Guys that do low effort to plan a first date

[Miss Spider]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

AAAAAUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

This is more s***-testing someone. You won't put what you want in your profile because you want this "romantic guy" you seek to be spontaneously romantic & know you want romantic.   You are still demanding that some stranger read your mind.   This is why you are unlikely to get what you want because you won't effectively communicate your desires.  You just sit, judge & reject if you don't get what you think is an ideal spot for a 1st date.  

Keep up that pattern because it's working sooooo well for you.  

While the food court at the local mall is not an ideal 1st meet, which again is different then a 1st date, if the guy is suggesting Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, etc. it's because with OLD you need to pick someplace SAFE & not too expensive.  He doesn't want to waste his time either.  He may fear that most women on OLD are gold diggers or have other issues so easy to find, parking. well lit & not too expensive all fit the bill here.   These places also lend themselves to short encounters so it's an easy bail if it's not working on either side.   The 1st meet is the substitute for what used to happen organically when your only option was in person where you had time to size somebody up before agreeing to the date.  Stop thinking the 1st meet IS the date; it's not so lower your expectations about the location accordingly.  You don't have to lower your standards about the kind of person you want to date but I honestly think you are sabotaging yourself here. 

Any intelligent guy who has spent a bit of time on OLD know that there are $Hittesters, time wasters, crazies, liars galore on there. That’s why of them don’t want to invest a lot in a first meet if they don’t have to . Not to mention just an innocent ‘not hitting it off’ happens all the time too.

But this is besides the point, because now  OP says what she really wants is a man who will woo her with thoughtful, unique, and inexpensive first date that she herself can’t even think of. She said she would like a walk on the beach. That’s not really original or thoughtful. That is literally the most cliché thing ever, “I love long walks on the beach” So I don’t get why this is being made like it’s about effort and thoughtfulness ? Feel like it makes a better case  for ‘class’ or something like that...
 

note again , this has nothing to do with the food court guy in particular. It seems like this was made just to vent about him, which is fine, I guess. At least OP took some accountability in her actions with him. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[peach302]

14 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

There was a huge part of my life where I didn’t have standards or boundaries and I attracted all sorts. Even narcs who wouldn’t put any effort because I was oh so happy with low effort. 

Later on in my life I decided I wanted effort but still didn’t have boundaries so I attracted narcs who love bomb.

So yeah I have experience in all sorts.

That is why now I have learned to have boundaries and standards I have zero narcs in my life.

And I stick to my guns. So I am not high maintenance, demanding or entitled as some people said in here. I’ve been through a lot, know what I want and have those firm boundaries and standards now. I want a healthy happy relationship with a nice man.

That's fair. 

I think with this guy all i was saying is at least he did suggest an alternative and a lot of others may not have done that..n would have chosen the ghosting route.

But anyway carry on swiping  see if you find someone who meets your first date standards.. 

[ladybug2021]

26 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Any intelligent guy who has spent a bit of time on OLD know that there are $Hittesters, time wasters, crazies, liars galore on there. That’s why of them don’t want to invest a lot in a first meet if they don’t have to . Not to mention just an innocent ‘not hitting it off’ happens all the time too.

But this is besides the point, because now  OP says what she really wants is a man who will woo her with thoughtful, unique, and inexpensive first date that she herself can’t even think of. She said she would like a walk on the beach. That’s not really original or thoughtful. That is literally the most cliché thing ever, “I love long walks on the beach” So I don’t get why this is being made like it’s about effort and thoughtfulness ? Feel like it makes a better case  for ‘class’ or something like that...
 

note again , this has nothing to do with the food court guy in particular. It seems like this was made just to vent about him, which is fine, I guess. At least OP took some accountability in her actions with him. 

Ok I get that.

Did you know that for example one of Tinder recommendations is to have a video chat before meeting up? 

I guess that could count as that first coffee date to ‘test the waters’.

And if both feel attracted, interested, etc, then can plan an actual nice first date. 

[ThereSheGoes]

32 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Any intelligent guy who has spent a bit of time on OLD know that there are $Hittesters, time wasters, crazies, liars galore on there. That’s why of them don’t want to invest a lot in a first meet if they don’t have to . Not to mention just an innocent ‘not hitting it off’ happens all the time too.

But this is besides the point, because now  OP says what she really wants is a man who will woo her with thoughtful, unique, and inexpensive first date that she herself can’t even think of. She said she would like a walk on the beach. That’s not really original or thoughtful. That is literally the most cliché thing ever, “I love long walks on the beach” So I don’t get why this is being made like it’s about effort and thoughtfulness ? Feel like it makes a better case  for ‘class’ or something like that...
 

note again , this has nothing to do with the food court guy in particular. It seems like this was made just to vent about him, which is fine, I guess. At least OP took some accountability in her actions with him. 

 Though it is a bit stereotypical, a walk on the beach can be seen as romantic and does allow the two to have a conversation while doing an activity together. It kinda ticks multiple boxes, instead of an 'interview' at a mall or a coffee shop. Get to take off your shoes, be more relaxed, enjoy the environment, you're in public but there's no possibility of being intruded on, and you can have an in-depth conversation, that doesn't feel forced or conjured.

She said she wanted to be courted, and a walk on a beach allows for the man to do just that. To think of that instead of a coffee shop, is putting a little more effort in to it, imo.

[ThereSheGoes]

9 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Ok I get that.

Did you know that for example one of Tinder recommendations is to have a video chat before meeting up? 

I guess that could count as that first coffee date to ‘test the waters’.

And if both feel attracted, interested, etc, then can plan an actual nice first date. 

 

Agreed. I do this all the time. I want to make sure that something is there, so we both won't be wasting time and money on a date that shouldn't have happened. Not saying that phone convos and video chats will elevate every single issue, but it does give you a much better view of the person, one that you can trust.

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 Though it is a bit stereotypical, a walk on the beach can be seen as romantic and does allow the two to have a conversation while doing an activity together. It kinda ticks multiple boxes, instead of an 'interview' at a mall or a coffee shop. Get to take off your shoes, be more relaxed, enjoy the environment, you're in public but there's no possibility of being intruded on, and you can have an in-depth conversation, that doesn't feel forced or conjured.

She said she wanted to be courted, and a walk on a beach allows for the man to do just that. To think of that instead of a coffee shop, is putting a little more effort in to it, imo.

That is exactly what I mean

Inviting to a coffee at a shopping mall shows no effort or no thought into it. It has a practical, business like feel. 

Inviting for a walk at the beach shows a little effort and thought, although I agree it might sound cheesy to some. To me is romantic, relaxed, with the sound of the waves crashing. You can even take a beach towel for both to sit down a little. Lovely.

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 Though it is a bit stereotypical, a walk on the beach can be seen as romantic and does allow the two to have a conversation while doing an activity together. It kinda ticks multiple boxes, instead of an 'interview' at a mall or a coffee shop. Get to take off your shoes, be more relaxed, enjoy the environment, you're in public but there's no possibility of being intruded on, and you can have an in-depth conversation, that doesn't feel forced or conjured.

She said she wanted to be courted, and a walk on a beach allows for the man to do just that. To think of that instead of a coffee shop, is putting a little more effort in to it, imo.

It could be coming from the thought of ‘I want to make this romantic’ or it could just be a guy that is cheap and doesn’t even want to buy a coffee. 
 

I feel like online dating is by its very nature forced and conjured. I never felt that less on ‘walking’ first OLDates, but I respect that you have 

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Ok I get that.

Did you know that for example one of Tinder recommendations is to have a video chat before meeting up? 

I guess that could count as that first coffee date to ‘test the waters’.

And if both feel attracted, interested, etc, then can plan an actual nice first date. 

I think the Skype first meet is a great idea. I’ve never tried it. I think, paradoxically, a lot of people find it to be too much effort. Kind of strange. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

Agreed. I do this all the time. I want to make sure that something is there, so we both won't be wasting time and money on a date that shouldn't have happened. Not saying that phone convos and video chats will elevate every single issue, but it does give you a much better view of the person, one that you can trust.

Absolutely. You can see the other person’s face, see if it matches the photos, see their body language, if there is attraction, if the conversation flows, if there is banter, and if there is interest to meet in person.

If there is, then you can both have a proper first date. 

I am going to do this from now on.

[ThereSheGoes]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It could be coming from the thought of ‘I want to make this romantic’ or it could just be a guy that is cheap and doesn’t even want to buy a coffee. 
 

I feel like online dating is by its very nature forced and conjured. I never felt that less on ‘walking’ first OLDates, but I respect that you have 

 

Wait. The guy buys the coffee?

LOL. Every time I went on a coffee or smoothie date, I bought my own drink. The guy would never even ask if he could.

 

But differen't strokes for differen't folks. OLD isn't for everyone.

[ladybug2021]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It could be coming from the thought of ‘I want to make this romantic’ or it could just be a guy that is cheap and doesn’t even want to buy a coffee. 
 

I feel like online dating is by its very nature forced and conjured. I never felt that less on ‘walking’ first OLDates, but I respect that you have 

The thing is, there are usually places at the beach to have a coffee, tea or whatever. If the walk on the beach goes well, both can go to one of those places or even have dinner. If not, you say bye and move on.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[ladybug2021]

1 minute ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

Wait. The guy buys the coffee?

LOL. Every time I went on a coffee or smoothie date, I bought my own drink. The guy would never even ask if he could.

 

But differen't strokes for differen't folks. OLD isn't for everyone.

I would never see that guy again. He invited for coffee, he pays. But that is topic for another thread.

[ThereSheGoes]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think the Skype first meet is a great idea. I’ve never tried it. I think, paradoxically, a lot of people find it to be too much effort. Kind of strange. 

Oh, most definitely. I've asked other guys for a video chat date, and they stopped talking to me. They thought it was weird, but I was like.....wouldn't YOU want to make sure I was who I said I was and that I looked like my pictures? From a guy's stand point, it would seem to make sense, but apparently that is not so.

[ladybug2021]

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think the Skype first meet is a great idea. I’ve never tried it. I think, paradoxically, a lot of people find it to be too much effort which is kind of strange. 

Isn’t it the new normal nowadays? Talk to people on Skype or Zoom because of this pandemic? I think is a great idea and actually less formal and weird than a ‘first meeting for coffee’. 

I would suspect of someone who does not want to do that prior to meeting in person.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ladybug2021 said:

I just realised with this thread what do I want. 

I want courting, chivalry, romance. A man who is a gentleman. I love that! 

 

Fabulous, then allow him to be the "man" and court you!  You don't demand that he be "the man" and court you like you did with this guy.  Demanding that as "the man" he make the decision.  What you were doing whether you realize it or not, was demanding that he be the "masculine energy" instead of allowing him to simply BE the masculine energy.  If you don't feel a man is masculine energy enough for you, then just next him.  Versus trying to turn him into masculine energy.

 I hope you realize this lady, what you blunder was in this situation.

Going forward, simply sit back and allow him to lead, to be the man, to be the "masculine energy" since that's what you like.

If he's not, then it's next.  Easy peasy!

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Oh, most definitely. I've asked other guys for a video chat date, and they stopped talking to me. They thought it was weird, but I was like.....wouldn't YOU want to make sure I was who I said I was and that I looked like my pictures? From a guy's stand point, it would seem to make sense, but apparently that is not so.

As I said in my previous post, I would suspect if someone refuses a video chat. It makes me think they have their wife at home, or don’t  look like their pics, that they are hiding something.

Because yes it would be normal to make sure the other person is who they say they are before you meet them in person.

[Miss Spider]

Just now, ladybug2021 said:

The thing is, there are usually places at the beach to have a coffee, tea or whatever. If the walk on the beach goes well, both can go to one of those places or even have dinner. If not, you say bye and move on.

Yes. With my dates, it’s been a place where it was like “let’s just meet here and hang out for a bit “

like a bar, coffee shop, park, show, or other misc.  venue .... then they would suggest we get food or go to another venue .
 

I quite like just getting drinks because it’s very fast and I am not committed to much. 

Just recently I was asked by a dude who knew I liked art if I would like to do some kind of pottery thing with him for a first meet... We would  make pottery and then paint it.. that’s just way too much commitment for me for a first meet, personally. 

 

 

[ladybug2021]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Fabulous, then allow him to be the "man" and court you!  You don't demand that he be "the man" and court you like you did with this guy.  Demanding that as "the man" he make the decision.  What you were doing whether you realize it or not, was demanding that he be the "masculine energy" instead of allowing him to simply BE the masculine energy.  If you don't feel a man is masculine energy enough for you, then just next him.  Versus trying to turn him into masculine energy.

 I hope you realize this lady, what you blunder was in this situation.

Going forward, simply sit back and allow him to lead, to be the man, to be the "masculine energy" since that's what you like.

If he's not, then it's next.  Easy peasy!

Totally agree and that was my mistake. Thank you for pointing that out, will take that advice moving forward.

[poppyfields]

Also keep in mind that men are NOT mind readers.  A man asking where you would like to go is thoughtful, why?  Because he wants YOU to be comfortable!  He wants to please you!

This has no bearing on whether or not he is "a man" or "masculine energy."  My fiancé oozes masculine energy, and he always asks me what I prefer doing, where I would like to do.  He's wants me to be comfortable, he wants to please me.

I mentioned previously but learn balance.  The best men have a combo of masculine and feminine energy, alpha and beta.

Best to get rid of antiquated ideas about what constitutes masculine and feminine.

Good luck!

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Anyway, I completely get that you want something romantic in your eyes, planned solely by the guy, ladybug, and it’s good to know what you want. 

[Miss Spider]

28 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Isn’t it the new normal nowadays? Talk to people on Skype or Zoom because of this pandemic? I think is a great idea and actually less formal and weird than a ‘first meeting for coffee’. 

I would suspect of someone who does not want to do that prior to meeting in person.

Would you be the one to suggest that though? Or would you expect that the man would be the one to initiate the Skype meet? It’s not that common where I am at. It’s so uncommon that if a guy asked me for a Skype meet first, I’d  assume that he thought I was a catfish or was paranoid for some reason.  That being said, I wish it were more normalized.People here are still meeting, but socially distance meeting,  and even that is being taken quite loosely...

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

When people complain about their lack of success with OLD, they tend to blame other things. The men or women they’re meeting, the sites / apps, culture, etc. Rarely do they look in the mirror and ask themselves if it might be their own thoughts, beliefs and attitudes that are limiting their success.

 

OP, you sound pretty entitled. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Weezy1973

[Lotsgoingon]

Frankly, if there is a chemistry, the first meet doesn't matter.

I've taken women to boring places, and the people I had chemistry with could make open fun of me and get me laughing while they made fun of my simple plans. Now on a second or third date--after I have concluded I DO have some in common with the person--then I'll be more imaginative. 

On the other hand, I've taken people out on dates that cost an obscene amount of money in romantic settings--restaurants with dimmed lights and all of that--and that didn't improve chemistry one bit. Not. One. Bit.

I think it's useless--and can even reflect insecurity--to plan some elaborate "romantic" first meeting. The other problem with the elaborate first date is that it locks men into perpetrating the fraud, it pushes men away from any real authenticity. Guys take a woman out to some fancy place that for the rest of their lives they will NEVER really go to again. I

The elaborate first-date thing encourages men to play a role of being a man and a particular kind of man. Nothing to do with really being a real man, with specific interests and specific tastes. And ultimately the relationship will rise and fall based on genuine interests the two people share.

The fancy first date can be very misleading.

 

 

 

 

 

[notbroken]

Maybe you are 'hung up' on the idea of being able to tell a great story on how you met years later.   In many people's opinions, OLD is often a waste of time and they want the first one to be safe, quick, and mostly just a check to make sure you want an actual date (the second one +).   Expensive, romantic dates, don't make sense to many guys who have been 'catfished' in the past.   Passing guys that don't talk you for a walk on the beach for a first date might be costing you some good people but of course that choice is up to you.   

When I was using OLD, I usually met at a modest Mexican food place and had a margarita and talked.  However, one of the longest lasting and better people I met wanted to meet at Starbucks.  It was the quickest first dates I ever had.  She suggested it.   We ended up with one another for quite a while.   She later told me she had met so many liars and been catfished herself she just wanted to make sure I was 'real'.  

Give people a 'pass' on the first date when OLD.   Don't expect fireworks so fast or to try to build some great story to tell your grandchildren.   With experienced OLDers, most don't go all out - and it is not from 'laziness'. 

[DarrenB]

Perhaps you need to take a short hiatus from dating. 

I don't think you'd be satisfied until someone recommended they'd meet you on a Pegasus horse in shining white armour, to banquet on the moon with a cheeseboard and chocolate covered strawberries.