Seeing a girl that is already in a relationship

[maestro1617]

Hello there, I am new here and it is going to be a long post, so bear with me, also english is not my native language so sorry for any grammar mistakes. So here is my situation, I am 25 years old guy, I am about to finish my masters degree, I am decently good looking, 6 foot 2, athletic guy. My father owns a pretty luxurious cosmetic spa/salon right in the middle of the city and I help out there as a part time job you could say. Well, 2 months ago, a new girl started working there doing manicure and nail stuff, we started talking immediately, she is 22, good looking, I would say 6.5/10 but I really like her, probably cuz it is really easy for me to talk to her. But then I found out that she has a boyfriend and they have been togehter for a long time, several years. Well we continued flirting anyway, once I knew she was already with someone else, I knew I couldnt get myself emotionally invested, at least I tried. We ended up kissing, cuddling and a bit more basically everyday, we did not have sex tho, she even cooked for me/baked for me, everything was great and then I knew I had to have a serious conversation with her. Problem is that she does not want to talk about it, I ended up talking basically only myself, she listened but did not tell me anything, she told me that it is complicated for her and that she needs time to think about it. That was 3 weeks ago, due to covid she left the city and went to her mother, she went by herself, her boyfriend stayed at their home, she told me that she would at least have time to think about everything. The first week she was away, we texted nonstop, we called each other for hours before we went to sleep, she sent me like 50 pictures of her, when she was younger etc. she also wanted to see mine, she was very invested I thought but then something happened, she continued to text me but I could tell that something was different, she did not call me either, that would be pretty easy to understand, she made up her mind and did not want to continue, right? But the day before the conversation between us changed, she had a minor surgery, getting her moles on her back removed, she had stitches all over her back, she sent me a photo and told me that she is really exhausted. We ended up texting occasionally every few days. And now here we are, I saw her yesterday for the first time after more then 3 weeks, I was ready to have a talk, I thought she would at least give me an explanation and probably just end whatever was happening between us, it was very brief, she was just leaving, but we had like a minute conversation and it was like I was talking to someone else, she did not smile, she was not even able to look me in the eyes and then she just left. I could not help myself but to text her couple hours later, I wanted her to explain me what was going on, I asked what the hell happened that everything has changed suddenly somehow and she answered that she just needs more time and that nothing happened. Question is, what should I do now? I will see her at the job on friday. Should I just leave her alone and be casual about it, should I be straight with her and tell her that she needs to talk to me finally. I am kind of over her at this point I guess, but the not knowing what happened is driving me crazy, I can manage a "breakup" but this situation is so weird and I have no clue what is going on. Any tips? I have no previous experience with dating someone that is already taken and I will for sure avoid this in the future. Thanks for any comments!

[d0nnivain]

She used you to cheat on her BF.  As fun as that may have been for her, she knows it's wrong.  It's bothering her & she's trying to figure out what to do.  She's backing off with you because she has so much invested in him. Leave her be. 

She's not going to talk to you about this.  She has no words. 

Even if she did break up with him & chose to be with you, what have you gained?  All you get a woman you know has no morals or ethics.  She's a cheater.  If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.  

It was fun while it lasted but don't invest more time in this person who will end up breaking your heart when she gets bored of you & cheats on you with somebody else. 

At most she likes the attention but has no real intent of dumping him for you or anybody else.  

[maestro1617]

Thanks for that, that basically sums up how I mentally processed this situation as well, I know I would not be able to ever trust her anyway. Thank you 

[gamon]

Never mix business with pleasure. In other words, don't date a co-worker because when it goes bad, and it usually does, it gets very awkward.

Don't get involved with someone who is involved with someone else.

Those are the two most basic cardinal rules and you broke both of them.

 

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. When there's a fork in the road and one sign says delays, ice, danger,etc and the other is the onramp to an enjoyable scenic drive, you now know which turn to take.

Do you think she just went along with it because you're her boss's son? Probably best not to fish in that pond again.

[maestro1617]

That thought obviously crossed my mind but at the time I thought she was genuinely interested. Yeah, way too complicated situation, I have learnt my lesson though. I am done, not going to to initiate contact anymore.

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, maestro1617 said:

But the day before the conversation between us changed, she had a minor surgery, getting her moles on her back removed, she had stitches all over her back,

14 hours ago, maestro1617 said:

we had like a minute conversation and it was like I was talking to someone else, she did not smile, she was not even able to look me in the eyes and then she just left.

My guess something happened health wise.
Either these moles are malignant or she was worried that they were malignant...
Sometimes life is not just about  romantic relationships.
Leave her alone. 
Maybe the surgery put her life into some sort of perspective.
If these moles are malignant then she is going to need help and a long term bf is just what she needs, not some opportunist...

 

[maestro1617]

A quick update, I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, the last text conversation was the day I last saw her, telling me she needs more time. I saw her today at the job for a few hours, due to covid, the place is still closed so we were doing some preparations for the opening, once I saw her, I knew she was not doing well, her eyes were teary the entire time, when she had spare time, she spent it crying. All I did was tell her hi, that was it, after all the staff members left, we were alone. I wasn't quite sure what to do, she was sitting on the couch, clearly in terrible mood. I decided to leave her alone, told her I am leaving and I just left. Seeing her again tomorrow at the job. Should I try talking to her, nothing serious about us, just asking her how she has been or something? 

[Fletch Lives]

Don't ever mess with a woman who's heart is already taken. It's a hard lesson to learn.

[JRabbit]

On 11/30/2020 at 10:02 AM, maestro1617 said:

Should I try talking to her, nothing serious about us, just asking her how she has been or something? 

Nope, stay away.

[smackie9]

She's obviously still sorting herself out. Stay away for now. Where she is at emotionally, is really difficult.

[maestro1617]

We talked a bit, she told me what was going on, she is having family problems, something with her dad, we did talk about this before, her whole family relationships are messed up, funny thing, her mom cheated on her dad, guess she has cheating in genes. She told me she is emotionally drained, she also started drinking apparently, I felt bad for her, I gave her a few days. On wednesday, the last day I knew we would have time for each other, I told her I don't want to do this anymore, maybe it's me being selfish but if she wanted to be with me, she had 3 months to decide so, yeah. I won't see her for a few weeks due to christmas and my final exams coming up. Very interesting was the day after I told her I can't keep going like this, she spent the entire day flirting and trying to get my attention, she would find any excuse to playfully touch me, I was not that mentally strong tbh so I flirted back, I guess she really has no idea what she wants, the moment she felt like I was backing off, she switched from being cold. At this point I just hope she sorts her stuff until january because I can't be bothered with this rollercoaster anymore. Her behavior just makes me sick to be honest.

[smackie9]

It's all about getting attention. It lets her escape just like the drinking. She's got issues and lacks coping skills. This is no woman you should ever consider being with.