Should you ask on OLD what the guy is looking for?

[poppyfields]

My take on Sal's analogy was to show that we find out these things as we go along.  Dating, spending time, communicating, interacting with others, etc and to Sal's analogy, having sex.  

We judge through actions not just words spoken before meeting or having an opportunity to interact with and get to know that person.  Just my take on it.

Again, I realize asking this question works well for others, and that's fine. No judgment from me.

Edited December 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to deleted post.

[Miss Spider]

We find out things as we go along, yes.
Part of that is just having conversations and asking people things like that?I guess I just don’t see how likens asking someone their relationship goals  to being as personal as their sexual preferences. Quite a stretch. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

We find out things as we go along, yes.
Part of that is just having conversations?I guess I just don’t see how likens asking someone their relationship goals  to being as personal as their sexual preferences. Quite a stretch. 

Lol, agree it's a stretch to compare the two, and not sure why he chose having anal as an analogy.  

I cant speak for Sal but again I think he only used it to show, like sexual preferences, we find what someone ultimately wants with us as we go along. 

I could be wrong!  

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Okay I see,  but I don’t think anyone here disagreed that we find out things about people as we go along lol.  The question seems when this particular information can/should be discovered. And if it is an inappropriate question to ask, particularly at the beginning of dating someone.
 

When someone answers this question, I don’t think it should be taken to mean anything about a particular person, unless that’s explicitly stated. Just a general idea of what they want. I can tell someone I want casual sex and they can infer stuff about me from that.  That does not necessarily I want it with them.

 

It isn’t a question I would ask, but my feelings  on the matter are the people that want to ask this question and like to get an idea on this initially find each other . And people that find the question distasteful or unnecessary and prefer to just go with the flow find each other as well. Don’t know if there is a right or wrong. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

It's not an inappropriate question to ask, or wrong.  I haven't read where anyone has said it was, except for maybe Sal, possibly.  

For me, I just never saw the point, for reasons given, but if it works well for others, that's fine too.  

There is no right or wrong.  It's whatever works for each of us.

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Oh, and I wanna be clear that by ‘appropriate’ I mean ‘should it be asked’. As per thread title

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[princessaurora]

I think it's just best not to ask that question and go with the flow. When I was dating the topic usually just naturally came up  in conversations about past relationships or long term goals over time.. The truth is it's all about chemistry and connection. They could be wanting a LTR but if they're not feeling it with you it's not going to happen. They could just be planning on having something casual, but if y'all totally vibe and fireworks go off, it could become alot more. I once had sex on a 1st date with a frat guy totally expecting it to be a ONS. It was just one of those experiences I wanted to check off my list. Guess what? We liked each other and dated for 6 months. My friends still tease me to this day that I'm the only person they know who tried to have a one nighter and epically failed.. lol   Just goes to show you the plans we have sometimes change in an instant. So in a sense, like shortskirts said "open to anything" is not a lie because most people truly are whether they realize it or not. 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I think it's just best not to ask that question and go with the flow. When I was dating the topic usually just naturally came up  in conversations about past relationships or long term goals over time.. The truth is it's all about chemistry and connection. They could be wanting a LTR but if they're not feeling it with you it's not going to happen. They could just be planning on having something casual, but if y'all totally vibe and fireworks go off, it could become alot more. I once had sex on a 1st date with a frat guy totally expecting it to be a ONS. It was just one of those experiences I wanted to check off my list. Guess what? We liked each other and dated for 6 months. My friends still tease me to this day that I'm the only person they know who tried to have a one nighter and epically failed.. lol   Just goes to show you the plans we have sometimes change in an instant. So in a sense, like shortskirts said "open to anything" is not a lie because most people truly are whether they realize it or not. 

Happened to me too @princessaurora, with my ex.  What I originally thought would be a ONS turned into dating six years and an engagement.

Ya just never know how things will ultimately play out.  

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

... I've been around long enough that I can spot a scammer from five miles away, and I'm telling you––if this question is asked early on, there is a 99.9 percent chance that it's a West African romance scammer.

Ahhh makes more sense, you are referring to the asking via message not in person.  I have never encountered a romance scammer in OLD but again ask to meet within a week basically.  Did once encounter what may have been a prostitute, talked to her over the phone (so local and female sounding voice) but never did meet.  Before you started shutting down people who asked this how often did this question then come with follow ups with requests for money, etc., stuff that an actual scammer will get to sooner rather than later?

I go back to my original statement it is usually not a scam question, especially in person, a very legitimate one we all think of.  It's also a simple question, I don't see how saying I'm looking for casual vs deep, lifelong commitment will provide any hooks for a scammer.  If one is not open to being scammed answering the question won't all of a sudden make you an easy mark, I think.

I certainly would never give someone over the internet details about my family, names or where they live, or my work.   Those details can be used to get to one financially.  What I want out of love?  Not seeing it  It's not like one of my security questions is What are you looking for in a relationship.

I can't really say how often I've asked it if ever, may have but never via message, or been asked, know I have been asked even in a message.   Don't keep track because it is really not a thing.   In no case has any of these women turned out to be scammer, granted we are talking maybe a dozen instances, but 0% have been scammers.  Would be the same for all my friends in OLD as well.  Maybe it is the sites you used or something specific in your profile that attracted scammers. 

 

It really, from my view, is a way for women who are interested in exclusive relationships to serve notice on the guys who are completely casual.  Doesn't suddenly make them honest, or mean you stop looking at their actions. 

What it does do is shut down wannabe player guys self serving post-hoc justifications, stops him from posting threads where: "sleeping with girl A, met girl B and want to sleep with her as well, I don't think I have to tell girl A because we never discussed it and the default is FWB, right?" 

I do agree that if you put too much weight on it one way or another, that is you dissect the answer and judge harshly based on it or assume that only a completely messed up person (or scammer) would ask it, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

[SumGuy]

24 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Oh, and I wanna be clear that by ‘appropriate’ I mean ‘should it be asked’. As per thread title

Good point.  Should?  No don't think this is the category of things that "should" be done.  A very small category in my view, to each their own.

A bad idea? No, not a bad idea, maybe a good one.  It's a basic simple question in itself. 

Open to anything is a fine answer.   Wouldn't turn me off as a man, can see though how if I said that it could make her think I'm a player.  Any honest answer is a good answer, if one is seeking compatibility and connection, even if looking only for casual.  Now if one could care less about compatibility or connection and just wants some sex, an honest answer may not get you what you want.

For me I'd find it a good filter if the other person freaks over it.  After all we are on OLD looking for something, as mature adults seeking compatibility and connection we should be able to politely inquire about it without the other person freaking out.

[kismetkismet]

3 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I think it's just best not to ask that question and go with the flow. When I was dating the topic usually just naturally came up  in conversations about past relationships or long term goals over time.. The truth is it's all about chemistry and connection. They could be wanting a LTR but if they're not feeling it with you it's not going to happen. They could just be planning on having something casual, but if y'all totally vibe and fireworks go off, it could become alot more. I once had sex on a 1st date with a frat guy totally expecting it to be a ONS. It was just one of those experiences I wanted to check off my list. Guess what? We liked each other and dated for 6 months. My friends still tease me to this day that I'm the only person they know who tried to have a one nighter and epically failed.. lol   Just goes to show you the plans we have sometimes change in an instant. So in a sense, like shortskirts said "open to anything" is not a lie because most people truly are whether they realize it or not. 

Yes, this exactly! My HUSBAND was supposed to be a one night stand/casual thing. I wasn't looking for anything because I'd just gotten out of a relationship and so had he. I just wanted to have some fun. But it took me a week or two to realize I was about to fall head over heels for him and two years later we were married.

If you click with the person your outlook can change and vice versa. 

[ladybug2021]

I think the only reason this question makes sense on OLD is because:

- Lack of common ground. IRL there could be common friends, common environment, you see body language, etc, and you can more easily tell how the person is. On OLD you don't have any of that.

- OLD is known for hook-ups, especially Tinder and others. So if someone is on these Apps and looking for something serious, the question makes sense to ask, as most want something casual.

To me those are the only two reasons to ask that question early on. And from my experience, only emotionally unavailable people freak out about it.

[dangerous]

Personally, I say, I am looking to meet and see how we develop. But from some of the answers on here, that would be a red flag!

I have been long term married and had serious relationships, but I do not want to JUMP into a wrong one. I think its only natural to meet and see what happens. Yes, ultimately I want a relationship IF it feels right, but I think way too many people say they want a relationship, when they really aren't ready and they mean they just don't want to be alone. 

 

[mortensorchid]

When guys have asked me what I am looking for on the website / apps, I tell them the truth : I am looking for a LTR or The One.  I never hear a word from them again.  If I ask that question of them, they never respond.

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

When guys have asked me what I am looking for on the website / apps, I tell them the truth : I am looking for a LTR or The One.  I never hear a word from them again.  If I ask that question of them, they never respond.

A non response is still a response, and good riddance I say!

[miss2017]

I used to have on my profile that I am looking for a serious relationship, but took that off, because I realised it was attracting that type of lazy ass abusive guys who say they are ready for love and want a serious relationship too, but then they are unemployed, living with the mom, with no money, etc, and just want to find a stable woman with a house and money in order to feed on that.

Yes there are a LOT of guys like that online, and they go after the women that want a serious relationship. They also go after the desperate and insecure ones, as they love bomb and make believe she found ‘the one’. 

I got fed up of that type of guys so I took out from my profile what I am looking for.

This type of guys are low effort, so if they can’t quickly see what the woman is looking for through their profile, they move on to the ones who have that written.

To me that type is even worse than the ones just looking for sex.

Now if a guy wants to know what I am looking for they’ll have to make an effort and chat with me first. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

It's a poor, uninteresting and uninformative question.

Use better and more insightful communication skills when meeting new people.

Try to learn about your date, not about if someone has a crystal ball for you or who is well versed in giving the "right"  answers to these types of questions.

Keep in mind when you come off as an interviewer for a job, it's clear that this "job" is future husband.

You may think that this type of question does no harm, however that question says more about you than you'll learn from whatever answer is given.

[Miss Spider]

40 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I used to have on my profile that I am looking for a serious relationship, but took that off, because I realised it was attracting that type of lazy ass abusive guys who say they are ready for love and want a serious relationship too, but then they are unemployed, living with the mom, with no money, etc, and just want to find a stable woman with a house and money in order to feed on that.

Yes there are a LOT of guys like that online, and they go after the women that want a serious relationship. They also go after the desperate and insecure ones, as they love bomb and make believe she found ‘the one’. 

I got fed up of that type of guys so I took out from my profile what I am looking for.

This type of guys are low effort, so if they can’t quickly see what the woman is looking for through their profile, they move on to the ones who have that written.

To me that type is even worse than the ones just looking for sex.

Now if a guy wants to know what I am looking for they’ll have to make an effort and chat with me first. 

That’s interesting you say that. I have an online friend that has “ I am looking for a serious relationship” on her profile.I have noticed that she has had a lot of horrible experiences on online dating. She’s found like 4 bfs from there and so far they have all been horrible(ie borrowed large sum of money, didn’t pay her and ghosted her, etc.) Here is my theory: some opportunist men see that sentence and assume they’re desperate for a relationship and probably a ‘good girl’ ... and it’s like a moth to a flame. The issue is they are right and that her picker is not good IMO. She falls for so much stuff I can’t believe 

I’m not gonna tell her to change her profile content or anything because I don’t think it’s my place to do that. Just a thought I have had 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[miss2017]

14 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That’s interesting you say that. I have a friend that has “ I am looking for a serious relationship” on her profile.I have noticed that she has had a lot of horrible experiences on online dating. She’s found like 4 bfs from there and so far they have all been horrible(ie used her for money and ghosted her, etc.) Here is my theory: some opportunist men see that sentence and assume they’re desperate for a relationship and probably a ‘good girl’ ... and it’s like a moth to a flame. 

I’m not gonna tell her to change her profile content or anything because I don’t think it’s my place to do that. Just a thought I have had 

Yes that is the type of guys I was talking about!

Please do her a favour and tell her that. It took me a long time to figure this out myself, that by putting that on my profile I was attracting the wrong kind of men.

And they are skilled in making believe they are serious and care for you, so please do tell her if you can.

[Miss Spider]

Yes. You might be attracting genuinely good guys too? But they’re not the ones you’re into the most? 
 

And I have tried. But she doesn’t listen to me at all. This same online friend just lost 2 grand because a guy said he was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to help her financially. Apparently he put $900 in her account and then withdrew 2700 and ran. She’s got the cops involved and everything. I told her to stop giving guys money or access to her money. I think she is beyond redemption

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ladybug2021]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes. You might be attracting genuinely good guys too? But they’re not the ones you’re into the most? 
 

And I have tried. But she doesn’t listen to me at all. This same online friend just lost 2 grand because a guy said he was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to help her financially. Apparently he put $900 in her account and then withdrew 2700 and ran. She’s got the cops involved and everything. I told her to stop giving guys money or access to her money. I think she is beyond redemption

OMG, hope she gets that solved! 

Edited November 19, 2020 by ladybug2021

[miss2017]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes. You might be attracting genuinely good guys too? But they’re not the ones you’re into the most? 
 

And I have tried. But she doesn’t listen to me at all. This same online friend just lost 2 grand because a guy said he was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to help her financially. Apparently he put $900 in her account and then withdrew 2700 and ran. She’s got the cops involved and everything. I told her to stop giving guys money or access to her money. I think she is beyond redemption

Don't take me the wrong way, but I think your friend needs some kind of therapy. The fact she feels she needs to give them money in order to be loved shows there is some underlying issue with her maybe related to some kind of trauma bonding or self esteem that she needs to address. Otherwise she will keep attracting the same kind of guys and have this happening over and over again.

I still have on my profile I am looking for something positive and long term, so to attract the right guys, but I don't have the serious and formal tone I used to have before, as in "looking for a serious relationship, etc", as that are the "keywords" that type of guys look for.

Edited November 19, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

A laundry list of what you want and are looking for is a huge mistake.

Think about it. Would an ad for a house that talks about desirable characteristics appeal to you more than an ad that lists what the owner/seller wants?

Would you even bother viewing a house that's listed as "owner wants this, that etc.?

Or would a pleasant upbeat description appeal to you more?

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A laundry list of what you want and are looking for is a huge mistake.

Think about it. Would an ad for a house that talks about desirable characteristics appeal to you more than an ad that lists what the owner/seller wants?

Would you even bother viewing a house that's listed as "owner wants this, that etc.?

Or would a pleasant upbeat description appeal to you more?

That's a weird analogy Wiseman.  When buying a house, we know exactly what the seller wants, and it's just one thing: the right amount of money.  If it's an auction, the amount may be hidden...but we still know that the bottom line is all about money.   However if it' a sale, what he wants is right at the top of the advert.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That’s interesting you say that. I have an online friend that has “ I am looking for a serious relationship” on her profile.I have noticed that she has had a lot of horrible experiences on online dating. She’s found like 4 bfs from there and so far they have all been horrible(ie borrowed large sum of money, didn’t pay her and ghosted her, etc.) Here is my theory: some opportunist men see that sentence and assume they’re desperate for a relationship and probably a ‘good girl’ ... and it’s like a moth to a flame. The issue is they are right and that her picker is not good IMO. She falls for so much stuff I can’t believe 

I’m not gonna tell her to change her profile content or anything because I don’t think it’s my place to do that. Just a thought I have had 

And nor should she change her profile content.   

The fact that she has a broken BS detector and falls for all kinds of scams isn't related to her being honest about what she wants.   A woman who lists that she wants a relationship and is also savvy won't have the same problems.