Is the ball in my court or his?

[Millennial]

On 11/23/2020 at 6:36 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

 

But why is choosing to go only so far, considered a 'game'? If all she wanted to do was kiss....then she has that choice. It's not like it is a reoccurring pattern of hers with this guy, where she just continuously gets him worked up and then leave. This was only the second date.

I sometimes feel like some men  think that just because you turn them on, either by just looking a certain way, or like OP did, making out with them, that then you owe them sex. You don't owe them a damn thing. It's your body. If all you want to do is hold hands, thats your choice. If all you want to do is kiss, thats your choice. If all you want to do is cuddle him, butt naked, thats your choice.

Now it's up to him to say, I don't feel comfortable with this, I don't want to, you need to go. Not make her feel bad for his own bodily reaction. You either respect the choice or don't. If you choose not to, be an adult about it and ask them to leave. 

Nah, you aren't taking the other person into consideration whatsoever.

It most certainly is a game. My ex-girlfriend literally told me that she made me 'wait' when I later asked her about it. There was this particular evening on our second date where things got very passionate, and yet she just wouldn't allow any clothes to come off. I had quite extreme pain in my testicles for about 12 hours afterwards. She very obviously wanted sex, and stuck to her 'rules' that she had. There very nearly wasn't a third date because of that sillyness. Third date was sex, so it was just completely silly and obviously something that her friends were telling her to do.

I don't think it needs explaining that dissapointment isn't ""rape"", so I won't even go there.

It seems that you (topic creator) had one night together with this gent, and then had to leave for a while. Quite obviously he wants that to be a good night.

There aren't many movies where the dashing hero gets one night with his girl, and she just wants to get some beauty sleep. Maybe at least try to see things a bit from his view.

Also interesting is that he is late to dates. I am often late to dates too, despite putting in a good deal of effort. Best first date you've ever had you said. Quite obvious that being a bit late isn't a big deal like people say it is. Women need to stop listening to their mates so much and focus on what is actually happening between the two of you. Buddhist types probably call that 'being in the present moment'.

The guy just sounds normal, and it just sounds like the momentum between you sort of fizzled out.

[trident_2020]

13 minutes ago, Millennial said:

she just wouldn't allow any clothes to come off. I had quite extreme pain in my testicles for about 12 hours afterwards.

Are you familiar with the art of masturbation?

[Millennial]

12 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Are you familiar with the art of masturbation?

Yep.

Are you familiar with blue balls?

I had to walk home 2 miles in skinny jeans at about 4am. I couldn't even touch it.

[trident_2020]

You should have touched it, you wouldn't have been in misery for 12 hours.

 

[poppyfields]

On 11/22/2020 at 7:44 AM, elaine567 said:

If you don't want sex, don't agree to go home with a man and don't end up kissing him in his bedroom.
That is asking for trouble.

I agree.  I didn't always feel this way, I felt like shortskirts, the men were respectful of my boundaries.

Until that one. Charming guy, but turned out to be a psychopath.  

Stop reading now if not prepared for UGLY truth.  

Invited a guy to mine after a lovely dinner (he paid), and after-dinner drinks at a jazz club.

I was a bit tipsy and very attracted.  So we kissed on couch it got quite heated.  He wanted more, I said no. 

Then he went into kitch, made another drink for us.  Next thing I know is I wake up naked, and screaming, the POS was sodomizing me.  

Went to police, tested for drugs, he  had laced my drink with rohypnol, date rape drug.  

Take from that what you will and proceed at your own risk.

 

[Miss Spider]

Oh poppy. My heart dropped a million miles an hour reading that. I am so sorry. (((Poppy)))

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Oh poppy. My heart dropped a million miles an hour reading that. I am so sorry. (((Poppy)))

Thanks my friend.  Remember the other thread when I said I had some horror stories to tell?  I wasn't kidding!! 

Don't get me wrong, I've had lovely dates with lovely men.  Kind, respectful.  And great relationships.

But then there's that one, or two or three.   There is no way to prepare yourself for something like that except to not place yourself in harm's way by inviting a virtual stranger to yours on a first date and engaging in a heated make out session.

Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

He wanted sex from you! He sounds like a jerk! No loss there

Edited November 25, 2020 by boymommy

[MeadowFlower]

I know I've already posted but guys like this are scum. Go live in the jungle. 

[hippychick3]

21 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree.  I didn't always feel this way, I felt like shortskirts, the men were respectful of my boundaries.

Until that one. Charming guy, but turned out to be a psychopath.  

Stop reading now if not prepared for UGLY truth.  

Invited a guy to mine after a lovely dinner (he paid), and after-dinner drinks at a jazz club.

I was a bit tipsy and very attracted.  So we kissed on couch it got quite heated.  He wanted more, I said no. 

Then he went into kitch, made another drink for us.  Next thing I know is I wake up naked, and screaming, the POS was sodomizing me.  

Went to police, tested for drugs, he  had laced my drink with rohypnol, date rape drug.  

Take from that what you will and proceed at your own risk.

 

Oh my goodness... I’m so sorry Poppy

I, too, have always experienced men who were respectful of my boundaries even when I went to their place or they came to mine. I never had sex on first or second date, and they never pushed it (well, maybe one but not aggressively). Looking back, I would not do that again if I were to be single again especially after reading your post. 

[boymommy]

19 hours ago, hippychick3 said:

 

I, too, have always experienced men who were respectful of my boundaries even when I went to their place or they came to mine. I never had sex on first or second date, and they never pushed it (well, maybe one but not aggressively). Looking back, I would not do that again if I were to be single again especially after reading your post. 

I agree. I have experienced men who were not respectful of boundaries and men who were. My  boyfriend came to my place early on and I went to his. We did nothing but kiss for a month and he was respectful of this boundary. Previous men I dated were not respectful of this boundary but I caught on to this and did not allow them into my place and I did not go to their's. I believe you can get a feel for how respectful someone is of your boundaries from the very first meeting. I proceed from there. I never let a man into my place (go to his) on the first date. If he reacts well to this and wants to see me again then I can see he probably is pretty respectful of boundaries and can control himself. Same with second date.

Edited November 26, 2020 by boymommy

[Miss Spider]

37 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I believe you can get a feel for how respectful someone is of your boundaries from the very first meeting.

I completely agree. I’ve always been very picky about the men that I date. I feel like a lot of red flags are often ignored or put aside in cases where women date men like this. Or they are just attracted to that type of man. There are always exceptions, of course, and men are still the ones responsible for their actions. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Commongoal123]

On 11/24/2020 at 6:39 PM, poppyfields said:

I agree.  I didn't always feel this way, I felt like shortskirts, the men were respectful of my boundaries.

Until that one. Charming guy, but turned out to be a psychopath.  

Stop reading now if not prepared for UGLY truth.  

Invited a guy to mine after a lovely dinner (he paid), and after-dinner drinks at a jazz club.

I was a bit tipsy and very attracted.  So we kissed on couch it got quite heated.  He wanted more, I said no. 

Then he went into kitch, made another drink for us.  Next thing I know is I wake up naked, and screaming, the POS was sodomizing me.  

Went to police, tested for drugs, he  had laced my drink with rohypnol, date rape drug.  

Take from that what you will and proceed at your own risk.

 

This is awful.  Coming from a guy, I am so sorry this happened... f'ing terrible...

[Commongoal123]

On 11/21/2020 at 9:18 PM, Blackberries said:

Hi, so I (34f) met a guy (39m) on OKcupid in early September. He messaged first and we chit chatted but we were both away at the time. He asked me to go for a drink but I was about to go on another trip, then when I was back, he was away (even if he'd mentioned what date he was back, he would text each time he was back to say he was back). 

In mid October we eventually went on our first date, he initiated and arranged it. He was 15m late but regardless, it was the best first date I've ever had. He asked me if I was having a nice time, then asked if he could kiss me, then asked if I wanted to go on another date before we'd even finished this one. I was on cloud 9 going home. I texted him a funny picture a couple of days later and he mentioned he was looking forward to the second date. 

Second date, he's late again but we still had a great time. There's a curfew in our city right now so everything shuts at 11pm. I would have gone home, but he invited me back to his, with the caveat that he had to get up early in the morning. Anyway we're in his bedroom kissing etc and I mentioned that I didn't want to have sex yet as I didn't want to rush things. Keep in mind that we live in a very liberal and sex-positive European city. He seemed really put out by me saying this, said that this hasn't happened since he was a teenager, and even asked if I am more religious than I claim (we're both agnostic). I was really hurt by that. He seemed to feel a bit awkward and didn't cuddle me at all during the night. The next morning, he got out of bed and went into the kitchen as soon as he woke up. I went in to say good morning and he made me breakfast etc.  I mentioned I was going away the following week for 3 weeks and would be back on the 19th Nov. I noticed that unlike the first date, he didn't say anything about meeting again. 

The following day, I messaged asking if he wanted to go for a drink before I left, but he said he couldn't make it. He double checked i'd be back on the 19th, but didn't specifically mention meeting up when I got back. 

About a week into my trip, I texted to ask him how he was doing. It took him a couple of days to reply (not unusual for him if one of us is away) but he seemed friendly and asked how I was. Still no mention of meeting when I got back. 

I'm now back 3 days and haven't heard from him. I would really like to see him again but am paranoid that he's only after sex or that he's only replying to be polite but hasn't got any actual interest. He says himself he isn't much of a texter, especially with new people, but I'd expect a bit more enthusiasm. Should I text him again to let him know that I'm back, even though he already would know that I am? When he was on trips, he would proactively text to confirm he was back, even if he'd already told me what date he'd be back. Maybe he expects me to do the same? Or should I leave it? 

Red flags all over this OP.  Coming from a guy's perspective here.... a pouty, guilt tripping, "punishing" (i.e. "I'm gonna give the cold shoulder now"... or "oh, you don'tget ABC now because of something you didn't give me or do for me"), and questioning man regarding a woman saying no to sex is not a good sign at all.  He is not a "keeper".  If he is this "upfront" with such behavior, how else might that manifest in the future, and what other ways might he do this (such as you wanting to spend time with friends, wear certain clothes, your preferences, etc)...

Try and see what is happening here between the lines.  Take a big step back and ask yourself if this type of behavior is really something you want to exist in the person you'd have a LTR with.

At best, it shows immaturity and childishness on his part.

And for whatever it's worth his emotions are not your responsibility.

Look for a guy who respects your boundaries AND doesn't treat you poorly or hot and hold when he isn't happy.  With that in mind, also look for consistency between how they act and react.  Got a guy who acts sweet and kind and considerate, but reacts coldly harshly or with ridicule?  That's an inconsistency worth noting my friend.

Regarding who's court the ball is in.... it's always both people simultaneously.  And it depends on what ball you're referring to.  Seeing things like so many have mentioned here through your own eyes and making decisions that are best for YOU is always in your court.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Commongoal123

[Chilli]

 

He acted like a spoiled brat. lt's perfectly understandable you wanted to wait l'd respect that. l can see how you got stuck at his with the curfew but l'd say maybe pointing out no hanky panky so soon to him before you went back would've been the go..

He sounds like he's lost interest buttttt, give it a wk or try another message if you like , slight chance he might just be busy whatever. But if l was female l wouldn't be interested given how he acted, l know you felt you got along well though otherwise soooo, up to you.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Chilli