Come Back From Betrayl - He's Moving Out/Not Breaking up

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, whatwhit said:

Please don't judge a year long relationship based on one post through loveshack.

We aren't. We're looking at your posting history here to see what patterns exist that leads us to our conclusions. Past is prologue.

You've laid out a litany of things that would lead any reasonable person to tell you that this was doomed from the start.

Is this the same guy you were writing about in May of this year? 

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My question is can you come back from lies?

IMO no. Lying is the ultimate display of contempt for another person's intelligence. For me, once I catch someone in a lie I'm done dealing with them. They don't mean me any good...  you know, all that "thou shalt not bear false witness" stuff. If I can't be safe from lies in my relationship, then there's no point to being in the relationship.

Edited November 17, 2020 by kendahke

[whatwhit]

Thanks everyone for your feedback!

Really appreciate the responses. The tone of some of these responses seem a little irrelevant, but I know you're going off one loveshack post. The post I made is in past tense. The fight we had was last Thursday. And since then we have move past this. It's not like him and I are at each other throats currently. Him packing bags. Us not talking. Breaking up in the talks. We're still doing it lol. Making plans for the holidays. Making plans for Christmas. Our relationship isn't in a current doom status. We both really want to make it work. So I am just trying to figure out how to do that.

I am just trying to figure  out, how to make things better with him. Him moving out seems like one of those things to make things better. But again, it's not a hostile conversation him and I are having. We are actually going to look at apartments for each of us together. 

You guys are right I need to grow up. Which I have made some major changes. I know one week of changes can't really do anything. But it's a start. 

Anywho - not much else to say. But thanks for all the responses - I'll take them into consideration.

Edited November 17, 2020 by whatwhit

[notbroken]

Quit lying.  Period.  Don't be with someone that you feel you can't 'be yourself'.   On the other hand, the lying is on you.  Just tell the truth.   Regardless of the implications.  "The truth shall set you free".   You won't have to worry about being 'caught'.  You won't have to 'keep things straight'.   Just telling the truth all the time can be incredibly freeing.   Not just about housework - just resolve to always tell the truth and the way forward is very clear - the truth and live with the consequences. 

[Allupinnit]

We're all giving advice from our own personal experiences.  I am sorry that it sounds "savage."

I lived with an abusive man when I was younger and he would also scream at me for little things, including telling me how stupid I was for the way I loaded the dishwasher.  His abuse did not stop at picking on me for these little things.

My H is also absent-minded like the OP and even forgot to pay the electric bill one month and we came home from out of town to the lights shut off.  Our solution was that I take over the finances in our marriage.  Did we fight?  Oh hell yeah.  But in the end I extended grace to him because he isn't perfect and neither am I.  There are things he is better at than I am and through the work we've done together we've become an even stronger team.  

The problem is you are not married so there really is no incentive on figuring out how to work together as he is already on his way out the door.  Relationships are never stagnant; they are either moving forward or regressing and yours is falling apart.  I'm glad you can spend the holidays together but honestly ask yourself why his solution is to not marry you and instead get his own apartment to assuage his guilt.  Will you still be having sex with him unmarried?  Isn't that against his Christian values as well?

 If you find yourself constantly forgetting these important things you may be ADD or untreated for depression; please take good care of yourself.

[Miss Spider]

I was the one who used that term, so I just want to clarify that I did not intend that at anyone specific in this thread. Just that in general this place can be quite harsh to the posters. I have been on the receiving end of that a few times. 
 

Sorry that you experienced that. I do not know if the OP’s bf is abusive. I did not read that in the original post. I saw that she got into arguments with him things, but don’t think that is enough to conclude that he is abusive(insulting/mean about it)z He is definitely particular, picky. Much more so than I am. However, he could just be an extremely clean/organized person. I have been roommates with people like that. They don’t mean to be that way, it’s just that messiness and disorganization drives them crazy. 

and then with 0P, she is admittedly messy. They are not married. They are in the dating phase and he is in every right to not want to put up with that. The dating phase is about figuring out these incompatibilities and deciding if you want to work through them or you don’t. I think he is seeing that he really cannot handle it, but instead of breaking up, he’s choosing to chill out by moving out and taking a step back 

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, whatwhit said:

Him moving out seems like one of those things to make things better. But again, it's not a hostile conversation him and I are having. We are actually going to look at apartments for each of us together. 

Moving out is a giant step away from a relationship, which is probably for the best in this case.

[Allupinnit]

Perhaps.  But this is an INCREDIBLY common problem that newlyweds deal with.  And if we all just threw up our hands and continued on our quest to find Mr/Mrs Perfect nobody would stay married.  There's a reason people say that compromise and forgiveness go a LONG way in a marriage.  We hired a cleaning lady and over time my H has grown leaps and bounds and loves having a clean house.

It also bothers me that he's using Christianity as an excuse to move further away in the relationship.  He'll probably still continue sleeping with her, though.

[Crazelnut]

This isn't a marriage. They foolishly moved in together after a dating life that is best measured in weeks. He's OCD. She's a barely functional adult. This isn't going to work. 

[Allupinnit]

6 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

This isn't a marriage. They foolishly moved in together after a dating life that is best measured in weeks. He's OCD. She's a barely functional adult. This isn't going to work. 

I wouldn't have recommended that, either.  I don't recommend moving in together at all, actually.  But that's another topic.  I think calling the OP a "barely functional" is quite an exaggeration, though.  

[Crazelnut]

I'm saying "barely functional adult" because of things she herself has laid out. She is just now learning that you have to clean a home. She can't manage basic tasks like paying your bills every month. She herself admits that she knew nothing about "adulting" when they got together.   I'm slightly exaggerating for effect, but honestly, I wouldn't want to live with her either.  I'm sure she's a perfectly lovely person, but what most people want is someone fully self-sufficient that you can rely on. Especially Mr. Anal Retentive.

[Allupinnit]

12 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I'm saying "barely functional adult" because of things she herself has laid out. She is just now learning that you have to clean a home. She can't manage basic tasks like paying your bills every month. She herself admits that she knew nothing about "adulting" when they got together.   I'm slightly exaggerating for effect, but honestly, I wouldn't want to live with her either.  I'm sure she's a perfectly lovely person, but what most people want is someone fully self-sufficient that you can rely on. Especially Mr. Anal Retentive.

Well instead now he's moving out whilst they continue to "work on things" and drag things out.  She'll no doubt spend the coming months trying to prove herself good enough for this guy, he'll continue sleeping with her despite his Christian convictions and nobody will come out the winner.  Some of us have more patience than others.  I know some incredibly successful, wealthy people who can't keep track of their crap.  

[Crazelnut]

Yeah, I think "working on things" like this isn't going to do much good. I don't think they're compatible. But ... whatever.

[Miss Spider]

He’s definitely dragging it out. But he probably likes her. She’s probably a really cool chick when she’s picking up after herself and not serving food that’s gone off. Probably delaying the inevitable though

[Allupinnit]

I'm sure it is a real issue with your church.  But why didn't you just get married?  Are you going to continue sleeping with him or just keep up the facade of purity to your Christian friends?  I'm genuinely curious, because it seems very hypocritical.  God made himself incredibly clear on that front.  I feel he's using it as ammo to move away from you.

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I don’t feel like he respects me

- he’s voiced concerns about me that I do. And I’ve corrected them. But he still yet accused me of doing them. Even he at the same time said he notices the changes. Confusing I know.

 

- if there’s a serious conversation I give him my undivided attention. I don’t care how late or how long the conversation is. I’ll stay up all night til he feels better. Whereas with him he almost feels annoyed. Sometimes he’ll ask me what’s wrong and I give him a honest answer. And he still seems annoyed. Goes to sleep annoyed that the conversation goes into the night.

 

- everything is on his terms. I remember when we were planning to visit his family I said anytime was good except EOM cause I’m in sales and I can’t take off. And he seemed annoyed about that.

 

Is this the same guy?  Has to have everything his way, nitpicking you into changing yourself and annoyed when you want to talk about your day?

Sorry but my advice doesn't change.

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

If he a is germaphobe,  he would be pretty foolish for him to marry someone he’s been dating for such a short time who  struggles with cleanliness, at 33 is using their upbringing excuse it, and subsequently lies about all of it. Looks like he doesn’t have love blinders on, so he’s taking off. Not going to like that advice, but it’s pretty clear that would be a terrible move. 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes