What do you think?

[ThereSheGoes]

41 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough I suppose but given the post I quoted wherein you wrote you thought his behaviour was "disgusting," "a violation," and "rapey," why didn't you excuse yourself and leave?  

Why start this thread asking our opinions?

I feel like you are a completely different person from who you were at the beginning. 

Maybe its just me, but reading your subsequent posts, I found myself checking back to see if you were the same poster!  Lol

Anyway, no matter.  You're tossing this one back and now you know for the future. Bring enough money for cab or uber, politely excuse yourself and leave.  xo

 

I wanted confirmation on what I was feeling. Because sometimes, I'll tell my friends about some of these dates, and they will minimize the situation, and kinda make me feel like I missed something, and that I was the one being kinda weird. But I felt some type of a way afterwards. I didn't think the date went BAD so to speak, but I was a little bothered by the touching and the strip club comment, and just wanted some confirmation that, yes, what I was feeling was correct. Thats all.

I know it sounds easy in theory to just jump out of the car, but it was 10 o clock at night. In a dark, kinda secluded area. It would have just been easier to tell him to take me home, than to throw a fit, jump out of the car, wait in a vacant parking lot for the 10 to 20 minutes for an uber to arrive, and hope that Richard Ramirez doesn't come out and get me in the mean time. Easier to just remove his hands, tell him to take me home, and not talk to him again.  To be honest, I rather take my chances with the molester in that situation.

I know, it doesn't make sense, because our original thought process is indignation. But it's just easier to tell him to get off you, and take you home.  Unless he's being more aggressive.

And I had money, lol. I had money. I had money to get home, I was GOING to uber home, lol. I'm not so broke and desperate to be on a date, that I would uber to the date, but not have any money to uber back. I'm not that crazy.

[Miss Spider]

28 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

Because sometimes, I'll tell my friends about some of these dates, and they will minimize the situation, and kinda make me feel like I missed something, and that I was the one being kinda weird.

Because this is not unusual behavior for those places. I have friends who have nightmare stories for days about online dating. I have just been lucky have not encountered anyone like this. And I also have not been on that many dates from there relatively speaking... 

 

Honestly you girl you are lucky THIS GUY wasn’t Richard rameriz. You have to have a very fine tuned picker to let someone take you home on a first date... and even then, it can still go wrong. This is a stranger. It is probably as a general rule best to not do that. But I know people do. Please, do not take this the wrong way, but you do not seem to have a calibrated enough picker to have this be anywhere close to a good idea.  This guy was sending creeper vibes much earlier. You are very fortunate that he stopped at just the fondling. ( I hate that sentence ) I’m just very glad that the story ended there. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Okay well I never said anything about "jumping out of the car" or "throwing a fit" not sure where that came from.  Lol

What I asked was why you didn't "excuse yourself and leave" which would certainly have been what I or most women would have done when in a situation we felt was disgusting and rapey.

And I didn't realize it was "10:00 pm at night, in a dark, kinda secluded area."  I literally cringed reading that.  

I'm not judging but please PLEASE don't agree to that ever again with a literal stranger during the first meet.

This could have been A LOT worse, so glad you're okay.  Be careful!  

 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

I can only speak for myself , but I have discussed it on a first date because when I am on a date with someone , usually I am sexually attracted to them. I am a naturally very flirty person, so I will use sexual innuendo and joke about stuff like that if the mood struck.  I don’t think it’s taboo at all, so I have no prob talking about it. And if someone thought it was inappropriate then that would be a good thing to get out of the way on the first date. Never met a guy like OP ‘s guy.  People are reaching for that is why he behaved that way  when it could be any thing else about her picker that is off. Like I said, my friend is very sexually reserves and she goes on dates  guys aggressively trying to get in her pants all the time 

I don't think there is anything wrong with sexual innuendo, some sexual banter either. BUT I have met guys like the OP...it takes you back, and wonder did I just hear that? and sometime not sure how to take it, how to act after...you wonder are they being a creep or just being genuine.

Apples to oranges with guys diving into pants syndrome VS guys who stupidly think sex talk= one night stand.

[Miss Spider]

Yep. I couldn’t agree more, smackie. Definitely have to “read your audience” which was certainly lacking for  op. She ignored a lot of red flags

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Do women really miss red flags like quasi sexual assault and focus on romcom nonsense like 6 mins late or didn't walk to the door?

What kind of denial would compelled someone to think that after all the groping and assorted creepiness, that "he wasn't a gentleman because he didn't wait after dumping me off from the sexual assault"?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/16/2020 at 5:59 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

So I went on a date last night. And I don't know how exactly to feel about it. So....I'm going to just describe the date, without me giving any type of context or opinion. I want to know what you gathered from it, and it will help me decide on if what I'm feeling, is actually what happened and I'm not being ridiculous.

 

Place: Ramen bar

Time: 7 P.M.

He didn't actually show up till 7:08. I got there at 6:50 and grabbed a table.

When he arrived, he gave me a side hug hello.

He wasn't that talkative at first, rubbing his eyes a lot.  But as the night picked up, he became more talkative. Topics that seemed to get the most reaction from him, was politics and sex. He was very enthusiastic on these subjects.

I told him that I have gone to a strip club several times, and he mentioned if I ever get mistaken for one of the dancers when I go. He then asked me how I am dressed when I attend.

On the politics conversation......standard fair.

During the conversation, he tapped me excitedly on the arm.

When the bill came, I told the waitress that I will be paying for myself, he insisted that he paid.

After some coffee, I asked him if he would like to leave (as in, end the date) he said, yes, but then asked if he could take me home. I said sure.

As we're walking out of the Ramen Bar, he puts his arm across my shoulders and pulled me to side. My hands were clutched in front of me.

He helped me into his car, and then draped his hoodie across me for warmth.

We go to this shopping center called Town Lake. It has a bridge and a pond, so we sat and talked, while looking at the bridge and pond.

He told me some stories about his life, his family. During the story about how he lost his virginity, he kissed me.

During the kiss, he touches my breasts. I put his hands back in his lap during the kiss. The hands return. I put the hands back on his side of the car.

We stop kissing.

Talk some more, then he goes back to the kiss. Again, the same back and forth during the kiss. Towards the end of the kiss, he takes my hand and puts it on to his penis, motioning me to squeeze. I pull my hand back.

The kiss ends.

We talk for a bit a more.

I then suggest I go home.

He takes me home, and  then asks if I will be free for the next Saturday. I said I will have to see.

He gives me another side hug.

I get out the car, and as I am walking to my front door, he drives off in to the darkness.

He gives me a "I'm home text'" ending it with a term of endearment and a heart eyes emoji. I thanked him for the night.

This morning, he gives me a morning text, again with the same term of endearment that he used earlier.  I responded Hello.

 

What did you gather from this date? If this was you, would you go out on another date?

 

(without reading on...   at least yet)

 

I gather...  that you're going to tell Loveshack more about how you felt about the date, than you are going to share with him.

 

I also sense  that it was entirely up to you as for how to take/accept/interpret  those last several lines.

 

AND I sense that you were somewhat comfortable-with/accepting of those latter gestures...  (or your post would not have the restrained tone it seems to have, as those same sorts of play-by-play details will arrive here at LS every month or two with markedly more (offended) responses)  (complete with others at LS gathering to say  'DTMFA!!'

 

 

SO... based on your own semi-comfort-in-the-moment, and all that it suggests about  (how it appears from your vantage point, then and now)...    I think "go on another date" is the logical move.

 

Your older sister could tell you about that precise play-by-play scenario on a date she had back in college  and could/would be in a complete meltdown over how offensive and handsy some guys are.  (but that is more a function of that would-be sister not having so much interest in the guy she was with than you seem to have in this guy)

 

LOL - this response will be more fun when I don't look at the rest of the thread - so that's my plan.

 

 

[ThereSheGoes]

On 11/19/2020 at 3:38 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Do women really miss red flags like quasi sexual assault and focus on romcom nonsense like 6 mins late or didn't walk to the door?

What kind of denial would compelled someone to think that after all the groping and assorted creepiness, that "he wasn't a gentleman because he didn't wait after dumping me off from the sexual assault"?

 

As someone else stated, it was sorta just the cherry on top if it all.

But I also notice this with guys who DON'T molest me. As soon as I get out of the car, they're preparing to drive off. Which....is fine if you didn't enjoy the date, but most of the time, they want a second date. Do guys forget to do that, or do young (by young, I mean guys in their 30's) just don't care? It feels like they don't care. You were all about me not ubering home for my safety (the reasoning some guys have given as to why they want to drive me home) but then you don't even make sure I am actually in the house before you drive off. Kinda counter productive there, my dude.

[Miss Spider]

52 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

As someone else stated, it was sorta just the cherry on top if it all.

But I also notice this with guys who DON'T molest me. As soon as I get out of the car, they're preparing to drive off. Which....is fine if you didn't enjoy the date, but most of the time, they want a second date. Do guys forget to do that, or do young (by young, I mean guys in their 30's) just don't care? It feels like they don't care. You were all about me not ubering home for my safety (the reasoning some guys have given as to why they want to drive me home) but then you don't even make sure I am actually in the house before you drive off. Kinda counter productive there, my dude.

I don’t know. I was always taught that and it’s based on my values. I think even if the guy isn’t interested, if he’s dropping a woman off, he should make sure she gets inside safely before driving off. It takes a fraction of minute to do and it’s thoughtful . 
 

But I agree with Wiseman that in the entire picture of this, that is not even a molecule of paint.... it is so insignificant. He assaulted you..grabbing your hands when you pulled away.  It’s like saying” someone came up and slapped me then ran off. They didn’t even say bye!” 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ThereSheGoes]

I have a question. I thought of it in Ladybug's thread, but I didn't want to hijack her thread, so I'm just going to hijack mine. Lol.

Because I keep seeing this being brought up on the boards. There seems to be a general affirmation that the first date is not a date, it's a meet up, and that if you are seeing someone from OLD, you should almost treat the situation as unattached as possible? Some users have stated that the initial date, should not be a date, it should be a meet up, and that it should be simple, quick, and should not linger. Basically, check the person out, then get out of dodge.  Which I find.....mmmm, interesting. I have a different opinion on that. But, enlighten me.

When do you meet up? Whats a good enough length of time, to meet up?

Usually for me, it takes weeks for me to meet up. Maybe even months, depending on the guy/situation/mood I'm in/whats happening in my life. And thats with regular interaction, via phone or video. If I'm not talking to you at least three times a week before the meet up, I'm not meeting up, because I don't feel like he's invested in wanting to build something with me. I feel like if he wants to meet quickly, it's because he's trying to find something to penetrate. Or something to occupy him, until what he really wants become available again. (Meeting up quickly to me, is asking for a meet up within the same week that we matched)

I WANT to feel like he's putting something on the table when we meet, and not like it's an interview or a casting call. Dating is a lot more personal of an interaction.

 

But the majority of you seem to think otherwise. So......enlighten me?

[Wiseman2]

It's up to you to determine when a good time to meet is and when you feel ok doing  that. It also up to  you to decide how much you want to invest in chitchat beforehand. One thing you do know is that a dinner, wine and ride home is on the first meet is not worth being groped for.

A lot of players try to "build rapport" before dating to create a false sense of security and intimacy. Why? Texting is cheap, lazy and can be done from the toilet on a date, in a GF's bathroom, watching sports, whatever. 

This is why a few text exchanges then deciding to meet as a mutually agreeable venue in a timely fashion works for many daters.

[Miss Spider]

Good question. I think if two people would prefer a more formal date, then that is what they should do. If a person needs several weeks before they want to meet up, they find other people that are OK with that. Personally, I like to meet people within the first week or so. I don’t really keep interest unless I meet within that timeframe . But some need to build more rapport online before meeting. I don’t think there is a definite right or wrong answer to it. What I took away from the thread is that different people have different preferences as to what constitutes the ideal first date/meet and what they are comfortable with regarding that. What one person is going to find it too constrictive or trying to hard, others are going to find lazy or thoughtless. I think this can put men, who usually initiate the first date, in a kind of difficult situation. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

Everybody does what they feel is best for them. Myself, I like to exchange a dozen or two messages, then have one good phone call, then accept his date invitation. Any weirdness during that process and I move on. 

I'm not at all into a "meeting" instead of a first date, and neither are the men I click with. I'm VERY selective about whom I'll go out with, so the last few times I've done online dating, that first date ended up lasting for hours and was a great time, with him asking me out again at the end of that date.