OLD, have you ever felt a connection and they didn't?

[notyouraveragebabe]

Thank you everyone for your feedbacks. I enjoyed reading them. They were great advice. 
 

I know it’s time to move on from it. 2 dates in, maybe the connection was there, but it wasn’t something he wanted to pursue, bottom line “he wasn’t that into me”. 
 

I was definitely hurt, but I can’t take it so personally. All the reasons you listed can be the reasons why he wasn’t that interested. However, I can’t go crazy and analyze why. He said it himself “I don’t feel a strong connection”  he was maybe interested but not strong enough to pursue anything with me. I laid it out I was looking for something serious and not casual. I wasn’t demanding a relationship from him, but he knew I wanted something more. I’m glad I said that because, he could have strung me along and slept with me while in town -who knows! I think with his new home, his ex & probably wanted to still be single some more may have hindered anything from developing. Still, bottom line he wasn’t that into me to keep me around. 
 

I do agree I shouldn’t put all my cards on the table so soon (sleeping with him, and expressing wanting sometime serious). It’s too much too soon. I’m no longer a challenge and may have appeared desperate in his eyes. So he didn’t pursue me. Men liked to be challenged and I gave all my cards, he became bored. This happened to me before. I was no longer interested in someone who was so desperate and wanting a relationship so quickly without knowing me. Made me question why he was like that, so I lost interest and told him To end things.  Next time, I will definitely take my time and protect my heart. I’ll only give it away to a man who deserves it, I’m the prize. It took me sometime to get to this mindset, but I can’t dwell forever. 
 

Rejection is redirection to the right place. Someone else will be for me. No matter the distance, ex gf situation, or me wanting too much too soon wouldn’t be a factor to a man who truly wants me. He will align with my life naturally, it wouldn’t feel forced. 
 

Sometimes people get over ex’a by meeting someone new, maybe the rebound will teach him/her what was wrong was the other relationship. Maybe rebounds will teach you what love is, or what a healthy relationship would look like. I don’t agree with rebounds always being a bad thing. Sometimes it can be, but there are times where one can be redirected to the right person. Someone mentioned, he may be comparing me to his ex. Yes, he may. I been guilty of it, sometimes I meet someone better and the comparison is actually for the better. In this case, I wasn’t the right person for him. And that’s ok, I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want me. 
 

I will be positive today and smile, because no man wants a negative person who cannot smile or love herself. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by notyouraveragebabe

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds good @notyouraveragebabe.

Just a clarification. The reason for not putting all your cards on the table so soon isn't really (in my view) to play the game of hard to get. The reason you want to not put your cards all on the table (about wanting a serious relationship with this particular person based on a couple of meetings) is that you want to hold yourself back until you know this guy more. You want to allow yourself more time to feel seriously interested in him. 

You want to allow time for this person to earn your trust and that can only be done over time--given that people often perform for us on the first date or so (often much longer). At the start, all we really can know is if we want to see them on a subsequent date. I say this as someone who got into tons of trouble by falling hard for people way too soon. Falling hard made it impossible for me to truly evaluate whether this person was good for me. Worse, falling hard at the start, I ended up always justifying problems, overlooking problems, that were in my face. 

Happy to hear you realized you did nothing wrong. You didn't scare him away and so on. Seriously, it is one of the hardest things in the world to hold back a bit when we're feeling fantastic about someone. We have to remind ourselves that the intoxicating feeling of instant connection is really just a brain drug. That feeling is not evidence this person is good for us.  Intoxicating early feelings don't know anything about how this person treats their friends, whether they have friends, how they treat their mother, how they perform at work, whether they have huge debts, whether they will be supportive to us in a crisis, whether they're a night owl or morning person or whether this person has a drinking or drug problem or a toxic mother who'll undermine any good relationships.

I learned that if I'm falling hard for someone really quickly, I need to avoid listening to love songs, I need to catch myself from fantasizing and jumping ahead ten steps. I also need to remind myself to listen really closely to the person and to find out more about them. And if things are really fantastic with this person, we don't have to have sex with them now, tell them our complete life story now. That will all unfold naturally over time. 

Good luck.

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[notyouraveragebabe]

24 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds good @notyouraveragebabe.

Just a clarification. The reason for not putting all your cards on the table so soon isn't really (in my view) to play the game of hard to get. The reason you want to not put your cards all on the table (about wanting a serious relationship with this particular person based on a couple of meetings) is that you want to hold yourself back until you know this guy more. You want to allow yourself more time to feel seriously interested in him. 

You want to allow time for this person to earn your trust and that can only be done over time--given that people often perform for us on the first date or so (often much longer). At the start, all we really can know is if we want to see them on a subsequent date. I say this as someone who got into tons of trouble by falling hard for people way too soon. Falling hard made it impossible for me to truly evaluate whether this person was good for me. Worse, falling hard at the start, I ended up always justifying problems, overlooking problems, that were in my face. 

Happy to hear you realized you did nothing wrong. You didn't scare him away and so on. Seriously, it is one of the hardest things in the world to hold back a bit when we're feeling fantastic about someone. We have to remind ourselves that the intoxicating feeling of instant connection is really just a brain drug. That feeling is not evidence this person is good for us.  Intoxicating early feelings don't know anything about how this person treats their friends, whether they have friends, how they treat their mother, how they perform at work, whether they have huge debts, whether they will be supportive to us in a crisis, whether they're a night owl or morning person or whether this person has a drinking or drug problem or a toxic mother who'll undermine any good relationships.

I learned that if I'm falling hard for someone really quickly, I need to avoid listening to love songs, I need to catch myself from fantasizing and jumping ahead ten steps. I also need to remind myself to listen really closely to the person and to find out more about them. And if things are really fantastic with this person, we don't have to have sex with them now, tell them our complete life story now. That will all unfold naturally over time. 

Good luck.

 

I agree, definitely I need to date men, get to know them before I give myself away. I can’t fall too hard after 2 dates. I barely know the guy. I need to see who he really is before I trust him with my body. Who knows if he is actually a really good guy, who knows how things ended with his ex, or how he treated her? 
 

I overlooked things because I fell too hard, without listening & taking the time to get to know him before getting intimate.  I love what you said about “listening” when I go on dates I need to listen to what they have to say and get to know them. I don’t think I was listening to him, because I don’t really know much about him. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by notyouraveragebabe

[poppyfields]

Bottom line, dating and relationships are one great gigantic risk.

My ex and I had sex on first meet, not even a date.  It was the first night we met in the "real world."

We were together six years.  Got engaged and ended for reasons that had zero to do with us having sex so soon.  

There are many couples who have done same.

On the other hand, a couple could wait weeks or months to have sex, and be dumped afterwards.  

To me, when you have sex has no relevance.  

What does have relevance imo is (1) how strong the connection (2) whether one or both have commitment issues (3) maintaining your own life, friends, family, etc (4) allowing the relationship to proceed, slowly, gradually, organically.

Not necessarily in that order.

Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[notyouraveragebabe]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bottom line, dating and relationships are one great gigantic risk.

My ex and I had sex on first meet, not even a date.  It was the first night we met in the "real world."

We were together six years.  Got engaged and ended for reasons that had zero to do with us having sex so soon.  

There are many couples who have done same.

On the other hand, a couple could wait weeks or months to have sex, and be dumped afterwards.  

To me, when you have sex has no relevance.  

What does have relevance imo is (1) how strong the connection (2) whether one or both have commitment issues (3) maintaining your own life, friends, family, etc (4) allowing the relationship to proceed, slowly, gradually, organically.

Not necessarily in that order.

I agree. If it’s meant to be it’ll be. I hope one day I find love in the right person, who sincerely chooses me for who I am, for my heart, for my soul. 

[Lotsgoingon]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

My ex and I had sex on first meet, not even a date.  It was the first night we met in the "real world."

We were together six years.  Got engaged and ended for reasons that had zero to do with us having sex so soon.  

There are many couples who have done same.

 

You just got really lucky. You didn't really know this person. Just luck. 

Also, you may have gotten immediately involved without falling in mad love right away. The OP's issue was falling hard for this person right away and holding onto that feeling even with the man pulled away. 

Anything can work occasionally, just like someone can smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and live til 90. But the odds are vastly against going immediately into a deep relationship with someone--just as the odds are against the heavy smoker reaching 90. 

 

 

[Versacehottie]

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds good @notyouraveragebabe.

Just a clarification. The reason for not putting all your cards on the table so soon isn't really (in my view) to play the game of hard to get. The reason you want to not put your cards all on the table (about wanting a serious relationship with this particular person based on a couple of meetings) is that you want to hold yourself back until you know this guy more. You want to allow yourself more time to feel seriously interested in him. 

You want to allow time for this person to earn your trust and that can only be done over time--given that people often perform for us on the first date or so (often much longer). At the start, all we really can know is if we want to see them on a subsequent date. I say this as someone who got into tons of trouble by falling hard for people way too soon. Falling hard made it impossible for me to truly evaluate whether this person was good for me. Worse, falling hard at the start, I ended up always justifying problems, overlooking problems, that were in my face. 

Happy to hear you realized you did nothing wrong. You didn't scare him away and so on. Seriously, it is one of the hardest things in the world to hold back a bit when we're feeling fantastic about someone. We have to remind ourselves that the intoxicating feeling of instant connection is really just a brain drug. That feeling is not evidence this person is good for us.  Intoxicating early feelings don't know anything about how this person treats their friends, whether they have friends, how they treat their mother, how they perform at work, whether they have huge debts, whether they will be supportive to us in a crisis, whether they're a night owl or morning person or whether this person has a drinking or drug problem or a toxic mother who'll undermine any good relationships.

I learned that if I'm falling hard for someone really quickly, I need to avoid listening to love songs, I need to catch myself from fantasizing and jumping ahead ten steps. I also need to remind myself to listen really closely to the person and to find out more about them. And if things are really fantastic with this person, we don't have to have sex with them now, tell them our complete life story now. That will all unfold naturally over time. 

Good luck.

 

100% yes to the bolded.  It's not from a game playing  perspective that you don't put all of your cards on the table.  It's because you have to act as the proactive creator of your own beautiful life (and not foolish about it)...and that in itself makes you very attractive to others.  You act as the CHOOSER not waiting to be chosen.  Obviously, if the guy is a good guy and is proving worthy of being in your life, you are working with him and opening your life up to him being in it but still you are choosing what you want.  

Realistically, after one date or a portion of the date, you don't really know that you want him to be your boyfriend or a serious relationship so to say so is misleading.  Because even you or a person who says they are looking for a serious relationship MEANS "with the right person".  So by laying that general statement on the table, you are effectively telling this guy/person that he is the right person with NO knowledge of him or experience with him and very little effort thus far on his part to back it up.  It doesn't mean he is or isn't a great guy for you, just that you don't know yet and as someone who has an amazing life and amazing character, you don't allow just anyone into it that easily or without proof/effort/time.

One curious thing to me has always been how guys say their serious girlfriends or fiancé or wife "made them a better person".  I suspect it has a great deal to do with this concept ^^^^  aka requiring them to step up and show their best qualities in order to gain access to you (in total).

You sound like a very cool person, OP. I'm sure someone great will be in your life in the near future.  Even how you learned from this shows a confidence about yourself that is attractive.  

I would just caution that while I don't want to make you feel bad or make you feel like you need to censor your moves and thoughts next time, I do think some of what you did (and to be fair what he did as well) can scare a guy away.  I know we've talked a lot about the specifics of what my or other's perspectives on that subject (sleeping with a guy pretty soon, or stating you are looking for a serious relationship, potentially mishandling a probably "too soon" or rebounding guy)----so without going into that more (though we can!), I think the important thing to take from this no matter you opinions on these 3 subjects is that the other person's interest isn't some fixed entity at one point in time.  Therefore, what you do CAN influence the outcome good or bad. Therefore, timing WILL play a part.  I think the kind of statements that i"f a guy was really into you, nothing would get in the way" perpetuate the exact behavior and repeating of the same mistakes that DO scare guys away.  What he does and how he treats you will affect whether or not you want to date him and continue dating him and more layers will draw you toward him and give you more context in which to make these decisions and essentially the same thing goes on for you or any person, in any situation.   More information, more context informs the decision and makes it clearer along the way.  So don't discount your INPUT into either drawing him toward wanting a relationship with you or making him frightened or overwhelmed or pressured too soon.  If you treat his interest as some fixed thing that you have no real influence on, it gives him kind of a power or puts him on a pedestal to please choose you or that missteps on your end don't affect his decisions when they do.  Idk, if you actually believe this but I do see this type of thinking on the forum a lot: if he really liked you, nothing would matter, ie permission for a girl to act a fool & do too much to soon and expect a miracle lol.  You said it yourself when that previous guy was kind of at your feet wanting a relationship, it had no appeal.  The best things IMO are more balanced (where all or nothing thinking doesn't really have a place BTW) and that means they will unfold over some time.  Kind of think matching steps.  He gives a little, you meet him where he is; you give a little, he meets you where you are.

So about the role HE played.  The challenge for a lot of girls is that we don't mind getting swept up.  We are conditioned like that & probably more emotionally tuned for it. I kind of think we need to be the gatekeeper of sorts (not specifically for sleeping with a guy).  But more of tempering expectations etc.  Here's an example: this guy was 2 months out of a serious relationship, so you as someone who greatly values her own life and access to it, is open to fun and dating him but not sure if you can take HIM seriously due to his recent breakup and where his head is at with that.  He can get overly excited and call a lot and seemingly swept up himself but you would still approach it with caution due to knowing his circumstances.  In your shoes, i probably would have dragged out the dating part just because of his situation, kind of wait until he was healed and proven to me through actions that he was ready to really date me.  Flirted and even dated him for fun.  Careful not to get too emotionally invested.  

I get it. He even might have brought up: "what are you looking for" or if you met online one or the other might have said it on your profile.  Again, as the gatekeeper, if he had directed the conversation that way under the stars on this magical night, you have to temper it with some reality that HE'S getting caught up, perhaps future faking in an attempt to replace these missing feelings toward an ex or his loneliness so take it with a  grain of salt or not too serious---until he proves himself over time or backs it up with actions.  To be honest, if he tried to go there in conversation on this under the stars date, I probably would have redirected the conversation.  Not in a mean way, just if someone is saying that stuff, it means more if it's based in reality and true feeling and is much more meaningful at that point---so I'd rather hear it when it IS at that point, not allow myself to get all excited because some probably brokenhearted (but gorgeous, bf potential) guy is asking questions that are a good line of questioning...but at a questionable point in time!

Lol, lastly, the majority of guys are going to get caught up in the moment physically.  Not only do they physically want it, they are conditioned that way too as guys. Yet often they are disappointed if it happens too soon because I think they seek a potential romantic connection as much as we do but they kind of blow it by sleeping together too soon and then they see things with you differently.  I think a lot of that is not always judgement per se (though some is) but a lot of it is the fear and expectation that comes with immediately being in a full blown relationship--which is where their mind goes that it will be your expectation once you sleep together.

So see guys will lead you down the road and then be like "why are we here" "i didn't mean to do that".  Of course, they don't say that and girls get slapped with the label of wanting too much too soon.  lol, that's why you can't take them too seriously at these beginning stages.  It helps to see it that way as well (that they get overexcited, and sabotage things without necessarily meaning to either). It just looks different the way it happens on their end and you're left wondering "what happened?".

Hope that this helps  I can't wait to hear your continued story.  I feel good things coming your way! Good luck

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have read that another reason to hold back from having sex early is that in the beginning there are stages of emotional connection you need to go through to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. When you have sex too soon you miss those stages, never to make them up. That is not to say that once you have sex your relationship doesn't grow emotionally. It's just that there's a particular bonding you miss out on, though you may bond in other ways.

I have a close friend who was engaged and met a guy at a wedding. After an hour or so there they left and had sex all night. She broke her engagement off the next day and became a couple with the new guy. That was over thirty years ago and they're still married. But, it's been a rough go for them and they've come close to divorce many times. I daresay if you'd asked them a year or two after being together if they missed out on anything by having sex so soon they'd have said absolutely not. It's the long term that bears out the results of choices you make early on.

I'm not saying that will always happen if you have sex right away. I'm saying that if you give yourself time to build a strong base emotionally and spiritually before having sex you stand a greater chance of having a fulfilling relationship long term with someone who are compatible with, even.

It's a similar thing (not exact) as to a child needs to crawl before they walk. If they don't crawl it doesn't mean they're going to walk weirdly the rest of their lives. They will walk the same way. But there are things that take place in the brain of a child as he/she crawls that should happen for reasons of brain development. That is not to say that if you have sex as soon as you meet someone your brain won't develop. It IS to say we are complex, as humans, and when we follow doing things in the order that it's known to work best our lives will be more fulfilling. Why not give yourself every advantage in life when it's something you can control? We can't always control the way things happen to us, but when we can, why not make the choice that sets us up for the most happiness in the long term.

Edited November 24, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Miss Spider]

Yep, agree with all of it. I have no desire to sleep with someone right off the bat. It’s  important to me to have the emotional connection. Plus the build up of that attraction and desire is half the fun

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

Yes I have had experiences like this with OLD. Men especially have a hard time committing at times because you can click a button and have a range of options at your fingertips. No longer do men have to settle or try to accept something less then ideal (like a girl he just started dating living 2.5 hrs away).
 

I dont think sleeping with him fast helped BUT its been my experience that regardless even if you wait for sex a guy may still not be commitment minded or think you are the right girl. Thats why it is best to wait for sex so you can weed out the casual relationship types and decipher who is more serious and committment minded.