Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 Hi guys! I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (we have met in person and we meet each other every two months and spend weeks or even months together). Lately we have been having some arguments that actually he misunderstood things I said and pretended I cheated on him or he felt insulted (while I have never insulted him and never offended him, I even have explained everything and swore that I didn't mean things the way he understood.) He is using this fact now and is acting cold about a week. When I am trying to be loving to him, he just says "me too" "I would want to" and it all looks really weired without any emotion at all. He has told me that he is reconsidering this relationship because of what happened. On the evening when I asked him "Did you go home?" he replied "yes but my battery is dying" so it looked like he was avoiding me (actually I know that his battery and charger doesn't work well). He usually finishes work at 18:00. He has been working there for over a month and he has never stayes later that 18:00, this week he is staying nearly everyday, telling me that he had a meeting which lasted longer or he had works to finish. Yesterday he told me that he was at a cafe on lunch time with his two female colleagues. To be honest I am not the jealous girlfriend and I don't think there is anything wrong in that. But when I had a project and was in a group with two guys, we used to fight all the time, he thought that we were flirting etc which wasn't true at all. I was even avoiding them just because I didn't want my boyfriend to have and missunderstanding. I even could stay without eating the whole day (he doesn't know that by the way), just because I didn't want to face them on lunch time. I was very stressed at the time because I had family problems too and he was making me feel worse with his thought and doubts. I was just working with them and he was that jealous. Imagine how much we would have fought, if I would go with them on lunch time. While I was trying to discuss these things with him, (with texts beacuse he was with his friends and couldn't call. I knew btw that his friends were staying for the weekend so he is not lying about that) he told me that I should do what I want to, because that is what he is going to do. He is taking the relationship easy because he doesn't want to stress himself more. And he said that there is no one in his life and nothing wrong has happened, and that he is never going to disappoint me, but if there would be someone else, he would break up with me first. As I mentioned I have never been jealous on these 2 years together, even when girls were trying to flirt with him (and this is something he gets nervous because he would want his girlfriend to be jalous), but this time I am having a strange feeling. I have had this feeling since the first day after the arguments, without knowing the signs I mentioned, but it got worse with the signs. I don't know but my gut is telling me that something is wrong and this is making me crazy. Maybe not cheating, I am not sure, but probably he is flirting or liking another girl. Or there is nothing and these are only my thoughts.... I don't know Btw when I asked him once, he has told me that he would consider the colleagues to date because when a girl is good-looking why not, but I am with you so I don't care for them. I respect them as colleagues.
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 I want to add: When I asked him today why he still continues with me, while he is not sure, mad and tired of our relationship, he said "Because I love you and I would want to be with you always"
Mrin Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 He sounds passive aggressive and is trying to make you insecure. And he's succeeding. Or he's trying to end the relationship in a very passive aggressive way. 2
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 3 minutes ago, Mrin said: He sounds passive aggressive and is trying to make you insecure. And he's succeeding. Or he's trying to end the relationship in a very passive aggressive way. Do you think I should act cold as well?
Mrin Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 1 minute ago, Kely1 said: Do you think I should act cold as well? No. I would act warm and receptive. But don't chase. Don't try to "fix" this. Let him reach out etc... Act confident and don't let him see your insecurity. I keep coming back to this "I don't know if I want to continue the relationship" comment he made. That's so weak. You either do or you don't. If you don't really know you don't say it or if you do you invite a conversation. So passive. And so aimed to knock you off kilter. Don't let him see that it is working. 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 You know he's being mentally abusive so why continue? 2
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 6 hours ago, Mrin said: No. I would act warm and receptive. But don't chase. Don't try to "fix" this. Let him reach out etc... Act confident and don't let him see your insecurity. I keep coming back to this "I don't know if I want to continue the relationship" comment he made. That's so weak. You either do or you don't. If you don't really know you don't say it or if you do you invite a conversation. So passive. And so aimed to knock you off kilter. Don't let him see that it is working. What do you mean by warm? What exactly should I do so it doesn't look like chasing?
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 7 hours ago, Mrin said: No. I would act warm and receptive. But don't chase. Don't try to "fix" this. Let him reach out etc... Act confident and don't let him see your insecurity. I keep coming back to this "I don't know if I want to continue the relationship" comment he made. That's so weak. You either do or you don't. If you don't really know you don't say it or if you do you invite a conversation. So passive. And so aimed to knock you off kilter. Don't let him see that it is working. And should I be too available when he calls or textes? Or should I reply his texts after 1 hour or so?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 Being warm or cold towards him is missing the point. Your relationship is on thin ice and he's being honest that he's getting tired of it. What is the end goal here, OP? Do you two have plans to close the distance?
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Being warm or cold towards him is missing the point. Your relationship is on thin ice and he's being honest that he's getting tired of it. What is the end goal here, OP? Do you two have plans to close the distance? Yes, we have
ExpatInItaly Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 And are you going to close the distance soon? This is all reading to me like he's checking out of the relationship. You two need to have a honest discussion instead of playing hot-cold games with each other and dancing around the real issues. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 Why are you apart? Work or school? Don't play games. If he is being a jerk, terminate the conversation. Why can't you date locally? 1
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why are you apart? Work or school? Don't play games. If he is being a jerk, terminate the conversation. Why can't you date locally? The relationship didn't start as a long distance one. But I had to move because I won a scholarship and didn't want to miss this opportunity because I have worked hard for it. He would have come with me, but he can't right now.
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 (edited) Btw I have noticed that the last three days, he goes online in whatsapp and doesn't open my messages but leaves them "delivered" and he has never done that before. We always text each other when we go online in whatsapp, never leave messages on delivered Edited November 22, 2020 by Kely1
Mrin Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 6 hours ago, Kely1 said: And should I be too available when he calls or textes? Or should I reply his texts after 1 hour or so? No I wouldn't do any sort of distancing like that. I'd respond with the promptness that you normally respond in. In other words if you are free to respond, then you should. The goal in my advice is to essentially stabilize things but also let him take the lead in the "where do we go from here" question. he basically raised the question so it's up to him to either answer it or invite you to be a part of the answering. He hasn't done that yet and that's why I say it's very passive aggressive. 1
Author Kely1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Posted November 22, 2020 Hey guys! I need you help because he is making me crazy. It is starting to feel like my first realtionship that the guys was ignoring me the whole time. I can't stand it this way, I am ready to break up but I love him and I don't want to do something I might regret
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 13 hours ago, Kely1 said: I need you help because he is making me crazy. It is starting to feel like my first realtionship that the guys was ignoring me the whole time. Why not call him? You two really need to talk, though video call if possible. It's becoming pretty clear that he doesn't prioritize you the way he once did, so yes, it might be time to end it. But I would at least have a conversation first and ask him to share what's really in his heart and mind these days.
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 On 11/12/2020 at 8:53 AM, deamiga said: Hello! Can you please lighten me up on this situation? (Don't give your opinion based on other threads that have been posted on this account, because I am a friend of the girl and I just wanted an opinion about my relationship) Me and my boyfriend are having a LDR. We have met in person and our relationship started as a normal one for about 6 months, then I moved to another country. Since then, we started fighting a lot. Things have gotten better now, we have arguments but not as in the first months. What I wanted to ask, is... My boyfriend wants me to do something or change something or do something more often, but I don't know what exactly. When I ask him, he tells me "I'm not going to tell you, you have to figure it out yourself". It sounds crazy but I really can't find it. I think that is what communication is about. We are two different people, two different psychologies, we can't just know what the other person wants. If you can't understand something on your own, then the partner should tell you what he likes, he doesn't like, wants more often or needs... What I offer him, is what I think he needs and I still fail on finding that. Can you guys tell me what would you want or expect from your partner in a LDR? If he won't respond to your messaging, don't fall into the games. Just don't message until he replies. 1
Author Kely1 Posted November 23, 2020 Author Posted November 23, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why not call him? You two really need to talk, though video call if possible. It's becoming pretty clear that he doesn't prioritize you the way he once did, so yes, it might be time to end it. But I would at least have a conversation first and ask him to share what's really in his heart and mind these days. But we can't. I have been trying to call him last 3-4 days, but he told me that he was with his friends. He sent me pictures so I could believe him. I don't know how he can't find just one minute to talk to me. Yesterday I asked him "where are you?" He replied after 1 hour, that he was home ready to sleep. I got angry because he was kind of ignoring me the whole day and still couldn't find some time to talk with me before going to sleep. He has noticed that this is making me angry and I guess he is playing to make me even more angry.. I don't know. Maybe even because he doesn't like that I am not jealous, so he is using this opportunity
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 If he avoiding you, it's time to end it. He's lost interest and doesn't have the courage to tell you. 1
Author Kely1 Posted November 23, 2020 Author Posted November 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: If he won't respond to your messaging, don't fall into the games. Just don't message until he replies. I thought the same to. But if he stays 4 hours without going online on whatsapp, makes me think somethin is wrong. Or going online and not opening my messages. He knew it makes me nervous and still did it again after I mention it. I asked him "why are you doing this?" He ignored the message, told me "I love you and I really mean it and say it with my heart, not the way you think" and after that he did the same, he ignored again my message while he was online
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) Stop text-tethering him. Being the online police is nonsense, controlling and silly No one owes you immediate responses because "it makes you nervous". Get a handle on this clinginess. Having an internet leash around someone's neck 24/7 is asphyxiating. Stop. Get involved in your own life. Friends, family,work/school, sports interests, etc. Step away from the screen. If you can't handle LDRs, simply accept that. Edited November 23, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Author Kely1 Posted November 23, 2020 Author Posted November 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Stop text-tethering him. Being the online police is nonsense, controlling and silly No one owes you immediate responses because "it makes you nervous". Get a handle on this clinginess. Having an internet leash around someone's neck 24/7 is asphyxiating. Stop. Get involved in your own life. Friends, family,work/school, sports interests, etc. Step away from the screen. If you can't handle LDRs, simply accept that. Actually I never do that. I have noticed it these days and I have been keeping an eye on it, because I think he is hiding something. There are a lot of signs suddenly in just a week, ignoring me, avoiding me, being busy all the time, coffees with female colleagues (which would be a big deal if I did that with my male colleagues), late meeting at work. There is something going on. How is it possible that in a month that he started working there, there was never a day he finished work later, but this week, every single day
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 If you think he found a local GF, perhaps you should do the same. LDRs are not for everyone. 1
Author Kely1 Posted November 23, 2020 Author Posted November 23, 2020 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you think he found a local GF, perhaps you should do the same. LDRs are not for everyone. I wouldn't like being cheated on or lied. I just want to know, so I can continue my life and he his. But I don't know if he would tell me the truth. He says that there is no one, and wouldn't disappoint me. But how do I know
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