Guys that do low effort to plan a first date

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Again, this is up to the man and the woman who have agreed to meet up, not you or anybody else. It's online DATING, not Meetup.com. If he doesn't invite me out on a date, I'm not going. But men I naturally click with best always ask me out on a DATE. And then later we get to fondly recall our first date... not a boring-ass "meeting." 

Too many people lie on their profiles, especially women about their appearance. I know a lot of guys who do OLD who started out inviting women to a movie or dinner for a first date, but then changed it down to "meeting" for a coffee because they got sick of paying for dates with women who they found unattractive in person. I always preferred to just go and 'meet' someone first, before expecting any kind of romantic date because if it turns out there's no chemistry or attraction it's just rude to expect someone you barely know to pay for a date. 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's fine if you want to keep that bar low. I'm not interested in that whatsoever. 

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Too many people lie on their profiles, especially women about their appearance. I know a lot of guys who do OLD who started out inviting women to a movie or dinner for a first date, but then changed it down to "meeting" for a coffee because they got sick of paying for dates with women who they found unattractive in person. I always preferred to just go and 'meet' someone first, before expecting any kind of romantic date because if it turns out there's no chemistry or attraction it's just rude to expect someone you barely know to pay for a date. 

I remember ONE time ( and the last time) I went on something I’d categorize as more than a casual first meet with someone I hadn’t met yet from Okcupid. We had lunch and then a museum trip planned. 10 minutes in and I was like ‘oh sht  I have to eat a whole salad with this person and then go look at art?’. Everything about the guy just grated my f nerves. He had the most annoying laugh ever. I panicked and said I needed to go to the restroom and then I just bolted and then texted him in my car. Felt bad because he had purchased tickets for the exhibit, but he was annoying. So it can be just as much of a protection for you as it is them

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Or maybe do not meet a man who suggests to meet at a shopping mall food court.

Hey come on!  It's like serious retro, the food court was all the rage when I was in high school in the 80's...so much selection all in one place    Food Court and Arcade, what could be finer?

Generally these days, I would avoid crowded venues though.

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Hey come on!  It's like serious retro, the food court was all the rage when I was in high school in the 80's...so much selection all in one place    Food Court and Arcade, what could be finer?

Generally these days, I would avoid crowded venues though.

You’ve said everything now. Good for teenagers

[Allupinnit]

What ever happened to simply meeting for a drink?  It's not a four-course meal.  He doesn't need to bring me flowers.  We can split an app.  An effing FOOD COURT is a first for me, and I went on a LOT of online dates.  I wouldn't sit at the food court for ANY reason really, unless I was pressed for time and was already shopping.  Would he at least buy me Sbarro?  I don't want to eat anything at the food court, but I'm always down for a glass of wine.

 

[Miss Spider]

Food court coffee is really weird. That actually takes more effort to get to than a coffee shop. You would probably have to struggle for parking,  make your way through large crowds, and then wait in a long line with disgruntled shoppers. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

...and find an available table to sit at that doesn’t have Panda Express smeared on it 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MsJayne]

52 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I remember ONE time ( and the last time) I went on something I’d categorize as more than a casual first meet with someone I hadn’t met yet from Okcupid. We had lunch and then a museum trip planned. 10 minutes in and I was like ‘oh sht  I have to eat a whole salad with this person and then go look at art?’. Everything about the guy just grated my f nerves. He had the most annoying laugh ever. I panicked and said I needed to go to the restroom and then I just bolted and then texted him in my car. Felt bad because he had purchased tickets for the exhibit, but he was annoying. So it can be just as much of a protection for you as it is them

Exactly the scenario I'm talking about, and I don't call meeting up for a drink or a coffee a 'date' as such, it's just a casual catch up. I learned early on with OLD to stick to a brief catch up so that both people can decide whether they want to go on a real date. Nothing like seeing and chatting to Mr Smokin' Hot on a date site and then finding you've agreed to dinner and a movie with Mr Twenty Years Older Than His Photo.

[peach302]

4 hours ago, Woggle said:

True but character does not mean much anymore. I am all for having character but any man who thinks having good character will benefit in the dating world is getting chewed up and spit out.

Wrong.. character goes a long way. 

[Woggle]

4 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Wrong.. character goes a long way. 

I guess so but it has to be also paired with some street smarts and caution because in today's world people with pure character get chewed up, spit  out and taken advantage of. 

[d0nnivain]

I didn't read all 4 pages of this but IMO a 1st meet is different then a 1st date.  

A 1st meet off OLD is supposed to be quick, cheap & SAFE.  That doesn't always add up to romantic which is often dark, quiet & unsafe.   Yeah it'd be nice if somebody had that "go to" perfect spot, casual but more fun then a well lit sterile chain but then that could raise concerns about him being a player.  

I'm a woman but frankly @ladybug2021 your whole attitude comes across as entitled & old fashioned.  (maybe it's just how I read the post because I'm tired & you don't give off that vibe in person) Still my advice is stop making the guys do everything.  You come up with that perfect place you like.  On a 1st meet I wanted that control to pick the place so it was some place I was known & a place where somebody was going to have my back if things got weird.   I felt safer that way.  Meet these guys.  If the other person is worth spending more then the 30 minutes you allotted for this meet, then you get the romance.   If nothing else, you are out of your routine & you might bump into somebody better while you are out & about.  (Obviously you can't dump the date you're on for somebody else but you can subtly keep your eyes open)

If you come at dating from a place of flexibility & happiness like it's fun to meet new people instead of this drag obligation where you are going to be disappointed no matter what, a change in attitude may garner you more favorable results.  Now, you come across as wayyyy too high maintenance up front & that may turn a guy off.  Believe me I am high maintenance but you don't want to lead with that.  Note I am not suggesting you lower your standards in terms of the qualities you want in a partner but judging an OLD match by the failure to pick the perfect place seems like you are going to end up rejecting every man who tries to get to know you.  

If you hate OLD, stop doing it. I only lasted 90 days because I found it so dreadful.  

Although I met him IRL,   my now husband picked a terrible cheezy place for our 1st date.  I was appalled.  Part of me wanted to say no or change it.  But I remembered that I was trying to turn over a new leaf, to be less bossy / alpha,  just be softer in my approach to a new man so I sucked it up & went on the date to the place I didn't really care for.   I then asked him on a 2nd date, chose the place & I treated him.  We went to an upscale bistro with white table clothes, heavy silverware & an intimating wine list, my favorite type of place.  When I did that I had no idea there was a substantial income differential between us, with me being the higher earner.   As we progressed in our relationship DH told me that had I changed the restaurant or complained about it, we would not have had a 2nd date.  He liked my tactic of showing him my style by offering to treat him & he stepped up his game after that.  But I would have lost a great guy if I had gone with my initial instinct. 

So my advice is take a chance on the place he picked or at least be willing to suggest a place for the 1st meet.  It's 2020 -- if you want equality behave like an equal from the outset & don't remain hung up on antiquated gender roles.   I am advocating a softer, kinder, more forgiving flexible approach not an abdication of the screening process.  

Edited November 20, 2020 by d0nnivain

[peach302]

2 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I guess so but it has to be also paired with some street smarts and caution because in today's world people with pure character get chewed up, spit  out and taken advantage of. 

I mean its all individual  differences and tastes isn't  it. Theres someone out there for everyone.

OLD has a tiny % of men with real good character anyway . No offence..its just what I've  experienced. 

 

[Shining One]

This reminds me of several of the women I dated and the difficulties of choosing a place to eat. They knew exactly what they wanted, but they didn't want to choose. Thus, I had to go through a list of places with them vetoing each choice until we got to one they wanted. Infuriating, to say the least.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Shining One said:

This reminds me of several of the women I dated and the difficulties of choosing a place to eat. They knew exactly what they wanted, but they didn't want to choose. Thus, I had to go through a list of places with them vetoing each choice until we got to one they wanted. Infuriating, to say the least.

I never understood that coy game.  How is some new person you're just getting to know supposed to guess your restaurant preferences.  If you are that picky (& I am) just speak up.  I had a short list of a few middle of the road places that were not chains but were relatively inexpensive but good that I would offer if a new man asked me my preference.   If I really didn't want to pick I would at least offer parameters:  "I hate chains & I'm not really a seafood or sushi person but other than that I'm good."  

You gotta work with people.  Give & take in the beginning is to be expected.  Otherwise it becomes some sort of s***-test where you unfairly expect somebody who you barely know to read your mind.  That is just not fair.  

[ladybug2021]

6 hours ago, Woggle said:

I guess so but it has to be also paired with some street smarts and caution because in today's world people with pure character get chewed up, spit  out and taken advantage of. 

No, that happens to people with good character AND NAIVE.

Having a good character doesn’t mean stupid.

[ladybug2021]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Exactly the scenario I'm talking about, and I don't call meeting up for a drink or a coffee a 'date' as such, it's just a casual catch up. I learned early on with OLD to stick to a brief catch up so that both people can decide whether they want to go on a real date. Nothing like seeing and chatting to Mr Smokin' Hot on a date site and then finding you've agreed to dinner and a movie with Mr Twenty Years Older Than His Photo.

In that case, just be honest. Say ‘you look much older and I don’t feel comfortable continuing to meet you’. Or if you are not up to being direct just say an excuse and leave. Simple.

You have no obligation to stay on the date if you don’t feel like it, being a coffee ‘meeting’ or dinner at The Ritz.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Miss Spider]

I guess I just have too much of a conscience not to feel any sort of way when someone goes out of their way to plan, think up a thoughtful date, and drop $89 for an exhibit for me and just wants to have lunch with me. I felt really bad for doing that, but you’re right, if it’s not there it’s not there. It’s bad enough to have to reject someone period.  This would’ve been much easier to do had we just had coffee by the beach. I would’ve stayed for a half hour or so, then after  I left I would’ve texted “sorry we’re not a match“ . Instead, I had to lie and sneak out of the back because I knew once I had committed to ordering food I was committing to another hour+ and then the exhibit afterwards... stuff they had already committed to 
 

I think it is also kind of foolish of the person to to do this because you have no idea if the person that you are bringing along wants to really be there with you after you meet either.... 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ladybug2021]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I didn't read all 4 pages of this but IMO a 1st meet is different then a 1st date.  

A 1st meet off OLD is supposed to be quick, cheap & SAFE.  That doesn't always add up to romantic which is often dark, quiet & unsafe.   Yeah it'd be nice if somebody had that "go to" perfect spot, casual but more fun then a well lit sterile chain but then that could raise concerns about him being a player.  

I'm a woman but frankly @ladybug2021 your whole attitude comes across as entitled & old fashioned.  (maybe it's just how I read the post because I'm tired & you don't give off that vibe in person) Still my advice is stop making the guys do everything.  You come up with that perfect place you like.  On a 1st meet I wanted that control to pick the place so it was some place I was known & a place where somebody was going to have my back if things got weird.   I felt safer that way.  Meet these guys.  If the other person is worth spending more then the 30 minutes you allotted for this meet, then you get the romance.   If nothing else, you are out of your routine & you might bump into somebody better while you are out & about.  (Obviously you can't dump the date you're on for somebody else but you can subtly keep your eyes open)

If you come at dating from a place of flexibility & happiness like it's fun to meet new people instead of this drag obligation where you are going to be disappointed no matter what, a change in attitude may garner you more favorable results.  Now, you come across as wayyyy too high maintenance up front & that may turn a guy off.  Believe me I am high maintenance but you don't want to lead with that.  Note I am not suggesting you lower your standards in terms of the qualities you want in a partner but judging an OLD match by the failure to pick the perfect place seems like you are going to end up rejecting every man who tries to get to know you.  

If you hate OLD, stop doing it. I only lasted 90 days because I found it so dreadful.  

Although I met him IRL,   my now husband picked a terrible cheezy place for our 1st date.  I was appalled.  Part of me wanted to say no or change it.  But I remembered that I was trying to turn over a new leaf, to be less bossy / alpha,  just be softer in my approach to a new man so I sucked it up & went on the date to the place I didn't really care for.   I then asked him on a 2nd date, chose the place & I treated him.  We went to an upscale bistro with white table clothes, heavy silverware & an intimating wine list, my favorite type of place.  When I did that I had no idea there was a substantial income differential between us, with me being the higher earner.   As we progressed in our relationship DH told me that had I changed the restaurant or complained about it, we would not have had a 2nd date.  He liked my tactic of showing him my style by offering to treat him & he stepped up his game after that.  But I would have lost a great guy if I had gone with my initial instinct. 

So my advice is take a chance on the place he picked or at least be willing to suggest a place for the 1st meet.  It's 2020 -- if you want equality behave like an equal from the outset & don't remain hung up on antiquated gender roles.   I am advocating a softer, kinder, more forgiving flexible approach not an abdication of the screening process.  

No I am not high maintenance, this is exactly about what you mentioned: being less bossy and let the man choose and plan. It is exactly that.

A man who asks me where do I want to go without giving ANY suggestion is basically telling me to be the man. That’s how I see it.

And of course his choice of place matters. I mentioned the suggestion of the shopping mall food court because it is ridiculous. But if the guy suggests a place he likes and is nice (although maybe I wouldn’t choose it myself), I still go. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[ladybug2021]

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I guess I just have too much of a conscience not to feel any sort of way when someone goes out of their way to plan, think up a thoughtful date, and drop $89 for an exhibit for me and just wants to have lunch with me. I felt really bad for doing that, but you’re right, if it’s not there it’s not there. It’s bad enough to have to reject someone period.  This would’ve been much easier to do had we just had coffee by the beach. I would’ve stayed for a half hour or so, then after  I left I would’ve texted “sorry we’re not a match“ . Instead, I had to lie and sneak out of the back because I knew once I had committed to ordering food I was committing to another hour+ and then the exhibit afterwards... stuff they had already committed to 
 

I think it is also kind of foolish of the person to to do this because you have no idea if the person that you are bringing along wants to really be there with you after you meet either.... 

 

Well I think what he did was a bit too much agree. Dinner would have been enough, no need to buy tickets to an exhibit afterwards without knowing you first. I know some guys do that because they want to attend some event or do something and want company.

But did you know about the exhibit before? Why didn’t you tell him sorry just dinner please for a first date?

And after the date if it goes well you can go to the exhibit or plan to go another day if the tickets are sold out.

I think all of this is just a problem with people being honest and communication.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Miss Spider]

yeah it sucked. It when I first started online dating and it was a really rare exhibition that came through and the tickets were limited. So he picked them up ahead. I didn’t actually know that he spent that much until later.. I liked him online and we had been talking for a couple weeks so I thought it would be ok. It wasn’t

And lunch would’ve been bad enough. Though yes, I could have sucked it up and sat through it. And if I ever were in that situation again, that is probably what I would do. But why put myself in that situation ? In the case of no spark, I don’t want to be sat at lunch with a random stranger for no reason. Quick, casual first meets do not have to be boring or uninventive. Also, what usually happened in the case of first quick meet is that we hit it off we always go somewhere after. And that is often dinner.

 

Lunch/dinner is actually the least creative type of date. “So do you eat” I mean I suppose if I wanted to check out a new restaurant... but I’d rather do that with friends I know I like. When it’s really hard to politely ask for the check and take off in the middle of dinner. Another reason I hate them: no one looks attractive eating

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ladybug2021]

27 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

yeah it sucked. It when I first started online dating and it was a really rare exhibition that came through and the tickets were limited. So he picked them up ahead. I didn’t actually know that he spent that much until later.. I liked him online and we had been talking for a couple weeks so I thought it would be ok. It wasn’t

And lunch would’ve been bad enough. Though yes, I could have sucked it up and sat through it. And if I ever were in that situation again, that is probably what I would do. But why put myself in that situation ? In the case of no spark, I don’t want to be sat at lunch with a random stranger for no reason. Quick, casual first meets do not have to be boring or uninventive. Also, what usually happened in the case of first quick meet is that we hit it off we always go somewhere after. And that is often dinner.

 

Lunch/dinner is actually the least creative type of date. “So do you eat” I mean I suppose if I wanted to check out a new restaurant... but I’d rather do that with friends I know I like. When it’s really hard to politely ask for the check and take off in the middle of dinner. Another reason I hate them: no one looks attractive eating

That is why I said before are coffee and dinner the only options? No.

One of the best dates I’ve had was a walk along the beach. We did go for coffee afterwards but because we both wanted and felt right, not because we have to sit at a table judging each other.

I don’t like quick first coffee ‘meetings’ because it feels artificial, with lots of pressure, weird. Job interview style. Hate that.

I can’t even be myself like that because I am not relaxed. 

A walk at the beach (or even coffee sitting on the beach sand), etc, is much better for me because it is more relaxed.

And yes I would not sit for hours on a date I am not enjoying. I would just be honest and leave.

[CollinW]

10 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I mentioned on my first post about going to a cozy nice place near the seaside for a first coffee date. Is that getting out of their way?

I’m not talking a private jet to Paris to have dinner at The Ritz. 

I was talking a man choosing a nice cozy place to meet for the first time. That is not ‘going out of their way’ or desperate. It’s just being a gentleman and a nice man.

I see a lot of focus on what you want, what you demand, what he should be doing and your sexist ideology. I don't see any emphasis on what he wants or what his goals are. 

Believe it or not, men are human beings who have their own goals and standards. We weren't put on this earth to serve you. You haven't humanized him once in this thread, he's essentially a blank vessel of a date. 

I'm not sure why women like you think men who are essentially strangers owe you anything. He probably wants a woman who is less entitled, and you want a man who act like he owes you something. Neither of you found that in each other, yet he isn't the one online complaining.

[CollinW]

7 hours ago, Shining One said:

This reminds me of several of the women I dated and the difficulties of choosing a place to eat. They knew exactly what they wanted, but they didn't want to choose. Thus, I had to go through a list of places with them vetoing each choice until we got to one they wanted. Infuriating, to say the least.

I remember asking a woman for input for a date and she responded in a way where you could tell she wanted the same type of experience like the OP. She didn't even want to know what it was prior. I chose a romantic Argentinan steakhouse and low and behold the woman was a vegan. 

Some women really don't realize how immature their rhetoric is. Many don't really want a partner, they just want entertainment and attention at the expense of someone else. 

[ladybug2021]

5 minutes ago, CollinW said:

I see a lot of focus on what you want, what you demand, what he should be doing and your sexist ideology. I don't see any emphasis on what he wants or what his goals are. 

Believe it or not, men are human beings who have their own goals and standards. We weren't put on this earth to serve you. You haven't humanized him once in this thread, he's essentially a blank vessel of a date. 

I'm not sure why women like you think men who are essentially strangers owe you anything. He probably wants a woman who is less entitled, and you want a man who act like he owes you something. Neither of you found that in each other, yet he isn't the one online complaining.

Not really. I just want to find a nice man who plans a nice date not in a shopping mall.