Should you ask on OLD what the guy is looking for?

[Miss Spider]

Agreed totally. Don’t like it. how do you answer it when you’re  asked, poppy? 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

And true they will show what they want, and sometimes even early on without asking any question.

Absolutely.  The question is needy, sounds desperate like you're wanting some sort of guarantee.  Not willing to take the risk of simply dating for a bit and discovering things as you go along.  

Guy/girl says they're looking for a relationship then ghosts you after second date, so what's the point of asking?  

Play it out, detach from the outcome, relax and enjoy the journey!  

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Agreed totally. Don’t like it. how do you answer it when you’re  asked, poppy? 

Believe it or not, I've never been asked! I screen carefully using my intuition and have been lucky to have only met guys who apparently felt same way. 

Even when meeting guys IRL (which was most of the men I've dated)  I've never been asked, never a problem. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Guy/girl says they're looking for a relationship then ghosts you after second date, so what's the point of asking?  

Or, a woman could have 5-10-20 dates with a man, have sex, then suddenly he's not sure he wants a "relationship" after all.  

I've seen it happen, not to me but to friends who have asked.  

Again, don't quite see the point and by dismissing men who don't answer to your liking, you may have possibly dismissed a man that might have been perfect for you, and vice versa, if only you were willing to relax, detach from the outcome and take a risk. 

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I'd assume next to nothing.  There is whole lot of room between casual and marriage + kids     I believe the amount of information you get is pretty low, it really is more to weed out those who respond with something that is far afield of what you are after.  And to keep the deceivers from later saying they didn't lie to you.

Well this is true as well. I found that the MOST serious men I have dated who either wanted a serious long term relationship or wanted marriage told me very early on (not on first date but after the first few dates we had) and pretty much made it known that thats what they were looking for. The other more casual dater types I found I wasn't really sure what they were after and had to kind of either fish for info or try to analyze their words or actions to try to decipher if they were looking for a relationship rather because I was scared I would scare them off.

[Miss Spider]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Believe it or not, I've never been asked! I screen carefully using my intuition and have been lucky to have only met guys who apparently felt same way. 

Even when meeting guys IRL (which was most of the men I've dated)  I've never been asked, never a problem. 

Very lucky. But now that I think of it, this is mostly a question I’ve been asked  from people from OLD.. not so much people I’ve met in person. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that  OLDaters seem to collectively be one of the most cynical and  jaded groups of people on Earth. They probably need that extra reassurance ...

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Well that’s true too. Maybe a guy can feel a bit of pressure if a woman asks what do they want early on? 

And true they will show what they want, and sometimes even early on without asking any question.

They might feel pressure...but it's been my experience that really it's just better to weed out the people who really don't want the same things you do from the very getgo! Saves a ton of hassle, pain, and agony later! I think you can pretty much find anything you are looking for on OLD. If you want a one night stand you'll find it. If you want a fwb setup you'll find it. If you want more of a casual dating relationship you'll find it. If you want a committed relationship without marriage you'll find it. If you want marriage, kids, a white picket fence, a joint back account, ect. you will find that too...but those people are for SURE in the minority and it will take longer to get to them. The reason is that most people do OLD for more hookup or casual dating and not to find the love of their lives. Women do OLD for that more often but more men want casual encounters. There aren't enough serious dater men types  to match the serious dating women types. So basically there is this overlap where men who ACTUALLY want hookups chose women who want serious relationships. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Well this is true as well. I found that the MOST serious men I have dated who either wanted a serious long term relationship or wanted marriage told me very early on (not on first date but after the first few dates we had) and pretty much made it known that thats what they were looking for. The other more casual dater types I found I wasn't really sure what they were after and had to kind of either fish for info or try to analyze their words or actions to try to decipher if they were looking for a relationship rather because I was scared I would scare them off.

Problem is, many men DO believe they want a relationship (or marriage) then once in one, realize they don't want it so much anymore. 

I've read so many threads, witnessed in real life, it's not hard to notice.  

I've never been asked, but if I had or if he straight out told me he was seeking or wanting a relationship before or during the first meet or date, I dont think I would trust it.

I honestly would think he was BS'ing me.  

 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I used to respond to that question, "I am looking to adopt a dog. Is this the right website?" 

How about not asking that question because it's so obvious why people are there: to do online dating to meet someone. What they want to do with that person remains to be seen.

LOL, what a great response, perfect! 

Wholeheartedly agree with you WC.  

[boymommy]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Problem is, many men DO believe they want a relationship (or marriage) then once in one, realize they don't want it so much anymore. 

I've read so many threads, witnessed in real life, it's not hard to notice.  

I've never been asked, but if I had or if he straight out told me he was seeking or wanting a relationship before or during the first meet or date, I dont think I would trust it.

I honestly would think he was BS'ing me.  

 

One of my good male friends ended a two year relationship a few months back. He was talking about getting back into OLD once he is ready to and he said he very much wants a relationship (possibly marriage with the right person). I think there are in fact men like that, just fewer of them who are that self aware. I have other friends who are divorced and single who feel the same.

I do probably agree with you that men can be put off by relationships and marriage as a result of bad relationships/marriage. I found this to be true when I started dating after my divorce especially. I found there were divorced men especially who wanted back what they felt they had lost (their wives) and then their were men who basically were fine just being bachelors and really didn't feel the need to get remarried. Same goes for a committed relationship. Sometimes its a temporary reaction, other times they just permanently decide they like being single, other times it changes when they meet the right person. Depends on the guy I think. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

Oh lord, I'm remembering now there was this one guy who asked me what I wanted, if I was looking for a relationship.  We were in my kitchen drinking cheap champagne.

I recall being very honest and said, possibly but right now I am enjoying dating to see where it might lead.  Or something like that.  

He accused me of lying!   He said "I don't believe you, ALL women want a relationship."

Pretty much those exact words.  I can't believe I forgot that.  

I don't even think HE was looking for that, it just bothered him that I had not asked him!  

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

16 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Very lucky. But now that I think of it, this is mostly a question I’ve been asked  from people from OLD.. not so much people I’ve met in person. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that  OLDaters seem to collectively be one of the most cynical and  jaded groups of people on Earth. They probably need that extra reassurance ...

Well I only OLDed for 7 months before I met my boyfriend and that was long enough. It was a nightmare. I'm not cynical or jaded but it's not a fun experience. I don't blame anyone for being cynical or jaded. Getting ghosted and rejected constantly and never find out why...and just have that happen repeatedly. I think even the most secure person would have some issues there lol

[WanderingComet]

This question has somewhat become an orange flag for me. 
9/10 guys who ask me this question say that they are only on OLD apps for 'fun', 'hookup', 'casual' etc on those lines.
I've had people unmatch when I say I am looking for something serious. 

On the other hand, good riddance?

[Wiseman2]

This question comes off as someone who is a serial dater and lives on dating apps but without much luck.

When you in first text/ communicate, make it a brief introduction and means to set up a meeting

At the meeting, have general chitchat.

The question is meaningless because what if someone says "LTR or marriage/family?

That doesn't necessarily mean you. As far as casual sex/hookups, that's an action not a question. If you don't hookup, then it's not happening.

It's better to screen for red flags through conversation.

[salparadise]

11 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I don’t get this about scams either. Just because a woman is honest and wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean she is naive and will fall for a scam.

What I am saying is that this question is frequently used as an opener by scammers. The precise phrasing being "So what are you looking for on here," (referring to the app or dating site). This is often after they made the initial contact. It's way too simplistic, direct, and coarse. Real women don't ask this question because they can feel the rhythm and flow of a conversation with a new acquaintance. The social dance with intelligent people is far more complex than this. It's sort of like asking someone if they're smart, or kind, or if they have money. 

Of course it's an appropriate topic to explore at some point, but not in the first three minutes of engaging with someone. And when it is time to have this talk, nobody with half a brain is going to be this direct about it... and nobody with half a brain is going to give a straight-up answer either. The correct response  for a guy is always "oh, I want serious relationship." Then, as a woman you have to figure out if that's actually true, and if he considers YOU to be relationship material. And if you're looking for a husband you still won't know if the guy is a commitment phobe, or a player who just knows how to answer the question. 

 Bottom line... a player is not going to say he's a player, and a marriage-minded man is not going to act desperate to get married. All you're going to figure out is how good the guy is at evading the question or telling you what you want to hear... and it makes you sound like a fat, greasy, West African male with an internet connection, and a limited understanding of the English language or western culture. I've been around long enough that I can spot a scammer from five miles away, and I'm telling you––if this question is asked early on, there is a 99.9 percent chance that it's a West African romance scammer.

Edited November 18, 2020 by salparadise
grammar

[ladybug2021]

14 minutes ago, salparadise said:

What I am saying is that this question is frequently used as an opener by scammers. The precise phrasing being "So what are you looking for on here," (referring to the app or dating site). This is often after they made the initial contact. It's way too simplistic, direct, and coarse. Real women don't ask this question because they can feel the rhythm and flow of a conversation with a new acquaintance. The social dance with intelligent people is far more complex than this. It's sort of like asking someone if they're smart, or kind, or if they have money. 

Of course it's an appropriate topic to explore at some point, but not in the first three minutes of engaging with someone. And when it is time to have this talk, nobody with half a brain is going to be this direct about it... and nobody with half a brain is going to give a straight-up answer either. The correct response  for a guy is always "oh, I want serious relationship." Then, as a woman you have to figure out if that's actually true, and if he considers YOU to be relationship material. And if you're looking for a husband you still won't know if the guy is a commitment phobe, or a player who just knows how to answer the question. 

 Bottom line... a player is not going to say he's a player, and a marriage-minded man is not going to act desperate to get married. All you're going to figure out is how good the guy is at evading the question or telling you what you want to hear... and it makes you sound like a fat, greasy, West African male with an internet connection, and a limited understanding of the English language or western culture. I've been around long enough that I can spot a scammer from five miles away, and I'm telling you––if this question is asked early on, there is a 99.9 percent chance that it's a West African romance scammer.

But why do they do this? Are they trying to find low self-esteem woman desperate for a relationship and then take their money, or something like that?

[salparadise]

16 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

But why do they do this? Are they trying to find low self-esteem woman desperate for a relationship and then take their money, or something like that?

Of course the ones that I've encountered are pretending to be women, and contacting men. They're looking for people who are gullible, not very bright, and susceptible to falling into the fantasy they're going to try to create. The purpose is to get the target invested, and then get them to send them money. There is actually an interesting synergy there... smart, savvy people will figure them out quickly, and nobody with half a brain is going to wire money to someone across the ocean they haven't met, so their rather unsophisticated approach actually filters out the folks too savvy to fall for it. So what they need is someone lonely, desperate, and very, very sincere. When they ask this question and the mark starts going on at length about wanting true love and marriage, they know they've got a live one on the line.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Again, don't quite see the point and by dismissing men who don't answer to your liking, you may have possibly dismissed a man that might have been perfect for you, and vice versa, if only you were willing to relax, detach from the outcome and take a risk. 

I agree it is putting someone on the spot as to what their intentions are when they are not in full possession of the facts. Asked early doors it is meaningless.
"I am looking for some fun and see where it goes" ie sex/casual, may change into "OMG this guy/girl is awesome this may be the one..." but it is then too late as the other person thinks you do not want a relationship and have switched off.
OR "I am looking for a serious relationship" can turn into "OMG who is this guy/girl? I can't wait to get out the door", but the other person is already choosing the venue...

Who cares what they are or were looking for?
They can change their mind in an instant.

[Miss Spider]

I think when I’ve been asked this it’s been very early on it’s not even been about finding out my dating goals, but more just to make small talk/conversation almost. Like whenever the guy would ask me on the first date or before the first date what I was looking for   he’d be like “yep I completely agree. Me too” whether I said relationship or see where it goes. It wasn’t really a genuine question . I don’t usually date the type of person who would ask this question. It’s mostly been guys I’m chatting with on date apps 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I agree it is putting someone on the spot as to what their intentions are when they are not in full possession of the facts. Asked early doors it is meaningless.
"I am looking for some fun and see where it goes" ie sex/casual, may change into "OMG this guy/girl is awesome this may be the one..." but it is then too late as the other person thinks you do not want a relationship and have switched off.
OR "I am looking for a serious relationship" can turn into "OMG who is this guy/girl? I can't wait to get out the door", but the other person is already choosing the venue...

Who cares what they are or were looking for?
They can change their mind in an instant.

Exactly elaine, it's nice to see we agree on this!   No one knows what they want with a particular person until they date them for awhile, and for me, any man who claimed he did prior to or on the first couple of dates I wouldn't trust and would probably next.

For those inclined to ask, guy could tell you he's seeking a relationship but after a seversl dates with you, realize he only wants FWB or casual, with you. 

OR, guy could tell you he only wants casual, but after a few dates with you, realizes he would like to explore a relationship with you.  That actually happened to me with my ex!  

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[ladybug2021]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly elaine, it's nice to see we agree on this!   No one knows what they want with a particular person until they date them for awhile, and for me, any man who claimed he did prior to or on the first couple of dates I wouldn't trust and would probably next.

For those inclined to ask, guy could tell you he's seeking a relationship but after a few dates with you, realize he only wants FWB or casual, with you. 

OR, guy could tell you he only wants casual, but after a few dates with you, realizes he would like to explore a relationship with you.  That actually happened to me with my ex!  

I think the question "what are you looking for" is not what the guy wants about this woman asking the question that he never met, but in general. Where is he at in his life in terms of relationships. Is he looking for a serious relationship, casual stuff, etc?

So if both are on the same page both can progress to know each other and see if they are a match for a relationship, or not. 

And if the guy says "casual", to me is a stop right there. I don't do casual (as in casual sex), so I wouldn't progress to meet him if he said that. 

So the question when they start talking is generic.

Edited November 18, 2020 by ladybug2021

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I think the question "what are you looking for" is not what the guy wants about this woman asking the question that he never met, but in general. Where is he at in his life in terms of relationships. Is he looking for a serious relationship, casual stuff, etc?

So if both are on the same page both can progress to know each other and see if they are a match for a relationship, or not. 

So the question when they start talking is generic.

I realize it's generic but so what?  Ok, you're on the same page, you both ultimately seek a LTR, but it's irrelevant because a few dates in, he only considers you as FWB or casual.

Or let's say he tells you he only wants casual, which to me is how relationships should start out anyway - casual possibly leading to serious depending on the person, the chemistry/energy you have with that person, how well you get on, your connection, etc.  

Feelings are fluid, and can change, along with what you ultimately want - with that person.  

So why ask?  Detach from the outcome and enjoy the process of getting to know someone and figuring it out as you go.  Take a risk, there are never any guarantees anyway. 

For me, I always loved the excitement and anticipation of not knowing.  The uncertainty, as odd as that might sound to some.  

Like as a kid, the excitement of anticipating what will be under the tree.  

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

How about maybe if they want marriage and kids ASAP.  Maybe if the clock is ticking for them they want to narrow it down only to people who want family too , you could save a lot of time. But this wouldn’t really be the relationship question. Like people have said, ‘what are you looking for’ is more of a conversation piece to get a general idea of what the persons life goals are. For example, she can say that she wants a relationship that leads to marriage and kids within the next five years. 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

For example, she can say that she wants a relationship that leads to marriage and kids within the next five years. 

So can he, but again so what?  What's the point of being on the same page, when after several dates in, he/she realizes they only want something casual, with you.  

I'm not judging anyone, I realize there are many people who believe in asking prior to meeting or within first couple of dates, and it's served them well.  

I just never understood the relevance of it; no right or wrong at the end of the day, whatever works. 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So can he, but again so what?  What's the point of being on the same page, when after several dates in, he/she realizes they only want something casual, with you.  

I'm not judging anyone, I realize there are many people who believe in asking prior to meeting or within first couple of dates, and it's served them well.  

I just never understood the relevance of it; no right or wrong at the end of the day, whatever works. 

The point is that it might reveal more information about the person, whether true or not, much in the same way every other conversation you have with someone does. I don’t assume someone is lying when they tell me that in the next five years they want to buy a house, even if that may be a lie or it may not actually do it. But understanding that that is in their life plan might be somewhat useful . Like, if I were asked this question, I would never say I am waiting I am wanting children in the next five years, because I definitively don’t. But another woman might. That might not be in the man’s life plan, so in light of this conversation, he can nix her right away. 
 

Agree. It’s not going to match you up with everyone that has your same goals. People lie, people aren’t sure, people may want something but not with you, change their mind, but maybe someone can narrow down ‘definitely nots’ a bit based on that information. 
 

IDK. I’ve never asked the question. Just suggesting reasons someone might 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes