lovecraft Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Ok, a long story short. In 2015, when I gave birth to my son... My ex (father of my child) ran into a close friend of his at the hospital. Apparently his friend and his girlfriend had their child as well. So immediately we connected and a friendship grew because of that. Our son's were born on the same day, at the same hospital...and have been best friends ever since. We've had our ups and downs..as any friendship does. But we all grew closer as a family despite the fact that my ex and I are no longer together (but the love and respect remains). We all go out on playdates with our kids together, share meals...a beautiful thing really. And I cant ask for more being an expat in a country where it is hard to make a "family" of your own. I'll call her Becca... The mother of my son's bff. She had shared some information with me one day regarding my ex and his journey back into the dating life (despite the fact that she promised him that she wouldn't tell me). At first I wasn't shocked about it, but was happy for his sake as he had been going through a burnout/depressive phase with work/life. It's none of my business regardless, but I still care for him and if it makes him happy -- then of course I am happy for him. However, Becca kept revealing more details of his date that I honestly didn't really need/want to hear ( how it was just a fling, wound up with sex at his place, who she was, how old she was, how uncomfortable my ex was...and how he initially offered the woman -- whom he met a mere couple of hours ago to sleep in our son's room). It was that last detail -- that set me off and had my mom alarm ringing. One, that that was completely out of my ex's character as we both are in agreement that anything that concerns our son is off-limits when it comes to our dating/casual life. The next day, I talked to Becca and asked her for her opinion...to see if I am over-exaggerating about the issue. But it was apparent that our opinions and values differ (which is ok). But it seemed as though she was trying to talk me down... as her husband allows his friends to sleep in their son's bed if it turns out to be a long evening. Which fine, is ok. But my ex supposedly offered a woman he met on an app less than an hour or two before their "date" to sleep in our son's bed...which I find to be completely sacred. I know I no longer live in the home, and it is my ex that set's the rules.. But still. There are couches, and why didn't she sleep in his bed? It just didn't sound right. I managed to shut down and try to put it behind me. But my ex immediately noticed something was wrong as he video-chatted with our son to say goodnight. And we eventually talked about it from a calm and loving place that evening. He explained it as he hadn't dated anyone since we had broken up, that he wasn't really into it. But needed confirmation that he "still has it". That he isn't ready to date, and that he doesn't understand why Becca would tell me after promising him that she wouldn't. He thought the whole ordeal was embarrassing, and was very hurt to even believe Becca when she told me that he had offered that woman our son's bed. And this had happened during the summer, so he doesn't understand why she would mention it to me. And that she was literally fishing for information from him. When I had asked him when she asked him...he said that it was two weeks ago. Roughly the same time I had revealed to her that I had started seeing someone. He went on to say that he would never do that to our son or I. Even though we have had our ups and downs during our relationship, and even afterwards while trying to create a respectable and loving co-parent relationship for our kid....he has never lied to me. Ever. And it honestly had me question her intentions with telling me that information. Becca caught wind and is upset with me that I confronted my ex as "she thought that it would stay between us girls" and that she didn't mean anything by it. She has a history of saying/doing things that can be taken rather negative and sometimes leaves the friendship to be one-sided. That she told me because she was worried about my ex as everyone notices that he is not doing well. That I take things out of perspective and that going forward, if our son's want to play together...the playdates will be arranged between my ex and her husband. She wants to be removed from the equation... I am really hurt and taken aback with her reactions. As I thought that we were better friends than that. That we were family...and as they do.. they fight, get into tiffs and talk things out and heal. Although I find her actions now, and previous incidences questionable... I was willing to work on our friendship and perhaps build that trust again. But with her comments, and what she wrote to me, it sounds very selfish, and not only puts a divide in our relationship...but the one with our kids as well. Is this even worth trying to fix? Did I even do anything wrong?
ShyViolet Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 I think Becca needs to mind her damn business. It sounds like she is trying to make you jealous or wants to plant the seeds for drama between you and your ex and then sit back and watch it explode for her own entertainment. I don't think she had good intentions by telling you that information. She was meddling in your business and trying to get a reaction out of you. In any case, not a good friend.
MsJayne Posted November 19, 2020 Posted November 19, 2020 Becca's a gossip, and quite two-faced. If she told your ex she'd keep quiet about his dating stuff she should have kept quiet about it. If it means that your sons have to cool their friendship that's very sad, but it won't be the last time she mucks up a friendship because she can't even see why she's in the wrong.
Author lovecraft Posted November 19, 2020 Author Posted November 19, 2020 On 11/17/2020 at 7:57 PM, ShyViolet said: I think Becca needs to mind her damn business. It sounds like she is trying to make you jealous or wants to plant the seeds for drama between you and your ex and then sit back and watch it explode for her own entertainment. I don't think she had good intentions by telling you that information. She was meddling in your business and trying to get a reaction out of you. In any case, not a good friend. I tried to hear her reasoning, but it honestly didn't make sense. She has revealed things to me about herself that she doesn't want her others to know and out of respect for her wishes and our friendship I've kept my promises. Your word is all you have in this world. She still hasn't given me to this day an substantial reason to excuse her actions. It really hurts. 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: Becca's a gossip, and quite two-faced. If she told your ex she'd keep quiet about his dating stuff she should have kept quiet about it. If it means that your sons have to cool their friendship that's very sad, but it won't be the last time she mucks up a friendship because she can't even see why she's in the wrong. It seems that way. And that she didn't really value our friendship (with my ex and I, or maintaining the friendship between our sons). I see why she doesn't have that many girlfriends. I haven't reached out to her all since it happened over the weekend, but just reading her response she has no intention of taking any accountability for her actions... wanted to give an half-assed excuse/apology to my ex, and doesn't think that I am deserving of an apology either. That it is basically my fault as she "shared that information in secret".
Wiseman2 Posted November 19, 2020 Posted November 19, 2020 It may be time to relegate someone like this to the aquaintence folder. Be cordial, etc. if you need to for the sake of the kids and others involved, but don't discuss any personal matters. At this time reset ALL your social media privacy settings. Only allow certain people to view your content. Keep everything else private. Clear out the dead weight and delete and block people who no longer serve a purpose. Make sure you don't over share your personal life publically.
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