Should you ask on OLD what the guy is looking for?

[boymommy]

I could almost ALWAYS tell when a guy was more serious because HE would be the one to say he wanted a relationship or remarriage (I'm divorced and I mostly dated divorced guys so our topics were a little different then never married people with no kids!) I learned early on to let the guy take the lead on that. I thought I scared guys off by asking them what they wanted but in reality a guy WILL put it out there if thats what he is looking for..especially if he's looking for it with you! 

You will weed out the players and guys looking for fwb or casual sex a lot quicker by letting the guy ask the questions early. Yes this is a little submissive/passive and yes there will be fewer guys who will do this. But OLD is known for guys looking for sex or guys lying and saying they want a more serious relationship just to get sex. But it's not very often that you'll find a guy go as far as to LIE to you and say he wants a serious relationship and put that out there himself just to get sex when in reality he can find sex without it. Usually guys lie when they are put on the spot or asked what they want OR if women who are already sleeping with them ask if they are interested in a relationship..so they lie out of fear that the sex they are enjoying will go away so they "say" they might want a relationship to keep a girl on the hook but in reality they don't have much intention of committing. These are things I learned by experience! OLD is very tough. It's hard to find a decent guy

[basil67]

Good for you miss2017.   At least they can't complain that they don't know what they are doing wrong.

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sure.  And it's certainly not difficult to find men who want a handful of dates, some sex and then move on.   People wanting short term stuff are certainly out there.

What what I mean is if they ask me out and they don’t ask what I’m looking for and I don’t ask either, there’s no harm no foul.  I don’t need to ask what the other person wants. That seems crazy anyway. That’s their responsibility if they care  and would actually be weird to do that 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I'm appalled to hear that [nearly] everyone thinks this is a good question to ask. When I hear it the first thing I think is, well crap, another phukking scammer. It definitely is an often used scammer opening... to try and get you to do all the talking, to get you to be all serious, sincere and goal oriented right out of the gate. And of course that's the type they're after, so they're qualifying you.

Ladies, do not ask this question, for several reasons... first, you're never going to get an real, honest answer. Secondly, it's probably the most cliché thing you could possibly ask and it makes you seem intellectually challenged. We all wonder these things, but nobody with any savvy asks outright. It's probably covered in the profile anyway, and if not it will be apparent as you begin to get acquainted.

I respond to this question with ridiculous answers that send them packing, scammer or not. I won't post them here. Just don't.

 

I want to know your answers! lol

[boymommy]

6 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I'm appalled to hear that [nearly] everyone thinks this is a good question to ask. When I hear it the first thing I think is, well crap, another phukking scammer. It definitely is an often used scammer opening... to try and get you to do all the talking, to get you to be all serious, sincere and goal oriented right out of the gate. And of course that's the type they're after, so they're qualifying you.

Ladies, do not ask this question, for several reasons... first, you're never going to get an real, honest answer. Secondly, it's probably the most cliché thing you could possibly ask and it makes you seem intellectually challenged. We all wonder these things, but nobody with any savvy asks outright. It's probably covered in the profile anyway, and if not it will be apparent as you begin to get acquainted.

I respond to this question with ridiculous answers that send them packing, scammer or not. I won't post them here. Just don't.

 

I agree, I don't think it's a good question to ask a guy! As I said in my response, if a guy wants a relationship (more specifically a relationship with YOU) he'll make that known and do the leg work involved to make it happen. You won't have to ask anything at all. 

[Miss Spider]

Anyway, I think I’ve lied about this question every time I have been asked it

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[miss2017]

2 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I agree, I don't think it's a good question to ask a guy! As I said in my response, if a guy wants a relationship (more specifically a relationship with YOU) he'll make that known and do the leg work involved to make it happen. You won't have to ask anything at all. 

Well that’s true too. Maybe a guy can feel a bit of pressure if a woman asks what do they want early on? 

And true they will show what they want, and sometimes even early on without asking any question.

[SumGuy]

53 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That’s interesting. I think that is it true that you can usually gather by the questions that they ask and how they talk/behave , so is it safe to assume ? For example, if a person does NOT discuss kids or marriage  etc at the first date.. is it safe to assume they are only looking for casual/easy going and to operate under that assumption

I'd assume next to nothing.  There is whole lot of room between casual and marriage + kids     I believe the amount of information you get is pretty low, it really is more to weed out those who respond with something that is far afield of what you are after.  And to keep the deceivers from later saying they didn't lie to you.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Anyway, I think I’ve lied about this question every time I have been asked it

Why would you do that?

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why would you do that?

. Because I want more options. So I say I am open for anything. It’s not really a “lie“ i

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

No, if you're looking to use and discard, it's a straight up lie.

[Miss Spider]

Well I wouldn’t say I am looking to do that at all. Basil. So that would not apply 

 

Anyway this thread has been helpful to me . Great thread and great thoughts 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

20 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I'm appalled to hear that [nearly] everyone thinks this is a good question to ask. When I hear it the first thing I think is, well crap, another phukking scammer. It definitely is an often used scammer opening... to try and get you to do all the talking, to get you to be all serious, sincere and goal oriented right out of the gate. And of course that's the type they're after, so they're qualifying you.

Ladies, do not ask this question, for several reasons... first, you're never going to get an real, honest answer. Secondly, it's probably the most cliché thing you could possibly ask and it makes you seem intellectually challenged. We all wonder these things, but nobody with any savvy asks outright. It's probably covered in the profile anyway, and if not it will be apparent as you begin to get acquainted.

I respond to this question with ridiculous answers that send them packing, scammer or not. I won't post them here. Just don't.

 

I think you just made the case to ask the question.    

It's not that hard or big of a question, answer it honestly and just move on.  There is no wrong answer, I do like the OP's answer a lot.  A good way o signal your not casual intentions with also not seeming too much too soon.

I also do not see this as a scammer question, or more precisely what kind of scam would they be running?  What kind of info would they possibly get that they could then easily bamboozle you?  So they agree with my words, so what, doesn't mean I will ignore contradictory actions...and neither should they.

I am kind of curious on these scams you've experienced that use this question, maybe I've just been lucky.

[miss2017]

15 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I'd assume next to nothing.  There is whole lot of room between casual and marriage + kids     I believe the amount of information you get is pretty low, it really is more to weed out those who respond with something that is far afield of what you are after.  And to keep the deceivers from later saying they didn't lie to you.

One thing I notice (and others mentioned that here too) is that when a guy is looking for a serious relationship he is the one talking about that and asking the woman what she wants. Because he doesn’t want to waste time either.

[miss2017]

5 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I think you just made the case to ask the question.    

It's not that hard or big of a question, answer it honestly and just move on.  There is no wrong answer, I do like the OP's answer a lot.  A good way o signal your not casual intentions with also not seeming too much too soon.

I also do not see this as a scammer question, or more precisely what kind of scam would they be running?  What kind of info would they possibly get that they could then easily bamboozle you?  So they agree with my words, so what, doesn't mean I will ignore contradictory actions...and neither should they.

I am kind of curious on these scams you've experienced that use this question, maybe I've just been lucky.

I don’t get this about scams either.

Just because a woman is honest and wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean she is naive and will fall for a scam.

[miss2017]

19 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

. Because I want more options. So I say I am open for anything. It’s not really a “lie“ i

I don’t understand how can someone be open to anything.

Are you open to work in any job in the world? Are you open to drive any car in the world? Are you open to live anywhere in the world? Don’t you have preferences based on your personality, life goals and values?

So why would it be any different from knowing what you want from a woman?

If someones tells me that I know is either a lie or they are lost inside, no self awareness at all.

Be careful with the lie, you might lost amazing women who are not up to BS.

Edited November 17, 2020 by miss2017

[Miss Spider]

Miss, I am just open to the idea that my mind could change and I might start feeling some type of way about  someone at any time....And maybe it does entail that I really am not sure about what I want romantically., But overall I think more people would satisfied with that answer . But I agree and prefer not to have that question. Go by actions 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[miss2017]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Miss, I am just open to the idea that my mind could change and I might start feeling some type of way about  someone at any time....And maybe it does entail that I really am not sure about what I want romantically., But overall I think more people would satisfied with that answer 

When a woman asks ‘what are you looking for’ is not what you want from her in specific because you don’t know her, but in general!

What do you want for you, for your life, in terms of relationships. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks about that one way or another. Anyway, no need for lies.

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I notice that some guys are honest and say they are only looking for sex (small %), others say they don't know, whatever, some say they want to meet people and see what happens, others say they want a relationship (not sure if they are being honest or just saying what they think the woman wants to hear).

My response is always: "I am looking to meet the reason to delete this App for good". 

But I am starting to find this question very subjective. What do you think?

Guys who just want sex will lie to you when you ask them this question.
Guys who are earnest and genuine will not lie to you and will be straightforward and put in the work to win you over.
It's a cliche question to ask and anyone who does OLD knows this.

I used to respond to that question, "I am looking to adopt a dog. Is this the right website?" It pissed the wrong guys off who were just looking for FWB or a ONS and less than 1% actually got my sense of humor, which helped me weed though 99% of the losers who do OLD.

How about not asking that question because it's so obvious why people are there: to do online dating to meet someone. What they want to do with that person remains to be seen and you just cannot get that information upfront because you cannot control the other person no matter how you rephrase that question. Sorry.

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

When a woman asks ‘what are you looking for’ is not what you want from her in specific because you don’t know her, but in general!

What do you want for you, for your life, in terms of relationships. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks about that one way or another. Anyway, no need for lies.

Well, I did at one point tell all my dates that I wanted a relationship. Because that is what I thought I wanted, but I’ve thought about it a lot, and have been much happier not in a relationship, 

 

. But if I tell people that I want casual, they will assume that I just want casual sex and that is not true. They will also assume that I’m closed off to the idea of falling for someone, which is not true either. 
And a whole host of other assumptions that I really don’t want to have to explain to them are not true. So it’s just easier for me to leave it up in the air. It also expands  my options

 

I completely see what you were saying though and in the case of a man or a woman looking for a serious relationship, I would probably not place bets on a person who says that. & that’s on them if they do 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MsJayne]

This is what I deduced through my own experience and that of numerous friends, (male and female);

Translated replies to the "What are you looking for?" question....

1.  I'm looking for casual sex  =  I'm looking for casual sex and I'd probably give you the STD I picked up two weeks ago from someone whose name I've forgotten

2.  I'm looking for a relationship = I'm looking for a relationship and I'm prepared to pretend I want one with you until the person I actually want a relationship with turns up,  OR  I'm looking for a relationship with anyone who's willing because I'm desperate

3.  I'm not sure = I'm looking for long-term commitment but I've met that many stalkers and freaks through OLD that I'm too afraid to say that because if I reject them I'll have to go through that awkward thing again where they get angry and stalk my social media 

4.  I'm just looking to date, nothing serious = I'm looking for casual sex(men)/ free dinners(women), until someone in my own league turns up, and I can already tell that you're not in my league but I'll have a crack at you if you're gullible enough

5.  I'm hoping to meet the love of my life and get married  =  I have already bought my tux/wedding dress, and just between you and me I'm a Romance Psycho who might bury you in a shallow bush grave if you destroy my vision of True Love

6.  I'm just seeing where things go =  I know how OLD works and have no expectations but plenty of hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

11 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

This is what I deduced through my own experience and that of numerous friends, (male and female);

Translated replies to the "What are you looking for?" question....

1.  I'm looking for casual sex  =  I'm looking for casual sex and I'd probably give you the STD I picked up two weeks ago from someone whose name I've forgotten

2.  I'm looking for a relationship = I'm looking for a relationship and I'm prepared to pretend I want one with you until the person I actually want a relationship with turns up,  OR  I'm looking for a relationship with anyone who's willing because I'm desperate

3.  I'm not sure = I'm looking for long-term commitment but I've met that many stalkers and freaks through OLD that I'm too afraid to say that because if I reject them I'll have to go through that awkward thing again where they get angry and stalk my social media 

4.  I'm just looking to date, nothing serious = I'm looking for casual sex(men)/ free dinners(women), until someone in my own league turns up, and I can already tell that you're not in my league but I'll have a crack at you if you're gullible enough

5.  I'm hoping to meet the love of my life and get married  =  I have already bought my tux/wedding dress, and just between you and me I'm a Romance Psycho who might bury you in a shallow bush grave if you destroy my vision of True Love

6.  I'm just seeing where things go =  I know how OLD works and have no expectations but plenty of hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's pretty accurate.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Well what I want does not depend on the other person. 

 

That is true of everyone on OLD.

 

IF the other person will put-out... then that's  what everyone wants.  (otherwise they would have swiped left)

 

(they may negotiated further beyond that, depending)

 

Why do people waste time and life perceiving any other frame of mind?

 

 

Nobody every goes to OLD actually searching for some schmuck who lives 3 states away, has only visited their area twice - ever...    and who is interested in chatting online for a number of months/years  until MAYbe either might be interested in visiting the other's city, to arrange a literal picnic in the park, where great joy will be shared in jointly keeping the ants away from the picnic basket, with nothing else on either's mind.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

What what I mean is if they ask me out and they don’t ask what I’m looking for and I don’t ask either, there’s no harm no foul.  I don’t need to ask what the other person wants. That seems crazy anyway. That’s their responsibility if they care  and would actually be weird to do that 

I've been agreeing with you a lot lately ss!  But I'm with you.  I have never once asked this question, nor have I been asked.  And I've had several LTRs and three engagements including my current which I do not plan on breaking! 

If you pay attention to actions and words on the first few dates, you'll get all the info you need.  I could always smell BS so it was never a problem.

I find the question arbitrary and contrived.   I'd be embarrassed to ask, and before even a first meet?  Hell no. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Anyway, I think I’ve lied about this question every time I have been asked it

As I would imagine the majority of people do, so why ask?  I never understood the point.  Actions, actions, actions.