Guys that do low effort to plan a first date

[ladybug2021]

One ‘trend’ I have been watching on OLD (one day I’m writing a book about OLD lol), is guys making little effort to plan a first date.

Many don’t even bother to suggest a place, they just ask where do I wanna go.

Last guy I was talking to online (yesterday), lives 10 minutes drive from me. Asked me to meet for a coffee and then asked me to say the place. 

I told him for him to suggest (as last 10 first dates I had with guys it was always me suggesting), and he said for us to meet in a busy shopping mall in the dining area at a busy time, next to his place.

I told him that must be the less romantic place I have ever been. Perfect for business meetings but terrible for dating.

He laughed it off and then again asked me where do I wanna go, and I said to him well you are the man you decide and plan. He said ok but didn’t suggest anything else.

I mean, I’m not obviously expecting a romantic fancy candle lit dinner for first date, but this place he chose and close to his house just screams LOW EFFORT.

We live close to the beach, there are so many cozy romantic places we could go! Why would a guy want to meet at a busy shopping mall?

What on earth is he expecting to happen? I can’t even feel if there’s chemistry between us being surrounded by children screaming and people carrying food plates around us!?

Even if the guy doesn’t want anything serious and just want sex or some casual stuff, that is still not the place to meet.

Really, is it that difficult to know a romantic cozy place to take a woman and suggest it??

Sometimes I think if I was a man, that’s what I would do!

Edited November 19, 2020 by ladybug2021

[ShyViolet]

Where did you get this idea from that "the man is supposed to choose the place?"  If you think he's putting in little effort, I suppose he could say the same about you, if you are not wanting to choose the place and expecting the other person to make the decision.  I think both people should take turns choosing the locations for dates.  If you have an idea of where you'd like to go then just suggest it.

[ladybug2021]

9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Where did you get this idea from that "the man is supposed to choose the place?"  If you think he's putting in little effort, I suppose he could say the same about you, if you are not wanting to choose the place and expecting the other person to make the decision.  I think both people should take turns choosing the locations for dates.  If you have an idea of where you'd like to go then just suggest it.

Because usually the man plans the date. Masculine energy versus feminine energy and polarity. Simple. 

I am sick and tired of having to be the man and deciding the place.

Also, I am a full time mom, I work, have millions of things to decide every day.

Most of these guys either have no kids or have them only on weekends and stuff. So they can do the effort.

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by ladybug2021

[SumGuy]

5 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

....

Really, is it that difficult to know a romantic cozy place to take a woman and suggest it??

Sometimes I think if I was a man, that’s what I would do!

I believe it is not but obviously for some it is. 

The internet makes it even easier, can search out places never been to, see pics, get reviews, do a street level view.  So much information to make planning easier.  It was much harder before the internet. 

My general view is person doing the asking suggests a place, but don't know if it is because I am a man, or just proactive, I'm never at a loss for place or suggestion.

Perhaps they are not after romantic, perhaps the more job interview approach is what they are after....to see if you are a good candidate for the "job" before meeting you for real.

I have been on the receiving end I believe of such dates, make the most of it but it's a pass for me if feel I am being interviewed versus mutual engagement.

 

I agree with you, that given how easy it is this signals low interest in you as a person, or a scary deficit in executive function.

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Because usually the man plans the date.

 

Guy here... Yes, I always did all of the date planning (especially the first date).  I always tried to plan something fun, that wasn't too loud (so we could talk & get to know one another).

Date planning isn't that hard (in the beginning) but as you get to know someone you strive to find venues and activities that appeal to the woman.  For me, I consider it my responsibility to date plan and pay for the date (but we won't go down that rabbit hole, today).

I only dated one woman that actually made suggestions for dates, every other woman let me plan everything.  I got used to checking the "things to do" section of my local rag (free newspaper) and utilizing that for weekend plans/activities/date ideas. 

 

[boymommy]

I think a guy not suggesting a place is different then not putting in effort. What you are talking about is modern men vs more of an old fashioned man. 

Modern man: Asks the girl out to dinner then asks her where she wants to go so she has an input and say in choosing the restaurant. They make the choice together. He may or may not pay for the date depending on his views on this. 

Old fashioned man: Ask the girl out to dinner then chooses the restaurant and tells said girl his plans for the date and where he is going to take her. He opens car doors, opens door to restaurant, picks up check. Girl does nothing except show up (or usually get picked up at her door)

Man making little effort: Suggests that maybe he would be interested in taking a girl out to dinner but plans never actually happen. He beats around the bush or makes excuses or says he is busy due to work. Maybe he is chatting up other girls at the same time. It's like his actions don't match his words. 

Sooo..sounds like you like more old fashioned men. I do as well. Target them in OLD. Put it in your profile that you are old fashioned and that you are looking for a more old fashioned man to date. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by boymommy

[Ruby Slippers]

If he can't even get that right, I wouldn't bother. I live in the 'burbs and my last bf lives in the city. He offered to come to my neighborhood and asked if I minded picking the restaurant, since he doesn't know the good places in my area. I was fine with that. But if his invite leaves you feeling "meh," best to just move on. People put their best foot forward in the beginning. If that's his best, don't bother.

[Wiseman2]

Actually as both a convenience and a safety measure,  you Should be picking the venue for the first meet. The first meet is Not a date. Dates and planning  dates is for BFs not first meet coffee introductions.

Try not to hem and haw by saying "you pick the place", then complain it's not romantic, it's this, that or the other. Just pick a place close and familiar to you. A gentleman will let you pick the place and come to you, for your comfort and safety.

Only a jerk would let you drive to some unknown area and go to a place you  may or may not feel comfortable meeting. With respect, your dating picker may be a bit off.

Edited November 19, 2020 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

Well I imagine it isn't very easy to plan on an exciting place to go with all of these lockdowns and closed places.  People are going to have to lighten up or stop dating.

[kismetkismet]

With OLD I think it's better to think of the first date as a meet-up/introduction than as a formal date. You haven't even met the person yet, so I think it's understandable that convenience comes into play. Otherwise OLD dating would get way too overwhelming to really work. I also don't think it's that bad for him to ask what you want because then you can choose somewhere that you feel comfortable and safe (and that is convenient for you).

If you click on the first date and he's still not putting any effort into planning THEN I would pull back. That said, a food court is not it haha. If you're still interested I'd suggest somewhere else nearby. 

[ladybug2021]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Actually as both a convenience and a safety measure,  you Should be picking the venue for the first meet. The first meet is Not a date. Dates and planning  dates is for BFs not first meet coffee introductions.

I disagree. How a man behaves on the first date/meet is what it tells me if I want to see him again. 

No woman wants to feel like she is  ‘just another coffee’  and low effort. 

As I said I do not expect a candle lit dinner on a romantic restaurant on a first date, but I do not expect to go to a food court on a shopping mall either or having to come with suggestions. 

I have to see some effort on a first meet.

[introverted1]

OP, is this a first date or a first meeting?  Big difference, imo. 

 

[ladybug2021]

35 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I think a guy not suggesting a place is different then not putting in effort. What you are talking about is modern men vs more of an old fashioned man. 

Modern man: Asks the girl out to dinner then asks her where she wants to go so she has an input and say in choosing the restaurant. They make the choice together. He may or may not pay for the date depending on his views on this. 

Old fashioned man: Ask the girl out to dinner then chooses the restaurant and tells said girl his plans for the date and where he is going to take her. He opens car doors, opens door to restaurant, picks up check. Girl does nothing except show up (or usually get picked up at her door)

Man making little effort: Suggests that maybe he would be interested in taking a girl out to dinner but plans never actually happen. He beats around the bush or makes excuses or says he is busy due to work. Maybe he is chatting up other girls at the same time. It's like his actions don't match his words. 

Sooo..sounds like you like more old fashioned men. I do as well. Target them in OLD. Put it in your profile that you are old fashioned and that you are looking for a more old fashioned man to date. 

Yes I do like old fashioned men but he doesn’t need to open doors and do all the stuff. 

I just love the balance between masculine and feminine energy and love a masculine man who takes the lead. It’s a huge turn on for me!

Also, I am a lot on my masculine energy during the day with work and taking care of my son and taking decisions and doing stuff. So it’s nice to be with a masculine man who does that naturally and I can just relax on my feminine  energy for a change.

Edited November 19, 2020 by ladybug2021

[clia]

You wanted him to pick the place, he picked it, and then you shot down his choice.  You can't have it both ways.  It sounds like you had some ideas in mind, so you should've just suggested one of them when he asked.  

 

 

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, is this a first date or a first meeting?  Big difference, imo. 

 

Who cares about the name? It’s two people meeting for the first time! Do you want to one day look back at the beginning of your relationship with someone and think ‘oh the first time we met, so romantic, in that shopping mall food court!’ Please!!!

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, clia said:

You wanted him to pick the place, he picked it, and then you shot down his choice.  You can't have it both ways.  It sounds like you had some ideas in mind, so you should've just suggested one of them when he asked.  

 

 

Or maybe do not meet a man who suggests to meet at a shopping mall food court.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's up to the two people meeting whether it's a boring-ass "meet" or a fun "date." I date men who want to take me on a fun date from the get-go. And they almost always tell me it's such a refreshing change not to be grilled interview style. I guess that's what happens in a "meet(ing)" 

[introverted1]

10 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Who cares about the name? It’s two people meeting for the first time! Do you want to one day look back at the beginning of your relationship with someone and think ‘oh the first time we met, so romantic, in that shopping mall food court!’ Please!!!

It's not about a name, but what the event is.  A first meet is not a date; it's a meeting to see if you want to have a date.

If you don't like what he suggested, then suggest something else.

[peach302]

1 hour ago, ladybug2021 said:

One ‘trend’ I have been watching on OLD (one day I’m writing a book about OLD lol), is guys making little effort to plan a first date.

Many don’t even bother to suggest a place, they just ask where do I wanna go.

Last guy I was talking to online (yesterday), lives 10 minutes drive from me. Asked me to meet for a coffee and then asked me to say the place. 

I told him for him to suggest (as last 10 first dates I had with guys it was always me suggesting), and he said for us to meet in a busy shopping mall in the dining area at a busy time, next to his place.

I told him that must be the less romantic place I have ever been. Perfect for business meetings but terrible for dating.

He laughed it off and then again asked me where do I wanna go, and I said to him well you are the man you decide and plan. He said ok but didn’t suggest anything else.

I mean, I’m not obviously expecting a romantic fancy candle lit dinner for first date, but this place he chose and close to his house just screams LOW EFFORT.

We live close to the beach, there are so many cozy romantic places we could go! Why would a guy want to meet at a busy shopping mall?

What on earth is he expecting to happen? I can’t even feel if there’s chemistry between us being surrounded by children screaming and people carrying food plates around us!?

Even if the guy doesn’t want anything serious and just want sex or some casual stuff, that is still not the place to meet.

Really, is it that difficult to know a romantic cozy place to take a woman and suggest it??

Sometimes I think if I was a man, that’s what I would do!

At this point he doesn't know if he will like you in person or not..and if there will be an attraction.

Therefore the suggestion of somewhere not being romantic enough shouldnt factor here as essentially hes  a stranger.

But if you get on and it progresses then you can begin to talk about romance or lack thereof.

I don't think of all the people I've met from OLD i cared that much if we met somewhere specific to couples..as they were just a random person at that point. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by peach302

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

It's not about a name, but what the event is.  A first meet is not a date; it's a meeting to see if you want to have a date.

If you don't like what he suggested, then suggest something else.

I don’t do ‘meetings’. I do dates. Meetings I have at work.

[peach302]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Sure, so let's just meet on the corner and drink a glass of water 

Ok but i think his first suggestion was fine..at the mall a public place..a little busy!. 

[Happy Lemming]

26 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I have to see some effort on a first meet.

You have to attempt to show her that she is special, so planning a nice or unique first date is step 1 in that process.

[ladybug2021]

3 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Ok but i think his first suggestion was fine..at the mall a public place..a little busy!. 

Yes full of kids screaming and people walking around with food plates.

[smackie9]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

It's not about a name, but what the event is.  A first meet is not a date; it's a meeting to see if you want to have a date.

If you don't like what he suggested, then suggest something else.

I'm with this^^^. My husband suggested a steakhouse, I said no lets do sushi I know an excellent place. He never had sushi before.... the brave soul went along with it lol.

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Or maybe do not meet a man who suggests to meet at a shopping mall food court.

Or maybe he should not meet a woman who insists he chooses then criticises his choice.