Lil Honey Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Okay, I will accept opinions and advice, but I also just need to get this out. My daughter is 22. She is a very smart girl. She is driven to do well at any job that she gets. I couldn't have asked for a better kid. (I can say the same for her brother.) Since she was 16 she has been working. She has had four places of employment and moving on was a step toward improvement in wages or hours or for the challenge. She has worked her way through school and has a Bachelor's degree. She didn't accept any help from me or her dad, said she wanted to "do it for herself." She also purchased a house in the hope of someday being further ahead of the game rather than renting. I couldn't love her more and I couldn't be prouder. She has had the same boyfriend for five years. I didn't like him from the start and I still don't. I used to get upset with her about him. I used to try to make her see why he isn't good for her. That didn't work. I tried to keep my mouth shut, hoping that she'd see for herself and leave him. That didn't work. I have tried to like him. Really I have. He drinks and smokes, which are things she doesn't do. He has had no family life, so I can't expect him to know how to handle one. He has just left her places. He has had six jobs that I know of in the same amount of time as my daughter. He didn't move on to bigger and better things. He's been fired from each one. He's been fired for "hugging the female employees" and "not responding well to customers." He couldn't/wouldn't pass the military entrance exam. Now he is living with her in her house. (Thank God I talked her into putting only her name on the title.) He was recently fired again and she is strapped for money. She is talking about moving away to get a better job. (And I wonder if she's moving away so that he can start on a new town and exhaust all employment opportunities there as well.) I told her last night that she needs to start taking care of herself and liking herself. She said, "I don't know how." Okay, that made me sad. I feel responsible (even though I was told that I shouldn't). I feel like I should have been a better mom. I feel that I must have done something wrong since I (apparently) didn't convey to her how important she is, how wonderful she is. I didn't instill confidence in her. I have accepted that she will have to deal with him through the School of Hard Knocks. I have done about all I can do, except ship one of them off to Siberia. What could I have done differently to make her feel good things about herself? Unfortunately, I also think these feelings run in the family. I'm sorry that this is long. Thanks for sticking with it.
Outcast Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Will they go to counselling? I suspect he may have ADHD or Asperger's. His history of firings and inappropriate behaviour and the other things you describe point in that direction. A competent therapist could determine whether he may be suffering from one (or both) of them or some other disorder. And of course would help her.
Lil Honey Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 He has ADHD. I don't know a great deal about it, but I do know that many people have it, yet they know enough to keep their hands off other people. I can understand that it can be a hinderance. I don't think it should be an excuse to lollygag. I'm hoping they don't have children . . . (And as a mom who loves kids and wants to have grandkids, I don't say that lightly.)
cj_gal Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I dated a guy that had a very bad family life and really lacked love in all directions. They never change...he's so scatter-brained about his major(which he has changed at least 5 times that I know of). He broke up with me basically because I had a good family. I don't know if they can change, but I would say that therapy would be the best thing for him and your daughter, but separately. Go in and look at sociopath.org and see if those characteristics fit him, because they fit my ex to a tee! They don't usually outgrow it til they're in their 30s. Good luck!
Lil Honey Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Outcast: I find it interesting that you should suggest "Asperger's." That isn't a "household name." Do I know you from somewhere else? CJ Gal: Thanks for the suggestion. I don't know what they have done as a couple. I went to a counselor with my daughter, in an attempt to try to understand each other. We basically went away agreeing to disagree about her boyfriend. *sigh* Anyway, my question was, How do I go about helping her to see herself as a confident person who likes herself?
Mz. Pixie Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Lil Honey- You're a good mom, I know you are. Perhaps you could take her for a spa day or something to make her feel good about herself or suggest some counseling. Until she realizes that she is worth more than this jerk she probably won't leave him. Keep pumping her up when you can. Does she know someone who has the perfect relationship? Why not ask her what she likes about that relationship and then ask her, "Don't you want to have that one day too?"
Skeered Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Wow sounds like your daughter is like I was starting out. I had things going for me, a very loving supportive home, I was good at supporting myself, and I had goals. I hooked up with a guy that sounds much like her guy, couldn't hold a job, had no love in his family, disrespected women entirely. But I was in love and I couldn't see it. My self esteem was washed away completly mostly because I didn't like to out do him or make him feel less than. My mom was much like you trying to get me to see the forrest for the trees instead of lowering myself to accept his behavior...but I was in love and I felt he needed me and if I didn't help him who would. You talking to your daughter is doin more than you think, because in those moments of her hurting because he has let her down again she is thinking of what you have said to her, she knows your right and that you know her better than anyone but the problem is she hasn't gained the strength to do what she needs to do. I pray that she doesn't marry the guy because that's what I did and after 10 years and one daughter, many nights of tears and disappointement my mom's words came in loud and clear and I took my daughter and walked. But I'll tell you this...my mom's words of strength for me and her encouragment to do better was what finally woke me up. Keep talking, pray for her if you believe in that (my mom prays like crazy for me) and don't loose faith that what you are saying she is hearing. And if she gets defensive just stop talking because what that meant with me was that I was hearing everything and I knew my mom was right but you just don't know where to start. I hope I'm not in left field here it just sounded similar to my story. But please don't blame yourself, you sound like a great mom who is concerned for her daughter that you love...
RainyDayWoman Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 i used to work with special needs children that had things such as asperger's and autism, etc. they were children, but they do grow up into adults with the same disorders. maybe i can help.
RecordProducer Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Lil Honey, I understand your position completely. It takes many years and bad experiences to get a degree in parentship. I know I am not doing teh same mistakes that my parents did, because I know how it feels. God knows what mistakes I am/will be doing that might affect my children's life later. However, I don't think this is necessarily your mistake. Some people have low self-esteem by default. It's possible that she has found a man who is much worse than her hoping subconsciously that he will appreciate her more. But in reality it doesn't happen - they usually appreciate you less. I am talking from my own experince with two men. It's never too late to let her know all the time how much you love her and admire her personality. Let her know that she is great and could have any man, someone who is as good as her. Try not to attack her choice, but rather present it as if she was trapped by this guy. Is he a cheater? Perhaps setting him up to be with some other girl might convince your daughter that he is not the one? After all, meybe she won't marry him.
Lil Honey Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Thanks everyone. Mz Pixie: I try to be a good mom, but I sure don't like the thought that my only daughter doesn't like herself much. I see other young women who seem to "have it all together." Goodness knows, I don't want her to have the same issues I have had. Skeered: I have said everything that I can say about her boyfriend. She and I know how the other feels about him. I try not to say anything negative about him (which means I generally don't say anything about him LOL). On Christmas day, he just decided to up and leave her at her house without any prior conversation about it. She was visibly stunned (and upset). I told her that she deserved better than that. She was fighting back the tears in front of me. I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she said that I didn't have to, so I pulled her brother aside and told him to ask her if he could stay and watch cable TV with her. (She told him that he could stay, so I was glad that I found a way to keep her from being alone without her feeling like she was being felt sorry for.) Record Producer: I also have tried not to make the same mistakes that my parents did. I know that a lot of what they did was for my own good in growing up (teaching me responsibility, discipline, honor, ambition, etc.). I also knew enough to change other things. I think that she wants to help him. I think helping makes her feel good. Unfortunately, I doubt that there is any helping him. At least, there isn't anything that she is qualified to do. RainyDayWoman: I'll listen to anything that might help. Thanks for offering. Should I send him to you regular mail or Express? LMAO
Skeered Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 LIL I think you are doing everything you can...and unfortunatly we as parents have to let our kids fail once in a while to help them grow. Not saying that she will get that far but the hurt she is feeling and the struggles she is going through are a co-dependent nature. She's allowing him to fail and she's pickin him back up (I know I did it and still do) it does give her a sense of satisfaction to help him, and one day she will tire of constently picking up the pieces and she will want a real man that can provide for her and help her out as well. As I said before and I know that you probably feel it's not enough just keep talkin to her and holding her up. My mom said she was so frustrated through this time in my life yet now she see's what's become of it. I'm a stronger woman and have a lot of faith in myself to make a better life for myself and my daughter. Hang in there...
RecordProducer Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 I think that she wants to help him. I think helping makes her feel good. Unfortunately, I doubt that there is any helping him.Every woman instinctively wants to help the ones she loves until she can't take anymore and realizes that her effort is not appereciated. Your daughter probably hadn't had an experince with a guy who treated her like a princess. Gosh, that feels sooooo good! I could never go back to the losers like the ones I dated. Once you try a great man, you believe it's the only thing you want and deserve. Right now, for some reason, your daughter believes she deserves this guy. The fact is, the more you oppose the more she will want him.
Skeered Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Every woman instinctively wants to help the ones she loves until she can't take anymore and realizes that her effort is not appereciated. Your daughter probably hadn't had an experince with a guy who treated her like a princess. Gosh, that feels sooooo good! I could never go back to the losers like the ones I dated. Once you try a great man, you believe it's the only thing you want and deserve. Right now, for some reason, your daughter believes she deserves this guy. The fact is, the more you oppose the more she will want him. VERY WELL said RP...
Lil Honey Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Skeered: I'm trying to "let her fail." Sometimes she complains about him and I will either say, "You picked him out," or I will say nothing. RP: You are right. My daughter hasn't had another boyfriend (one who is determined and attempting to be successful). He is really the only guy who has paid much attention to her. I guess she (like her mom) doesn't have the "flash" that most men are attracted to. She just hasn't come to realize that that is okay. It eliminates a lot of riff-raff.
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