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November 17, 2020

Screening and first date strategies are your friend. Hard to understand the focus on trivia such as a couple minutes late, etc. then hopping in the car of someone who you claim almost sexually assaulted you? But you gave him a vague answer to "leave the door open"?

It's probably time to reflect on and review your screening, meeting and dating criteria.

November 17, 2020

6 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

But last night, I was like.....maybe this is just him showing me he likes me?

Taking your hand, placing it on his d*** and telling you to squeeze? No, that is not a man showing you he likes you, especially during the first meet!

It's a man showing you he's horny and up for sex.

That would have been it for me. Major MAJOR turn off. Borderline repulsive. My cue to politely excuse myself, call a uber, cab, friend and get the heck outta there.

I'm no prude, but this was a first meet for goodness sake. No, no, no and NO. Hell no.

What was your thought process during all this?

I'm actually a bit worried for you that you viewed this as him showing you he likes you. And that you got in his car.

I'm sorry, wish I could be more positive but if me, I'd be viewing this meet as an epic fail.

Edited November 17, 2020 by poppyfields

November 17, 2020

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

The person who said she would have left at 5 after was too stringent.

Nope. I've been on many dates, and 99% of them were on time, 90% were early. The ones who were late - without calling or texting with a reasonable excuse - always turned out to be lacking in other ways. Experience has made it abundantly clear that men who don't have it together enough to be on time for dates aren't worth my time.

I agree with you, however, that it was a mistake for her to talk about sex on a first date. To a guy like this, that's a flashing red sign that she's probably down for a quick hookup.

November 17, 2020

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Nope. I've been on many dates, and 99% of them were on time, 90% were early. The ones who were late - without calling or texting with a reasonable excuse - always turned out to be lacking in other ways. Experience has made it abundantly clear that men who don't have it together enough to be on time for dates aren't worth my time.

I agree with you, however, that it was a mistake for her to talk about sex on a first date. To a guy like this, that's a flashing red sign that she's probably down for a quick hookup.

I agree completely. No way I would go on a second date with a guy that was late for a first unless he contacted with an apology and legit explanation about what happened. That’s just rude

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 17, 2020

7 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I have this habit of second guessing what I'm feeling, because I'm afraid I might miss out on a great thing.

This is typical for women, worrying we're being too picky. But women are designed by nature to be picky, for good reason.

One thing I've learned very well is that if that powerful woman's intuition tells you something's off, listen and obey, because it never lies. Ignore it and you'll eventually learn your first hunch was correct.

November 17, 2020

41 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I agree completely. No way I would go on a second date with a guy that was late for a first unless he contacted with an apology and legit explanation about what happened. That’s just rude

I was just about to post same thing!

Shyt happens, traffic, whatever. All he needs to do is shoot me a text or give a call letting me know!

I do that with everyone, common courtesy even when it's only 5 minutes.

Even more important when it's a first meet! First impressions are so important.

Edited November 17, 2020 by poppyfields

November 17, 2020

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

The ones who were late - without calling or texting with a reasonable excuse - always turned out to be lacking in other ways.

See that was the part I didn't understand from your original answer. If you are OK waiting if you get a heads up then that's fine. I misunderstood & thought you were leaving after 5 minutes even if the person told you they were running late. I'm often late but I give people a heads up so if there is an avenue for an exception, carry on.

November 17, 2020

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Screening and first date strategies are your friend. Hard to understand the focus on trivia such as a couple minutes late, etc. then hopping in the car of someone who you claim almost sexually assaulted you? But you gave him a vague answer to "leave the door open"?

It's probably time to reflect on and review your screening, meeting and dating criteria.

Just some background on this guy:

I actually matched with him back in August or September on Bumble. We talked for some weeks. Phone conversations and texting. And the conversation would bounce around, sorta like how it did the other night. He asked me if I wanted to meet up, but I didn't want to waste my money on the offshoot that he wasn't into me. So as a pre-screening measure, I asked if we could have a video chat date. He gets to take a good look at me, see I'm not catfishing, and also determine if he actually wants to meet up with me. Gather if some chemistry. I didn't hear anything else from him after I asked that.

Fast forward to last week, I see him on Tinder, and I match with him again. I give him a taunting 'LOL', and he messages me again, saying something like, 'Since we've now matched on two platforms and I already have your number, how about some dinner?' And I said Okay.

I thought since we had talked for about a month, it would be okay.

November 17, 2020

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This is typical for women, worrying we're being too picky. But women are designed by nature to be picky, for good reason.

One thing I've learned very well is that if that powerful woman's intuition tells you something's off, listen and obey, because it never lies. Ignore it and you'll eventually learn your first hunch was correct.

I agree, sticking to how I feel is the best choice. I sometimes wonder if I am being too picky. Because on 99% of these dates, my heart is saying 'No.' Lol. So it's like.....if I'm already canceling the guy, and he just sat down, how am I supposed to find a partner? I can't throw all of them away. There will be no one left.

November 17, 2020

After removing his hand from your breast two times and then putting your hand on his dick, I'd consider that sexual assault.

What a disgusting person. This happened to me, too. One guy was putting his hand on my leg under the table 20 min into the date and I noped the eff out the back door. I don't know what it is about OLD that turns so many men into primitive apes.

November 17, 2020

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

After removing his hand from your breast two times and then putting your hand on his dick, I'd consider that sexual assault.

What a disgusting person. This happened to me, too. One guy was putting his hand on my leg under the table 20 min into the date and I noped the eff out the back door. I don't know what it is about OLD that turns so many men into primitive apes.

Agreed.

I don't know what it is. Because they'll flip on you. They'll be complete knights, and then when you meet up with them, they're making comments about your body, or they are visibly eying your body. They're trying to come up with every excuse to touch you. It's like, damn. Are you that focused on the slight tingle on the head of your penis, that you don't realize you are being a creep?

November 17, 2020

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Nope. I've been on many dates, and 99% of them were on time, 90% were early. The ones who were late - without calling or texting with a reasonable excuse - always turned out to be lacking in other ways. Experience has made it abundantly clear that men who don't have it together enough to be on time for dates aren't worth my time.

I agree with you, however, that it was a mistake for her to talk about sex on a first date. To a guy like this, that's a flashing red sign that she's probably down for a quick hookup.

So, is sex never to be brought up on a date? I'm an open person when it comes to sex, and I also like to gauge sexual compatibility. So if I say strip club, and he gets appalled, or if he says he's a virgin, or that he has had minimal partners, I don't think it's going to work. Not saying a want a whore, but I want a partner who is also sexually open and experienced.

November 17, 2020

14 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

So, is sex never to be brought up on a date? I'm an open person when it comes to sex, and I also like to gauge sexual compatibility. So if I say strip club, and he gets appalled, or if he says he's a virgin, or that he has had minimal partners, I don't think it's going to work. Not saying a want a whore, but I want a partner who is also sexually open and experienced.

No, I disagree with that. If you are sexually open, be sexually open . I have brought up that topic on dates. But the men I happened to be on the date with were respectful and civil, so we were able to have a respectful and civil conversation about it. That’s the key difference

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 17, 2020

I'm very sexual, and passionate, frequent, hot sex is very important to me. But I'm super selective about whom I'll have sex with. He has to prove a whole lot of things before I want to have sex with him, and that takes time. I've never brought it up on a first date, yet every man I end up with is a red hot firecracker in bed and our sex life is smoking.

I think if you're going to bring up sex on the first date, you'd be wise to give him a clear sense of how long you expect to get to know him before having sex. Because a whole lot of men, as soon as you say "sex," are just going to see a giant flashing sign on you that says "DO ME NOW."

November 17, 2020

54 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

So, is sex never to be brought up on a date? I'm an open person when it comes to sex, and I also like to gauge sexual compatibility. So if I say strip club, and he gets appalled, or if he says he's a virgin, or that he has had minimal partners, I don't think it's going to work. Not saying a want a whore, but I want a partner who is also sexually open and experienced.

You are a grown woman. You can talk about anything you want to talk about on a date.

That said when you talk about stuff like strip clubs early on you send a certain message. If that isn't the message you want to send, choose your topics wisely. I get that you are trying to find somebody who is as open about sex as you are but can't that wait until date 2? I mean if you are both hot & heavy for each other the word conversation won't matter; you will be speaking with pure body language. But if you are trying to gage each other I suggest you be more circumspect in your your choice of subjects. Even a man who is sexually adventurous may prefer a lady whose sexual adventures aren't being thrown in his face. The double standard is alive & well so be mindful of it. You don't have to accept it but you can't deny it exists.

November 17, 2020

If a man is stupid enough to assume that if you bring up sex you want to have sex with him, and now, he can be missed. And that level of stupidity would probably reveal itself very, very shortly. Like in the case of this chump.

November 17, 2020

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are a grown woman. You can talk about anything you want to talk about on a date.

That said when you talk about stuff like strip clubs early on you send a certain message. If that isn't the message you want to send, choose your topics wisely. I get that you are trying to find somebody who is as open about sex as you are but can't that wait until date 2? I mean if you are both hot & heavy for each other the word conversation won't matter; you will be speaking with pure body language. But if you are trying to gage each other I suggest you be more circumspect in your your choice of subjects. Even a man who is sexually adventurous may prefer a lady whose sexual adventures aren't being thrown in his face. The double standard is alive & well so be mindful of it. You don't have to accept it but you can't deny it exists.

I don't agree. It's a "blame the victim" mentality; god I wish we could, as a society, move away from that.

Just because a woman discusses strip clubs or sex in general, does not give a man the right to sexually grope her.

Men should be expected to behave appropriately and respectfully until such time a woman gives him the green light (to pursue having sex with her).

Discussing strip clubs or sex is not giving him the green light.

It's akin to saying when a woman is raped or sexually assaulted she asked for it by wearing something revealing or inviting a man to hers. Or even kissing him in some cases.

We need to expect more from men.

Edited November 17, 2020 by poppyfields

November 17, 2020

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't agree. It's a "blame the victim" mentality; god I wish we could, as a society, move away from that.

Just because a woman discusses strip clubs or sex in general, does not give a man the right to sexually grope her.

Men should be expected to behave appropriately and respectfully until such time a woman gives him the green light. Discussing strip clubs or sex is not giving him the green light.

It's akin to saying when a woman is raped or sexually assaulted she asked for it by wearing something revealing or inviting a man to hers. Or even kissing him in some cases.

Yes, I think that kind of mentality is toxic but not only that, it is fundamentally wrong. As evidenced by the many women who have talked about strip clubs or worn something revealing, and didn’t experience that. Shid, I’ve had a tinder date I was trying to make blush by talking about sex him. He told me he doesn’t f on the first date, asked me on a second date the following weekend, and kissed me goodnight. Let’s give men more credit than that.

November 17, 2020

OP, I don't understand why you allowed the date to go on and on?

You said early on you didn't like his attitude about the strip club discussion, and when you agreed to go home, you stopped off for another extension of the date... and then when he groped you, you carried on chatting...

I'd say you need to be clearer about your boundaries and if they are violated then cut short, and get going.

November 17, 2020

She said she was afraid she was being “picky”

November 17, 2020

Just now, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

She said she was afraid she was being “picky”

She also said she thought it meant he liked her, which is actually the part that worries me.

November 17, 2020

Don't meet this dude again unless you're after a quickie, because that's all it will be for you

November 17, 2020

5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Nope. I've been on many dates, and 99% of them were on time, 90% were early. The ones who were late - without calling or texting with a reasonable excuse - always turned out to be lacking in other ways. Experience has made it abundantly clear that men who don't have it together enough to be on time for dates aren't worth my time.

Now that I think about it, that's been my experience too.

November 17, 2020

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Just because a woman discusses strip clubs or sex in general, does not give a man the right to sexually grope her.

Men should be expected to behave appropriately and respectfully until such time a woman gives him the green light (to pursue having sex with her).

Discussing strip clubs or sex is not giving him the green light.

It's akin to saying when a woman is raped or sexually assaulted she asked for it by wearing something revealing or inviting a man to hers. Or even kissing him in some cases.

We need to expect more from men.

Of course a certain topic of conversation is not the same thing as saying yes to sex. All I'm saying is that you can't blame a guy for trying. It was obvious he wanted sex when he parked at a lovers' lane He pushed a boundary when he touched her breast the 1st time. That was hardly unexpected given the circumstances. He should have respected the boundary & not tried anything else. One ask is not terrible as long as the man takes no for an answer. He didn't which makes him a cad.

I'm not blaming the victim but encouraging someone to make better choices -- i.e. don't get in a car with a stranger to save the costs of an Uber.

Expecting more is a lovely ideal. However, when a woman's experience is that most of the dates treat her like a disposable sexual commodity, it's time to alter her behavior which may be easier than fine tuning her picker.

November 17, 2020

Nah, this guy can absolutely can be blamed for “trying”. His behavior was completely unacceptable and inappropriate and on him.

Wanting to have a conversation about sexuality without being groped is not unreasonable. We do it all the time.

This toxic stuff is actually told to men too. That acting sexually aggressive is masculine and what guys are supposed to do.

Like in the case of the tinder date I was talking about, I made a thread on it and you wouldn’t believe how many people told me that it was probably because he was gay or had a small dink.

Maybe if we shifted to the belief that it isn’t just an innately male thing to trample all over women’s boundaries and disrespect them to get sex, less men would act like this

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

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