Ever not get back with EX due to other people's disapproval?

[Kindle500]

HI

 

Just to make a long long story short... I dated someone intensely  for a couple of months.... things were good the first month, then without getting into too many details I ended it due to abnormal jealously which lead to conflict and me just getting scared.  But I always felt conflicted with my decision.

 

Fast forward 5 months...I work with this person, but in different branches.  We interact sometimes, and during those moments I see why I fell for her ion the first place.  And sometimes we chat and I start to think "why not again?"

 

But one colleague, along with a close family member, know what transpired during the relationship and they told me that it's my life..... but that I should MOVE ON FROM HER.  There are times i even feel guilty talking with her because I know that these 2 women friends would disapprove.  

 

During these tough times where dating can be a challenge, I wonder "what if we dated again, but slowly... she wasn't all that bad."

 

In regards to the woman I dated, I feel like a wounded cat.  I want to come up and play again but I'm kind of emotionally scared.  And then you throw in my guilt from disapproval from these people and I just start to feel depressed.

 

Thanks!

 

[introverted1]

Who was jealous of whom, OP?  And why do you think the jealousy was "abnormal"?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

In regards to the woman I dated, I feel like a wounded cat.  I want to come up and play again but I'm kind of emotionally scared. 

This is the voice you need to hear most, not office gossip.

[Calmandfocused]

Never live your life in order to satisfy the expectations of others. Make decisions based on what you want and what makes you happy is my advice. 
 

Saying that, it is easy to look back on ex relationship  with rose tinted spectacles. It’s also easy to “forget” the real reasons you broke up, especially if you still have feelings for that person. 
 

I sense that these 2 women in your life have strong concerns and for good reason. What concerns do they have? If you do not disclose those reasons here it would be helpful for you to reflect on these reasons as it may help you reach the right decision for you. 
 

I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound contradictory. 
 

Good luck in making the right decision for you. 

[Miss Spider]

I wouldn’t care what others thought. But I think that you know deep down that she is not good for you. You know there is  a good reason why people think you should leave her alone.  I think that’s really why it bothers you

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Fletch Lives]

35 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

During these tough times where dating can be a challenge, I wonder "what if we dated again, but slowly... she wasn't all that bad."

 - this happens a lot...people sometimes have tunnel vision and think only of the good times but not the bad........it's called ghostly lover syndrome...........if you try to go back, you'll probably see the bad again. Plus, once she falls out of love with you, the love rarely comes back.

I'd make her a friend and date others. You can only have one lover but you can't have too many friends.

Edited November 18, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[GeorgiaPeach1]

40 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

HI

 

Just to make a long long story short... I dated someone intensely  for a couple of months.... things were good the first month, then without getting into too many details I ended it due to abnormal jealously which lead to conflict and me just getting scared.  But I always felt conflicted with my decision.

 

Fast forward 5 months...I work with this person, but in different branches.  We interact sometimes, and during those moments I see why I fell for her ion the first place.  And sometimes we chat and I start to think "why not again?"

 

But one colleague, along with a close family member, know what transpired during the relationship and they told me that it's my life..... but that I should MOVE ON FROM HER.  There are times i even feel guilty talking with her because I know that these 2 women friends would disapprove.  

 

During these tough times where dating can be a challenge, I wonder "what if we dated again, but slowly... she wasn't all that bad."

 

In regards to the woman I dated, I feel like a wounded cat.  I want to come up and play again but I'm kind of emotionally scared.  And then you throw in my guilt from disapproval from these people and I just start to feel depressed.

 

Thanks!

 

How do these people know "what transpired" during the relationship?

[smackie9]

IMO it fell apart very quickly for a reason....why go back to that?

[Kindle500]

Thanks all.

 

She got jealous of me for "flirting" with my Boss on a one on one Zoom conference call.  I was NOT flirting with anyone.  It was a strong accusations that lingered, and to be so accused of something that you know you did not do, really hurt.  I could not get through to her to express that I was not flirting with anyone.

 

I soon realized that she had trust issues because out of the blue accusations followed. Mind you we were on lockdown... what could I be doing?  She would ask me random questions throughout the relationship... as if she was prodding me to see if I was lying.  An example, after 3 weeks of dating and hours of conversation she asked me if I had kids.  Came out of nowhere.  I calmly said no.  Wouldn't I tell her if I did?  I just think she came from a dating background where people deceived her.  Now I was getting the savings.

 

Other questions:

"Can I trust you?"

"Do you have any secrets?"

"Do you go around work hyper sexualized?  Looking for women?"

I'm all for getting to know each other, but these questions seemed random and not asked in a proper context.  It was like I was being put on the spot and had to have the right answer.  Just a feeling I got.

 

The post breakup was not pretty on her part, she was vicious...but calmed down and now we are civil.

The 2 people who know what transpired were 2 people that I am close with and I confided in them.

Yes, I understand that we do look at things do rose colored glasses.. Very true.  I guess seeing this person in a work context, and all seems normal, confuses me.  Two people tested positive in my branch and she called to see if I was ok., which was kind of her.

 

It's tough... you see the beauty of this person...but I am not a push and pull guy.  To accuse of of flirting with my Boss was so delusional it shocked me.  And she never let it go.  And I could see that she would always have a paranoid mind.

 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Kindle500

[ExpatInItaly]

I would imagine that if these people had no ulterior motive in advising me to stay away from someone, then they see something that I'm probably willfully pretending not to see

EDIT: You posted the update to this thread just as I was posting this response. In light of the further details you offered, I would not try again with this woman. She has issues.  

Edited November 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

Other questions:

"Can I trust you?"

"Do you have any secrets?"

"Do you go around work hyper sexualized?  Looking for women?"

All this after a few weeks dating? Run

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Kindle500 said:

There are times i even feel guilty talking with her because I know that these 2 women friends would disapprove.  

Be your own person, make your own mistakes! is my 'advice'.

Don't solicit advice from so-called friends ( who are just colleagues at the end of the day ) learn to trust your own instincts. You *know* in your heart of hearts, but like many of us- you're going to do what you're going to do, regardless! 

Romances at work are generally a bad idea if it's a career-job. Friendships too. I'm in my fifties now and can say I have 100% always found problems when not keeping a big boundary between work life and private life!

 

 

 

[Kindle500]

Thanks all.  I read every post.  I think it bothers me when others tell me "don't date this person anymore" and meanwhile they are in long relationships.  I want to steer my own ship.  One of the people is my sister in law.... and she cares deeply for me and she met her and  told me that I would not be happy with her.  She's the opinion I care for the most.  She is family and I take her input seriously.

 

But I agree with many of you, I know deep down it wouldn't work due to her trust issues.  Towards the end I was walking on eggshells a bit.  Which in effect is also heartbreaking on my part.  I was hurt too, as was she.  I know in my heart that I would be walking on eggshells again and careful not to rock the boat.

After the breakup she told me that "no one ever broke up with her"  that I " don't know what it takes to be in a relationship."  Etc....

I was always gentle with her and never lost my temper... I let her Zoom with whoever she wanted to because I believe in trusting my partner.  

 

As for dating people at work... I have learned my lesson on that.  It's bad cause when it ends the person is still around...and it can dull the healing process and quite frankly make you rethink things when you see them again.

Edited November 18, 2020 by Kindle500

[Kindle500]

I also just want to add... that I realized that it is my decision... not my sister in law's.  However, deep down this person emotionally scares me because I think that while having amazing qualities she is also coming from a place of paranoia.  

 

One night she told me that I was acting 'weird."  She brought it up 3 times. I told her that she was scaring me, and she replied "No you are scaring me."

It was a surprise to me, as I felt OK.  But I began to question my reality. "Was I in fact acting weird?"  I tried hard to not to "act weird."  Later in the evening she told me that "now you are acting normal."  I swear I didn't do a thing!

I later  expressed how this bothered me, and I told her that all she had to do was ask me "are you ok?"  Instead of just playing this suspicious game.  She did apologize.  

 

It's amazing, she had the ablity to be so smart and kind, then switch over to paranoid mode..... which was not for me.  this is all in 2 months.

 

[Miss Spider]

Oh, yes they are in long-term relationships but is it with a jealous psycho type person. (?) Possibly not. Maybe they are just lookin out

 

This is a common bias where people tend look back at relationships more favorably then they really where. When you’re removed from the problems, it’s a lot easier to forget how bad they were 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MsJayne]

I've done the opposite, got back with an ex even though friends and family expressed disapproval and concern.  What they saw was a nasty little psycho, what I saw was a wounded person who needed my love and support and happened to be smokin' hot.  If you see a bright future with a jealous, immature partner who embarrasses you in public, attacks you in private, (and in public), and eventually drains the happiness out of you, get back together with the jealous chick, but if you fancy a peaceful, happy future with a sane person, listen to the advice of people whose perception isn't coloured by physical attraction. 

[kismetkismet]

I haven't not gotten back with an ex because of other people's disapproval, but I have gotten back together with an ex IN SPITE of other people's disapproval (a few times actually.. 20s me was a slow learner). Every time we had the exact same issues and it ended fairly quickly for the exact same reasons. 

It's hard to give any concrete advice here since we have so few details, but unless there have been dramatic changes in your lives or personalities, it's unlikely to go differently the second time around. 

 

[Kindle500]

 

Quote

 

 

I mean, botomline. 

I met her. 

I liked her.

I made a move and things went well.

2nd month she exhibited paranoid behaviors, and sometimes passive aggressive comments that hurt.

I ended it, she got vicious.

things now are calm, we work for the same company, different branches, so I see her at her best.

We have developed a cordial way of interacting which gives me doubt over ending it, or perhaps I was too quick.

 

But the whole point of this thread is  it's up for me to decide, not the guilt I feel because my sister in law thinks it's a bad idea.

I doubt I'll get back with her, also by the responses here I see that things usually go back to how they were, unless people change.

 

I'm an honest person...perhaps I have doubt because I wish I would have called her more on her bulls***.  Maybe that would have saved the relationship.  I don't know. 

Maybe I could have been more vocal, than shocked and afriad.

But I feel that 2 months was way too soon for this BS.  My sister in law feels that it's better I found out sooner than later.

 

I'm an easy going guy, I'm not accusatory...but she was... and over nothing...honestly.  

Though I broke it off, I feel immense lose, even though it's probably for the best.

But as someone said here, I want to make my own mistake.  I want to make my own choices.  I do NOT want to make decisions based off what a family member tells me, though they mean very well.  

Edited November 18, 2020 by Kindle500

[ExpatInItaly]

You seem to think that avoiding her would somehow mean you’re letting others influence you too much, when that isn’t necessarily the case at all.

There were plenty of red flags with this relationship. You can decide to give this girl a hard pass for all of those reasons, and not just because your fiends happen to think that’s what is better for you, too. 

[kismetkismet]

46 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

 

I ended it, she got vicious.

things now are calm, we work for the same company, different branches, so I see her at her best.

 

This is why it gets so tempting to get back together with them. When you're not in a relationship with them, you only see their easy fun side. Things only get hard when your lives are entangled. (Believe me, I'm not judging, I've been lured back in by that myself)

You're right that ultimately it's up to you. And honestly I don't necessarily regret trying again (the first time with the first guy), because no matter what advice you get, it sometimes only hits home when you've experienced it yourself. But I do think that the fact that she's a coworker makes this extra complicated. You don't want a messy relationship that directly interferes with your work. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by kismetkismet

[Kindle500]

47 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

This is why it gets so tempting to get back together with them. When you're not in a relationship with them, you only see their easy fun side. Things only get hard when your lives are entangled. (Believe me, I'm not judging, I've been lured back in by that myself)

You're right that ultimately it's up to you. And honestly I don't necessarily regret trying again (the first time with the first guy), because no matter what advice you get, it sometimes only hits home when you've experienced it yourself. But I do think that the fact that she's a coworker makes this extra complicated. You don't want a messy relationship that directly interferes with your work. 

Wow  Thanks for that.  And for others as well.  I'm reading them all... and I'm getting good perspectives.  Wow thanks for all your thoughts and time.

[smackie9]

her at her best is an act of survival...but behind closed doors......