more time from their significant other is taking away from their families need's or that individual's needs. Yeah that's the problem. That's not a compatibility issue that's an entitlement issue.
boymommy Posted November 30, 2020 Posted November 30, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, CollinW said: Yeah that's the problem. That's not a compatibility issue that's an entitlement issue. I mean perhaps but on the flip side he is just as entitled but in the opposite sense. A more rigid sense of entitlement. He wants scheduled time on specific days and refuses any flexibility on this. I'm not saying he's anymore right then she is..they are both kind of rigid in wanting more/less from each other due to their attachment needs. They'd have to be willing to meet in the middle to make it work. He'd have to be willing to be more flexible and in a sense less "scheduled" in his visitation and she'd have to be more willing to "stand alone" at times in relationship. In other words accept that she in't going to go from 3 scheduled days a week to daily flexible visitation whenever she wants from him. It would be more like 1 additional day that they both compromise on. And she would have to set aside her own discomfort at not getting more out of the relationship then she is looking for. If she wants daily visits then she may have to look elsewhere. If he wants a girlfriend who is satisfied with his very rigid scheduled visits he may have to find someone who more independent in a relationship and better at "standing alone" already. Basically a more secure type person. You call it entitement but really it just comes down to their attachement styles playing out within the relationship. She wants more, he wants less. They both feel very strongly that they are entitled to their own needs. Secure people are way better at compromise, empathy, and understanding which is why their relationships are less turbulent and feel less "entitled." Edited November 30, 2020 by boymommy 2
Crazelnut Posted November 30, 2020 Posted November 30, 2020 On 11/26/2020 at 2:13 PM, boymommy said: And no you arent going to get covid just from sitting around a Christmas tree together if you have already spent time together. C'mon now. Um, yes you can, actually. You have no idea who his kids have been exposed to in the week leading up to Christmas. Any one of their friends or family could be positive but symptom free. They could have been Covid-free a few weeks ago, but walking Petri dishes Christmas week. That's how pandemics work. Just because I didn't catch it from you last week, that's no guarantee that you won't catch it this week and pass it to me next week. 1
boymommy Posted November 30, 2020 Posted November 30, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Um, yes you can, actually. You have no idea who his kids have been exposed to in the week leading up to Christmas. Any one of their friends or family could be positive but symptom free. They could have been Covid-free a few weeks ago, but walking Petri dishes Christmas week. That's how pandemics work. Just because I didn't catch it from you last week, that's no guarantee that you won't catch it this week and pass it to me next week. Not a debate about covid. Sheesh! My point was simply that if they have been in a relationship for that long a person would assume they are keeping their kids safe and the risk of exposure is lower. That's all. Unless you are super paranoid of course and think anyone is a threat. Even someone you are dating and their kids. Which in my book can put strain on a relationship which is why OP is here to begin with. If you don't trust the person who are dating to keep their own children safe then you shouldn't be dating them. Period! And NO this is not how pandemics work. This is how people with trust issues (like OP's boyfriend) think. Pretty clear distinction in my book. Not everyone is a "threat" or a walking covid epidemic. That is just utterly rediculous. Edited November 30, 2020 by boymommy
CollinW Posted December 1, 2020 Posted December 1, 2020 8 hours ago, boymommy said: I mean perhaps but on the flip side he is just as entitled but in the opposite sense. A more rigid sense of entitlement. He wants scheduled time on specific days and refuses any flexibility on this Do you understand what entitlement means? Him deciding to do what his own time isn't entitlement. Someone else coming into your life trying to dictate what you do with your time is entitlement. You know the difference but you're bent on trying to whataboutism your way into putting this on him. If a man came on here and said my gf of 10 months only has sex with me 3 times a week, you wouldn't say she's entitled because she only wants to have sex because of lack of flexibility. So please don't play dumb just because it's a man in this equation. When you're starting a relationship with an someone you need to assess how you're intrusion affects what's going on in their lives. I wouldn't start something with a person studying for their CPA only to complain they don't spend enough time not studying to entertain me. The feeling of wanting to spend more time is understandable but in no way is he not reasonable for not spending more than half his week on a new girl opposed to his own kids.
boymommy Posted December 1, 2020 Posted December 1, 2020 48 minutes ago, CollinW said: Do you understand what entitlement means? Him deciding to do what his own time isn't entitlement. Someone else coming into your life trying to dictate what you do with your time is entitlement. You know the difference but you're bent on trying to whataboutism your way into putting this on him. If a man came on here and said my gf of 10 months only has sex with me 3 times a week, you wouldn't say she's entitled because she only wants to have sex because of lack of flexibility. So please don't play dumb just because it's a man in this equation. When you're starting a relationship with an someone you need to assess how you're intrusion affects what's going on in their lives. I wouldn't start something with a person studying for their CPA only to complain they don't spend enough time not studying to entertain me. The feeling of wanting to spend more time is understandable but in no way is he not reasonable for not spending more than half his week on a new girl opposed to his own kids. I really don't appreciate the way you are talking to me. I was just trying to give OP poster advice and support. I feel that if you don't like my advice or if you took it the wrong way then that is NOT something I can control. Agree to disagree. Seriously..move on!
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