If you don't have the courage to come clean, at least take steps to be a better man.

[Ucebailey]

8 years ago on local bar lit by christmas lights, I hid my wedding ring. It was at a friends birthday party, and I sat next a coworker of his. She was gorgeous and we had a lot in common, so before she had a chance to notice that I'm a taken man, I took off my gloves, I took off my wedding ring and I took off my last bit of dignity.

We made out that night and I went back home, smiling. When I got home though, I frowned. My wife was already asleep, so only the dog kept me company as I laid by the sofa, too tired to go up the stairs, but too awake to turn off the tv. I kept thinking about the mistake i made the year prior when I asked her to marry me. Because that year, I was the sole provider in that house, since my wife was in her ''last'' year of studying. I say this, because she had one ''last'' year of studying beforehand, she procastinated so much during her 1st masters thesis, she gave up and started over with a new project. And yes, she was procastinating that year again and I was frustrated.

Since we lived in her parents house (they died in an accident a few years beforehand), we had to pay a symbolic rent to her sister (Whom wanted to sell it, but agreed to wait a few years until we got on our feet). It was way cheaper then any other house in that neighborhood and conveniently placed for both near her university, and my office. I had finished my studies a few years ago, so my small wage was going towards our living costs. I couldn't pay a divorce attorney and we had too much shared stuff my that time. So I stuck up with it... 

Next day I asked that girl on a date, and eventually I came clean about everything to her and an affair started. My friend helped me cover up everything, and I'm not going to lie, for a year and an half  I had a girlfriend and a roommate with who I occasionally had sex.

But one day, or better put, a pregnancy scare later, I realized I couldn't keep this up. For about a week I was convinced my wife was pregnant, It ended up being a false positive. A timed combination of a late period and a rare chemical pregnancy. It was then I realized my wife wasn't the person I wanted to have children with, or live with. She was a good friend I held ressentment agaisnt, and who I didn't want to hurt.

Shortly after she got her first job, I asked for a divorce. I never told her why,  I didn't want to hurt her. It amicable as all divorces can be, and today we're still friends. It turns out she also wasn't in love with me anymore and never had the courage to break it off. So today, I'm one of those rare cases where me and my ex-wife are in good terms. Although I'm 100% sure this is because I never got the courage to tell her about the affair. 

And truth is I didn't need to tell her. I didn't held onto her or our unhappy. I got the courage to at least break it off, and so, 8 years after taking off my wedding ring, me and my girlfriend are still together, and have a small 2 year old and plan for a second. So after randomly finding this forum, I'm telling the other poor souls I read here that If you dont have the courage to be honest (which, yes, I know is the morally right option. But in my experience, morally doesn't always have the best consequence.), you don't need to be 100%. Be honest with yourself at least, this is the important part,, and break it off.

 

 

[Milly May June]

What you have done to your ex-wife is actually cruel. She is 'on good terms' with you without knowing you disrespected her for 1,5 years. That is not the behaviour of a good man but rather a man who is selfish to lie so he can save face. I have a friend who this happend to. Her ex even introduce her to his 'new' girlfriend and everything was dandy until she found out 5 years later that the 'new' girlfriend was actually the AP. The hurt and level of betrayel my friend went through was devestating to watch. This guy and this woman actually had dinners together with my friend, sent present and cards for birthday and christmas, went to concerts... She even babysay for them once i think. 

Just tell your ex-wife the truth and let it be up to her to decide if she wants any type of relationship with you. At least that would make you an honest type of man. 

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing getting divorced from someone you didn't love or respect.

[Milly May June]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did the right thing getting divorced from someone you didn't love or respect.

I agree that divorce was the right thing. Affair or not, this does not seem to have been a good marriage. But the pure curelness of him and his girlfriend acting as 'friends' to this woman is just mindblowing in my opinion. Dont know why but this guys actions by withholding information about the affair and the pretend of being her friend are just cruel and selfish. And this has been going on for years. Normally i tend to show compassion for most people but something about this guy just does not sit well with me. Maybe due to the trauma my friend went through or just his lack of insight into how selfish and cruel he is still being to his ex wife by withholding this information and  acting as a 'friend'... I mean who would like to have a 'friend' like that in their life? I know i would not... And him saying that his friend helped him to cover up the affair. Just wow. World is sure filled with great people. 

[Wiseman2]

If there are no kids, why stay friends? Amicable divorce is fine, but there's no need to stay in touch.

In fact, since you married the mistress, your affair may eventually reveal itself.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Milly May June said:

[1] What you have done to your ex-wife is actually cruel.

[2] She is 'on good terms' with you without knowing you disrespected her for 1,5 years. That is not the behaviour of a good man but rather a man who is selfish to lie so he can save face.

[2] may be true (as a matter of opinion) but I respectfully disagree with [1]. Telling her in conjunction with leaving would be cruel IMO.

Edited November 17, 2020 by mark clemson

[Milly May June]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

[2] may be true (as a matter of opinion) but I respectfully disagree with [1]. Telling her in conjunction with leaving would be cruel IMO.

What i mean with nr 1 is that what he is doing to his ex-wife is cruel. A misspelling on my part. 

That he cheated is bad enough. That he had his friend cover for him is bad enough. But to decieve her further by claiming to be her friend and probaby introducing his AP now girlfriend to socialize with her is just cruel. And to come on a forum and literally try to present him self as a 'better man' for ending a marriage after cheating on his wife with the sceeming help of his friend and omitting the cheating to keep her on good terms is just beyond crazy. This guys was a s***ty husband. He is even a s***tier friend. I hope i never encounter 'friends' like this.

[mark clemson]

I'm confused by your logic MMJ, but you're certainly entitled to your view.

[central]

Ignorance can be bliss, especially if the transgressor has left.

[Starswillshine]

I'm unsure how any of these things are evidence of a better man? 

You got out of your marriage. Congrats??? That is what makes you a better man? And look, getting out of a marriage that no longer is fitting for all parties is a good decision, so not a knock.