ladybug2021 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 When starting to talk to someone you meet on OLD, should you ask what the guy is looking for? I was told this should be one of the first questions to ask, to check if both are on the same page and makes sense to talk, but I am not sure now. Some guys do ask this themselves, but not all of them. I notice that some guys are honest and say they are only looking for sex (small %), others say they don't know, whatever, some say they want to meet people and see what happens, others say they want a relationship (not sure if they are being honest or just saying what they think the woman wants to hear). My response is always: "I am looking to meet the reason to delete this App for good". But I am starting to find this question very subjective. What do you think?
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 I like your answer. You can ask but I suspect many people lie. They feel they have to say "they are looking for a relationship" because they think that is what others want to hear. Obviously if somebody says they only want casual while you want more, thank them for their candor, wish them well in their search & move on. Don't waste your time trying to get them to change their mind 2 1
Miss Spider Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) Yep, I’m sure many people lie . Probably still a better idea to ask Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Granted I only did OLD years ago & for a very short time but I was brutal about it. I was looking for a solid relationship with the potential to turn into marriage. I could get a hook up or casual in any bar so I didn't see the point in debasing myself that way on line. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 I've found that serious men always ask me this question. I tell them "relationship," and they answer the same. It's a good way to weed out the guys looking to "see where it goes" and other time-wasting BS. 7
SSM3 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 I really hated it when women asked me this question and although I was always looking for long term I would always give them a funny reply back. The reason being was because I met up with several women on OLD who told me that they wanted a LTR. However, once I found out more about them this was not true. Some of them were not ready and still hung up over their ex/husband. Some of them should not have been OLD in the first place! You can figure things out yourself without asking this question. 4 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said: But I am starting to find this question very subjective. What do you think? Agree. It's a silly question. When you meet just observe and ask other things about friends, family, field of work, etc. in a friendly interested type of way, you'll glean more is you ask normal small talk questions than pointed date-interview questions, which make most people uncomfortable, guarded and squirmy Edited November 17, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Miss Spider Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Yes. But what about if you are dating casually for only a couple dates... a lot of people on OLD want a serious relationship. I was told by people they would find it unethical not to say anything 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 4 hours ago, ladybug2021 said: When starting to talk to someone you meet on OLD, should you ask what the guy is looking for? What do you think? Of course not. You should expect that you already know precisely what he's looking for. And you should evolve to make him prove otherwise. (of all of the trains of thought tangent to online dating, this should be the most clear of them)
basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 If I was dating, I'd have no hesitation in asking and I'd have no hesitation in answering honestly. If I said I was looking for one thing and he was looking for another, the ethical thing to do would be to not bother with each other. If we both said we were looking for the same thing, I'd continue dating and let it unfold so that we could see how it was heading. After all, question asked or not....there are no guarantees 2 1
SumGuy Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) I like your answer as well. I think it is fine to ask, and I take people at their word, although I do not assume they are telling me the truth. Time and actions will tell if what they said is the truth. Amended: I think it is very good to ask, as it keeps those who are players etc. from saying later "well you never asked." It forestalls a lot of the BS the guys who think sex only, FWB, non-exclusivity is somehow the default even when your profiles says not interested in casual and looking for a relationship. It's not like these guys will necessarily tell you the truth, but it removes right away some of their lame a** rationalizations and excuses. Edited November 17, 2020 by SumGuy 2 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 1 hour ago, SSM3 said: The reason being was because I met up with several women on OLD who told me that they wanted a LTR. However, once I found out more about them this was not true. Some of them were not ready and still hung up over their ex/husband. Some of them should not have been OLD in the first place! It's fairly obvious that "looking for a relationship" does not mean "looking for a relationship with any old schmo." But the question does weed out the time-wasters who are vague about their intentions. The best men I've talked to also bring up kids before even meeting. I'm not even dating right now, but a cool guy found me online the other day, we messaged for a while, and then I agreed to a phone call. During the phone call, after a while, he asked me if I want kids. I said I'd like to if it's possible, but given my age it's not guaranteed and the risks are higher, so I'll be OK either way. He said he's on the same page - he'd like to try, but will be fine if it doesn't happen. Obviously, this doesn't mean we've committed to getting married and having kids together. But it does establish that we have similar goals and it's worth getting to know each other further. 4 2
basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Yes @Ruby Slippersthe conversation of kids came up very very early when I was dating my husband. I asked him what happened with his last long term gf and he said he ended it for a few reasons, one of them being that she didn't want kids. At the time, I was unsure of if I wanted them, so knew that I should put a bit more thought into it if I was to continue seeing him. 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 1 minute ago, basil67 said: Yes @Ruby Slippersthe conversation of kids came up very very early when I was dating my husband. This has been the case with every single guy I've dated. That's because I screen out anyone other than serious men who want marriage and kids. I've found that men who are clear on what they want make it very clear to a woman they see that potential with. If he's really interested, he doesn't want to risk losing you by being vague. In my book, anything less is not at all compelling, basically a waste of my time. If the guy doesn't even know he's willing to invest in a relationship, I think that's a waste of any woman's time. 1 2
Miss Spider Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) That’s interesting. I think that is it true that you can usually gather by the questions that they ask and how they talk/behave , so is it safe to assume ? For example, if a person does NOT discuss kids or marriage etc at the first date.. is it safe to assume they are only looking for casual/easy going and to operate under that assumption Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: For example, if a person does NOT discuss kids or marriage etc at the first date.. is it safe to assume they are only looking for casual/easy going and to operate under that assumption No, it doesn't need to come up by the first date. But in my case, it's always come up within the first month - a general discussion on whether we want kids and what our vision of the future is. 2 1
kismetkismet Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 You can ask it, but it's too subjective and too easy to lie to get the kind of answer you want. The only way to get a real answer is through their actions. But asking isn't worthless, you can at least weed out that small percentage that is upfront about just wanting hookups. Just take whatever answer you get with a grain of salt. Personally, I didn't like the question when I was doing OLD because what I was looking for depended on the person. Sometimes I just wanted something casual, sometimes I wanted it to head towards a relationship, but the only way for me to figure that out was to go on a few dates with the person. I found that saying I ONLY wanted a relationship up front put too much pressure on it, and then all of a sudden hanging out with them was leading them on if I still wasn't sure after a couple of dates. 1 2
Miss Spider Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Yes I see. I think one thing is really clear though. If you do in NOT ask the question in some form of another, you don’t have much grounds to feel taken advantage if you find out that your goals are not aligned with the person you’re dating. The topic just did not come up 1
miss2017 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 6 minutes ago, kismetkismet said: You can ask it, but it's too subjective and too easy to lie to get the kind of answer you want. The only way to get a real answer is through their actions. But asking isn't worthless, you can at least weed out that small percentage that is upfront about just wanting hookups. Just take whatever answer you get with a grain of salt. Personally, I didn't like the question when I was doing OLD because what I was looking for depended on the person. Sometimes I just wanted something casual, sometimes I wanted it to head towards a relationship, but the only way for me to figure that out was to go on a few dates with the person. I found that saying I ONLY wanted a relationship up front put too much pressure on it, and then all of a sudden hanging out with them was leading them on if I still wasn't sure after a couple of dates. Well what I want does not depend on the other person. I want a relationship only and am not interested in any hook up or anything casual. So to me asking is a way of weeding out the guys who are open to ‘whatever happens’, and stick to the guys who also just want a relationship. 3
kismetkismet Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, miss2017 said: Well what I want does not depend on the other person. I want a relationship only and am not interested in any hook up or anything casual. So to me asking is a way of weeding out the guys who are open to ‘whatever happens’, and stick to the guys who also just want a relationship. That's why I said "personally" for that part of my comment! The first part of my comment still stands - you can ask them, and you probably should ask them, but people say a lot of things. Only way to REALLY know is through their actions. Edited November 17, 2020 by kismetkismet 1
miss2017 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, kismetkismet said: That's why I said "personally" for that part of my comment! The first part of my comment still stands - you can ask them, and you probably should ask them, but people say a lot of things. Only way to REALLY know is through their actions. You can tell a lot by their replies too early on. Last guy I asked he said don’t know, whatever comes, and then said he feels a bit hurt with relationships. It saved me precious time to know this from him early on. 2
basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 22 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yes I see. I think one thing is really clear though. If you do in NOT ask the question in some form of another, you don’t have much grounds to feel taken advantage if you find out that your goals are not aligned with the person you’re dating. The topic just did not come up Sure. And it's certainly not difficult to find men who want a handful of dates, some sex and then move on. People wanting short term stuff are certainly out there. 1 1
basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 1 minute ago, miss2017 said: You can tell a lot by their replies too early on. Last guy I asked he said don’t know, whatever comes, and then said he feels a bit hurt with relationships. It saved me precious time to know this from him early on. Yep. I think that if I was dealing with someone like this, I'd use the breakup line that "I want someone who knows what they want". 1
salparadise Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 I'm appalled to hear that [nearly] everyone thinks this is a good question to ask. When I hear it the first thing I think is, well crap, another phukking scammer. It definitely is an often used scammer opening... to try and get you to do all the talking, to get you to be all serious, sincere and goal oriented right out of the gate. And of course that's the type they're after, so they're qualifying you. Ladies, do not ask this question, for several reasons... first, you're never going to get an real, honest answer. Secondly, it's probably the most cliché thing you could possibly ask and it makes you seem intellectually challenged. We all wonder these things, but nobody with any savvy asks outright. It's probably covered in the profile anyway, and if not it will be apparent as you begin to get acquainted. I respond to this question with ridiculous answers that send them packing, scammer or not. I won't post them here. Just don't. 2 1
miss2017 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yep. I think that if I was dealing with someone like this, I'd use the breakup line that "I want someone who knows what they want". That was exactly what I said to that guy, and then next. 1 1
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