[UPDATE] How to approach this situation after six months zero contact?

[peach302]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you wanted to video chat with him?

 

Ive written the answer to that to poppyfields.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by peach302

[peach302]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You can send him a recent pic which was all he originally asked for.

I understand about feeling miffed that he may think you're a catfish, because you know you're not.

But try seeing it from HIS side.  He might have a history of encountering catfishes so naturally he's cautious. 

Ask him how many fingers you should hold up and take a selfie showing that many fingers. 

Take a zillion if you want and send the most flattering.  It would be helpful if it was face and full body, with clothes on of course lol.

Wear something that flatters your figure - for me that would be tight-fitting low rise jeans with cute low cut tee, not too low! 

 

 

Im really glad you see my point of view and how annoying it is when someone  questions my authenticity to that extent. And its exactly that im not a catfish. To know  that while being viewed with so much scrutiny all the time its hard.

 

[Miss Spider]

Why are the only other pictures of you that he can see made private? You don’t see something really weird about that? Especially considering he asked to see another pic of you long ago and you wouldn’t? 
He has given up on this probably so he does not even care at this point to see the other pictures. I am sure that he is pretty much solidified in his belief that you are not who you say you are so you could show him other pictures and he wouldn’t believe it. Perhaps my negative perspective on this is wrong though

Edited January 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[peach302]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Why are the only other pictures of you that he can see made private? You don’t see something really weird about that? Especially considering he asked to see another pic of you long ago and you wouldn’t? 
He has given up on this probably so he does not even care at this point to see the other pictures. I am sure that he is pretty much solidified in his belief that you are not who you say you are so you could show him other pictures and he wouldn’t believe it. I hope my negativity perspective on this is wrong though

Yes but my point is.  I AM REAL. Im not FAKE. 

basically peoples profile pics can be set to private or public. When private no one can see them unless  i choose to reveal the pictures usually new people will ask can i see your pictures and so i do so. He didnt ask and when i approached him on the app after ages they were already set to private.

So if i suddenly  reveal them now it will look like i did it just for him..

But overall when i show those specific pics to people..as in when i choose to reveal. They like the pics and stay matched. As opposed to unmatching. 

 

[peach302]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Why are the only other pictures of you that he can see made private? You don’t see something really weird about that? Especially considering he asked to see another pic of you long ago and you wouldn’t? 
He has given up on this probably so he does not even care at this point to see the other pictures. I am sure that he is pretty much solidified in his belief that you are not who you say you are so you could show him other pictures and he wouldn’t believe it. I hope my negativity perspective on this is wrong though

Well obviously i hope you're  wrong too.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Ive written the answer to that to poppyfields.

 

I've looked back at all of poppy's comments and your replies.  I didn't see anything about why you don't video chat with this guy but I did see talk about pictures.  Could you show me which post you explained to poppy why you haven't video chatted with this guy?  Thank you.  

Edited January 7, 2021 by stillafool

[Miss Spider]

I understand. I have been on dating sites that have that feature. But when I have seen people use it, they have had multiple pictures up and then they had some other ones made blurry/private. I guess this was done to entice people to ask for more or maybe they were just risqué  ones. I have no idea why people do it, but the point is that they had almost always had more than one pic besides the private ones. 

 

I get that you are 100% legit, but I was just echoing what some others have said, that from an outsiders perspective the things that you are doing are throwing up a bunch of red flags. They do not make sense and they make it look like you are hiding your appearance.  The guy wanted more than one pic and you still haven’t given one and have some set private. The guy wants to video chat you won’t because you won’t:  Yet, you still like this guy and are trying to get his attention back. So the suggestion maybe avoid this kind of sketchy behavior that throws up red flags and makes people skeptical and be transparent..

1 minute ago, peach302 said:

Yes but my point is.  I AM REAL. Im not FAKE. 

basically peoples profile pics can be set to private or public. When private no one can see them unless  i choose to reveal the pictures usually new people will ask can i see your pictures and so i do so. He didnt ask and when i approached him on the app after ages they were already set to private.

So if i suddenly  reveal them now it will look like i did it just for him..

But overall when i show those specific pics to people..as in when i choose to reveal. They like the pics and stay matched. As opposed to unmatching. 

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I've looked back at all of poppy's comments and your replies.  I didn't see anything about why you don't video chat with this guy but I did see talk about pictures.  Could you show me which post you explained to poppy why you haven't video chatted with this guy?  Thank you.  

The one where poppy explains how she understands why video chatting can be awkward? As how do we convey are best selves through a phone screen? That one

[stillafool]

Just now, peach302 said:

The one where poppy explains how she understands why video chatting can be awkward? As how do we convey are best selves through a phone screen? That one

That explains how poppy feels but what about you?  Why haven't you video chatted with him?

[Miss Spider]

14 hours ago, peach302 said:

( btw guys i dont like video calling also  i look much better in real life than on camera .but hes assuming  the worst i guess)

 

Yes!!!! This is part of it. Its just awkward. A little bit too i dont know how i will look on his phone camera

 

,,,,,.

Video calling is just not my thing...id rather meet in person and that be that....also video calling is not the most flattering for whatever reason ( just like some people say photos dont do people justice etc)

 

 

@stillafool

[peach302]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I understand. I have been on dating sites that have that feature. But when I have seen people use it, they have had multiple pictures up and then they had some other ones made blurry/private. I guess this was done to entice people to ask for more or maybe they were just risqué  ones. I have no idea why people do it, but the point is that they had almost always had more than one pic besides the private ones. 

 

I get that you are 100% legit, but I was just echoing what some others have said, that from an outsiders perspective the things that you are doing are throwing up a bunch of red flags. They do not make sense and they make it look like you are hiding your appearance.  The guy wanted more than one pic and you still haven’t given one and have some set private. The guy wants to video chat you won’t because you won’t:  Yet, you still like this guy and are trying to get his attention back. So the suggestion maybe avoid this kind of sketchy behavior that throws up red flags and makes people skeptical and be transparent..

If he asked me for photos now  i would literally send the recent  four or five i took.

But im not going to be desperate and be like oh heresss all my selfies take  a look

Im not like the instagram attention seekers. 

And some people just dont understand that you can be pretty/attractive but also not want to upload  and show off yourself at the same time.

This guy i met ages ago through  the app i saw him in person ..after he saw my photos and he just couldnt understand why i dont upload pics. Every day he would be like put a picture up and i wouldn't. .he said you're very pretty i don't see why you dont put up photos of yourself.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by peach302

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, peach302 said:

I never said there  wasn't hurdles. Also its very on and off so its not like we've been talking this whole time. 

And being negative on your isnt really helping  no offence 

peach, there is nothing wrong or bad about chatting, communicating, connecting on line.   It doesn't have to be in romantic sense even though there might be some interest there.  If there is, play the long game until such time you can meet.  Have fun with it.  Communicate, connect.  In whatever way you want, whatever is comfortable.  Detach from any outcome and simply enjoy.  Be real with each other.  Don't play games.

There are many different opinions about this, mine is on line communique is very real.  I have friends in New York (where I lived until mid/late 20s) and two in Europe with whom I message regularly.    No one can tell me that isn't real.  Just because it's on-line communication versus phone or real life does not make it any less real.  I prefer email to text and I have had some great conversations with my friends this way.   Do you have each other's email addresses?  That might be easier than text.

Just wanted to add that because getting a bit tired of folks claiming on line communique isn't real.  Of course it's real.

Exchange recent pics.  If you each like what you see, take it from there.  The long game until it's safe to meet in person.  

That's what I would do anyway.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[peach302]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That explains how poppy feels but what about you?  Why haven't you video chatted with him?

I feel the same way. That its just awkward and i won't be able to convey myself in the best light and he may take it negatively. I'd rather just meet up in person or take and send photos or speak on the phone

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I've looked back at all of poppy's comments and your replies.  I didn't see anything about why you don't video chat with this guy but I did see talk about pictures.  Could you show me which post you explained to poppy why you haven't video chatted with this guy?  Thank you.  

@stillafoolbelow is peach's response to my post re videochat:

>>Yes!!!! This is part of it. Its just awkward. A little bit too i dont know how i will look on his phone camera . But im never short of attention in reality  and there is a chance he would find me attractive in person if he just met me without all the extra video calling stuff he keeps going on about? If i explain all of that his suspicious mind will go into overdrive already. I know this for a fact. <<

[peach302]

47 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

peach, there is nothing wrong or bad about chatting, communicating, connecting on line.   It doesn't have to be in romantic sense even though there might be some interest there.  If there is, play the long game until such time you can meet.  Have fun with it.  Communicate, connect.  In whatever way you want, whatever is comfortable.  Detach from any outcome and simply enjoy.  Be real with each other.  Don't play games.

There are many different opinions about this, mine is on line communique is very real.  I have friends in New York (where I lived until mid/late 20s) and two in Europe with whom I message regularly.    No one can tell me that isn't real.  Just because it's on-line communication versus phone or real life does not make it any less real.  I prefer email to text and I have had some great conversations with my friends this way.   Do you have each other's email addresses?  That might be easier than text.

Just wanted to add that because getting a bit tired of folks claiming on line communique isn't real.  Of course it's real.

Exchange recent pics.  If you each like what you see, take it from there.  The long game until it's safe to meet in person.  

That's what I would do anyway.

 

Yeah i feel like theres a stigma attached to it and there shouldn't be? I've always wanted to do that with  this person in particular  but for whatever  reason he gives up and says im not  serious if i text him. Im just like what ....a few times now he says  i dont wanna be your  texting buddy or pen pal i swear ive never had anyone be that difficult before. (Also ive seen him be online before texting foreverrr)  but refuses to do that with me. There are some guys i met online...literally  all we did was text i sent maybe two photos...and then we meet!! And continued to meet for half a year and there was zero problems there like i have with this man. 

Oh and in the time he gives up and runs away because he thinks I'm  not serious ..ive already had a few conversations with other people by text and already know their life history!! 

So i dont think  the emailing  thing will work..to be honest. . I dunno he just seems to be so against messaging.  He prefers calls. And im not a calling person. lol

Ps.. i replied to him now after he asked me if im speaking to anyone. I said..there are a couple who want to get to know me but the feeling isnt mutual. And then said what about you? I wonder if he will answer the question lol

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by peach302

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, peach302 said:

I feel the same way. That its just awkward and i won't be able to convey myself in the best light and he may take it negatively. I'd rather just meet up in person or take and send photos or speak on the phone

 How do you know you're not going to be awkward when you are face to face with him in person?  That is a lot more nerve wracking than a simple video chat call.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Yeah i feel like theres a stigma attached to it and there shouldn't be? I've always wanted to do that with  this person in particular  but for whatever  reason he gives up and says im not  serious if i text him. Im just like what ....a few times now he says  i dont wanna be your  texting buddy or pen pal i swear ive never had anyone be that difficult before. There are some guys i met online...literally  all we did was text i sent maybe two photos...and then we meet!! And continued to meet for half a year and there was zero problems there like i have with this man. 

Oh and in the time he gives up and runs away because he thinks I'm  not serious ..ive already had a few conversations with other people by text and already know their life history!! By then.

So i dont think  the emailing  thing will work..to be honest. . I dunno he just seems to be so against messaging. 

Ps.. i replied to him now after he asked me if im speaking to anyone. I said..there are a couple who want to get to know me but the feeling isnt mutual. And then said what about you? I wonder if hl answer the question lol

Well, if you prefer messaging (like I do) and HE prefers talking on phone (like I don't), then you're incompatible and this is not going to work.

It's literally impossible trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

During the lockdown, those two choices are all you got.  If you cannot agree on something as simple as how to communicate, then let it go.

Perhaps when the lockdown is over and you're able to meet in person, if you're still interested, reach out again.   If he's still interested, then stop the dilly dallying and just MEET!

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

I’m going to give you my 2 pesos as a dude based on my experiences and what I would be thinking. (I tried to read through 10 pages but I may miss something)

You need to take the initiative here. This guy put the ball in your court to make it work and the way I see it you have three options; shoot it, dribble it, or walk off with it.

Right now you’re dribbling the ball. You’re staying in one place and no progress is being made. This guy is already at a disadvantage being a male (some may disagree). Societal norms still for the most part dictate that the men do most of the “chasing”, meaning more time and energy invested in the beginning. He’s invested time and energy into trying to navigate his needs and communicate them to you to make this work, and you’re still dribbling. You haven’t shot the ball, making a move and you haven’t walked off the court with it, just cut contact. That’s an incredibly frustrating position to be in. The time is valuable and every day spent waiting for you to decide what to do with the ball, he’s missing out on other opportunities.

The game can’t last forever, the clock is winding down. Either you need to do something with the ball or he’s going to walk off the court when time expires. 

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 How do you know you're not going to be awkward when you are face to face with him in person?  That is a lot more nerve wracking than a simple video chat call.

That is also true...i have to get past that either way though

But i feel like he wants to assess my attractiveness or see if im a real girl i dunno via video calling...but that aspect will be better in real life. Be cause nothing beats seeing someone in person. In my opinion people dont always look their best on video calls whether  attractive or not. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 How do you know you're not going to be awkward when you are face to face with him in person?  That is a lot more nerve wracking than a simple video chat call.

Not for everyone.   I explained the difference in my post (for me).  It's difficult to understand if you're comfortable with video chat, and being in front of the camera.  I used to not like like getting my picture taken (camera shy) although I have worked through that pretty much.  

But I and many others feel video chat is awkward for many different reasons, nothing to do with how attractive we feel we are.

There was a thread about it awhile ago, and many others chimed in agreeing.

To each his own as they say.  The most important thing is that they both agree on how they wish to communicate.  Like I said, if they cannot agree about something as simple as that, then it's NOT going to work until after lockdown lifts and they can meet in person.

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[peach302]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, if you prefer messaging (like I do) and HE prefers talking on phone (like I don't), then you're incompatible and this is not going to work.

It's literally impossible trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

During the lockdown, those two choices are all you got.  If you cannot agree on something as simple as how to communicate, then let it go.

Perhaps when the lockdown is over and you're able to meet in person, if you're still interested, reach out again.   If he's still interested, then stop the dilly dallying and just MEET!

Yeah in other words im going to have to get out of my comfort zone. Since i doubt he will . 

So ill have to call because he wont continue messaging. 

I dunno its weird because some  women are frustrated because they wont get a phonecall from the dude they like...and all he will do is text. And then there's me who has someone who is willing to speak on the phone for however long . Well at least HAD.

Edited January 7, 2021 by peach302

[peach302]

10 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I’m going to give you my 2 pesos as a dude based on my experiences and what I would be thinking. (I tried to read through 10 pages but I may miss something)

You need to take the initiative here. This guy put the ball in your court to make it work and the way I see it you have three options; shoot it, dribble it, or walk off with it.

Right now you’re dribbling the ball. You’re staying in one place and no progress is being made. This guy is already at a disadvantage being a male (some may disagree). Societal norms still for the most part dictate that the men do most of the “chasing”, meaning more time and energy invested in the beginning. He’s invested time and energy into trying to navigate his needs and communicate them to you to make this work, and you’re still dribbling. You haven’t shot the ball, making a move and you haven’t walked off the court with it, just cut contact. That’s an incredibly frustrating position to be in. The time is valuable and every day spent waiting for you to decide what to do with the ball, he’s missing out on other opportunities.

The game can’t last forever, the clock is winding down. Either you need to do something with the ball or he’s going to walk off the court when time expires. 

Interesting analogy.

So what are his needs? Me calling him basically. Or the dreaded  video call? ...

Well he pretty much almost walked away yesterday...

Till i stated I've always had the right intentions to meet him..unlike what he assumed. Which was i was using him as a penpal.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, peach302 said:

That is also true...i have to get past that either way though

But i feel like he wants to assess my attractiveness or see if im a real girl i dunno via video calling...but that aspect will be better in real life. Be cause nothing beats seeing someone in person. In my opinion people dont always look their best on video calls whether  attractive or not. 

You're right he does want to assess your attractiveness not only the physical but how you come across in face to face conversation (which shows emotion and style).  Most guys these days are starting to require the video chat to avoid wasting their time and yours.

[cleverusername]

14 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Interesting analogy.

So what are his needs? Me calling him basically. Or the dreaded  video call? ...

Well he pretty much almost walked away yesterday...

Till i stated I've always had the right intentions to meet him..unlike what he assumed. Which was i was using him as a penpal.

He needs something tangible. Something that can hold him over in the interim. He needs to see some credibility. That could be a phone call, that could be a video call....

Actions speak louder than words, right? That’s what he needs to see. You’re saying all the right things, but your actions aren’t lining up. Especially if this dude was catfished or something before he’s hesitant to go all in here. You know what he looks like, right? You know what you look like everyday? He doesn’t. Your judging him based off his actions and his words, but he’s working only off your words. You have to establish credibility with him.

It doesn’t even need to be a video call, it could be 2 staged photos of the course of a few days showing you do a cool activity or something.

When I was using dating apps I used to ask women I was sketched out about to send me a photo of them holding g a spoon. They thought it was funny but I was able to verify who they are, because who takes a photo holding a spoon?

Maybe tell him to pick a household object, you got find it, and take a hot ass picture of you with it and send it to him? That way he knows you’re not some picture or just  words on the screen. Establish a connection because your both the words he’s talking too and the photo he’s attracted to (hope that made sense)

You can take a selfie of you standing outside your local coffee spot and say ”can’t wait to take you here” or something so he can get excited. 

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by cleverusername

[peach302]

13 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

He needs something tangible. Something that can hold him over in the interim. He needs to see some credibility. That could be a phone call, that could be a video call....

Actions speak louder than words, right? That’s what he needs to see. You’re saying all the right things, but your actions aren’t lining up. Especially if this dude was catfished or something before he’s hesitant to go all in here. You know what he looks like, right? You know what you look like everyday? He doesn’t. Your judging him based off his actions and his words, but he’s working only off his words. You have to establish credibility with him.

It doesn’t even need to be a video call, it could be 2 staged photos of the course of a few days showing you do a cool activity or something.

When I was using dating apps I used to ask women I was sketched out about to send me a photo of them holding g a spoon. They thought it was funny but I was able to verify who they are, because who takes a photo holding a spoon?

Maybe tell him to pick a household object, you got find it, and take a hot ass picture of you with it and send it to him?

You can take a selfie of you standing outside your local coffee spot and say ”can’t wait to take you here” or something so he can get excited. 

 

Thats actually a really clever idea. Btw all our shops coffee shops  are all closed now..we're  not allowed to leave our homes  fr anything other than exercise.

I was thinking id send him a pic of just the plain wall behind me which is in some of my pics to prove its me. But it just seemed like such a ridiculous  idea because  I've never had to go to those lengths to prove my identity lol. 

Hes never told me hes been catfished before and i dare not ask case he starts to wonder about me again ..He said his friend saw pics of a woman on her instagram..met her..and it turned out the woman used.to be a man before? Something like that . That was in the US though lol.

Ive heard stories myself but am much more free and open overall  in terms of meeting people.

Im not trying to be funny but im actually a very legit and genuine person. If he moves on he will find it very difficult on the app to find another actual genuine individual  because ive heard all kinds about the girls on the app. 

 

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by peach302