basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 14 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: Is one not supposed to linger towards the end of the date? Only if they want the date to continue to another venue or to bed. 2
SumGuy Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: .... Shyt happens, traffic, whatever. All he needs to do is shoot me a text or give a call letting me know! ... Well unless you are in traffic or driving, then you shouldn't be texting. Actually illegal to do where I live. I wouldn't consider showing up for a 7pm date at 7:08 around where I live to be late, well within reasonable bounds given how traffic, road construction, bad drivers (there are many places where one fool trying to make left hand turn in rush hour messes it up for everyone) and parking can be awful no matter how well you plan ahead. Not like I time it to the minute anyway. Now if you show up at 6:50 then it will feel later than it is. It's the can't keep his hands to himself despite repeated reminders that would turn me off. 4 1
basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Yes @SumGuy Where I live, there's capital city traffic and road works. If you add peak hour or a traffic accident/breakdown to the equation, the arrival time can vary even more. 8 minutes is forgivable if you live where we do. That said, where I live, one can legally send a text if they use voice activation on their phone. BUT, you have to have them saved as a contact - and I can't imagine saving anyone to my phone before a first date. 1
FMW Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 The late thing wasn't that bad in my opinion, as has been mentioned, if you live in a city it can be a total crap shoot sometimes on how long it will take to get somewhere at any given time. Touching your breast wasn't cool, and then going back for more after you removed his hand, would be enough for me to lose interest. But taking your hand and putting it on him would have resulted in an immediate exit for me. Sheesh, that's something that happened in college, and it was ridiculous enough then. You're absolutely not being too picky in this case. The truth is maybe 90% of the guys you meet aren't going to be a match. That's normal. I don't know if you're too picky in other situations, but do not lower your standards to even consider behavior like that. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 Part of being a grownup is being on time. If you can't get to a date or appointment by 7:00, set it for 7:15 or 7:30. I plan to arrive to any date or meeting 15 minutes early, which is why I'm always on time or early. If there's an unusual situation, I have the courtesy to text or call. Men who have their act together do the same. It's disrespectful and irresponsible to be late, especially for a FIRST date. I may have high standards, but so do the men I date, so it makes sense for us. 2
FMW Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 I get what you're saying Ruby Slippers. I just think being 8 minutes tardy was the very least of the problems in this situation. I'm always at least 15 minutes early everywhere I go, so believe me, I get the irritation and feeling disrespected by others not even being able to show up at the actual time. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 Yes, it was certainly the least of his offenses. But I'm not surprised that a guy so sloppy as to be late for a first date without a text or call turned out to be so undesirable. That's what I'm saying. If he can't even get that basic easy thing right, he's already shown he's lacking. 2 1
poppyfields Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 5 hours ago, SumGuy said: It's the can't keep his hands to himself despite repeated reminders that would turn me off. Me too, pretty sure I posted that. 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted November 18, 2020 Author Posted November 18, 2020 8 hours ago, dangerous said: OP, I don't understand why you allowed the date to go on and on? You said early on you didn't like his attitude about the strip club discussion, and when you agreed to go home, you stopped off for another extension of the date... and then when he groped you, you carried on chatting... I'd say you need to be clearer about your boundaries and if they are violated then cut short, and get going. The strip club comment just made me pause. It wasn't exactly a huge red flag, it was more of a yellow flag. I just thought it was odd that he would say something like that. It wasn't until we left the restaurant, that I started to think....oh....I think I've found myself in one of these types of situations, once again. I thought he just wanted to talk when he mentioned it, the night was still young. It was only about 9 at that point. And due to Covid.....there aren't that many places to go, so Town Lake Center didn't seem to be that odd of a suggestion. I feel like I am trying to explain why he decided to violate me..........I should be able to sit with a dude in in front of a bridge and talk, and he not try and molest me. 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted November 18, 2020 Author Posted November 18, 2020 7 hours ago, basil67 said: Only if they want the date to continue to another venue or to bed. Well, I thought we were just going to chat.
peach302 Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 On 11/17/2020 at 1:59 AM, ThereSheGoes said: So I went on a date last night. And I don't know how exactly to feel about it. So....I'm going to just describe the date, without me giving any type of context or opinion. I want to know what you gathered from it, and it will help me decide on if what I'm feeling, is actually what happened and I'm not being ridiculous. Place: Ramen bar Time: 7 P.M. He didn't actually show up till 7:08. I got there at 6:50 and grabbed a table. When he arrived, he gave me a side hug hello. He wasn't that talkative at first, rubbing his eyes a lot. But as the night picked up, he became more talkative. Topics that seemed to get the most reaction from him, was politics and sex. He was very enthusiastic on these subjects. I told him that I have gone to a strip club several times, and he mentioned if I ever get mistaken for one of the dancers when I go. He then asked me how I am dressed when I attend. On the politics conversation......standard fair. During the conversation, he tapped me excitedly on the arm. When the bill came, I told the waitress that I will be paying for myself, he insisted that he paid. After some coffee, I asked him if he would like to leave (as in, end the date) he said, yes, but then asked if he could take me home. I said sure. As we're walking out of the Ramen Bar, he puts his arm across my shoulders and pulled me to side. My hands were clutched in front of me. He helped me into his car, and then draped his hoodie across me for warmth. We go to this shopping center called Town Lake. It has a bridge and a pond, so we sat and talked, while looking at the bridge and pond. He told me some stories about his life, his family. During the story about how he lost his virginity, he kissed me. During the kiss, he touches my breasts. I put his hands back in his lap during the kiss. The hands return. I put the hands back on his side of the car. We stop kissing. Talk some more, then he goes back to the kiss. Again, the same back and forth during the kiss. Towards the end of the kiss, he takes my hand and puts it on to his penis, motioning me to squeeze. I pull my hand back. The kiss ends. We talk for a bit a more. I then suggest I go home. He takes me home, and then asks if I will be free for the next Saturday. I said I will have to see. He gives me another side hug. I get out the car, and as I am walking to my front door, he drives off in to the darkness. He gives me a "I'm home text'" ending it with a term of endearment and a heart eyes emoji. I thanked him for the night. This morning, he gives me a morning text, again with the same term of endearment that he used earlier. I responded Hello. What did you gather from this date? If this was you, would you go out on another date? He wants one thing. I've experienced meeting plenty of guys like this and its a no from me. Set your standards higher than a sleaze. Like come on. 1
smackie9 Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 All of us women would like to be able to walk down the street naked without the fear of being assaulted/raped, groped or gawked at, etc....the reality is, that will never ever happen as long as men have hormones. Tho we have a right to be as sexual as we want, talk how ever we want about sex....still doesn't change the fact that men will judge us for it, and assume we are easy and looking for it. If you don't welcome such advances, you must conduct yourself in a manner to prevent it from happening. Tho we can be on our best behavior, a man can still choose to act inappropriately...but why put yourself in that position if you can make the effort to avoid it? Sadly we have to protect ourselves 24/7, everywhere we go, who we interact with...it's our responsibility. It would be nice to be able to say, well it shouldn't happen in the first place, but it does and that's just the way life is. 2
Miss Spider Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) I totally agree that as women we must protect ourselves and be cautious. However, I do not agree that talking about sex with a date is crossing some kind of line that obviously opens you to disrespect and assault . This guy was just a douchebag Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 1
Allupinnit Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 I wouldn't have advised her getting in the car but that still doesn't mean she invited him to assault her after she declined the first advance. Like I said, this happened to me as well, sometimes right at the start of the date and it made things INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. Why not just a nice kiss at the end of the date if we're both feeling it? I am not out to get grubby paws on me over a glass of Pinot. Have some class, be less thirsty. It's so unbecoming. 2 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted November 18, 2020 Author Posted November 18, 2020 On 11/17/2020 at 1:46 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Oh yeah I missed that. Cherry on the sht sundae that was this date. But tbh, it would be very out of character for him to start being gentleman right then Oh good! I'm not the only one who hates it when a guy does that. I almost see it as a sign of disrespect? I mean, yeah, we're only on one date, and yes, I live in the suburbs and I don't live alone. There's someone always at my home. But. Those someones are usually dead asleep by 9. So you're cool with leaving a woman in the still quiet of the middle of the night, fiddling in her purse for her keys on her front porch? I've had multiple dates do that, even boyfriends, and I had to ask them to just stick around for a minute or two, until I get inside the house. Hell. I've had Uber drivers do that. They were usually the older, father/grandfather types, but still. Strangers. Just trying to make sure Ted Bundy doesn't appear from out of the bushes, and shank me.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted November 18, 2020 Author Posted November 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Allupinnit said: I wouldn't have advised her getting in the car but that still doesn't mean she invited him to assault her after she declined the first advance. Like I said, this happened to me as well, sometimes right at the start of the date and it made things INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. Why not just a nice kiss at the end of the date if we're both feeling it? I am not out to get grubby paws on me over a glass of Pinot. Have some class, be less thirsty. It's so unbecoming. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I think most women, on some level, have. It's really disgusting. As someone who has been on dating apps for at least 10 years, I have gone on a lot of first dates, and it's alarming how many men are totally okay with this sort of violation. If she moves away from you, or pushes your hands, or is OBVIOUSLY reacting awkwardly to you, then maybe you should just stop. Its so rapey. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) Yes. It’s just a polite and caring thing to do Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
poppyfields Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 27 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I think most women, on some level, have. It's really disgusting. As someone who has been on dating apps for at least 10 years, I have gone on a lot of first dates, and it's alarming how many men are totally okay with this sort of violation. If she moves away from you, or pushes your hands, or is OBVIOUSLY reacting awkwardly to you, then maybe you should just stop. Its so rapey. I'm confused, aren't you the OP, the same person who wrote this? >>"But last night, I was like.....maybe this is just him showing me he likes me? Maybe I'm just being picky."<< Feel like I'm losing my mind here.... 1
smackie9 Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 I never said to NOT talk about sex...we all can be adults about it and discuss it to some degree, just have to be a good judge yourself when and where it's feeling OK to do so. Me personally wouldn't talk about it with someone I have never met before/ a total stranger until I trust them more, and know more about them...first date I would be cautiously thinking, why do they feel the need to discuss this topic already. 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: If you don't welcome such advances, you must conduct yourself in a manner to prevent it from happening. Tho we can be on our best behavior, a man can still choose to act inappropriately...but why put yourself in that position if you can make the effort to avoid it? A-freaking-men. Especially when you're meeting a total stranger from online, it's better to be cautious. In my book, unless you're just after a hookup, talking about sex at all on the first date is a bad idea.
Allupinnit Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 Eh, I really don't think the ol' "boys will be boys" argument stands anymore. Yes we know "men's nature" but I can honestly say I never did anything to encourage that type of behavior from a man, and it STILL happened. I didn't wear a low cut top and get drunk and talk about my favorite positions, I merely SHOWED UP. 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted November 18, 2020 Author Posted November 18, 2020 42 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'm confused, aren't you the OP, the same person who wrote this? >>"But last night, I was like.....maybe this is just him showing me he likes me? Maybe I'm just being picky."<< Feel like I'm losing my mind here.... Yes. I said that. But more so, I was thinking that the first time he touched me. By the time we got to the d*ck grab, I was like, oh noooo. Nope nope nope nope. I do think that some men get so excited about you, and jump the gun in terms of touching. But those guys are usually inexperienced and awkward, and you can usually tell that before the awkwardness. That being said, those guys still wouldn't make me touch their penis or touch my boobs. I've actually punched a guy in the chest for randomly reaching out and squeezing my boob. Weirdly enough, it was at the exact same location. 1 1
poppyfields Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 8 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: Yes. I said that. But more so, I was thinking that the first time he touched me. By the time we got to the d*ck grab, I was like, oh noooo. Nope nope nope nope. I do think that some men get so excited about you, and jump the gun in terms of touching. But those guys are usually inexperienced and awkward, and you can usually tell that before the awkwardness. That being said, those guys still wouldn't make me touch their penis or touch my boobs. I've actually punched a guy in the chest for randomly reaching out and squeezing my boob. Weirdly enough, it was at the exact same location. Fair enough I suppose but given the post I quoted wherein you wrote you thought his behaviour was "disgusting," "a violation," and "rapey," why didn't you excuse yourself and leave? Why start this thread asking our opinions? I feel like you are a completely different person from who you were at the beginning. Maybe its just me, but reading your subsequent posts, I found myself checking back to see if you were the same poster! Lol Anyway, no matter. You're tossing this one back and now you know for the future. Bring enough money for cab or uber, politely excuse yourself and leave. xo 1
Miss Spider Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Eh, I really don't think the ol' "boys will be boys" argument stands anymore. Yes we know "men's nature" but I can honestly say I never did anything to encourage that type of behavior from a man, and it STILL happened. I didn't wear a low cut top and get drunk and talk about my favorite positions, I merely SHOWED UP. Happens to my friend all the time too. And she is what I would consider prudish. She can’t catch a break with the jerks that she meets though. I think that she is really bad at screening dudes at the initial meet stage. She gives too much benefit of the doubt. Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Miss Spider Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: I never said to NOT talk about sex...we all can be adults about it and discuss it to some degree, just have to be a good judge yourself when and where it's feeling OK to do so. Me personally wouldn't talk about it with someone I have never met before/ a total stranger until I trust them more, and know more about them...first date I would be cautiously thinking, why do they feel the need to discuss this topic already. I can only speak for myself , but I have discussed it on a first date because when I am on a date with someone , usually I am sexually attracted to them. I am a naturally very flirty person, so I will use sexual innuendo and joke about stuff like that if the mood struck. I don’t think it’s taboo at all, so I have no prob talking about it. And if someone thought it was inappropriate then that would be a good thing to get out of the way on the first date. Never met a guy like OP ‘s guy. People are reaching for that is why he behaved that way when it could be any thing else about her picker that is off. Like I said, my friend is very sexually reserves and she goes on dates guys aggressively trying to get in her pants all the time Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Recommended Posts