SomeDude16 Posted November 19, 2020 Posted November 19, 2020 I (20's M) am trying to figure this girls communication style/ interest level out and I could use some help. We are in different cities for a bit due to COVID but already asked her out and have a first date planned for when we are back in the same city again. We have been texting each other for 3ish months and she still seems genuinely interested, sends thought out responses and always replies. Problem is she never really asks me questions. At first I thought she might be losing interest from texting too much so I ended a conversation and went radio silent for a bit. She double texted after not hearing from me and started a new conversation so I know she's still interested, I assume. From there the conversation has continued for a few days so far. I just feel its weird that she doesn't ask any questions, but does show interest in other ways. We are very much in the "getting to know each other" phase and the conversation flows, it just seems I'm the one asking the questions 80-90% of the time. I think she just may be a bit inexperienced in the whole dating area, and thus doesn't really know how to ask probing questions? Am I overthinking this? Maybe I'm being kept on the back burner? Just wanted to hear everyone's thoughts and any advice/insight. Thanks in advance!
boymommy Posted November 19, 2020 Posted November 19, 2020 Instead of playing texting games with her why don't you actually present your concerns to her in an honest open way and see if there is an issue? Maybe it just takes her awhile to open up and (gosh even worse yet!) if you haven't met yet she may not really want to get too emotionally invested in someone she doesn't even know if she likes. I know covid puts a wrench in things but 3 months is a long time to text without meeting. The delay in the first date is what is most likely causing any insecure or weird behavior and leading to this. That's just WAY too long to go before meeting someone! Covid or not. 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, boymommy said: Instead of playing texting games with her why don't you actually present your concerns to her in an honest open way and see if there is an issue? Maybe it just takes her awhile to open up and (gosh even worse yet!) if you haven't met yet she may not really want to get too emotionally invested in someone she doesn't even know if she likes. I know covid puts a wrench in things but 3 months is a long time to text without meeting. The delay in the first date is what is most likely causing any insecure or weird behavior and leading to this. That's just WAY too long to go before meeting someone! Covid or not. Maybe I'm just tired and reading it wrong, but this came across sounding super passive aggressive. So what are you saying your solution or advice is, cut it off? Cure COVID? Fly across the country? The timeline part is out of my control. Edited November 20, 2020 by SomeDude16
Miss Spider Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 I think you are just a back up option for her now. And TBH she should be one for you too, at this point 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I think you are just a back up option for her now. And TBH she should be one for you too, at this point I kind of had that feeling too. Like effort is still being put in on her side, just not the full effort possible. I just found it weird that someone who wasn't totally interested would initiate by choice, but maybe my perception is off? My gut is telling me its either trying to keep it on cruise control for now or she is just lacking the experience or will to lead the conversation, but it always helps to hear an outside perspective. Thanks. Edited November 20, 2020 by SomeDude16 1
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 29 minutes ago, SomeDude16 said: Maybe I'm just tired and reading it wrong, but this came across sounding super passive aggressive. So what are you saying your solution or advice is, cut it off? Cure COVID? Fly across the country? The timeline part is out of my control. No this was not my intent at all, nor did I realize you guys were across the country either. You just said "different city" but did not specify distance. Maybe I didn't say it well or I misunderstood due to your distance..but what I was trying to say was instead of going radio silent (which actually is passive aggressive) you just flat out ask her what is going on? I think being open and honest with people is always the way to go because really how else are you going to know unless you ask? That's what I was trying to say. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 Some people are not great conversationalists. To me texting is a huge drag but it's been a few decades since I have seen my 20s. I believe it's your generation's preferred method of "communication." I put that word in quotes because 90% of all communication is not verbal & you lose every bit of it through text. Even if she wasn't asking that many Qs, you may be able to evaluate her level of interest based on her tone, the tilt of her head, the dilation of her pupils when she does talk to you etc. So my advice before you write her off, try facetiming her. 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, boymommy said: No this was not my intent at all, nor did I realize you guys were across the country either. You just said "different city" but did not specify distance. Maybe I didn't say it well or I misunderstood due to your distance..but what I was trying to say was instead of going radio silent (which actually is passive aggressive) you just flat out ask her what is going on? I think being open and honest with people is always the way to go because really how else are you going to know unless you ask? That's what I was trying to say. Ahhh ok, no worries friend! Great example of the importance and difficulty of communication in text hahaha! Thanks for clarifying I totally agree with the open and honest part. Unfortunately I've been getting conflicting advice on how much we should communicate. Some people say weekly, some people have told me every few days, and some have said take it how it comes or break it off. I guess the problem I'm having is figuring out how much interest there actually is and how to keep it. I already know she was initially interested after asking her out and her saying yes (In- hind sight I probably should have waited to ask her out until we were back to the same city, but no do-overs in life). And she tried to revive it after I went cold (really the conversation had ended because she gave a response that I really could not reply too) and there was no contact after a couple weeks. I'm just having a hard time understanding why put in the big overt effort but not the smaller if that makes sense.... Any advice on how to kind of have that honest conversation you are talking about? Thanks for your help! Edited November 20, 2020 by SomeDude16
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Some people are not great conversationalists. To me texting is a huge drag but it's been a few decades since I have seen my 20s. I believe it's your generation's preferred method of "communication." I put that word in quotes because 90% of all communication is not verbal & you lose every bit of it through text. Even if she wasn't asking that many Qs, you may be able to evaluate her level of interest based on her tone, the tilt of her head, the dilation of her pupils when she does talk to you etc. So my advice before you write her off, try facetiming her. I agree! I am very much old school, and if it wasn't for this dang COVID I would either be a few dates in or have moved on. Just this COVID thing is like relationship building purgatory. In person you get a really great indication of a persons interest and can escalate and pivot in the moment while text feels very scripted and ridged. I just feel kind of weird asking to facetime/skype before having a first proper in-person date. We are still well in the "getting to know each other" phase still, and I feel that by asking to Facetime we would in effect be forgoing that first in-person date for this, but it might just be a little bit of insecurity on my part. Any advice on how to have that conversation about facetiming? Like just, "we should facetime" or what? The online realm of things throws me for a loop hahaha, thanks for taking the time to comment!
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, SomeDude16 said: Ahhh ok, no worries friend! Great example of the importance of communication hahaha! Thanks for clarifying I totally agree with the open and honest part. Unfortunately I've been getting conflicting advice on how much we should communicate. Some people say weekly, some people have told me every few days, and some have said take it how it comes or break it off. I guess the problem I'm having is figuring out how much interest there actually is and how to keep it. I already know she was initially interested after asking her out and her saying yes (In- hind sight I probably should have waited to ask her out until we were back to the same city, but no do-overs in life). And she tried to revive it after I went cold (really the conversation had ended because she gave a response that I really could not reply too) and there was no contact after a couple weeks. I'm just having a hard time understanding why put in the big overt effort but not the smaller if that makes sense.... Any advice on how to kind of have that honest conversation you are talking about? Thanks for your help! I get it, it's tough to try to get a relationship off the ground when it's long distance. You have to do the "get to know you" portion through communication ONLY and not really through spending any time together. I agree with facetime/skype? Would that be an option do you think? Its definately better then texting and it may help break the ice a little and help build more of a connection between you. Then you can feel more comfortable and you can talk to her about where she wants things to go. My suggestion would be to present this issue to her on facetime/skype and then present it to her like you have noticed things have been a little off lately. Just be honest with her about where you are at and say you want to continue to pursue this but acknowledge it's difficult given you temporarily live in different places. Ask her what her thoughts are and how she feels. The worst she can say is that she isn't into it and then at least you'll know! 1
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 You could make light of it. Hey my fingers are tired from all this texting. Between the distance & Covid, wanna be on trend & Facetime / Zoom / videochat with me? I'd love to see your smile. See what that gets you. 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 11 minutes ago, boymommy said: I get it, it's tough to try to get a relationship off the ground when it's long distance. You have to do the "get to know you" portion through communication ONLY and not really through spending any time together. I agree with facetime/skype? Would that be an option do you think? Its definately better then texting and it may help break the ice a little and help build more of a connection between you. Then you can feel more comfortable and you can talk to her about where she wants things to go. My suggestion would be to present this issue to her on facetime/skype and then present it to her like you have noticed things have been a little off lately. Just be honest with her about where you are at and say you want to continue to pursue this but acknowledge it's difficult given you temporarily live in different places. Ask her what her thoughts are and how she feels. The worst she can say is that she isn't into it and then at least you'll know! I am not opposed to it at all, I think it would be nice actually.... different but nice. Maybe she's waiting for it too? Who knows, but "trying is free right"?!?! I guess realistically I'm just kind of off-put by the idea of the "make or break" of a it being vested into a facetime call vs a proper in person date. Like it would somehow be better to wait or put in minimal effort now and build it up later vs risking it now, big risk big reward I guess. But that might just be my own little bit of insecurity/nervousness talking? The whole Online meeting/ talking thing is new to me, add in the long distance thing too which is new and it feels super... I don't even know how to describe it. No idea how people do LDR's for years hahaha!
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You could make light of it. Hey my fingers are tired from all this texting. Between the distance & Covid, wanna be on trend & Facetime / Zoom / videochat with me? I'd love to see your smile. See what that gets you. That's pretty good, just don't want to come across as needy texting and now asking to video chat? To my old school brain it feels counter intuitive and clingy, but I guess you have to advocate for yourself, right? I may steal that line though! 1
DarrenB Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 I think you're both just as inexperienced as each other... Text conversations don't provide much character, especially after 3 months of it and not even meeting it can be debilitating for someone to continuously get involved with getting to know you. It's been 3+ months or whatever, I'm sure a majority of things have already been covered. Perhaps you're just a little too invested into this. If you want to get her to be more open to talking with you have you ever considered talking on the phone, facetime (virtually)? anything other than text form? 1
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, SomeDude16 said: That's pretty good, just don't want to come across as needy texting and now asking to video chat? To my old school brain it feels counter intuitive and clingy, but I guess you have to advocate for yourself, right? I may steal that line though! I always worry as coming across as needy to people as well. My thought on this is that if you can push someone away that easily just by advocating for what your needs are, then they probably weren't a real great match for you anyway. Confidence is sexy and not needy at all. Have confidence in what you want. I certainly think you guys need to switch to phone calls and text to communicate. It will help! Edited November 20, 2020 by boymommy 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, DarrenB said: I think you're both just as inexperienced as each other... Text conversations don't provide much character, especially after 3 months of it and not even meeting it can be debilitating for someone to continuously get involved with getting to know you. It's been 3+ months or whatever, I'm sure a majority of things have already been covered. Perhaps you're just a little too invested into this. If you want to get her to be more open to talking with you have you ever considered talking on the phone, facetime (virtually)? anything other than text form? Valid point. I should specify and say that 3 months isn't talking everyday, just 3 months cumulative time interacting. The text pace is perfect, we know each others schedules, and there is no pushiness or invasive texting. You might be right that I am too invested in this, I just don't know what "this" actually is because as you know we have not had a proper date. I guess its make or break time, which sucks because I would much rather it be in person. I feel I screwed up and should have waited to make a move. Obviously she is interested, I just wish the circumstances are different. Online/ virtual is definitely not how I intended to try and build this thing.
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 10 minutes ago, boymommy said: I always worry as coming across as needy to people as well. My thought on this is that if you can push someone away that easily just by advocating for what your needs are, then they probably weren't a real great match for you anyway. Confidence is sexy and not needy at all. Have confidence in what you want. I certainly think you guys need to switch to phone calls and text to communicate. It will help! Great point. I think I have an idea about how I can go about this and lead the conversation towards a virtual thing, fortune favors the bold right? I'll go for it and come back to let you know how it went (and I may need some more helpful advice from you ) Thanks! 1
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 Asking for what you want is not needy or clingy. Acting like some the sun rises & sets on some relatively new person in your life & the next breath you draw is dependent on them is clingy & unattractive. there is a difference. You hit the nail on the head when you realized you have to advocate for yourself. Don't be a doormat or a steamroller. 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Asking for what you want is not needy or clingy. Acting like some the sun rises & sets on some relatively new person in your life & the next breath you draw is dependent on them is clingy & unattractive. there is a difference. You hit the nail on the head when you realized you have to advocate for yourself. Don't be a doormat or a steamroller. A little off topic, but I think my generation as a whole has a huge problem with social normalization and dating. They think all men must be the archetypical strong, stern, type-a pursuer. All women must be the soft spoken, sweet, and pursued. If more people were their individual self instead of trying to fit into their category, people would be able to mesh more and relationships would blossom. If everyone could just say what they feel instead of trying to say what the other wanted to hear, life would be so much easier hahahaha. Just my 2 cents. Edited November 20, 2020 by SomeDude16
Wiseman2 Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 Sorry to hear that. How old is she and how did you start talking? Was it a dating app, gaming platform or social media? What do you have in common to keep the conversation going? Is there a possibility of ever meeting? Has she invited you to connect on social media, or engage in phone or video chat? If not, are you concerned she's catfishing? 1
Atwood Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 People are diverse, right down to the individual. She could have had previous experiences with parents/siblings/friends/partners that have influenced the way she communicates with people. Or it could be something about how you two are connecting. Try not to overthink/overanalyze it. I wouldn't write her off yet, it's way too soon to tell. Follow your gut and whether or not you feel chemistry. I used to be a little upset that my partner doesn't ask me many questions, but he explained that because I'm so chatty he knows I'm going to volunteer all the information so he's never had to ask. Is anything like that going on? Are you a pretty open book? There's no harm in saying, "I've noticed you don't ask many questions, is there anything you want to know about me?" 1
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. How old is she and how did you start talking? Was it a dating app, gaming platform or social media? What do you have in common to keep the conversation going? Is there a possibility of ever meeting? Has she invited you to connect on social media, or engage in phone or video chat? If not, are you concerned she's catfishing? She's younger by a few years and we met at school (ZoomU). She was flirting pretty hard in class but It would have been inappropriate to make a move there. She reached out to me on my social media and it kinda just went from there. We have a fair amount in common it seems, and I told her I wanted to take her out when we're back in the same city, to which she agreed. No video/ phone call but social media yes.
Author SomeDude16 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Atwood said: People are diverse, right down to the individual. She could have had previous experiences with parents/siblings/friends/partners that have influenced the way she communicates with people. Or it could be something about how you two are connecting. Try not to overthink/overanalyze it. I wouldn't write her off yet, it's way too soon to tell. Follow your gut and whether or not you feel chemistry. I used to be a little upset that my partner doesn't ask me many questions, but he explained that because I'm so chatty he knows I'm going to volunteer all the information so he's never had to ask. Is anything like that going on? Are you a pretty open book? There's no harm in saying, "I've noticed you don't ask many questions, is there anything you want to know about me?" That's a good point, I do volunteer information but only because I'm not getting the question reciprocated for example Me- "what do you have planned for the Thanksgiving break?" Her- *Thought out response but doesn't return the question* Me- "Oh that's cool I'm doing x" Her- *some sort of response to my comment thats kind of hard to follow up on* Me- *Follow up question on what she said earlier* I don't know, maybe i'm just not as socially competent as I think I am Edited November 20, 2020 by SomeDude16
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 The cold written words via text sound dreadful because she's not asking Qs back. If you had the benefit of the non verbal communication which is lacking from text you would better able to judge poor conversationalist vs. doesn't care. So when are you scheduling that face time call?
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, SomeDude16 said: That's a good point, I do volunteer information but only because I'm not getting the question reciprocated for example Me- "what do you have planned for the Thanksgiving break?" Her- *Thought out response but doesn't return the question* Me- "Oh that's cool I'm doing x" Her- *some sort of response to my comment thats kind of hard to follow up on* Me- *Follow up question on what she said earlier* I don't know, maybe i'm just not as socially competent as I think I am Its possible she may be a more introverted type of person. My boyfriend is actually a terrible texter because his responses are VERY general and he doesnt ask a lot of questions. He says this is because of the instant nature of texting and he cant think fast enough to generate a response and then fire a question back at me. He communicates better in person and via email because he can take his time and think through a response. Phone calls are also an issue for my boyfriend due to the slow response/no response. This is something we have had to continue to work through as our relationship is semi long distance (1 hr away) and we see each other mostly on weekends due to my disability and our different custody schedules. Do you have her email address? Try emailing her! Edited November 20, 2020 by boymommy
Recommended Posts