Should you ask on OLD what the guy is looking for?

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Acacia, thank you for this^^.  Still doesn't quite make sense; you claim you're seeking info but what good is this info (assuming the info is they're seeking a serious relationship) if upon actually dating and spending time together and getting to know, their actions don't match the info?  Which happens all the time. 

Okay. Let's follow that line of thinking to its logical conclusion and ask: why talk about anything at all if you're in a relationship with someone? After all, people can lie about anything at all at any stage in a relationship. Why not just go with the flow and see what happens for the entire length of the relationship?

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I know what I want in the big picture, and the men I click best with also know what they want in the big picture. I'm serious, straight-shooting, and driven. I'm only interested in men who are the same. I've learned not to fiddle around with approximations of what I want, but to go directly and precisely for what I want. Of course you don't know if you want it with that person until you get to know them, but if they don't want the same thing, there's no point in wasting your time in the first place.

Someone said above that it's a bad idea to have a detailed list. I disagree. Of course I'm not going to put my list on my dating profile. My list is for my reference only. To continue the house analogy, when I was shopping for my house, I had a VERY long list of must-haves and would-be-nice-to-haves. I sifted through hundreds and hundreds of listings in a very hot real estate market to find a cute starter house that met all my requirements and many of my desires. It's because I was so abundantly clear with myself about what I wanted that I was able to easily and quickly weed out any that didn't meet my needs and wants. What an awful waste of time - both my time and the real estate agent's time - it would have been to go look at any old house that might do.

Well gotta say RS, I respect your no-nonsense approach to not only relationships but to life!  

I'm more laid back and flexible, willing to allow life to happen, naturally and organically, I'm not a huge planner.  

I think every style has its positives and negatives but always leads to what and who is truly  right for each of us.  

Obviously my style has served me well, I'm engaged to be married.

I don't know if you're in a relationship or your dating history but I'm going to assume your style has worked well for you too.

Yay to both of us!

Edited November 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Why not just go with the flow and see what happens for the entire length of the relationship?

Well, since you mentioned, that is pretty much what we (my fiance and I) do!  We take it one day at a time.

I think when we are married, we will do this too.  Works well for us!

Different strokes...

Edit:  I think when you have children, planning and a less flexible, less free-flowing outlook is necessary but we don't want children (at least currently that could change) so we're good. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't know if you're in a relationship or your dating history but I'm going to assume your style has worked well for you too.

I'm single and all things considered happier, more fulfilled, and more secure than I've ever been. Ideally I'll end up with the right guy - but I accept that my standards are high because I'm happier single than compromising too much. My last two boyfriends have both made it clear they'd get back together today if I wanted to - but I don't.

I was married once and every man I have a relationship with brings up marriage. I'm pretty sure it'll happen for me eventually, when I'm ready.

Edited November 19, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[basil67]

7 hours ago, dangerous said:

What is significant here, is that the past two MALE posters, myself and Wiseman2, our comments either ignored or disliked, when all the objectors have been women! After all the OP was a woman asking for help. If they just listen to confirmation of the same viewpoint, from women, and immediately jump at the replies from men, then do not be surprised that nothing is actually learnt!

 I agree with @SumGuy but you conveniently forget he's another male poster.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What I'm not understanding about those who endorse asking prior to or during first meet, why the fear in taking a risk and allowing it all to simply play out naturally and organically?  

Okay so you have a few dates and then discover through actions he/she only wants casual.   

Not understanding the issue, you simply move on, right?   You'd be doing the same thing even if he/she had told you they were seeking serious, but acting casual, wouldn't you?  

I am trying so hard to understand the relevance of it, again prior to or during first meet.

There are never ever any guarantees about these things. 

 

Because online dating is exhausting. I met close to 200 men in 3 years before meeting my boyfriend and I sticked to meet men in serious dating only, imagine if I had not given myself guidelines and met anyone wanting to meet me, I would still be looking. Longer you stay online, more people you meet, more bitter and discouraged you get. To me it was important to at least stick to those who showed an interest in serious dating. It didn't mean our meeting would turn into serious dating but at least we both met with the same goal in mind.

That being said when I first started online dating and had no experience I did accept dates from anyone, I too beleived even if a man put himself in casual category he could fall in love, who knows. Well it never happened. Men self-aware enough to put themself in casual or nothing serious do mean it. After a few dissapointments I gave myself a guidelines.  

Edited November 19, 2020 by Gaeta

[Miss Spider]

How do you find 200 men that you are interested in on dating apps? That’s pretty impressive. The joys of living in a large city, I suppose.

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Gaeta]

Shortskirtslonglashes: Yep, city of 4 million it does help dating. You have more interesting prospects but you also have  more players, everything is proportionate. 

[boymommy]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Well gotta say RS, I respect your no-nonsense approach to not only relationships but to life!  

I'm more laid back and flexible, willing to allow life to happen, naturally and organically, I'm not a huge planner.  

I think every style has its positives and negatives but always leads to what and who is truly  right for each of us.  

Obviously my style has served me well, I'm engaged to be married.

I don't know if you're in a relationship or your dating history but I'm going to assume your style has worked well for you too.

Yay to both of us!

Congrats poppyfields! I saw you mention fiance, and I was like woah, wait when did that happen? haha I missed it! So happy for you! 

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Because online dating is exhausting. I met close to 200 men in 3 years before meeting my boyfriend and I sticked to meet men in serious dating only, imagine if I had not given myself guidelines and met anyone wanting to meet me, I would still be looking. Longer you stay online, more people you meet, more bitter and discouraged you get. To me it was important to at least stick to those who showed an interest in serious dating. It didn't mean our meeting would turn into serious dating but at least we both met with the same goal in mind.

That being said when I first started online dating and had no experience I did accept dates from anyone, I too beleived even if a man put himself in casual category he could fall in love, who knows. Well it never happened. Men self-aware enough to put themself in casual or nothing serious do mean it. After a few dissapointments I gave myself a guidelines.  

Yes it IS exhausting!  So I hear ya re guidelines and screening.   

I just had a different screening process, different criteria used to make an assessment as to whether or not to meet.

Not sure if you read my subsequent post, but I was so discerning, I actually only met two men, the second man is now my fiance. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Men self-aware enough to put themself in casual or nothing serious do mean it. After a few dissapointments I gave myself a guidelines.  

THIS!

Yes men who decide they want only casual (usually) close themselves off to anything more deep and emotional (on purpose). So even if they meet an amazing woman, they are not open to truly know her because they are closed off. This can have many reasons: they are still hurting from a past relationship, they do not want a relationship because they are focusing on something else, or they are just emotionally unavailable.

So the thing with "going with casual and then fall in love" is a dangerous territory to me. Play with fire and you'll get burned. And that is why a LOT of dating coaches say to women to not have sex until you are in a monogamous relationship, in other words, that the guy showed you through actions and consistency that he truly wants to know you and is serious. I agree.

Unless of course a woman also wants something casual and fun, regardless of what happens afterwards, which is totally fine.

Edited November 20, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

13 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm single and all things considered happier, more fulfilled, and more secure than I've ever been. Ideally I'll end up with the right guy - but I accept that my standards are high because I'm happier single than compromising too much. My last two boyfriends have both made it clear they'd get back together today if I wanted to - but I don't.

I was married once and every man I have a relationship with brings up marriage. I'm pretty sure it'll happen for me eventually, when I'm ready.

Same boat here!

My last relationship he was a true gentleman. We dated for one year and we were not compatible on other things, but he behaved like a gentleman since date one. Although we are not together anymore, he set the bar high. I was not used to guys who are truly gentlemen and know how to treat a woman properly. I saw the difference between a boy and a man, and realised how much I was settling for so little before, with shopping mall first dates and similar.

That is why after having experiencing that, I now cannot accept less than. My standards are high and I am happy single too. And want to find a true gentleman like that where we are compatible at all levels.

Edited November 20, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

It's common sense to have the exclusive talk before sex. For practical (STDs) and many other reasons. 

You don't need to watch "dating coaches" to understand that this is a normal adult conversation and agreement.

Clear communication is crucial whether it's at the onset or down the line.

If someone doesn't like the idea of seeing someone's face on every dating site after having sex, have the talk.

[dangerous]

It's funny how the OP are now talking about sex, when they haven't even been on a first date with the guy who they are already labelling as casual and not open to a serious relationship.

To confuse you further, I am a guy, like many, who is looking for a serious relationship, BUT I am not prepared to state or commit up front that I am serious and exclusive even BEFORE I have met someone on a first date!!

Many of us start casual (casual does not necessarily mean we multi-date or sleep around, or expect sex on the first date) and develop into serious. I'd say that is a normal progression.

[miss2017]

On 11/20/2020 at 5:48 PM, dangerous said:

It's funny how the OP are now talking about sex, when they haven't even been on a first date with the guy who they are already labelling as casual and not open to a serious relationship.

To confuse you further, I am a guy, like many, who is looking for a serious relationship, BUT I am not prepared to state or commit up front that I am serious and exclusive even BEFORE I have met someone on a first date!!

Many of us start casual (casual does not necessarily mean we multi-date or sleep around, or expect sex on the first date) and develop into serious. I'd say that is a normal progression.

You didn't seem to understand that the question "what you re looking for" is not about the person who is asking the question, but about what they want in life in general.

I want a serious relationship and do not anything casual. If a guy tells me he doesn't know what he wants (in general) or just wants something casual, goodbye for me. 

No not everyone starts off with being casual and having sex being casual. Some people want to date seriously to see if they are compatible at other levels before sex.

[smackie9]

I don't think it's silly to ask. If I was dating, my goal would be to meet someone for a relationship and I would tell them. Everyone "sees how it goes" isn't that why we go out on dates? To check things out, get a feel for the person etc? So you have sex and hang out etc. Doesn't always mean it's going to turn into a relationship. Is there a chance of you getting hurt? yes of course, and there is also a chance of you dumping someone too. Only in it for sex? That usually can be detected....it's a crap shoot tho no matter how you approach it.

[elaine567]

On 11/20/2020 at 5:48 PM, dangerous said:

casual does not necessarily mean we multi-date or sleep around, or expect sex on the first date

Maybe not to you, but that is exactly what casual means.
NSA sex and "We will see where it goes..." ie nowhere...