lovecraft Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 This is a long one folks- leaving no detail uncrossed. I met a man on an app, and we had been dating since July. Not to give a whole recap, but things were going well. Same places in life (we’re both single parents and know “that” life), we both are looking for something serious, similar interests, and have great chemistry. Only problem was that we were intimate early on, and at the time it felt as though it started to overshadow the “building a connection-getting to know each other bit”. We would go on lovely dates, he introduced me to a friend or two (he met two of mine as well), and he would woo me or try to connect with me in other ways. He would text me throughout the day, leave cute messages photos even on the weeks we had our kids. Cooking is a huge interest of his… (he’s a baking/cooking nerd) so he would cook romantic dinners for me, we would go on excursions, and enjoy what summer had to offer. But I eventually started closing myself off in a way (me being stuck in my head contemplating what we were doing…a bit of fear/insecurity popped up) and he picked up on that and drew into himself as well. To be honest, it had to do with an ex that had really left a horrid scar on me. He turned out to be emotionally unstable and completely took advantage of me. So I was a bit too cautious in relating with this new man. Despite his efforts to get me to open up to him. He at one point was frustrated but never said anything to me. I asked him about 1-2 months in during one of our dates if he was interested in seeing each other more (during the weeks he didn’t have his kids) as I liked him and was keen on seeing where this would go. He agreed, but later on that evening sent me a text stating that he had thought a lot about what I had said earlier. That he sees it that I want to invest more in us, but that he isn’t sure if it will be an “us”. That while he’s thinks that I’m beautiful and have a lot of great qualities, he noticed unfortunately that those times we do actually see each other that we don’t really “ talk/communicate”. Meaning, I would close up. I explained how I closed up a bit due to not really knowing what we were doing. I didn’t go into my past relationship. But it was the main culprit. And not knowing what his intentions are. As much as I do enjoy our physical dynamic, having a FWB connection wasn’t my sole intention when we met each other. He stated he went into it he wanting something long term and not just casual. Then there was a bit of back and forth with what I/he wanted. Until I suggested we give it another go and see if something could develop into something more. He understood where I was coming from and agreed to meet again. We finally met up and things seemed like how they were when we first started this whatever-it-is. We spent the majority of the date talking, which was what I suppose we both expressed. There was obvious flirting and tension as we both are keen on one another... but tried to keep it to a minimum. Towards the end of the date, he pulled me close and we started kissing each other passionately. But I pulled back and said that while I do enjoy this, I just wanted to ask him if he had put more thought into what we talked about. Looking back on it now, my insecurities had bubbled up to the surface instead of just being in the moment and allowing the connection to grow between us again. I know that he couldn’t give me a direct answer then.. as that had been the first time we saw each other in a couple of weeks. I know where my insecurity came from as someone I previously dated was very manipulative and as things were going too well with this new man.. I was sort of self sabotaging things. He went on to say that he is strongly drawn to me, but is still unsure about how he feels. Obviously. Him at this juncture, feels like he’s being pulled in different directions (work, kids, corona scaring him as he owns his own business, family,life). That he doesn’t want to hurt me, but if I am afraid of getting hurt, then perhaps we should maybe stop seeing each other. Told him that I wasn’t afraid of being hurt (I suppose it is me reminding myself to be vulnerable if it even is to have a chance), but that things will eventually fade out if the walls are still up. We spent that night together, just holding and kissing each other. And I had indirectly given each other some space...as things were busy on both our ends. We’ve connected again a month or two later and it appears that we are both making a conscious effort to open up to each other. He understands my introverted personality and how I tend to mirror others. So he is also getting out of his shy comfort zone to create a space for both of us to be vulnerable. Intimacy is changing between us as well... He has always been a gentleman (puts a lot of focus on me, kissing, cuddling, wanting me to stay, cooking/baking breakfast for us, and hinting that he now wants me to stay longer). He’s also introduced me to his closest friends. At first I was anxious about what we are doing. But after working a bit more on myself, I’ve learned to be more in the now..and accept things for what they are. We haven’t spoken much about our “relationship” as we just now started seeing each other again. And the fact that we both have a lot on our plates atm. He’s an workaholic trying to find balance in it for his kids, free time, and being in a relationship. And I’m at a positive juncture in my life where I finally feel like I’m gaining my power back, raising my kid, and possibly shifting career choices It feels like there has been quite a bit of growth on my end these past few months in general. In terms of expressing my desires, feeling comfortable in my skin, and exploring myself sexually. I’m not going to lie though, there is a small part of me that wonders if it could shift into a more serious direction. Has anyone been in a casual-but-not-sure -relationship before and had it shift into something more? What were the signs and how did you know?
Wiseman2 Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 Ok he seems interested but a bit gun-shy from his divorce or jumping in too fast. Are either of you still dating others or are you exclusive? Step back and pace yourself. As nice as he may be, he seems to have a moat around himself.
Miss Spider Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 (edited) He doesn’t know how he feels. That is basically saying he is not that into it. Sorry. That’s OK. Plenty of people are not matches for each other in this world. Also, it seems like you were not showing the real you and acting from your insecurities for a large portion of this. I would say that you want a meaningful relationship, you are shooting yourself in the foot to have your walls up. You need to tear those down more if you want *the right person* to be emotionally drawn to you. Edited November 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
FMW Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Scars from old emotional wounds make things difficult, but we have to learn to take a chance and push through the fear. There are no guarantees that we won't get hurt, but staying closed off will guarantee you won't be able to connect and experience real love. I think the biggest sign for knowing that things are "shifting" into something more meaningful, is starting to feel more confident in the relationship because you're both doing your part to progress. You'll feel more at ease and comfortable because you see it in his actions, hear it in his words, see it in his eyes. Consistency over time. Relationships move at different paces and take different paths. Try to relax and enjoy and see where things go. Feeling tense and anxious about where things are going isn't going to help you to open up and let him see who you are, which it seems is one of his concerns. I divorced 4 years ago after a 23 year marriage, and the guy I'm involved with lost his wife of 20 years to cancer a few years ago. We've had a really interesting journey over the past year, we each have scars that are challenging at times. My guy has also expressed his desire for me to be more open to him, and because I care about him and our relationship I'm working hard on that. The reasons for not opening up don't matter - you just have to decide whether he's worth it to you to try and learn to push through what's holding you back. It's scary, but it's worth the reward of really connecting. 1
ShyViolet Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Every time you try to bring up making the relationship more serious, he seems to get scared off and says he "doesn't know what he wants". He is happy keeping this thing casual and he's not interested in something more serious. If he wanted to be with you on a more serious level, he would be. He actually said to you that he doesn't know if he sees their being an "us." That's pretty clear..... don't let him string you along. 1
Author lovecraft Posted November 17, 2020 Author Posted November 17, 2020 19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok he seems interested but a bit gun-shy from his divorce or jumping in too fast. Are either of you still dating others or are you exclusive? Step back and pace yourself. As nice as he may be, he seems to have a moat around himself. He did tell me when we first started dating that when he got back into the dating game after his separation, he had a tendency of jumping in relationships too fast. He chalked it to not really knowing the type of relationship(s) he wanted after being with his SO for over ten years. He had a bad breakup two years ago, and since then has been flexing between getting drowned in his work (he's introverted as well) and prioritising his alone time and his children. He has dated others of course...but now he's tired of being alone... and wants love. Whilst I am keen on him-, very much so... I started dating others to take the focus off of him and to pace myself. Nothing serious, and out of the ordinary or anything remotely that is leading into something serious. But he's seemed to kick up the contact with me noticing that I have started to pace myself. I want to build a stronger sense of intimacy with him only if he wants to as well. 1
Author lovecraft Posted November 17, 2020 Author Posted November 17, 2020 19 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: He doesn’t know how he feels. That is basically saying he is not that into it. Sorry. That’s OK. Plenty of people are not matches for each other in this world. Also, it seems like you were not showing the real you and acting from your insecurities for a large portion of this. I would say that you want a meaningful relationship, you are shooting yourself in the foot to have your walls up. You need to tear those down more if you want *the right person* to be emotionally drawn to you. I took it for what it was when he did tell me that. That we maybe were not becoming closer since I had my walls up and he couldn't figure me out. I realise it was a mistake on my part. But now that he wants to give us a shot again with no walls up to see if there is a genuine connection there, should I still assume that he's not into it?
FMW Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 If he wasn't in to it he wouldn't still be in communication. That doesn't mean he's SUPER in to it, but he's interested enough to give it a shot. Just keep your expectations in line and see where things go. 1
Author lovecraft Posted November 17, 2020 Author Posted November 17, 2020 14 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Every time you try to bring up making the relationship more serious, he seems to get scared off and says he "doesn't know what he wants". He is happy keeping this thing casual and he's not interested in something more serious. If he wanted to be with you on a more serious level, he would be. He actually said to you that he doesn't know if he sees their being an "us." That's pretty clear..... don't let him string you along. That is true. But looking back on both those times where I brought it up (including the last time which was a mere week or two after the initial conversation) it came from a really insecure and needy place. It didn't come from a place that was authentic, and my anxiety was triggered due to my insecurities. While he did say that he doesn't know what he wanted, he did say that he was open to starting over again and putting more focus on building an emotional connection with me. I've taken a bit of focus off from him by dating others. Since then he has been trying to show more effort.
Miss Spider Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, lovecraft said: I took it for what it was when he did tell me that. That we maybe were not becoming closer since I had my walls up and he couldn't figure me out. I realise it was a mistake on my part. But now that he wants to give us a shot again with no walls up to see if there is a genuine connection there, should I still assume that he's not into it? I agree with you. You should take it for face value when someone says that they aren’t sure about how they feel about you. It means that they really aren’t that into it. However, you said you feel like you were censoring yourself a bit too much due to anxiety. It’s a problem a lot of people make. Instead of enjoying the present without an agenda, they are more focused on the future and what the present moment means in regards to that. You really like this guy, so I would give it I handful more dates. Be yourself, be fun, enjoy your time together, take the pressure off. Then after those several dates, revisit the topic. If he still isn’t sure, I would say not to waste anymore time with him. You don’t want to drag someone lukewarm into settling with you or risk being dropped when they find someone they really like. You want someone who thinks you are a sure bet. I hope this helps Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) He's tried to break things off with you a couple times. He's not interested in something long term with you Edited November 17, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1
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