Guys that do low effort to plan a first date

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

That is why I said before are coffee and dinner the only options? No.

One of the best dates I’ve had was a walk along the beach. We did go for coffee afterwards but because we both wanted and felt right, not because we have to sit at a table judging each other.

I don’t like quick first coffee ‘meetings’ because it feels artificial, with lots of pressure, weird. Job interview style. Hate that.

I can’t even be myself like that because I am not relaxed. 

A walk at the beach (or even coffee sitting on the beach sand), etc, is much better for me because it is more relaxed.

And yes I would not sit for hours on a date I am not enjoying. I would just be honest and leave.

But your whole thread was about how men don’t give you effort in planning dates. And besides the fact that I agree with Colin that you’re really not considering their side of things much( like their interest) , you can’t expect them to read your mind. I don’t see how walking on a beach is high effort or creative... all you do is go to the beach. It’s fine that you didn’t find his date suggestion appealing and therefore lost interest, but don’t think it’s fair you that you call laziness because you don’t agree with him on what is a good first date. Also to play date suggestion roulette with someone is kind of silly ... say what you want or move on . He’s the type of guy to go on a first meet at a mall food court 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Sadly the expectation of mind reading is still alive.

He asked you to pick a place, you gave him a hard time, lecture,etc.  now you're going into a character assassination about his counteroffer.

Unfortunately it seems like you are not ready to date. If you were, you would simply say "there's a place on the beach Iike, let's meet there"

Instead it's several pages of indignation that he didn't read your mind and pick the place you wanted. He had the audacity to ask where you would like to meet.

Step back from dating until you get your anger tempered. 

[Atwood]

Having expectations of what men are supposed to do and women are supposed to do is really going to hamper your happiness. Expectations in general can be pretty lethal for relationships if they rely on your partner being able to read your mind about what you want. Your masc/fem energy might make sense to you, but it's actually a dynamic that's personalised and only you are in the know about what you want. So in essense you're criticising people for not adhering to your rules without giving them the rules in the first place. Shopping mall might be a horrific first date for you, understandable as it's a preference, but how will they know it? Maybe they like shopping malls. 

Men are people, and some people don't like making decisions. Especially if it doesn't really matter to them because they're just happy to be going on a date with you. If it matters to you, pick the place and tell him where you're going. That's not masculine, women can make decisions as well. 

If you want to keep your expectations in place, you're going to have to rifle through a lot of people until you find someone who shares your exact expectations/dynamic, and maybe it would be best to stay single until that happens. 

[Miss Spider]

40 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

That is why I said before are coffee and dinner the only options? No.

One of the best dates I’ve had was a walk along the beach. We did go for coffee afterwards but because we both wanted and felt right, not because we have to sit at a table judging each other.

I don’t like quick first coffee ‘meetings’ because it feels artificial, with lots of pressure, weird. Job interview style. Hate that.

I can’t even be myself like that because I am not relaxed. 

A walk at the beach (or even coffee sitting on the beach sand), etc, is much better for me because it is more relaxed.

And yes I would not sit for hours on a date I am not enjoying. I would just be honest and leave.

Now you don’t like coffee meets? Earlier seaside coffee sounded fine. You don’t seem too sure of what you like. How do expect a stranger to be? 
 

It sounds like basically you want a guy to prove his worthiness to be amongst your presence by guessing what your ideal first meet would be. Oh and he if he guesses wrong he’s lazy or lame and gets put on blast. Otherwise, could just as easily just suggest it and this whole problem would be solved?
 

If you don’t like coffee meets, just say that and  tell him you’d rather go to the beach. 

The mall is probably close to his work or something and he’s fitting you in to his schedule because he has a life and doesn’t need to dedicate a bunch of time  and mental space proving himself to a virtual stranger he doesn’t know he’s even feeling yet...

 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ladybug2021]

49 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Now you don’t like coffee meets? Earlier seaside coffee sounded fine. You don’t seem too sure of what you like. How do expect a stranger to be? 
 

It sounds like basically you want a guy to prove his worthiness to be amongst your presence by guessing what your ideal first meet would be. Oh and he if he guesses wrong he’s lazy or lame and gets put on blast. Otherwise, could just as easily just suggest it and this whole problem would be solved?
 

If you don’t like coffee meets, just say that and  tell him you’d rather go to the beach. 

The mall is probably close to his work or something and he’s fitting you in to his schedule because he has a life and doesn’t need to dedicate a bunch of time  and mental space proving himself to a virtual stranger he doesn’t know he’s even feeling yet...

 

 

 

That is exactly like I used to think before and only attracted lazy guys one after the other.

Now I do have standards and yes I do expect that a man in his 40’s knows how to treat a woman.

It’s not about mind reading, he can even invite me to something I never though of before or a place I don’t even know. It’s about effort and showing he is thoughtful and considerate.

That guy has all the right in the world to invite to a shopping mall date, I’m just not his person to go and to me that screams lazy right and left.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

. How a man behaves on the first date/meet is what it tells me if I want to see him again. 

Unfortunately you haven't even gotten that far in this case. You were too appalled at his counter offer, when you refused to suggest a place.

Are you trying to do some sort of testing or screening this way?

What type of apps are you on and how much chitchatting prior to setting up a meeting do you allow?

What are your criteria as far as who you'll respond to and who you'll consider meeting?

 

[ladybug2021]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you haven't even gotten that far in this case. You were too appalled at his counter offer, when you refused to suggest a place.

Are you trying to do some sort of testing or screening this way?

What type of apps are you on and how much chitchatting prior to setting up a meeting do you allow?

What are your criteria as far as who you'll respond to and who you'll consider meeting?

 

No testing at all! I just want someone who is a match to me!

Yes I need some chat before I agree to meet. I like to know a few basic stuff like where do they live and with whom, civil status, job, if they have children (and for them to know I have a son and are fine with it), why they are on the App. 

And yes how they ask and where do they choose to go on a first DATE, not meeting, tells me a LOT about them.

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, CollinW said:

I see a lot of focus on what you want, what you demand, what he should be doing and your sexist ideology. I don't see any emphasis on what he wants or what his goals are. 

Believe it or not, men are human beings who have their own goals and standards. We weren't put on this earth to serve you. You haven't humanized him once in this thread, he's essentially a blank vessel of a date. 

I'm not sure why women like you think men who are essentially strangers owe you anything. He probably wants a woman who is less entitled, and you want a man who act like he owes you something. Neither of you found that in each other, yet he isn't the one online complaining.

In ladybug’s defense women who have more of traditional or old fashioned mindset to dating can give off this vibe. I am sure I do too but I in no way intend to. I dont think men are to serve me its just I know what I want. But I am also open to compromise and I would never think “my way or the highway.”
 

That being said I think its smart in dating to keep standards high but also not TOO high and discredit guys who legitimately just may be good guys but have some weird quirks (you know like first dates at food courts haha) In my mind that can be worked out because if you like each other why is the place important. You are going to get to know each other. Thats the point. I would challenge ladybug to examine what her dating motives are

[peach302]

3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

That is exactly like I used to think before and only attracted lazy guys one after the other.

Now I do have standards and yes I do expect that a man in his 40’s knows how to treat a woman.

It’s not about mind reading, he can even invite me to something I never though of before or a place I don’t even know. It’s about effort and showing he is thoughtful and considerate.

That guy has all the right in the world to invite to a shopping mall date, I’m just not his person to go and to me that screams lazy right and left.

Whats happening right now?

Have you agreed on a place?

I think just go along, enjoy the date no matter where it is..and if you aren't  feeling it..just go your separate ways.

Because if there's this much drama over an initial place to meet, nothing will go anywhere. 

Its up to you though. I understand you're a woman in your 40s (im assuming) with tonnes of experience so now you know what you want and what you definitely don't  want. 

[peach302]

5 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

In that case, just be honest. Say ‘you look much older and I don’t feel comfortable continuing to meet you’. Or if you are not up to being direct just say an excuse and leave. Simple.

You have no obligation to stay on the date if you don’t feel like it, being a coffee ‘meeting’ or dinner at The Ritz.

I used  to stay because  i found it rude to leave.

 

[peach302]

16 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

He apologised and agreed a shopping mall is not the best place and that he hasn’t been out on a date for ages, but then suggested a place to meet that is like a shopping  mall but outside. lol

So nope not meeting him.

I think having read this you're expecting a bit too much too soon now. 

He explained hes a bit rusty and suggested something  else. 

A lot of others may have nexted you once you said you don't  want to go to a mall..and don't want this and that..thinking you're high maintenance lol. 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

A walk at the beach (or even coffee sitting on the beach sand), etc, is much better for me because it is more relaxed.

If that is what you like then you need to speak up.  Expressing that preference by you picking this place  / activity is not you "being the man" in the date.  It's you avoiding something you don't enjoy -- what you characterize as the job interview, stressful meeting.   Because the meet for coffee is almost the standard if you want something else, you need to speak up. Most men ask because they are trying to be nice & accommodate you, not because they are lazy & uncaring. 

[ladybug2021]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If that is what you like then you need to speak up.  Expressing that preference by you picking this place  / activity is not you "being the man" in the date.  It's you avoiding something you don't enjoy -- what you characterize as the job interview, stressful meeting.   Because the meet for coffee is almost the standard if you want something else, you need to speak up. Most men ask because they are trying to be nice & accommodate you, not because they are lazy & uncaring. 

I am sick and tired of ‘speaking up’ and suggest nice places for a first date after they suggest nothing at all or ‘mall food courts’. 

Many many many times I suggested and ended up going to a nice place I like with a lazy guy who would still choose the shopping mall food court or equivalent for a second date...

So after that happening many many times, now I suggest nothing! He suggests and by his suggestion I can see the type of guy he is.

After a first date and with more dates yes of course I can suggest too if I feel we are a match. But for the first date? Nope, not anymore.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Exactly the scenario I'm talking about, and I don't call meeting up for a drink or a coffee a 'date' as such, it's just a casual catch up. I learned early on with OLD to stick to a brief catch up so that both people can decide whether they want to go on a real date. Nothing like seeing and chatting to Mr Smokin' Hot on a date site and then finding you've agreed to dinner and a movie with Mr Twenty Years Older Than His Photo.

Catching up....100% agree, yes when I say "place" mean meet for a drink and for things to do a movie or any thing you locked into (basically it has tickets) a general no for a first date.  It's really just a meeting, so being able to get to talk to each other uninterrupted is key.  As indoors may not make as much sense these days, one may need to step it up a bit and bring the drinks for an outdoor meeting.  Good news is it will save you money...and the effort makes a difference.

I kind of thought it was obvious not to make a big production out of a first meet, but certainly bigger than coffee at a food court...or at least most food courts. 

 

On Mr. 20 Years Older...good reason to have a friend, or better yet children, do the check in text call, then there can be some "emergency" you need to attend to.  Not great I know, but one way out.   I believe the check in call / text is also good for a safety reasons, just in case.

Edited November 20, 2020 by SumGuy

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

He suggests and by his suggestion I can see the type of guy he is.

Many years ago, I had a first date with this woman.  She was new to the area and I suggested a "day" date at this new HUGE aquarium that has just opened, she agreed. (As a side note, I was very much interested in seeing this new aquarium.)

I picked up tickets in advance. 

Oddly she lived around the corner from my father, so before the date I dropped off some paperwork he had requested.  When I got to my Dad's house he was picking fresh strawberries from his garden and told me to take a couple of pints (for this woman I was meeting), which I did.

So, I went to her place & gave her the strawberries when I got there; she immediately ate a few.  Apparently, she loved fresh strawberries.  I explained they had been picked just a few minutes ago. She said they were perfect.

Then we went to the aquarium, they were sold out for (walk-up) tickets, but I had purchased tickets in advance, so we were all good. Apparently, this really impressed her that I had thought to get tickets in advance. We had a great day at the aquarium, had lunch there and talked for hours.  The conversation just flowed nicely and the whole day passed.  I have no idea where the time went.

On the way back to her place, I remembered this fantastic & inexpensive "Mom & Pop" Chinese restaurant, that had the BEST General Tso Chicken.  Turned out General Tso chicken was her favorite, so we ate dinner there. She agreed the General Tso chicken was in her top 5. So that was a win, as well.

When we got back to her place, I went in and we talked for another hour or so.  At that point, I figured the date had gone on long enough and I told her it was time for me to head home.  I gave her a little kiss.  She asked if she could walk me to my car, which I said sure.  When we got out to my car, she told me that the date I had planned had been the best she had ever been on and she didn't want it to end.  She invited me to come back in and spend the night, which I did.  For the record, she was awesome in bed!!

More than the sex, it felt really good to plan a date that someone really enjoyed and called "the best date they had ever been on". In the end, a good time was had by all.

I doubt she would have invited me to "spend the night" if I had taken her to the mall food court for some chicken fingers and a diet coke.

 

 

[ladybug2021]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many years ago, I had a first date with this woman.  She was new to the area and I suggested a "day" date at this new HUGE aquarium that has just opened, she agreed. (As a side note, I was very much interested in seeing this new aquarium.)

I picked up tickets in advance. 

Oddly she lived around the corner from my father, so before the date I dropped off some paperwork he had requested.  When I got to my Dad's house he was picking fresh strawberries from his garden and told me to take a couple of pints (for this woman I was meeting), which I did.

So, I went to her place & gave her the strawberries when I got there; she immediately ate a few.  Apparently, she loved fresh strawberries.  I explained they had been picked just a few minutes ago. She said they were perfect.

Then we went to the aquarium, they were sold out for (walk-up) tickets, but I had purchased tickets in advance, so we were all good. Apparently, this really impressed her that I had thought to get tickets in advance. We had a great day at the aquarium, had lunch there and talked for hours.  The conversation just flowed nicely and the whole day passed.  I have no idea where the time went.

On the way back to her place, I remembered this fantastic & inexpensive "Mom & Pop" Chinese restaurant, that had the BEST General Tso Chicken.  Turned out General Tso chicken was her favorite, so we ate dinner there. She agreed the General Tso chicken was in her top 5. So that was a win, as well.

When we got back to her place, I went in and we talked for another hour or so.  At that point, I figured the date had gone on long enough and I told her it was time for me to head home.  I gave her a little kiss.  She asked if she could walk me to my car, which I said sure.  When we got out to my car, she told me that the date I had planned had been the best she had ever been on and she didn't want it to end.  She invited me to come back in and spend the night, which I did.  For the record, she was awesome in bed!!

More than the sex, it felt really good to plan a date that someone really enjoyed and called "the best date they had ever been on". In the end, a good time was had by all.

I doubt she would have invited me to "spend the night" if I had taken her to the mall food court for some chicken fingers and a diet coke.

 

 

I love this and THIS is exactly what I want! Glad to see there are men like this and that I am not entitled or demanding or high maintenance like some called me here, I just want to enjoy a date with a nice man that knows how to be a man.

And by the way, the shopping mall food court was not to eat any food, was just for coffee! God forbid he spends any money on chicken wings on a first date! lol

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[boymommy]

40 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I am sick and tired of ‘speaking up’ and suggest nice places for a first date after they suggest nothing at all or ‘mall food courts’. 

Many many many times I suggested and ended up going to a nice place I like with a lazy guy who would still choose the shopping mall food court or equivalent for a second date...

So after that happening many many times, now I suggest nothing! He suggests and by his suggestion I can see the type of guy he is.

After a first date and with more dates yes of course I can suggest too if I feel we are a match. But for the first date? Nope, not anymore.

Yes but I think a lot of people in this thread are picking up on the fact that it seems you may want it both ways. Like you are trying to be both the guy and the girl. Which in a dating situation may be kind of tough! 
 

It seems you want a guy to to make plan, but then you arent satisfied. He tries to change it to please you but you don’t want to work with him because that seems to hard to. Come on now ladybug, I feel like something has to give! You either plan the date yourself and then you get exactly what you want, OR you do the leg work and continue to be willing to work with a guy who may have good intentions towards you but just doesnt plan well..even if that feels stressful and slightly irritating. Otherwise how in the world will you EVER get anything off the ground girl? Lol

[ladybug2021]

3 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Yes but I think a lot of people in this thread are picking up on the fact that it seems you may want it both ways. Like you are trying to be both the guy and the girl. Which in a dating situation may be kind of tough! 
 

It seems you want a guy to to make plan, but then you arent satisfied. He tries to change it to please you but you don’t want to work with him because that seems to hard to. Come on now ladybug, I feel like something has to give! You either plan the date yourself and then you get exactly what you want, OR you do the leg work and continue to be willing to work with a guy who may have good intentions towards you but just doesnt plan well..even if that feels stressful and slightly irritating. Otherwise how in the world will you EVER get anything off the ground girl? Lol

No I do not work around planning things with a guy that wants to take me to a shopping mall food court. It ends right there with him.

I want a man who is a match to me. 

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, ladybug2021 said:

No I do not work around planning things with a guy that wants to take me to a shopping mall food court. It ends right there with him.

I want a man who is a match to me. 

Okay I might be missing something because what I dont understand is why the PLACE he takes you matters so much. Its the person that counts! I could care less if a guy took me to a walk in a park for a first date..if it was romantic and special I would be happy. 

What you are indicating is not masculine or feminine but in reality more of a materialistic attitude about dating. Which I mean thats fine if thats how you feel..I think there will be a guy out there for you. Its just you may need to adjust your expectations because men may be put off by a trivial hangup as to where the first date takes place. I understand not trivial to you..but it can come across as trivial to lots of men. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

... I just want to enjoy a date with a nice man that knows how to be a man.

For me, that is just how I date women.

I asked my present long term girlfriend (8.5 years) about our first date, yesterday. (as I was reading your thread) She reminded me that I did bring her flowers, when I picked her up.  Our first date was dinner and drinks, it was at a local restaurant.  Not expensive, just average... 

As I learned more about her, instead of bringing her flowers when I picked her up for dates, I would bring her a book.  She loves books and I used to go to this used book store, often.  I'd get one for her and one for me, then we'd read them & exchange them. To this day, we still have our own little private book club. 

[Happy Lemming]

22 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

God forbid he spends any money on chicken wings on a first date! lol

I always budgeted money for dating.  If you can't afford a nice date, then you can't afford to date.

In another instance, I had asked out this beautiful redhead.  Before the date, I stopped off at this road side flower stand.  The guy was just closing up.  I was going to pick up a $5-$6 bouquet of whatever flowers, but he had these HUGE beautiful yellow roses, they were the biggest ones I had ever seen and they were perfect.  He wanted $20 for the dozen, I told him I couldn't afford $20, so he dropped the price to $10, as he didn't want to take them home and needed money for gasoline (apparently a slow day for flowers).  So I purchased them.

Turned out yellow roses were her favorite.

When I gave them to this woman for our first date, she couldn't believe her eyes and went on and on about how pretty they were. Later she told me that she dried & pressed one of the flowers into her scrap book.  She also told me a few months down the road, that the flowers made it easy to agree to a second date with me.  She liked being treated special.

[boymommy]

30 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I love this and THIS is exactly what I want! Glad to see there are men like this and that I am not entitled or demanding or high maintenance like some called me here, I just want to enjoy a date with a nice man that knows how to be a man.

And by the way, the shopping mall food court was not to eat any food, was just for coffee! God forbid he spends any money on chicken wings on a first date! lol

ladybug I think you are getting different responses because honestly everyone's views are different on what constitutes "high maintenance" or "flexible" or "demanding." No two people are the same and what you are really talking about here is compatibility. Which is what I was trying to say. I think there is a guy out there for you who will be what you are looking for. If you want a guy to go all out and ravish you then by all means don't settle. Would some deem that "high maintenance?" Perhaps, but others may just think it's valuing yourself and knowing what you want. It's all subjective in how you look at dating. 

I have confidence you will find what you are looking for..just adjust your expectations and understand that there may be less guys available who fit your criteria. I know thats the case for me! 

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I panicked and said I needed to go to the restroom and then I just bolted and then texted him in my car. Felt bad because he had purchased tickets for the exhibit, but he was annoying. So it can be just as much of a protection for you...

Just out of curiosity, what did you text him from your car?   

This happened to me once too.  OLD first time round years ago before I became real discerning about who I chose to meet.  

First meet, guy wanted to take me to dinner.  Beautiful restaurant right on coast of the Pacific Ocean.  Good looking man actually, dressed well, successful.

Anyway, he proceeded to talk ad nauseam about his EX, how she cheated on him, how "f'cked in the head" she was, and to get back at her for all the shyt she caused him, he began harassing her, stalking her, out to make her life a living hell!  Pretty much his exact words. 

That was MY cue to excuse myself to restroom and slip out the door.  Wasn't far from my apt so walked home.

I did not text him, but HE called me!  From a blocked number so I answered.

Asked me what happened, where did I go?  Told me he was actually having a great time and asked me out again!

Can you believe?  I ditch him with no explanation and he's asking me out again. Lol

I posted this story on another forum when it happened, but the way this jerk was describing his sitch with his ex, him harassing and stalking her, I was actually frightened, he sounded like a freakin psychopath! 

So no I did not feel guilty or bad about skipping out, I believe I dodged a huge bullet!

So I get it shortskirts.  

Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Some people choose to skype over going to a coffee shop. I would be down for that. You are in the comfort of your own home, costs nothing, no stress having to suggest or pick a place.

*Breweries here are coming up with some kool covid ideas. One has set up heated tents (nice canvas ones) in a farmers field with benches made from packing crates, ...so hipster lol. It's booked solid til NYE already. Lots of fun ideas for official first dates that are like this. It so west coast. Don't forget to wear your plaid.

Edited November 20, 2020 by smackie9

[CollinW]

7 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Not really. I just want to find a nice man who plans a nice date not in a shopping mall. 

No you want something to validate you and validate your femininity and the easiest way to get that is through a man doing specific things through dating. If a woman was secure with herself a man could take her to Chuck E Cheese and she'd make the best out of it.