Am I wrong to want to see him more

[Charley86]

I’ve been dating a guy for 10 months. We get on really well. I have met his children and he has met mine. We see each other 3 days a week and he keeps to these days religiously even though we’re both self employed and he hasn’t worked the whole of the year due to COVID. He will still leave on a Thursday morning at 9am and won’t even arrange Xmas shopping for a day that isn’t a day we normally see each other. 
With Christmas coming, I would like to merge our families more but he seems to be quite clear and that he considers his birth family I.e mum, brothers, his children to be his family 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Charley86 said:

I’ve been dating a guy for 10 months. . We see each other 3 days a week and he keeps to these days religiously .he seems to be quite clear and that he considers his birth family I.e mum, brothers, his children to be his family 

He's right. Why are you trying to fast forward this much?

40 weeks dating is not a "blended family". You need to slow way down.

You as well as he, need to put your kids and your family first for now.

3 x a week is fine for 2 busy single working parents.

Stop and reflect how much you are over your divorce and how much of this fast forwarding is related to you wanting an instafamily.

[Chilli]

Yeah , 10 mths , why the pushing, it's not even a yr let 18mths - 2ish , and your hardly even into each others lives, very much yet if that how things are . lf he's legit, he's using his brains and protecting his family and yours , and his life right now too. lt's only 10mths he's not ready to risk all that and throw himself and everyone else into this yet it's too soon. Your a mother , you should be just as concerned about all that and your family too this early in. Makes me mad as hell the way some people rush that stuff and don't even consider how their kids are gonna feel if it all goes to shyt 6mths later and doesn't work out.  Take it easy there's plenty of time.

Just one thing though too, it's not very nice to ask and l'm not saying it's so , but are you sure he's as into this as you are , or that there's no one else in his life  !

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Chilli

[Versacehottie]

Guessing that as much as he gives you of himself, that he is not willing to make his family do the same or subject them to that.  It's not that anything is wrong with you or that the relationship isn't progressing--only that he isn't willing to force that on them as a new tradition or thing that would upset their regular tradition.  

It totally makes sense to me.  You spent a good part of your post describing all the ways he is considerate.  It makes absolute sense that this is a character trait of his own that he doesn't just limit to you, but extends to all those that are in his life--his children, his immediate family. As it should be, his first responsibility is to make sure that life for his kids is joyful and balanced.  

If he is all the good things, you said he is, I would respect his position on this & try to understand it from his point of view.  You two can celebrate Christmas a dedicated day that isn't the day he celebrates his Christmas with his family.  If you feel like including your children & family, and he's open to that, you can do this prequel to real Christmas day or in your celebration after the day.  Most families are about compromise; including blended ones. Good luck

[Miss Spider]

I can think of very few people that would be OK with seeing someone that they were dating for 10 months only three set days out of the week. You’re not being unreasonable. 

[ShyViolet]

"Merging your families" is a bit much for only 10 months of dating.  It's no wonder that he seems to be uncomfortable with it and he has let you know in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to do that right now.  You have no choice but to just drop it.  I think seeing someone 3 days a week who you've been dating for 10 months is perfectly reasonable.

[smackie9]

He's not ready, and so he put up a boundary, this is in no way a red flag...his request is totally fair. Respect his wishes, and focus on your family this holiday season...make it extra special with them.

[FMW]

I adore the guy I'm seeing and we've been together over a year if you count the beginning just hanging out stage.  But I'm not ready to merge families (and neither of us even have kids to have to deal with).  Seeing each other 3 times a week is just about right for me.  It allows me time to actually miss him and look forward to being together.  We're both busy with work and other responsibilities during the rest of the time.  

I would give it a little more time and see how things progress, don't push him about the coming holidays.  

If things don't advance the way you need them to in the new year, you'll have to decide if it's a compatibility issue that you can compromise on or if you need to look elsewhere.  

FWIW, I don't think you're wrong to want to see him more.  Unfortunately it just seems he has different needs right now when it comes to how enmeshed you are with each other.  

[Miss Spider]

Interesting to see that there are so many that would be OK with three days a week at almost a year of dating. That would be more than enough for me, but I have not encountered too many people that feel the same way outside of this forum. I mean the men that I’ve dated preferred sex/cuddles more than 3 times a week  alone. They’d deal, I’m sure, but it wouldnt be their preference 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

Oh I agree. 3 times a week is not quite enough but if you each have a family with kids (plural) and as she said, he treats her amazingly (if that is completely true), I think it's just the cards they've been dealt at this point in their lives.  It's maybe not ideal if you are prioritizing your romantic relationship but if you have kids probably just the way it is. 

[Calmandfocused]

I think the boundary he currently has in place in regards to merging families is perfectly healthy and acceptable after only 10 months of dating. 
 

What I do find peculiar is his rigidity in terms of when he sees you. I’m sensing that due to his work situation (ie not working) he has opportunity to see you more but he chooses not to. Rushing out the door at 9am on a Thursday morning (when he has no job to go to/ kids to sort out) is a bit odd IMO. 
 

Something is going on here that you don’t know about ... yet. Either he’s got OCD and is meticulous about routine and order or there is something else ... 

Or more specifically; someone else! Maybe you are his “work” and he’s on a strict start and finish time. 
 

Just a thought for you to consider OP

[curlygirl40]

I'd be curious also if he is this rigid/scheduled in everything else he does.     Maybe this is just his character.     It is a bit odd to me that say you see each other Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, if he has absolutely no plans on a Wednesday and you say 'Let's catch dinner or go shopping', it's a definite no all of the time?    Very rigid to me and not flexible to go with the flow.   

3 days a week would not be enough for me most of the time, but I don't have kids to look after so I can't speak to that.   With kids involved, this seems maybe about right.    

It's your first Christmas together so let the blending of families thing go for now, it's too soon to involve kids and play house when you don't know how things will go in the future.   You need to both protect the kids and their little hearts as long as you can.  If you're together forever (if that's the way it works out) then you'll have the rest of your lives to spend holidays together.  If you're not together a year from now, you'll be grateful that you didn't involve the kids in a combined family way.  I believe anyway

[stillafool]

When I was single 3 times a week would be plenty enough for me.  I have to have time to see other friends, be alone and do personal things.  As long as when we get together it's fresh and exciting, I'd be fine.  I need time to miss a person.

[trident_2020]

It's not a matter of being right or wrong it's about preferences, personal tastes and even attachment styles.

He likes his space and he's got boundaries. If you push him he just might bolt and then you go from 3 days to 0 days.

 

 

 

[CollinW]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

When I was single 3 times a week would be plenty enough for me.  I have to have time to see other friends, be alone and do personal things.  As long as when we get together it's fresh and exciting, I'd be fine.  I need time to miss a person.

Yeah, it's weird seeing people say 3 times a week isn't enough. I was seeing my wife on weekends and maybe one or two days out of the week for years before marriage.

You have a man with structure, kids, and lack of income due to Covid and a woman is trying to run a bulldozer through it after 10 months. This is why a lot of men avoid dating. 

[boymommy]

It sounds like you want a more serious relationship at this point then he does. Not bad, it's just that at times people are on different timelines and your pace may be different then his at this point in time. I would ask if he sees you merging families for holidays at a point in the future? Just so you can get on the same page about what you want in the future. Because maybe he is perfectly happy with keeping things seperate and wanting a girlfriend to hangout with a few times a week and nothing more? That's important info to know. 

[SumGuy]

Merging families is a big step, especially depending on the ages of the kids.  Now talking about doing it some day and making steps to get there, very reasonable after 10 months in my book.  How well do your kids get along with his.

On the 3 fixed days a week.  Not sure of the child arrangements if this is based on custody or just providing structure for the kids.   A couple reasons can think of besides OCD   Structured and order is good but taken too far it's actually disruptive of living life.

I guess for him "family" is biological and maybe legal definition only (I'm hoping you and your kids would be "family" if you got married).  I find that kind of cold, there are those who I consider family, and them me, who are not related by blood or law.

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, CollinW said:

Yeah, it's weird seeing people say 3 times a week isn't enough. I was seeing my wife on weekends and maybe one or two days out of the week for years before marriage.

You have a man with structure, kids, and lack of income due to Covid and a woman is trying to run a bulldozer through it after 10 months. This is why a lot of men avoid dating. 

So much this^.  Especially bolded and underscored and I'm a woman! 

My fiance and I had no set pattern but after 10 months, it was weekends.  Sometimes, once during the week depending. 

We kept in touch over email.  He sent me poems and music.  Still does!  

Some weeks we didn't see each other at all!  Even when not traveling.   

Allow him the freedom to move towards you at his own pace, what's comfortable.  Do not push.  

If it's too slow for you, wish him well and walk.  

Have you watched Esther Perel videos?  She's on you tube.  Might help you gain perspective about this.

 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

19 hours ago, CollinW said:

Yeah, it's weird seeing people say 3 times a week isn't enough. I was seeing my wife on weekends and maybe one or two days out of the week for years before marriage.

You have a man with structure, kids, and lack of income due to Covid and a woman is trying to run a bulldozer through it after 10 months. This is why a lot of men avoid dating. 

While I agree with this in theory..in reality it goes back to compatibility. Your wife accepted this arrangment, therefore you were on the same page. Not everyone has the same needs in a relationship. I don't think she is running bulldozer over him but why are his needs less important then her's? Perhaps she has a greater need for contact then he does at this point? If they can't get on the same page about their wants and needs then it's a compatiblity issue plain and simple. Nobody is right or wrong in that aspect. You just find someone you can get on the same page with about what you can accept in a relationship without feeling you are sacrificing yourself. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by boymommy

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, boymommy said:

While I agree with this in theory..in reality it goes back to compatibility. Your wife accepted this arrangment, therefore you were on the same page. Not everyone has the same needs in a relationship. I don't think she is running bulldozer over him but why are his needs less important then her's? Perhaps she has a greater need for contact then he does at this point? If they can't get on the same page about their wants and needs then it's a compatiblity issue plain and simple. Nobody is right or wrong in that aspect. You just find someone you can get on the same page with about what you can accept in a relationship without feeling you are sacrificing yourself. 

Agree! It is not unreasonable for her to want more time. Like I said, I have always been the one that had to compromise in the other direction and provide more time, so a lot of people want it. I think if he cared he would consider her needs a bit more. I understand he has a family and stuff, so it is a bit more complicated.

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

Have to agree with boymommy, it is a matter of compatibility.  For me 3 days a week, given the myriad responsibilities both appear to have, is pretty good.  But I personally would like stretches of time, like weekends, not just overnights. 

Once a week, when it is possible to do more (no travel etc.)?  For me that is whatever, a good enough for now relationship, maintenance meeting, maybe fine for FWB if I did such things.  Certainly no where near acceptable for a LTR or exclusivity in my book.  So I would be clearly incompatible with such a person.  Of course I do like doing the mundane, like grocery shopping, gardening, cooking with my girlfriend, let alone physical intimacy.

While messaging, calls, facetime are good to keep a bond going, they are no substitute for in-person togetherness in my book....they help fill the gaps between times we meet or the best alternative when getting together is not possible.  But to actively choose to see each other once a week or less, for me that is just not a LTR.  

[boymommy]

29 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Agree! It is not unreasonable for her to want more time. Like I said, I have always been the one that had to compromise in the other direction and provide more time, so a lot of people want it. I think if he cared he would consider her needs a bit more. I understand he has a family and stuff, so it is a bit more complicated.

What I find interesting is that they BOTH have families..it's just that he seems to want to move at a slower pace and is less gung ho about moving the relationship into a more serious state at this point. I get it because I am divorced and this is actually fairly common to find super cautious divorced men. I have dated two types of divorced men: the kind who want to get married and merge families and are super serious straight out of the gate, and the kind who are more gunshy, super cautious really want to take their time and maintain separate indentities. I have yet to conclude if the second category of men changes their minds if they meet the right woman in the right circumstance. That is what I would encourage OP to find out. If given time will her boyfriend want more from her. Or is it their relationship that he really just feels is lacking so he is keeping her at bay. I have for sure seen divorced men do this as a way to avoid committing if they don't feel they are with the right partner.  After all, they made a mistake before! It could happen again. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, boymommy said:

 I get it because I am divorced and this is actually fairly common to find super cautious divorced men. I have dated two types of divorced men: the kind who want to get married and merge families and are super serious straight out of the gate, and the kind who are more gunshy, super cautious really want to take their time and maintain separate indentities. I have yet to conclude if the second category of men changes their minds if they meet the right woman in the right circumstance. 

Very true, and difficult to know. 

Re bolded- what I have witnessed and experienced in my own life is that when a man's general nature is to go slow, needing "space," it's the woman who allows him that space, allows him to move closer to her at his own pace, the woman needing her own space and preferring a slower pace herself, who becomes the "right" woman.  

It doesn't appear that is the op.  She needs more togetherness which is OK!  They are incompatible in this regard, no right or wrong.  

Imo the best thing to do when encountering this is to part ways and find people more aligned with your own needs.  

Edited November 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

On 11/23/2020 at 4:44 AM, Charley86 said:

With Christmas coming, I would like to merge our families more but he seems to be quite clear and that he considers his birth family I.e mum, brothers, his children to be his family 

10 months at 3 days a week is not a lot of time. He has boundaries with you for a reason. He prefers to take it slow with you and your children. Why don't you respect that!? If you push him, he will definitely reject you.

Plus, it's COVID. You're aware of that aren't you?!

No one is supposed to gather in large groups for holidays. Even Christmas. So, you should make an alternative plan for Christmas with your boyfriend and his children. You could do what millions of families will be doing - use video calling (pick your platform). You and you children could video call your boyfriend and his children and hang out with each other that way, per government guidelines around this pandemic we're currently in.

[Miss Spider]

15 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

10 months at 3 days a week is not a lot of time. He has boundaries with you for a reason. He prefers to take it slow with you and your children. Why don't you respect that!? If you push him, he will definitely reject you.

Plus, it's COVID. You're aware of that aren't you?!

No one is supposed to gather in large groups for holidays. Even Christmas. So, you should make an alternative plan for Christmas with your boyfriend and his children. You could do what millions of families will be doing - use video calling (pick your platform). You and you children could video call your boyfriend and his children and hang out with each other that way, per government guidelines around this pandemic we're currently in.

A of people are using video chat or even text to replace the connection that was once only accomplished in person or over the phone. Even though you see him only a three times a week, is he also utilizing those forms of communication?  

At 10 months, I think it is a big red flag that he does not include her as his ‘family’.  I think a man who saw a future with a woman would not put this statement out there like that just out of fear of putting her off alone.

I have dated men who took it slow. My dad also with my mom. However when men are finally do get there, they are willing to put in effort. If they aren’t, you are basically just a convenient extension in their life, not *the one*(not using this literally)  But hey, if that works for you... 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes