Friend is furious at me, should I just call it quits?

November 22, 2020

This is a friend that I have had for over 15 years.

Things between us have been getting a little weird lately. For one, I’ve consoled her and listened to problems in her life (relationship/healthy/family. Etc), but when I have issues, she barely responds. She’ll say sorry to hear, but it’s just as likely she didn’t read it. That has gotten a bit worse now that she has a man in her life. It doesn’t bother me a great deal because she has a lot more problems than I do. She is very depressed and I understand that she is often too consumed with her own problems. She is a very unhappy person.

So today I basically called the guy she’s seeing a piece of ****. It is what I believe to be true, but I was way out of line for saying it. I instantly regret all of the stuff that I said about the guy. I called her out on some of her actions as well. She said “screw it, you won’t listen anyway, you have tunnel vision” She told me she has a lot to say to me but she won’t say it because I won’t like it. She used a little angry face emoji a lot of times. She’s p*ssed at me. I know what I did was wrong. But the way I see it is this friendship is not even beneficial to me anymore, anyway. So why try to fix it. Maybe I should just leave it alone for a while?

Edited November 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 23, 2020

We can't exactly tell which of you (in the friendship) is the one here writing.

It is only wise that we reserve judgment until we can collectively figure that out.

BUT... sometimes you just need to put-down a friendship and walk away.

November 23, 2020

Huh ? Sorry I am not sure where the confusion lies. I thought I was making it pretty clear who was writing by the use of the pronouns” I”and “me ”.

November 23, 2020

I told her that I’m relatively certain the guy she’s seeing taking advantage of her and I didn’t approve of it one bit. I know it is not my place, but she dates people who are clearly not good for her then she acts all devastated and surprised when things eventually collapse. She also has been doing some shady things to him too. She’s very angry with me now, and I understand why. I guess I am just running out of reasons to care.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 23, 2020

I have so been here. Girlfriend starts dating a guy who is ten years younger, has nothing of his own, has been known to show huge disrespect to women, flirts with her daughter to the point of making my friend really angry, and who starts hinting to move into her place about 2 months into their thing. I, under the influence of a couple of vinos one evening, told her he's looking for a free ride and is a bit of a plonker...cue the end of our friendship. I figured pfft, if she's such a twit that she truly thinks he's in love with her and not the fact that she's quite well off and incredibly gullible, she deserves what she gets. Sometimes friends need to be told. If your girlfriend was angry at you about something she should have grown a spine and told you, not waited until she needed an excuse to cut you loose so she doesn't have to feel guilty about being a crap friend.

Edited November 23, 2020 by MsJayne

November 23, 2020

Sometimes friendships do have an expiration date, even after many years.

Give it some time and space and see if things cool off. But after that if neither of you feel the need to attempt a reconciliation, it may be best to just let it go.

November 23, 2020

I've let two friendships go recently ( and many over the years ) It never feels great at the time but @FMW is right...most relationships don't last forever.

Hope you feel better soon.

November 23, 2020

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I know what I did was wrong. But the way I see it is this friendship is not even beneficial to me anymore, anyway. So why try to fix it. Maybe I should just leave it alone for a while?

Here's what I'd do. If I know I did something wrong, I apologize no matter how hard it is to do. And I've had to do it (to live with myself and who I want to be) when it was very hard. What it taught me was to be more careful next time so I won't have to end up apologizing.

That said, I'd walk away from a friendship with someone I no longer cared about. I wouldn't base leaving a friendship on whether it's beneficial to me or not.

Why try to fix it? For me, it would be because I care for the person.

But, also, after apologizing, if I cared for the person, I still might just leave the friendship alone for awhile before reaching out to spend time together.

I do want to add, though, that I'd be grateful for a close friend giving me their opinion of my bf, even if it was a bad opinion. Actually, especially if it was a bad opinion. To me, that's looking out for a friend's best interest. I'd hate for a friend to have a bad opinion of my bf and not tell me about it. So I think your friend should be grateful for what you told her about the bf. However, if you insulted her and said some other things, that's another story and possibly an apology, then time apart, is in order.

November 23, 2020

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Here's what I'd do. If I know I did something wrong, I apologize no matter how hard it is to do. And I've had to do it (to live with myself and who I want to be) when it was very hard. What it taught me was to be more careful next time so I won't have to end up apologizing.

That said, I'd walk away from a friendship with someone I no longer cared about. I wouldn't base leaving a friendship on whether it's beneficial to me or not.

Why try to fix it? For me, it would be because I care for the person.

But, also, after apologizing, if I cared for the person, I still might just leave the friendship alone for awhile before reaching out to spend time together.

I do want to add, though, that I'd be grateful for a close friend giving me their opinion of my bf, even if it was a bad opinion. Actually, especially if it was a bad opinion. To me, that's looking out for a friend's best interest. I'd hate for a friend to have a bad opinion of my bf and not tell me about it. So I think your friend should be grateful for what you told her about the bf. However, if you insulted her and said some other things, that's another story and possibly an apology, then time apart, is in order.

Editing this to add: It seems this person may get on your nerves. Can you have an arm's length friendship with her? Or do you even want to?

November 23, 2020

A big pet peeve of mine is when people say that a relationship or a friendship needs to be preserved or "saved" just because it's been going on for a long time. When a friendship is not benefitting the people in it, then it's not worth saving. It sounds like when you said those things about her boyfriend, in the back of your mind you had kinda decided to kill this friendship. Why else would you say those things to her? What did you possibly think would happen? And honestly, it sounds like this friendship is not worth saving. What would be the point? Just let it end.

November 23, 2020

My approach has been to reserve voicing judgement about their romantic relationship unless it is harming them in some way and it is clearly affecting their emotional wellbeing. But if you feel the friendship is one-sided then I would definitely reconsider putting forth further effort to maintain it. Good luck!

November 23, 2020

24 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Here's what I'd do. If I know I did something wrong, I apologize no matter how hard it is to do. And I've had to do it (to live with myself and who I want to be) when it was very hard. What it taught me was to be more careful next time so I won't have to end up apologizing.

That said, I'd walk away from a friendship with someone I no longer cared about. I wouldn't base leaving a friendship on whether it's beneficial to me or not.

Why try to fix it? For me, it would be because I care for the person.

But, also, after apologizing, if I cared for the person, I still might just leave the friendship alone for awhile before reaching out to spend time together.

I do want to add, though, that I'd be grateful for a close friend giving me their opinion of my bf, even if it was a bad opinion. Actually, especially if it was a bad opinion. To me, that's looking out for a friend's best interest. I'd hate for a friend to have a bad opinion of my bf and not tell me about it. So I think your friend should be grateful for what you told her about the bf. However, if you insulted her and said some other things, that's another story and possibly an apology, then time apart, is in order.

I do care about her and always will, but I just can’t keep up a friendship where not only do I feel I’m getting very little in return due to her long term depression, but can’t even speak my opinion. It’s very hard for me to sit there and watch while she harms herself by letting men treat her horribly. Just tired of it.

Thanks, you guys , for the advice and support.

November 23, 2020

You already know to step back, because you're way too involved in her problems to the point of burnout.

November 23, 2020

coming from the captain of the friendzone with women, it is always a bad idea to tell them their new boyfriend is "bad" even when he is.

this is obviously underhanded and manipulative...the better response is to tell your friend that this guy is amazing, and probably the best thing that she's ever had, and she should marry him.

they often reevaluate their relationship VERY quickly if you say something so positive.

November 23, 2020

18 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I do care about her and always will, but I just can’t keep up a friendship where not only do I feel I’m getting very little in return due to her long term depression, but can’t even speak my opinion. It’s very hard for me to sit there and watch while she harms herself by letting men treat her horribly. Just tired of it.

Thanks, you guys , for the advice and support.

To be fair, there's expressing an opinion and Expressing An Opinion. One way to do it is to say "I'm really worried for you....I have concerns because he's treating you badly. You coudl do so much better" The other approach is to attack him, guns blazing. Which is what you did. For someone who was already feeling fragile, that would have been awful to be on the receiving end of.

I think you were right in being honest. But I think you were wrong in your approach. If you decide to apologise. apologise for your approach - but don't apologise for the message. Something like "I'm so sorry I was so brutal the other day. I was completely out of line. I'm worried about you and I think this relationship isn't good for you, but I got carried away and I didn't think before I spoke"

November 23, 2020

What men do when they are friends: Have some beers

What men do when they are no longer friends: Stop having beers

November 24, 2020

It looks like a case of misdirected anger. The girlfriend is unhappy because her boyfriend is a piece of ***. Instead of getting angry with her bf, she gets angry with people around her. The misdirection of anger usually happen to people trapped in a bad situation.

22 hours ago, FMW said:

Sometimes friendships do have an expiration date, even after many years.

Give it some time and space and see if things cool off. But after that if neither of you feel the need to attempt a reconciliation, it may be best to just let it go.

I agree 100%.

November 24, 2020

On 11/22/2020 at 4:07 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Huh ? Sorry I am not sure where the confusion lies. I thought I was making it pretty clear who was writing by the use of the pronouns” I”and “me ”.

The confusion lies in which one of you really is the (poor) friend. We can't tell.

November 24, 2020

Hmm. “We” meaning you and....? Because no one else here seems confused

November 24, 2020

One sided friendships aren’t real friendships. We have no way to gauge if you or your friend is the one doing all the taking/not offering in this friendship.

I agree with lovelycat’s opinion that it could be misdirected anger at you since that is more comfortable to be angry at you, than angry at herself over her poor choice of men.

But none of us can tell you if this friendship is something you should save or toss. That’s up to you to decide.

November 24, 2020

26 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

One sided friendships aren’t real friendships. We have no way to gauge if you or your friend is the one doing all the taking/not offering in this friendship.

I agree with lovelycat’s opinion that it could be misdirected anger at you since that is more comfortable to be angry at you, than angry at herself over her poor choice of men.

But none of us can tell you if this friendship is something you should save or toss. That’s up to you to decide.

Thanks.
It’s not really who is getting more out of it or a tit-for-tat thing to me. I feel like I am not getting much out of it, and that is enough for me. But that’s not really the issue I was having with this friend. I understand that lately she has not been able to give as much because she has been unwell. She is also busy with that guy. It hasn’t always been this way. But when she vents paragraphs and paragraphs to me I go through and address each one of them and I give my honest opinion. Often, it isn’t pretty. Also she called me crying about something awful he did(again). She asked me to text him, so I did. Stuff like that. She wants me to be part of it until I tell her what I really think about him. What all her friends think about him btw.

I apologized though. She said “apology accepted but just drop it. ”

And I have. I have nothing more to say to her. All done here.

Edited November 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 24, 2020

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

But when she vents paragraphs and paragraphs to me I go through and address each one of them and I give my honest opinion. Often, it isn’t pretty. Also she called me crying about something awful he did(again). She asked me to text him, so I did. Stuff like that.

It sounds like you've already given her far too much already - perhaps have a think about boundaries for next time you have a friend with a bad relationship.

For instance, she shouldn't ask you to text him....and you should never say "yes" to that request. Rather, respond that you are not going to get involved. And if you find yourself getting so annoyed by it that you're going to say things which are too blunt, then it's Ok to gently say that she needs more support than you can give and she needs to seek professional help.

One of my friends works in domestic abuse, and when I was tired from supporting someone in a toxic relationship, she explained that when we are a constant shoulder for our friends, we are actually enabling them. When they talk to us, the support we give them actually stops them from hitting the point where they realise they really have to leave. Sometimes, walking away is the best thing we can do for both them and us.

Yes, it's quite possible that when you have to step away, the friend will blame you for "not being there for them". But in reality, it's about tough love for them and survival for you.

November 24, 2020

Quote

One of my friends works in domestic abuse, and when I was tired from supporting someone in a toxic relationship, she explained that when we are a constant shoulder for our friends, we are actually enabling them. When they talk to us, the support we give them actually stops them from hitting the point where they realise they really have to leave. Sometimes, walking away is the best thing we can do for both them and us.

This is smart advice.

November 24, 2020

8 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Thanks.
It’s not really who is getting more out of it or a tit-for-tat thing to me. I feel like I am not getting much out of it, and that is enough for me. But that’s not really the issue I was having with this friend. I understand that lately she has not been able to give as much because she has been unwell. She is also busy with that guy. It hasn’t always been this way. But when she vents paragraphs and paragraphs to me I go through and address each one of them and I give my honest opinion. Often, it isn’t pretty. Also she called me crying about something awful he did(again). She asked me to text him, so I did. Stuff like that. She wants me to be part of it until I tell her what I really think about him. What all her friends think about him btw.

I apologized though. She said “apology accepted but just drop it. ”

And I have. I have nothing more to say to her. All done here.

Well, as other posters have suggested you need to have stronger boundaries with this friend because you currently don’t have any boundaries with her. The only way you can change the power imbalance here, is by ignoring her whining/pleas for feedback on her romantic relationships. From this forward, you need to verbally set up the boundary that you are no longer interested in being her sounding board. AND, you have to stick to that boundary no matter how she (over) reacts at first. Because she will overreact. She’s used to using you as her sounding board and misplacing her anger at you instead of at the actual target - the bad boyfriend. The next time she emails you about her boyfriends, you email her back, “Sorry, but I am no longer able to help you in this area of your life. Good luck with it.” And leave it at that. Keep repeating that until she leaves you alone. It will be for your own mental health’s sake. Or, you will continue to allow her to invade your boundaries by responding to her every email/text message about her boyfriends. Just stop responding, period.

December 6, 2020

Thank you. I have not spoken to this particular friend since that last conversation and I’m ok with that for now. Sje doesn’t want to hear the truth, and unfortunately, that’s the only language I speak

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Friend is furious at me, should I just call it quits?

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