Come Back From Betrayl - He's Moving Out/Not Breaking up

[whatwhit]

Hi everyone,

Been a while since I've posted on here. I am dating someone 5 years younger than me. I am 33 he's 28. We've been dating a little over a year, and met through Bumble. We've been pretty much inseparable ever since we met. I would say that we probably moved a lot faster than most people. We moved in with each other after 1 month of dating. It was due mostly to timing. His lease was up and it seems like a good move from a financial perspective. But we learned a lot about each other pretty quick.

I have a brother 10 years older than I am. So for the most part I've always felt like a only child. My parents didn't really make me do chores. Nor really taught me about finances. So when it came to keeping a place clean. I have had always had a hard time. I think I've gotten a billion times better to make my boyfriend happy. And when my dad passed away 10 years ago, I learned quickly how to take care of myself financially. My boyfriend is a germ a phobe. And his responses to things have been an issue in our relationship. He can at times be condescending in his asks and criticism. And can blow small things up like opening a new milk carton when there one already opened to huge proportions. which in return have caused me to try to hide or tell white lies just so that i don't have to deal with the backlash.

Over this past month his caught me in 2 white lies and then a big a lie. The 2 was: the milk mentioned above telling him I didn't open a new one when I did, and telling him i checked the expiration date on the cheese when I didn't while we were cooking. The big one was over our gas: it got turned off due to a lot of personal things happening to me as well as depression setting in ( I could afford the bill it just slipped past me somehow ). I told him there was  a leak - thats why it got turned off. And to make things worse I got mad at him for accusing me of lieing when I was lieing.

Theres never been any cheating. No big betrayls on both sides. I tried to explain to him the reasons I lie. Being that  I am afraid of his reaction. But to him a lie is a lie and he can't see it in any other way around it. He almost broke up with on the day of the gas turning off over it. And is now wanting to move out because he feels like something needs to change. And we are both Christian and he says hes felt kind of guilty about us living together before marriage.

Now, I know this forum likes to slam people. and resort to break up you're not meant for each other. So, before you go there. Please don't judge a year long relationship based on one post through loveshack. Just know we have a lot of love for each other. We are each others best friends. We do literally everything together. Since that awful day we have had a lot of tough conversations. He has acknowledge that hes going to try to be kinder when it comes to his responses. I walked into him crying about us - he was sad that we got to this point and the fact that I was looking at apartments. My question is can you come back from lies? Has anyone moved out before and seen improvements? Or did it lead to a breakup?

Thanks in advance :)

[FMW]

36 minutes ago, whatwhit said:

My question is can you come back from lies?

That's a very personal and individual thing, so you'll probably get a lot of different answers.  In general, yes, it's possible for a relationship to survive lies.

But "in general" isn't what you're dealing with.  So it depends on whether or not your boyfriend is willing to work through things with you.  For me, your lies don't sound that egregious, just annoying- especially about the gas being shut off.  But I'm not the one living with you - he is. 

Lying isn't a good reaction to anything, but if you only lie because of fear of his reaction to the truth, then that's something you need to deal with.  You shouldn't be afraid to be honest about the kind of things you've described.  After a year together you should be comfortable talking about who you are, including quirks and issues. 

Do you lie to other people in similar situations, or just to him?       

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. can you afford the place on your own? When is he moving out? It seems the general incompatibility as far as living styles has come to a head. This is not so much about white lies, but about someone rigid and controlling and someone lax and used to a different way of living. Perhaps him moving out will help both of you.

[Allupinnit]

You're lying because if he thinks you "messed up" again there will be hell to pay.  You're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

[Allupinnit]

Also he probably has you thinking you're the bad guy because of the lies.  It's called gaslighting.  If he's feeling guilty he could marry you and make an "honest" woman out of you.  Easy fix, there.  Unless he just wanted to play house for a while.

[smackie9]

Girl guess what....your BF is abusive....mentally abusive.All he's going to do is punish you to no end...and his last comment about cohabitation before marriage is so hypocritical. I know it's hard to accept this but you need to kick him the the curb. He's a jerk.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, whatwhit said:

... I walked into him crying about us - he was sad that we got to this point and the fact that I was looking at apartments. My question is can you come back from lies? Has anyone moved out before and seen improvements? Or did it lead to a breakup?

Thanks in advance

Yikes!  Those are not the kind of lies that kill a relationship in my world, not even close.  The sad part is that you felt you had to lie about such things.  These are simple mistakes, procrastination, etc.  you shouldn't be faced with such condemnation that you feel you need to lie about them.  The problem is his reactions, he needs to get a grip and grow up to be honest.  Your lies are trying to preserve the peace and avoid condemnation for being human.

The problem she feels he gets to be condescending when you make a mistake.  He needs to work on that.  He doesn't need to forgive you and take you back, he needs to get his act together before you leave him.  He needs to come back from what could well be verbal and emotional abuse through his overreactions.

I've been in relationships where we have come back from lies far worse than this (no betrayals though like cheating, just ego protecting lies). 

I have never seen a relationship survive though where one person thinks it is open season on the other if they open a new milk, or forget to check the expiration date on cheese....or even forget to pay a bill where little to no harm resulted.  The only betrayal here is him betraying your trust that he is a decent and reasonable human being/

Edited November 16, 2020 by SumGuy

[Calmandfocused]

Lying is probably my biggest bug bear. It makes me mistrust people and the person loses credibility in my eyes. I then struggle trusting anything else they do/ say. 
 

However we’re not talking about a lying problem here. You need to look at why you lie. Be honest (pun intended) with yourself and with him. 
 

You lie because you cannot relax in your relationship. In a nutshell, you are anxious in  your relationship and you cannot be yourself. 
 

I’m not sensing that you’re a compulsive liar. Im sensing that you do it because you fear the consequences of what will happen if you tell the truth. Your lying mitigates the chance of your boyfriend freaking out. 
 

Stop taking all the responsibility and blame here. You are not the sole cause of this issue. In order for you to stop lying, he needs to stop being so anal and such a control freak. Can he do that? 
 

That’s what you need to be discussing in order to get this resolved IMO
 

 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[stillafool]

I get completely turned off by lies unless it's to prevent hurting someone's feelings.  The lies you tell are unnecessary and are about small things so I would have a problem believing anything you say.  The big lie about the gas would be enough for me to break up with you on the spot.  But I must ask if y0u feel this way:

2 hours ago, whatwhit said:

Now, I know this forum likes to slam people. and resort to break up you're not meant for each other. So, before you go there. Please don't judge a year long relationship based on one post through loveshack. Just know we have a lot of love for each other. We are each others best friends. We do literally everything together. Since that awful day we have had a lot of tough conversations. He has acknowledge that hes going to try to be kinder when it comes to his responses. I walked into him crying about us - he was sad that we got to this point and the fact that I was looking at apartments.

Why are you on LoveShack?

[ShyViolet]

This little habit you have of lying is a really big problem.  Just because it's not having to do with cheating doesn't mean it's "not a big deal."  If you feel like you can't be honest with your boyfriend about things, then you shouldn't be with him.  The responsible thing to do would be to end the relationship, not start up this little habit of lying.  I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone who has a habit of telling lies about trivial things... I wouldn't feel that I can believe anything they say.  It's not ok.  Also I must say, the fact that you moved in together after only one month shows some really poor judgment here.  You did not get to know him long enough to know whether you were compatible enough to live together.  And of course now it's blowing up because you two are not compatible.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have yet to see a couple who moved out continue a successful relationship, no. 

Separating like this rarely does anything to make a problem better. 

[introverted1]

Lying would be a deal-breaker for me.  And the lie about the gas being turned off is really two separate problems:  extremely poor money management and a propensity for lying rather than admitting your mistakes and determining a path forward so you won't make them again.  On top of it is you gaslighting him: "I got mad at him for accusing me of lieing when I was lieing."  If I were your bf, I would feel that not only is your lying a problem, but that you can't be relied upon to to pay your share of the bills.   It would be different if you suddenly found yourself in a position where you could not pay the bill and you shared this with your bf ahead of the due date for the bill, but that's not what happened here.

Beyond that, I think you and your bf rushed in to living together -- a month's dating is not nearly enough time to assess compatibility.  As you point out, you are on the sloppy end of the spectrum and your bf is more of a neat freak.  Neither is wrong, but you should have had some frank discussions to see if you can get on the same page.  Perhaps you can agree to keep the kitchen and bathroom clean and organized but relax standards in the living- and bedroom.  Or whatever works for the two of you.  The idea being that in a healthy, adult relationship, you discuss these incompatibilities and see if you can work to a middle ground, not just continually frustrate each other. 

On balance, I think some time apart can only benefit you both. 

[Wiseman2]

You lied about opening the milk and he freaked out? He seems quite immature, let him move back home. Reminds me of Shawshank Redemption, where everything is controlled, checked, metered and patrolled. Does he count the toilet paper sheets you've used to test if you are lying? 

You shouldn't have to be dressed down for such an egregious offense such as opening the wrong milk carton.

In your own home? Run

Edited November 16, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Allupinnit]

OP have you had a habit of lying about things in the past?

[smackie9]

O.....C....D. He needs a therapist.

[gamon]

I can't get my head around the opened milk carton thing. There's only the two of you there. There's 2 opened milks in the refrigerator. He knows he didn't open the second one.

There's only one possible explanation other than milk-thirsty aliens materializing in your kitchen and helping themselves.

 

[whatwhit]

I don't have a habit of lying I don't think. I was bullied as a child and i am a people pleaser. pretty chill. hate confrontation. so I remember when I was in middle school I would lie about things about myself to fit in. But I find myself to be a pretty honest person. The reasons I lie is either to avoid conflict or to avoid hurting someones feelings.

[Crazelnut]

I can't believe some of you are calling the BF abusive. Hot headed, yeah, but that isn't abusive. Maybe he's tired of living with a 33 year old with the life skills of a teenager, who keeps lying to his face. His reaction isn't great, but OP isn't being a good partner either. 

Sorry, OP. I don't think this relationship is going to make it. Try to learn from it & move on. Things to take away from it:

1. You need to learn how to take care of your home. Youtube & websites can help.

2. You need to learn how to really manage your finances , bills.

3. Do not move in with someone after only dating a month.

4. Learn how to deal with confrontation in a healthy way.

[d0nnivain]

Most people would not have broken up over it.  

I think you were nuts to move in with somebody you met off Bumble 1 month after you met.  Big deal his lease was up.  He could have negotiated a 6 month lease if you two were in that much of a hurry to cohabitate.  He could have renewed & you could have revisited the issue of cohabitating when your lease was up.  Better yet, he could have renewed his one year lease & you two could have gotten to know each other more before living together. 

Had you done that -- waited -- you would have known more about his germ-a-phobia & issues about expiration dates.  You would have had a better foundation to know his reactions & they would have scared you less.  Then you wouldn't have resorted to lying. 

But you did lie.  To him it doesn't matter whether they were big or small.  It's your default.  We all do boneheaded things.  There was no reason to lie about the inconsequential things you chose to lie about.  Who cares if you opened two milk containers?  Open 6.  If you can afford them, it doesn't matter.  His preference should not have been relationship ending.  Yes, I get annoyed at my husband when he opens a new jar of salsa because he didn't move something in the 'fridge to find the one that was already open but it's not that big of a deal.  You made it so much more important then it was because you lied about it.   If you hadn't looked at the expiration date of the cheese, you fish the wrapper out of the bin & give him the date.  If he freaks because it expired yesterday, you keep making the meal.  You eat the meal & the leftovers.  Meanwhile you make him something else because the germaphobe can't handle 1 day past the sell by date cheese.   Again, instead of dealing with this minor little thing, you lied.

 How is he supposed to trust you about the big stuff if you can't tell the truth about the little stuff?  It's a a matter of character & you have repeatedly shown yours is questionable.  

Before you can even think about reconciliation you need to examine your motives here.  This is more about your inability to deal with confrontation.  Something is really off / broken in you if you can't be truthful in this little stuff. Your desire to avoid conflict is causing more conflict.   Until you address that you can't move forward.   You need to get to a place where you can own up to whatever.   This should have been a non issue.  Sorry, I opened the milk.  I forgot to pay the gas bill.  I fixed.  Sorry.  Maybe you could help me set up automatic payments so it won't happen again.   you had options other than lying. 

Now that he's caught you lying 3 times, you have shaken his trust in you.  You will have to work very hard to earn it back.  

[gamon]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You eat the meal & the leftovers.  Meanwhile you make him something else because the germaphobe can't handle 1 day past the sell by date cheese.

Why should she make him anything? 

 

[MsJayne]

Whatwhit,  you sound a little absent -minded. Is that just the way you are, or does being dominated and criticised have you so anxious and depressed that you're distracted from simple tasks? I could understand him being peeved about the gas, but the milk thing? ....the cheese thing? Is he the Dairy Nazi? Your response to him carrying on over a carton of milk being opened before the other is finished should be anger, he is being obnoxious, abusing you in an attempt to force you to adhere to his OCD impulses. It sounds as though he has moved into your place, and the fact that he criticises you and is condescending towards you in your home points to some serious issues. He has no respect for you, he's taking you for granted, he's being extremely self-centered. If you must stay in this toxic relationship, at least start standing up for yourself. Next time he starts berating you, have a go back. Point out that he is being abusive and also that he seems to be OCD to the point that you feel you have to lie to avoid the abuse, offer to arrange some therapy for him - just make sure he realises that you're aware that it's him who has issues, not you. It would be much better though, if you went out and bought twenty cartons of milk, open them all, place them all over his car with a sign that says,  "My girlfriend kicked me out because I am an OCD A-Hole who bullies women".  I'd do this just for the fun of watching him go apoplectic over wasted milk. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Most people would not have broken up over it.  

I think you were nuts to move in with somebody you met off Bumble 1 month after you met.  Big deal his lease was up.  He could have negotiated a 6 month lease if you two were in that much of a hurry to cohabitate.  He could have renewed & you could have revisited the issue of cohabitating when your lease was up.  Better yet, he could have renewed his one year lease & you two could have gotten to know each other more before living together. 

Had you done that -- waited -- you would have known more about his germ-a-phobia & issues about expiration dates.  You would have had a better foundation to know his reactions & they would have scared you less.  Then you wouldn't have resorted to lying. 

But you did lie.  To him it doesn't matter whether they were big or small.  It's your default.  We all do boneheaded things.  There was no reason to lie about the inconsequential things you chose to lie about.  Who cares if you opened two milk containers?  Open 6.  If you can afford them, it doesn't matter.  His preference should not have been relationship ending.  Yes, I get annoyed at my husband when he opens a new jar of salsa because he didn't move something in the 'fridge to find the one that was already open but it's not that big of a deal.  You made it so much more important then it was because you lied about it.   If you hadn't looked at the expiration date of the cheese, you fish the wrapper out of the bin & give him the date.  If he freaks because it expired yesterday, you keep making the meal.  You eat the meal & the leftovers.  Meanwhile you make him something else because the germaphobe can't handle 1 day past the sell by date cheese.   Again, instead of dealing with this minor little thing, you lied.

 How is he supposed to trust you about the big stuff if you can't tell the truth about the little stuff?  It's a a matter of character & you have repeatedly shown yours is questionable.  

Before you can even think about reconciliation you need to examine your motives here.  This is more about your inability to deal with confrontation.  Something is really off / broken in you if you can't be truthful in this little stuff. Your desire to avoid conflict is causing more conflict.   Until you address that you can't move forward.   You need to get to a place where you can own up to whatever.   This should have been a non issue.  Sorry, I opened the milk.  I forgot to pay the gas bill.  I fixed.  Sorry.  Maybe you could help me set up automatic payments so it won't happen again.   you had options other than lying. 

Now that he's caught you lying 3 times, you have shaken his trust in you.  You will have to work very hard to earn it back.  

This^^.  I'm sorry, I couldn't help but chuckle when reading about the milk carton incident, I mean sometimes you (and your boyfriend) just gotta laugh at this stuff, life's too short.  

I've done that, so has my fiance - he'll laugh and say why are there two open containers in the fridge?   And I'm like "oops, didn't see one was already open"!  Lol. And we move the hell on!  

Something is seriously wrong when you have to walk on eggshells and lie to your boyfriend to avoid setting him off over such a silly thing, and it IS silly!

It's been said that when your partner gets angry at you about something trivial, he's actually not mad about that, but something else, something much deeper.

Anyway, hope y'all can work it out.  

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[kismetkismet]

He sounds like a massive jerk if you're so afraid of his reactions that you have to lie about opening a milk carton... It also could be partly due to being a bad match. Someone that's a bit scatter brained isn't going to do well with someone with aggressive OCD/control issues.

I don't mean to divert the conversation to my own stories, but just to give you an example - I'm the scatterbrain in my relationship too. I have ADHD and I do stuff like forget my wallet, forget the oven is on, or am sometimes completely incapable of finding something that is right in front of my face. It would annoy anyone to be fair, but some more than others. My ex  was very negative and unforgiving and could only ever see the silly little things I messed up without seeing my positive sides. It made me feel miserable and terrible about myself and I eventually broke up with his cranky a**. My husband, on the other hand, barely even notices the minor things and thinks it's funny/cute when he does. He's also able to recognize all of the other things I bring to the relationship - while he's better at managing day to day stuff, I'm much better than him at long term planning, managing our finances, keeping our calendars etc. We all bring different things to the table. 

All of that to say - it's not just you. You shouldn't be with someone that makes you feel so guilty that you have to lie about minor mistakes. Of course it's good to work on our organization skills, but if he's a TYRANT about it, then it's just going to cause stress and conflict - neither of which help us scatterbrains get their s^&t together. HE needs to address this, not just you. 

Edited November 17, 2020 by kismetkismet

[Miss Spider]

yeah. The people here are savage, but it  doesn’t really matter what love shack tells you about ending your year long relationship. It seems like it might end over an open milk carton.
This sounds like a big compatibility issue to me. And sorry I have to say this, but you sound like a big slob. Girl, why are you using moldy cheese and not paying your gas bill. I understand if you’re feeling depressed, but then you need to get help. Get your bills paid. Get it together. It’s what we have to do in our adult life. And it sounds like he is sort of fed up. So moving out is definitely a step back in your relationship. Do you plan on getting married and all of that? Because are you going to live in separate homes when that happens too?  It’s about compatibility

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, whatwhit said:

I have a brother 10 years older than I am. So for the most part I've always felt like a only child. My parents didn't really make me do chores. Nor really taught me about finances. So when it came to keeping a place clean. I have had always had a hard time. I think I've gotten a billion times better to make my boyfriend happy. 

It's time to stop using your upbringing as an excuse for your not keeping the house clean and not tending to chores.  At 33 years old you need to take responsibility for these things.  And the lying, frankly, is a very immature thing to do.  

When one person in a relationship is particular about cleanliness and the other is very lacking in that department, that can destroy the relationship very quickly.  I do not think he is being a jerk.  It sounds like these things are just not acceptable to him, he can't deal with them.  I wouldn't be able to deal with them either.